Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Ain't That Some Shit

Are you an eater??
I totally am.
Bored, angry, tired, extatic, celebrating, mourning, working, playing - no matter what, I'm either actually eating or thinking eating can fix it.
It's a learned thinking pattern, I get it, and therfore I think I can train myself to UNlearn it.
If you've ever tried to break a habit, you get it.
Here's the thing though - sometimes, when I am angry, tired, frustrated, apathetic, distractable, etc., eating actually DOES help.
Have you ever met a menstruating woman who hasn't eaten in 6 hours?? She is a bit off kilter with a hair trigger temper, but give her half a sandwich and maybe a chocolate square and she gains the ability to at least attempt to notice she is a whack job.

Imagine my surprise, after noticing everything I've put in my mouth since the new year (add your dirty joke here), to find I really had no interest in food yesterday. Sunday I was busy at the dog park and made a latte instead of a cup of coffee so I figured I was just full of milk calories to keep my normal afternoon hunger from hitting, Monday I ate good food whenever I got hungry all day, but yesterday I really had NO interest in food whatsoever. Like, it took me 90 minutes to have the breakfast I usually chow by the second stoplight of my drive in the morning, and lunch was opening 2 half sandwiches from the training room, stacking the meat side of one on the grilled veggie side of the other, and that tall half sandwich took me the ENTIRE afternoon to eat. Naturally I got hungry while on a machine at the gym, but when I didn't get a reply from Trainer Boy as to if continuing the workout would be better or worse, I just kept on going. And going, and going, and when I got tired but there were only 10 minutes left of the show I was watching, I just kept on going. 2 hours on a cardio machine (not sweating my tits off the whole time, but if you're just watching TV, walking is better than sitting, right? and when you get that incline up to 8.0, it will get that heart rate going just fine!), a protein shake I took half an hour to slup down, and STILL this morning I'm not giving a RIP about food!!!

So, here's what I'm thinking. I watched part of this show on National Geographic with this guy saying he can make you thin. The idea was to watch something that would put me to sleep, the PBS-like set looked like it might work. Turns out this guy was saying just what I told Trainer Boy a few weeks ago - eat when your hungry, eat what you want, but eat consciously, and stop when you're full. I HATE waiting for the alarm to go off to eat, I HATE feeling like I HAVE to finish the portion, I KNOW I'm not doing something right when I get hungry 45 minutes after lunch, but REFUSED to give in, thinking I needed to train my body to work with the schedule. After a month of binging and sneaking food and forgetting that I'm eating a chocolate bar, I decided to thank him for his advice and information, but it would only guide me in choosing more appropriate foods WHEN I get hungry, however many times a day that is, whatever time of day that is.

If these past few days are any indication, I might have to let go of my old standard "I've always been this size, went up a few sizes for a while there, but my body apparently likes the number 12 and is doing it's darndest to ensure all tags that hit it say 12 on them." If this isn't just the backlash of the PMS from HELL of 2.5 weeks of no control, happy hour filled, alcoholic lethargy, perhaps maybe I can really just respect myself enough to leave leftovers, enjoy bread when I feel the urge, and be in the gym because I WANT to be, instead of with an unreachable goal in mind.

Just wait, I've got some other desires bubbling up in me, I might try to satisfy them with a sundae or an appetizer sampler, but today is day two of pointedly noticing that I just couldn't care less if it's lunch time. For a life time eater like me, I'm looking at the half a wrap I'm done with saying "ain't that some shit!!!"

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Happy Green Eggs and Ham Day

I'm hoping your day was as pleasant as mine. I have been doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, basically all day, and it's been great.
Sure, I went a little overboard at the gym yesterday and the knee I twisted 3 weeks ago and the tendon on the same leg I overstretched 2.5 weeks ago was acting up all day, but just because you can barely walk upstairs doesn't mean you have to have a crap day.
I didn't get any eggs, because my last 3 were added to the crate the roomies put into the egg holder and then used for the scramble they made 3 days ago (I know because the pan is there, next to the baking sheet they burned home made fries on Monday, which doesn't bug me as much as the peelings in the sink that have been there since Monday too - doesn't stink, I wash too many dishes over the pile of plates and cups on top of them), but I've learned how to make a family meal's worth of food while only clearing enough counter space for one plate, and had a delightful set of leftovers for every meal of the day, and I didn't repeat a meal ;)
I've been single handedly taking care of the dog since Friday, partially by my asking so he would quit texting me to take care of the fuzzbucket every 4 hours, but I still refuse to mop the hardwood floors of the paw prints.
I woke up at the same time as a work day, but only long enough to walk once around the house, take the dog for a piss, then decide I'm too tired for this BS and crawl back into bed, no matter how sunny it is out.
I thought I'd make it down to the shore today, maybe stroll along the boardwalk, but the day just didn't get there.

After all this, I stand firmly with my first statement. I had a loverly day. Yes, loverly, like in My Fair Lady, if you haven't seen it, Go. Now. It's. Fantastic. Yes. You. If you don't believe me, go ask your wife.
I was in bed and asleep when I felt like it last night, not when I was done driving around the neighborhood to avoid hearing the roomies fuck.
I woke up when I felt like it (after the morning dog run that is), not when the kid started playing basketball in the house or when someone burnt the toast or when they hollered that they would be leaving in 10 minutes and it's time to get some shoes on.
I ate when I wanted, not when they were done with their canoodle fest in front of the stove.
I made coffee when I wanted, not when they were done spraying the room with the espresso maker's foamer function and it was the flavor I wanted and it was the amount I wanted - not whatever I could get before they tossed it to make theirs.
I decided it was time to get outside, so I took the dog to the dog park. My Cesar Milan training kicked in, I made sure he knew I was his master, I made the rules, and then let him run free for almost two full hours before he walked right into the waiting entry/exit cage and waited patiently for me to grab his leash and take him home. Yes, I am that much of a dog person that someone else's dog that I didn't talk to the first 3 times he lived in my house is now my bitch. He follows me and listens to me and sleeps in my room. Bow if you must, applause suits me as well.
We came home, we had lunch, I texted back the roomie (3:30pm now, first contact) that the neighbor did not need to be sent over, that the dog and I were doing just fine thanks.
I watched TV at the volume I prefer, not whatever it has to be to be audible over the roar of whatever is going on downstairs, not to overpower the romp 2 rooms over, and it didn't have to be switched to a movie or CD so I could blast the surround sound system and listen to what I want to listen to.
Even when they came home, I took the dog out, I fed him, I made a cup of tea all while she was making him chicken soup because he got sick. We chatted, about the dog mostly, then I went upstairs and continued my laundry, the dog following right behind me the whole time.

Today felt triumphant. Like I have a life that I have some control over. That I don't have to be strictly reactionary. I have even reconsidered responding to the New Roomie website emails from possible new places to live. The commute would be shorter, the room would be bigger, the roomie would surely come with a new set of complaints. With a few good days under my belt, I'm looking out the window to the red buds of spring on every other tree and planning to see them bloom.
Don't get too excited, surely with the boss coming back tomorrow, month end around the corner, Spring Break for the roomie here and surely mornings where the gf's house works better for him and therefore I'm responsible for the morning dog duty as well as getting to work somewhat on time... well, let's just remember that I'm a damn nightmare of a self loathing apathetic snatch when Flo is due. All that candid description of my day could just have easily been one of the rants you've so come to expect, right? Turns out that all I need for a good day or 4 is some sunshine, some exercise, a cup of coffee in the morning and dinner when I'm hungry for it, and a good night's sleep. Honestly, from you, my trusted audience, do my requirements to wear a smile seem so high maintenance to you that I have to document the good days when I get them?

Friday, March 21, 2008

Good Friday?

On the calendar, sure, it's marked Good Friday.
It was set to be, and, I'll admit, I've got a bounce in my step and a bit of pink in my cheeks from all the smiling, and only lost by mental capacities once today, so all in all, a pretty Good Friday. Let's not forget both bosses were out of the office, there was no training to tempt me with junk food at the wrong times of the day, the sun was out, and I wore comfys to the office.

So, I'm going about my day, enjoying deleting emails and trying to remember that easy time consuming thing I was going to do for ME instead of the rest of THEM, and I hear that Alpha Dog's bf is coming over to pick her up, but he'll be early so he'll hang for a bit. I also get to meet her niece who she talks about ALL the time, and to all the time, so I'm excited to get faces to go with these people.
I hear them come in, I wave and smile at the 9 year old (as I part time live with the male version, I know not to expect a conversation, keeping eye contact was most impressive), then wave at her escort. And he is polite and meeting 2 of us for the first time and knows we talk about him all the time so he is on his very best behavior.
And I notice it.
Then it's really hard not to notice.
Then he's in a conversation with just me, so he comes over and chats with me on my side of the room.
Then he's telling me about this band playing next Friday that is so much fun and I should definitely come and meet his friend, and go ahead and get on Google and check them out, wait, let me see the mouse for a second, and the conversation keeps going but now the 9 year old can't here so the smiles get bigger and the phrases get grown up and I'm really enjoying having a conversation with someone who can actually keep up and I realize it.
He is the 8 years older and with brown eyes instead of blue Jersey version of Ojai.
And I can't look away.
I'm having a serious case of not just de ja vu but Flashback Friday and the buzz from having a genuine smile and all these memories and all these mixed emotions of half healed scars being scratched and it feels good but you know better than to pick at it.
A whole lot of stuff going on with this little broken heart of mine, so much so that the guy left the office about 2 hours ago now and the afternoon mix on the radio in the car and driving with the windows part way down and tossing the ball with the dog and making a salad for dinner hasn't forced the thought of Ojai from my mind. Naturally, I logged in and started talking about it.
Don't worry, I mostly came home to find the gym clothes and go walk it off. Nothing like physical exhaustion to keep this from being a sleepless night!
It's a sickness. I've known this guy ruined me, I'm still forced to realize that he crosses my mind WAY WAY WAY too much for someone I haven't even glimpsed driving down the freeway for over 6 months, and then I meet his DUPLICATE COPY 2800 miles away??? Is it really possible that when they say a girl has one guy she will always take a phone call from, that she must think about him often enough to be prepared for his call if it ever does come?

On the other hand, I sparked with this character just like I did with Ojai. Quick conversation, easy transitions, big smiles the whole time, and, he picked up his phone right there in the office to invite his friend to this band next week. I even got the wink and nod that I was alright when he left.
I'm excited to go, I'm glad to maybe take part in some of the fun stuff Alpha Dog keeps reporting, and the worst that could happen is I get a night out at a bar with a band and a couple of people who keep asking me which guy I want to sit next to.
I told her I was having a flashback because I knew a guy who was JUST like him, she said "that's because we both have good taste!" Hopefully I'll just get to know a little more about this guy and he will stop being Ojai. It worked with Russell Crowe movies - couldn't watch them for a long time, the resemblance was too great, but eventually I got lost in the character instead of the memories and I can now enjoy the flicks, for the most part, depending on if I've been drinking and if I've had a good day or not.
Whatever, it's Good Friday and I was having a splendid Friday and I earned this guys approval in 10 minutes to be set up with his friend and I'm going to be just fine with that, regardless of WHY I was so friendly.
I've been watching a lot of Sex and the City lately, it's on about my bedtime, I keep on with the "here is a never going to be answered question to nag at you for the rest of your life, how do you like it?" question to everything - might have to find some other channel to set the sleep timer to tonight ;)

Monday, March 17, 2008

17 days??

So. Fing. Much has happened, and I haven't posted in 17 days????
alright, nothing really life changing.
except, if you're so inclined, check out the time stamp on this Monday night post. If you've been paying attention, you'll know that being downstairs at the "I have a bed in the room and a new computer downstairs, this place sounds like it will fit all your needs" house at this hour is pretty much unheard of. If I do have the house to myself, it's far too cold to sit and post (this assumes you know I didn't make it to the gym tonight, and I'm not working off the residual heat which some of you have earned late night emails in the wake of).
My dad sent me a computer. And an MP4 player. For free. I've been hearing all kinds of questions about my life and hearing all kinds of heart thoughts from his end, but, I saved about a thousand bucks, and as that is my Emergency Fund, well, I'd lived without the computer in my room this long...
So, if all goes to plan, I'll be venting my BS here a lot more often very very soon.
17 days of neglect is no way to treat a blog.
Oh, and you guys too, I need to chat with you more, I'm becoming overly clingy to the booty call and unnecessarily chatty with the trainer. Certainly email friends are a healthier way to go, no? ;)