What is that switch in the brain that throws someone into a depression?
I was happy-go-lucky yesterday afternoon, got a sunshine break with the fire drill in my building (Thank You whoever insisted they could pop the last kernal in the bag, much appreciated), even got some headway on the project I have been avoiding since the beginning of December.
So What The F*ck happened??? I left the building right at 6pm, like a good girl, even though I thought I'd never make it (Thank You blog rollers, your sidebars kept me in my seat for an hour!!) - so it couldn't have been that I felt all guilt ridden for being a bad employee (no, sitting on blogs for the last hour of the day doesn't make me feel like a crappy employee.)
There was a disconnect somewhere. A wire fell loose, a short in the circuts, a missing link in the code.
I drove home, pet the dogs, put my purse on the counter, cracked a beer, THEN took my shoes off, went upstairs to put on PJ pants and take the bra off, made it back downstairs to sit in front of the TV and wait for the Tivo to kick in. I looked at the beer - half gone already.
An hour later I was passed out on the couch.
I woke up at 8pm. Plenty of time to get to the gym. I thought about it. But instead cracked another beer and it was finished before the first commercial of whatever show I was watching.
I still didn't get to bed before midnight.
Four beers and a pile of edemame for dinner left me with what I hoped would cure me - a good heartfelt cry with no mental processes fueling it.
Um, no. Didn't work. I am in a funk today. I don't want to work. I don't want to read blogs. I don't want to prance by the cuties office. I don't want to chit chat with the girls. I don't want to call my friends or family. I just want to go home and sit in the sun and read a book and look at the dogs and sit and sit and sit and stare at nothing and let this funk work its way out of my subconscious and into the real thoughts so I can do something about it.
Or maybe its just that the moon is filling up rather quickly and this is just another fantastic new side effect I will try to cure with Midol. In any case, I feel like an imposter in pale pink and perfect makeup. And of all the things I can think to do, only being alone in my sadness sounds good.
Do I fight it and spend time with people? Knowing they will most likely contribute to my low-ness?? Knowing that on most days their conversations and witty banter would be fun but today perhaps just more ammunition to feel disgusted? Knowing that I have become the person everyone bitches to, complains to, whines at, seeks out for advice, or ignores until they are in the mood for one of these?
Maybe what I need is a trick to throwing yourself into my work. Can I just copy and staple and hole punch my way to a better day? Can I sing a mantra for 10 minutes and focus on finding a new job that doesn't feel like a prison of badly timed check-ins and stinky cubemates?
If I could just rush to the horny part of PMS, I think I might be alright. Maybe I can force myself to get off today and push some endorphines into the blood stream. Perhaps a trip home for lunch and a mindset to get the job done and LIKE IT... maybe then I'll knock loose the lame funk that has its grip on my Tuesday.
Even the thought of masterbating isn't a good one... seriously, WTF is the matter here???