Monday, December 31, 2007

My New Home

I spent a good part of the weekend hacking up snot rockets (or trying to in order to keep them from settling in my lungs), locked in my house in slipper socks and sweat pants and one of surprisingly many gifted XL tshirts with an advertisement for a vacation spot logo'd on the front, and basically nesting. I organized 4 kitchen cupboards, cleaned out and reorganized (minus the easter candy, valentines chocolates still sealed in their heart shaped tomb, and any container no longer able to hold it's belongings, thereby taking out 2 huge bags of trash this morning) 2 very sizeable shared area closets (square foot wise, bigger than my cubicle), and thanks to my super don'tgiveafuck'dness when knocking over a 409 bottle on the kitchen counter am now quite obsessed with getting the entirety of the kitchen counter to go back to it's original color which is now only apparent where the magic potion has desolved tracks in the muck.
So, I've spent the weekend sick and nesting.
I intended to have the place feel more like I live there, but instead of finding places to hide my stuff, I've found places I could hide my stuff if only I could put all the kid's toys in the kids room or know why there is an entire closet dedicated to the storage of the box for everything in his Ikea house.
I found myself checking my vitals and having my meals in front of the computer, scouring for new places to live. It turned out to be humbling to see what other offerings were out there, then turn to my place and attack it with the nurturing it so desperately needed. Nonetheless, the recycled Top 40 tv/radio station and a closet of someone else's stuff will let your mind wander, and I recall a particular screenshot of a map with a circular Main Street that could have you vear off to the left onto another Main Street, cross over a 3rd Main Street, or, if you so desire, stay on it to cross 2 main Routes (another term for highway out here, but since they are basically divided streets they don't get the Highness title) that merge together in the circle and, if you continue straight (which now has you facing west when a mile ago you were facing east) will have you turned due north and on the Route you just crossed over. I think I've been through that area; if I remember right they are nice enough to give you a stop light to mark the end of Main Street and let you know you are now on a Route that extends a good portion of the state.
I've heard a lot of complaints about California drivers, and LA to boot, but I've never had a hard time reading a map of California - I find myself sure that this highway, when it tells me I"m going North, is not sending me a bit east to get turned completely around to go directly west only to check the map and find that my North highway does indeed have an S curve in it.
Ah, the lovely honeymoon period. The time of learning the quirks of your newbie and hoping you love them instead of strangle yourself over them... I can just see "I'm right off Main Street, no, not that side, the other side, over the other Main Street, no, not on the extension, by the highway, I mean by Route 35, no, after the split from Route 9, but before the railroad tracks..." Not quite lust at first sight, but Jersey's growing on me, that I won't deny ;)

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Duplicitous Dupe

It's my favorite week of the year, this time between Christmas and New Year's.
No one wants to be working, we are all fat and happy off our sugar buzz and family contact, and with the progression from fall to winter is nearly complete, the air just chilly enough to keep us indoors with hibernating/hermit lifestyle.

Now, it's been a few years since I've had any fun doing the Christmas thing. I used to bake for the neighborhood and pick cards and make presents from the isles of Michael's crafts and spend pretty much the entire time from my birthday til Christmas morning thinking about and working on this or that aspect of making the day great for everyone. I don't want to say that Mom dying was the straw that broke that camel's back, but I was living at home until then and still had some of that kid excitement for gifts and surprises that has fizzled to nearly nothing, especially when coming from family.

Additionally, I am almost staunchly against setting New Year's resolutions. I remember thinking at 10 years old that I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up because I didn't know what I'd like in 10 years and found it ridiculous to pick something to strive for at 10 years old. It's a set up for disappointment in my eyes - if you get it, you are confined by the goals of a 10 year old, if you don't you feel like you can't accomplish what you set out to do. I much prefer to look around and know I'm going in a positive direction with my life, and leave the deadlines for accomplishments to the calendar of fate. When it comes right down to it, I get what I set out to do, but there is no way I could have expected last January 1st that "I want to be making more money" would have me pulling 10K/yr more for doing an easier job than the one I started on January 1st - let alone that I'd be living across the country to get it!
Compoundly, when I was out to party all the time, I resented that my bars were trying to charge me $50 to get in and play with all the assholes who only come out 3 times a year to fuck with my routine. Though I tried to make it a fun party night, the Vegas trip was the last attempt at a memorable holiday event; it was memorable, unfortunately.

My point with all this is that this week isn't my favorite because it's smack between two of my favorite holidays. I don't like remembering the traditions of holidays past, I don't like the planning and expectations of coming holidays, and I resent that I'm supposed to invest a sizeable monetary sum to gift or party on a particular day. Of late, I can add to this list that I abhor the concept that I should be sad I've got a short list of family members to acknowledge this season - I'll be sad about dead family whenever I feel like it, thankyouveryfuckingmuch.

I love this time of year because the rest of the world seems to come more in line with how I operate on a regular basis. "Be nice! It's Christmas!!!" has more people smiling in the grocery store, letting people merge on the highway, more ready for a Good Morning greeting on the way to the mailbox. There is more gratitude in the air, more thoughts of how they can be gracious receivers and thankless givers to loved ones and strangers alike. Even with year end stress at the office, people take their vacation time and remember to take care of themselves regardless of what the inbox holds. We try to remind each other that health and family come first, but something about December makes people act on it. It is like an community exhale. What is really important floats to the surface faster than the marshmallows in our hot chocolate, and for a brief part of the year I don't get snide guffaws when I put on a cheery smile in the morning or say thank you or forgive someone's bad mood. The winter air sets everyone in a more sedentary mood, letting us take time to be with our thoughts as we hide from the weather in our homes, and suddenly I'm not the only one starting sentences with "I was just sitting on the couch last night and this great idea hit me..."

Amidst all this inner joy spawned from blending in better during the holiday season, I find myself coming to realizations that are most certainly from the more reflective state of mind that seeps in with the change of the calendar. As I was checking my emails and having a cup of coffee in this empty house, suddenly I'm overcome with how much of my life now is a repeat of what I've already done.
- roomie is 1) named Mike, this is the 3rd; 2) the live in home owner, I've had 2; 3) male that I'm not sleeping with, I've had 1; 4) a teacher with enough extra curricular activities to make it impossible to know if/when there is a safe time to shimmy from the bathroom to the bedroom naked, my second.
- job is 1) an admin job of only women coworkers; 2) has me as a backup for the rest of the team; 3) has me killing time all day until someone says "are you busy right now?"; 4) bombards me with Dilbert/Cathy/Office Space cliché’s so that I can't even laugh at these comedies without crying at how people can snapshot my life and laugh just as hard. Too many to count the redundancy here. Moving on.
- gym is 1) more of a reason to flirt than work out; 2) my trainer talks/walks/acts/laughs/gets nervous just like Sexy because they are basically the same age; 3) close enough to be my something to do when I hate my house; 4) where I get chatted up by the staff, and get a buzz from the social aspect; 5) what I look forward to and plan my schedule around.
- guy is 1) totally inappropriate, completely not worth my effort, a waste of energy; 2) someone I want a friendship from, but know it's just a cop out excuse to allow me to not hate the situation I've put myself in; 3) just a fuck, and without the fun is more about the intimacy afterward than the fun of the sex; 4) another guy I used as an excuse to move away from everything I know, and will always love just for that, but won't tell how much he means to me for instilling the confidence and will power to change my life; 5) will always resent for helping me change my life but not taking any responsibility for it and letting me flounder on my own once they have me in their neighborhood.
- family is 1)far enough away to not come knock on my door; 2) assuming I don't care because I "left them"; 3) fucking up, lying, omitting facts, overly superficial, and absolutely no support system to me, again by reason that I've detached from them by relocating; 4) a sore spot because I can't have a boundary and a family simultaneously.

So, what to make of all this as the Adult Top 40 radio station continues my slippery trek down memory lane?? Either that I’ve still got lessons to learn in these areas and I’ll repeat these scenarios as long as it takes before moving on, or that I refuse to let go of these aspects of my past, or maybe this is just who I am. Is it that bad to move away from family that leaves you feeling slimy and depressed? Is there something innately bad-roomie-live-in-homeowner-named-Mike that I am comfortable complaining about? I’ve had admin jobs forever and I’m good at the project basis of being the pick-up-the-slack girl, and I’m making almost decent money, so who cares if I’m doing it again?
The only problem I have with any of it is the sense that I’m bigger than all this. There is potential I’m not using, there is a pattern I’m setting to accept things as they are instead of creating the life I’m capable of. I’ve taken steps others are afraid of, I’ve got the mindset that anything is possible, and the tenacity to make it happen when I finally decide it’s what to do. In that light, how many roomies named Mike, fuck buddies, flirty gym rats and boring jobs do I have to endure before asking my 10 year old self what I really want to be when I grow up and go after that? In the mean time, I’ve got $163 in my checking account, a personal trainer who has my inner thighs feeling as sore as I’d have liked my fuck to have left them, a head cold I’ve kept from turning into a chest cold or an ear infection, a healthy desire to be a homeowner, a recurring thought that going back to school would be good for me, and a house to myself for another 4 days that I vowed would feel much more like I live here by the time I have to share it again. I’m not rearranging furniture or commandeering half the living room (though I thought about it), just making the kitchen cupboards useable spaces and finding space in the storage closets for my 6 boxes to hide. Then I’ll go back to checking foreclosure lists and course listings and social options for this upcoming party night, as I’m just sure I’ll be feeling better by then and staying home to watch Ryan Seacrest drop the ball on the Times Square I can almost smell from here is just another repeat I refuse to add to the list.

I realize I don’t post like I used to, I’m still afraid the office can read my stuff and I don’t like having to remember to delete the cookies from the roomies computer. Also, I write in a paperback journal I keep at my bedside more than I used to. If I don’t see you, enjoy the rest of this holiday season, and cheers to keeping the friendly, compassionate, grateful mood long past next week :0)

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Snow Day

I'm getting out of work an hour early tonight, due to snow =)
The boss gave us notice. It's now 20 minutes before we get off an HOUR early, and half of them are going downstairs to start their cars and brush the snow off. So, it's like getting off an hour and a half early in my book.

Have I mentioned these people make me laugh all the time, this job is great for me, and even the hour each way I give for drive, I'm still happy here!!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Terrific Tuesday

I had a great day yesterday.
Just great from top to bottom.
I'm not sure if I've grown a thicker skin, or if it isn't as cold anymore, or if the shock of the newness is wearing off, or if this life really does suit me that much better, but it was really refreshing to not be meloncholy :o)

I'm not sure if I've posted much on which habits I'm trying to leave behind, but lets say I'm proud that I was offered a glass of wine last night and refused it. I could have gone to lunch and had fried chicken or a meatball sub, but I had a pile of veggies instead. The morning commute is my time for Grapenuts with pomagranate seeds. I'm visiting a lot of gyms before just signing with one. And, despite the new habit I'd been forming, I went to bed at a reasonable time last night.
When I'm bad, it's just awful.
But, when I'm good, ooohhhhh boy am I good!

Word of the Day: Schmeckel. I don't want to go too into it, but let's just say, with the population density of the Jewish faith around here and the way an office of 6 women will talk, we come up with all kinds of ways to have conversations without anyone thinking to call HARRASSMENT down the hall. It's almost like a PG radio show, where we keep coming up with new ways to ask if that smile on her face is because of the man last night or gas from the McGriddle this morning. Add to it the New York women and their mouths, and you have a regular comedy sketch any time you walk through here.
Happy Hump Day!

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Happy Hanukkah!

No, I'm not Jewish (yet), but as it happens I moved to the town with the most densly Jewish population in the state (or top 3, or something way up there)... so I'm surrounded with the candles in the windows and the big black hats and the droves of people walking on Saturdays, and now the menorah all have a candle lit =)

And, it's been almost a week since a post and almost NOTHING has happened!!
The work is the same, the house is the same, I'm almost the same... I did buy some boots, and it has been literally freezing every day by sundown, and the one person I know here is driving me away by telling me details about his life, but otherwise there is a rythem to what I'm doing and I just go with it.

I have found the optimal time to leave the house to avoid traffic, the trouble with it is that I get to the office 15-20 minutes before clock in time. I am not used to being on time. I am NEVER early. Even if I try to get logged in and ready to work by 9am, there ain't nuthin about making a cup of coffee that requires 15 minutes. So, I am struggling with being a competant employee who shows up to work on time.
This is certainly a side effect of growing up I didn't see coming. It's easy, I'm adjusting, but quite unfamiliar to not be rushing in the morning.

Word of the Day: Techie. I've had one, he will always be dear to me, but at this level in the company we are asked to direct our questions to the one guy - and I've never met him before. I was a little pouty about having a new guy only because I liked calling and getting my old familiars, but as it turns out this guy not only knows his shit about my systems and programs but is guiding ne through the tangled web of detailed specs on as well as spending quite a bit of energy telling me about his life and asking about mine. I'll remind you, this is my tech support guy and he was on vacation the week I started so he has literally had 8 days to forge any relationship with me... it is quite nice to have a personal connection with someone via email, and with the chats being in Outlook instead of Yahoo I feel better about yammering away with the window wide open as the bosses meander the office =)=)
Have you hugged your Techie today?

Thursday, November 29, 2007


I was asked to just take a breath the other day.
From the other end of the phone, on the other side of the country, it was apparent that is all I needed to do. I earned a "there you go!"
My response was "yes, that worked, until I have to breath IN again!"

So, here we have my long term dilema. I can let go, calm down, smile nicely, be a good girl, breathe out... and then there is the opposite.
It is directly after the mellow, it lets me take in everything, knowing that I'll let go of whatever doesn't suit me. The pit fall is that it fills me with details I don't need and options I won't take and dreams that aren't mine and piss and vinigar to boot.
In yoga I learned to count my breath, in for 3, out for 6. I can try, but I get wrapped up in the maybe's and the 'I could do that" and the high of taking it in. Only when I'm writhing in pain do I realize I've forgotten the next step.
It's nearly like it's nourishing to feel like ass and hibernate and hide from the world and anguish over this or that possible opportunity that you will only ever actually have if you can get out of bed. I don't understand people who always have plans. I need alone time, down time, to stop and look around before jumping into the next thing.
But, when the down time turns to self loathing, paralizing fear, anger and hate, I have to know that there is nothing nourishing about that.

And that is where friends come in. To get your attention back to the important and keep you in rhythm.
It seems obvious that I could remember to ebb and flow on my own, but as it turns out, I'm not there yet.
I needed a reminder to breathe.

The best part is the simplicity of it. I used to be all about keeping it simple, going with the flow - it got me nowhere I wanted to be. So I created a need for control over my life - that got me headaches, poor sleep, eating and drinking to excess, and a snarl for life.
Today, sitting at my desk, almost keeping busy enough to warrent the mess on my desk, I noticed an exhale. I heard my friend's voice in my head saying "there you go!!"

Word of the Day: Thanksgiving. I know it was last week, but I am embarrassed that it is my favorite holiday and I had forgotten why. I adore the reminder to give thanks. I like having a day where the purpose is to fill yourself with what you enjoy with the intention of appreciating it.
I can't keep a gratitude journal, I haven't gotten in the habit of thank you cards, and I usually can't flat out say "I appreciate you" unless it's to my car and we are alone... and this year I had a very hard time seeing the silver lining, let alone being thankful for it, even on the day dedicated to it.
But a week later I can, with the help of a friend, look up and see more than dark clouds. I hope you didn't need a reminder like Tday, or a smack on the head to breathe, but if you did, I sincerely hope you have, because this side of that hurdle is surely where the greener pastures lie.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

One Week

Ok, I actually got here Tuesday night, but I went almost straight to bed (after finding out the roomies bed squeaks- audible from the living room - and so does his girlfriend- making a trip to the bathroom almost entertaining), but immediately dove into unpacking, so I didn't really do anything or see anything outside the house til the weekend.
So now I feel like I've been here for a full week, and am just bursting with stuff to say, but don't know anyone well enough to blurt it to, so here I am!

1) Here they are sneakers. I've called them tennies my whole life. They take this labeling very seriously, as I was heartily corrected mid sentence for using the wrong, though admittedly accurate, vocabulary. Men also get the distinction of topsiders, which are deck shoes, which they were as their casual shoe, even if they are no where near a boat. I've called them, uh, boat shoes, but they seem to carry a special kind of sentimentality here, so I won't touch it.

2) Of course there is traffic. I knew there would be traffic. What I still can't get is WHY. They have a pretty smart way of making sure the cars get to go where they are going without stopping anyone else to make it happen. This is called a jug-handle. They LOVE when I talk about the jug-handle, though I've got nothing but praise for this concept. Sometimes it is before, sometimes after an intersection, but all turns are made from this side-road-access point to keep the thru drivers from waiting for a left hand turn signal or pedestrian in the crosswalk. The trouble is that the lights take just as long; you are not guaranteed a jug-handle so if you are in the right lane you may have to jet left to make a left hand turn or wait and U-turn back, and there is STILL TRAFFIC. Get this - it is a nightmare to widen streets because they would have to also move all the jug-handles!!!! Sometimes the jug-handles get bigger, like they go around a building or a whole block instead of just a corner of park-like nothingness, but this does not mean I'll be getting to work with any sanity any time soon.

3) The food. The white bread out here is just better. I did go for groceries last week, mostly deli stuff, but when the fridge had a foul stench I decided to clean that bastard out before putting any real food in there. This had me getting a familiar hello from the joint up the street that serves pizza, pasta, hot subs, and salads. Yep, I've been in a food coma for a week. This is a terrible way for me to be, as capped off yesterday by my trip to the CVS for tampons with an unplanned grab of the box of Oreo's and a quart of milk (then I ate half a row for lunch immediately upon entering the house). On my sugar buzz I went to the real grocery store, a taste of home because it is owned by a Cali counterpart, and realized when I unpacked that I tend toward really good food when given the choice. You just can't put a meatball sub next to it, cuz I'll eat that too.

4) They say they move faster, talk faster, think faster out here. On holiday weeks, they are slow as molasses just like us lazy west siders. These are all generalizations naturally, but they were so concerned I wouldn't be able to keep up... then took 2 hours deciding what take out to order from before actually going to lunch. Whoh!!! Hold up speed demons, I'm a laid back fruit or nut from Cali, I can't keep up with your frantic NYC-wannabe pace!! I keep reminding them I'm smart enough to follow direction and I have worked for the company before and this job compared to the last one is like monotony on a cracker, but they coddle me anyway. Whatev, I'll suck up the attention and like it.

5) It feels like I've been here forever already. I have to constantly remind myself it's been a, singular, mono, lone, week. Like when I dream of moving out into my own place, or buying a place, or selling a place for a bigger place, I have to look at the box of pictures still not hung in the corner and remember that I haven't even gotten a first paycheck yet. Maybe it's all the Jewish centers around here, got me planning my money before it's even here.

6) The space. There is open space everywhere. They have yards here. Even the strip malls are surrounded by open fields instead of other strip malls. I have to get into a BIG parking lot to see over the trees enough to catch the colors of the sunset. And all the trees were right in the middle of turning when I came in last week, so I'm catching the progress from vibrant to dead. No matter, it creates curbs made of maple leaves that somehow remind me of the Pine Tree Town I grew up in.

7) They don't understand when I say I'm not really used to the cold. What they consider a high for the day is what I'm used to getting as my 4am low. That it is clear out doesn't help me a bit except that I'm more likely to want to go out. Yesterday I spent 4 hours driving around the state - I was wearing mittens for the first 90 minutes of it. I'll be investing in lots of wool socks, and some new shoes to put them in, as well as sweaters that I can wear t-shirts under (the camis give me the shelf bra look, and I just can't have that), and while my cute little coats are, uh, cute, I do need at least one that has a removable fleece lining, preferably something that doesn't imply I'll be skiing any time soon. They tell me this isn't cold, and then clack their teeth on the way to their cars. Bite me, 34 degrees is cold, no matter what. Yes, it snowed on my car the other day, yes I have been rained on, yes I understand this is nothing compared to what February will put me though... I also understand that blood actually thickens up to make you more tolerant to the cold, and my triple layered body is working very hard to make that happen. I'm sure a walk around the massive block would help the circulation, and I see people running outdoors, but somehow I can't manage to get that into the 2 hours of the day it gets above 40 degrees.

8) Last one, I promise.
I want to grow up.
I want to have the balls to tell my roomie that he needs to get some shelves in his closets so this place isn't a clutter fest.
I want to tell the coworkers that giving directions is only useful until I can try them out - repeating them 4 times in a row only makes me want to get in the car, not makes me feel comfortable with taking all back roads through a town I've never heard of.
I want to say to Mr. Jersey that I'm not having sex with anyone until I'm comfortable admitting that I fake it 80% of the time because every guy likes ego strokes, not because I don't know how to get off.
I want to buy furniture. I want to buy things without picturing how easy they would be to pack and move.
I want to say I'm from somewhere in a brief sentence instead of a brief paragraph.
I really really want to buy a place, even a condo, and I think it is mostly about having roots somewhere. My roots though, because I picked that place to call home. Not because I could afford it, or because soandso said I would like it, or because it's close to someone. Are jug-handles and wool socks part of my definition of home?? Well, I'm inclined to think so, though not this part of Jersey, maybe just a smidge more north... but what do I know, I've been here for a week ;)

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Countdown to Tday

It's been almost 3 days of work.
I'm currently the ONLY one in the office.
The super head honcho guy planned the day off, and Friday too I think.
My boss was here until just after lunch, with the announcement that she needed someone to stay until 4pm (but did not announce why), but we could stagger out of here between 3 and 4pm.

As the only one with no family waiting at home, I volunteered to spend the rest of my afternoon surfing the net in the office so they could go.
If I don't catch the roomie in the house soon so I can get one of the 2 computers online for me, I'm going to add internet to my cell phone plan and use my own damn phone line. It's been 3 days, I asked him to log me back in, still nothing, and he's not there when I am to ask again.

So, the job is going well, they are great about helping me with the training and learning curve and getting me to and from the office without too many lost hours on my part, and we got to wear jeans today so it was all smiles.

And, with no plans tomorrow, or until I come back to work on Monday really, I'm here wondering how awful it would be to try to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in person(the locals won't DREAM of going into the city on a holiday, got me a little scared),or if I should plan clean the kitchen enough to actually cook in it to make grocery shopping worth while. Also on the list is to figure how many more factors I can add to the list of ways to attempt, without actually facilitating, gaining weight; so far I've got:
-rehydrating after a week of trying to minimize stops while driving cross country
- Flo waiting with baited breath for 5 days
-using full fat full sugar creamer in every one of my 6-8 cups of coffee a day
- get introduced to the pizza/pasta/italian sub place around the corner, where I proceed to eat every meal
- office snacks in the way of Dunkin Donut box of bite-sized delights.
Sure, it's a different belt than the one I needed to cinch by 2 notches while on vacation, but as my only thought turns to how I can't wait to get home and out of this button down shirt and back into sweats, I'm thinking I may have finally gotten the swelling to turn into something that will register on a scale. Not that I have one, but there is something gratifying about not being comfortable in your own clothes AND gaining 5 pounds. Without it you can't even pretend it's muscle weight.

Is it bad that I wear one set of sweats around the house, then change into another set of sweats to go to bed? Is that too much? The PJ version is just so voluminous, and the buttons on the cargo ones dig into me when I roll over... discuss amoungst yourselves, report back.

Word of the Day: tashoyah. As in "just goes tashoyah, you delete their number and they call you within a week", or "hey, I have Got tashoyah this!!" It is one word here, and during training week I've realized this. While the nic-names for stuff being different is worthy of the raz factor going both ways, I'm pretty impressed at how some differences seem to make it under the radar (and have me ducking behind my actually almost privacy invoking cubicle wall to giggle the hardest).

Happy Turkey day!! I hope you guys all get to smile about your celebration plans!! If your day sucks, imagine sitting with me on the leather couch with the huge flat screen tv and total control over the remote with real Baileys in the coffee, with only the heater intake panel to interupt us...

Saturday, November 17, 2007


While there are a few boxes left, I don't feel the need to have 2 coffee pots in use in any kitchen at one time, so I'm basically moved in.
Some of this stuff I didn't even unpack in the home that I shared with my sister, and the walls already carry more of me than the apartment did.
I sleep well, I wake up well, and when thinking of what to do this weekend I am ok with being here.

Sister got a DUI last night.
I got a message from her 12 hours earlier saying "it is still strange not having you here sister".
She hasn't yet explained what happened.
It took me 2 hours to send a reply. I said "I don't know what to say."
6 hours later she asked how the unpacking was going, and that was all there was to that conversation.
I've been gone for a week, and she got herself a record.
Honestly, my first thought, quickly followed by "I got out just in time, and they won't follow me here."

The shock is here.
The solidarity that this is the right thing is what my faith is based on, even if I have no fucking idea what I'm doing here.
I don't feel like I was running away any more than I feel like I came here for any particular reason.
Sometimes though, there is a little familiarity, like I've dreamed this and it's finally here.
It's happened before.
It's de ja vu, but wrapped up in comfort like sheppard's pie with it's blanket of mashed potatoes.

I freaked out, I'm kinda scared, and I really need a map. Other than that, JB has come to visit and given the official seal of approval of the place, as a concerned-for-Sassy citizen, and even hung out long enough to let me scribble some notes on how to get to more than the grocery store, like work. Oh, and his version of Welcome to Jersey that was somehow very close to the Welcome to Vegas I got last week and the Welcome to NYC I got last month.

There will be a whole nuther mental break down on that one, but for now it's nice to have a friendly face and a welcome wagon.
I give it like a month.

Anywho, it feels a little better being here now that the force of Get It Done is gone and it's on to the adventure part of it. And that Sister royally fucked up so quickly makes me know that I needed this. Right now.
Yep, that's what gets me to sleep, that I bailed on my soul sucker sister just in time. Add to that the nausia inducing petrifying panic will have to subside enough to make me put real clothes on and go to work and figure out why the fuck I'm spending Thanksgiving in a parka out side of Macy's for the parade when I've spent the last year sacrificing everything I have for my family.

And there we have it.
A breakthrough.
Did I ever tell you I was a psych major? Oh, and I was a philosophy major too, if that helps you explain why it takes me so unbelievably long to actually say anything =)
Thanks for the session Dr. Blogger. I'll be vacating the living room soon if only not to puke at the giggle fest of the roomies. Turns out it's a freshie relationship, so that explains why I'm so jealous of how much fun they have together and have to hide in my internet-less, tv-less room. Oh, shit, it's 1am and I have a day job in three days. Damn sitcoms and their hypnotic laugh tracks... no wonder I'm hungry...

Oh, right, word of the day is: Rockettes. I heard a commercial for the 75th anniversary Christmas Celebration and thought "huh, maybe I'll go to the 100th and compare them" which was immediately followed by sitting back in my chair and calculating how old I would be and imagining me as a woman hardened by New Jersey traffic and New York subways with stories of being a kid in shorts at Christmas and Easter. Of course by then NJ and NY might also be warm enough for that, but I'm tangentially filling space again - I promise, if this thing had page markers I could finish the thought as the sentance hit the midline of the last line before starting a new page - turns out everything I know I knew in 8th grade. Moving sucks for more than the bruises.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Jug Handles

I've made it to Jersey. 3 days of concentrated driving got me from my step-sister's place in Flagstaff, AZ to my new place with almost a shred of intellect left. My ass is flat and my gut is pooched and my posture sucks, but I'm here. The truck of stuff was delivered yesterday, the unpacking has been intense, and there is still plenty to go but I needed a return to the sitting position before my feet completely revolted against being stood on and walked out on me.

I am currently amazed at how I packed everything myself, sealed the boxes myself, and still manage to be allergic to my stuff during the unpacking process, but it's a reason for a break and I'm impressed I've had a thought at all, so thanks for small miracles.

I won't disuade anyone from making the cross country trip, I'll just request that they have enough money to stay in hotels more often and take their time with it. I drove through the entirety of Pennsylvania in the dark - sure, it probably looks a lot like Ohio, but it would have been nice to be an expert on the point. On the other hand, I've learned the value of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich, the longevity of 8lbs of ice in my cooler, and the number of miles I can go between bathroom breaks (time is irrelelvant in such situations, one must know if "next rest stop, 72 miles" is doable).

Of all the first experiences I've had here so far - getting to a curve in the road and staring at the Empire State Building, Turnpike gas station stops, toll roads, streets that are named Route #xx - my favorite is the randomness of the jug handle turn. It's a great way to avoid traffic being stopped for a left hand turner or pedestrians getting mowed over by a right hand turner, but to see every corner use them and to assume all turns are made from the right and then to get to you're 'exit' from the route to find a left hand turn lane... well, this will be a fun learning curve, I promise you that. Plus, it's fun to say "jug", we kinda let that word fall out of rotation in Cali, and jug handle somehow makes me think of copping a feel 2nd base style... add to that the move to Middlesex county and I'm giggling Bevis and Butthead style every time I talk to anyone.

So, I'm here, slowly regaining my ability to form thoughts and eat something besides drive-thru fare. Next is to finish unpacking, get a TV, and find the phone jack so I don't have to sit in the living room to get online. Other than that, maybe practice wearing real shoes and real clothes so Monday's work attire is less of a shock- it's been 6 weeks!!!!!!!! Off to organize a closet...

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Just Do It

I packed a moving truck alone today.
8' wide, 7' high, 5' deep, tied down, tarped up, and moved the wall of plywood into place myself.
Yes, I manhandled an 8' wide, 7' high slab of plywood down a 28' trailer and locked it into place myself. The truck driver couldn't believe it, he won't even load them in himself.

At this point, after the waiting and dreading and planning and planning a Plan B and C and D, it was all I could do not to get in the car and start driving tonight.
Silly me, when I bumped into Sister this morning - first night she's spent in her own bed in 4 nights, and only because I left a note asking that I be up when she left so I could get my day started - and she didn't know if I left today or tomorrow, I thought she would give a shit that it isn't til tomorrow. I called her when she was supposed to get off work, asked her if it was a good price on the speakers I had to replace (the 4th of July trip she took my car for 12 hours and it came back with the back speakers blown, with a 4 minute commute I didn't give a shit, but I'm driving cross country so it was time to suck it up and prepare to have the volume above 3), and she started in on how hard her day was and how late she would be getting out of the office.
Not that it matters, yesterday she was to call me on her way out of the office and maybe meet me for dinner, I came back to the house at 7pm to find her dressed and ready to go - what did she have to say for herself?? "wanna go to Hollywood? no? didn't think so, bye!"

It's now 7:26pm. The sun has been down for 2 hours. I had a cup of coffee and my favorite doughnut from my favorite place while waiting for the speaker install. I got to the house about half an hour ago to find her in bed with the lights off. Apparently she thinks she's coming down with something. Only because I've artificially stimulated my eyes open am I considering it, but right now I am so frustrated with being ignored I'm ready to hop in the shower, pack my shit, and drive until I see a hotel that will rack me up the airline miles or the Luxor lightbeam, whichever comes first. Surely I'll tucker out right about the time I get the car loaded... maybe that wouldn't be all bad either actually... make it fucking obvious how ready I am to bail by loading the car with my suitcase tonight so I can beat her out the door in the morning and bail.

The big rub is this: after avoiding me for basically the whole 2 weeks I've been living in her bedroom, pointedly disrespecting me here and there, being absolutely no help whatsoever with basics like "I'm taking this jewelry case, which earrings do you want to keep?", she still has the nerve to say (and yes, of the 4 times she's spoken to me in the last 7 days, this was an actual sentance) "I think you should take that bookcase, but no I can't take a lunch and help you load it into the truck. Oh, you want to leave the couch? why???? don't worry, I'll just bring it to you when I come out there or whatever."
Fuck me with a pogo stick.

I will admit part of the appeal of being on the complete opposite side of the country is to be very hard to find by my family. She is already planning to chase me. fuckityfuckfuck. And, go figure, when I try to bring to her attention that this exact behavior is an exact replica of the other times we ended up not talking to each other for about 6 months, she is gone or passed out. Fuck.

So, I'm here killing time until daylight when I can enjoy the scenery and the excitement of a few days in Vegas. A pamer party where I have nothing to do but smile and be enjoyed and spoiled.
And then........................................................................................ I'M MOVING TO JERSEY!!!!!!!!!!
It's guna take a few days, and I didn't invest in a laptop or handheld internet portal yet, but chat me up cuz I'm plopping down in front of the computer the instant I hit my new place and I'd LOVE to feel the love from you!

Friday, November 02, 2007

At Long Last

A job.
I got the job.
Working for my company, in New Jersey.
It took a few weeks to get it to come together, but I just got off the phone with my new boss who thinks it's a little nuts that I want to drive across the country to work with her, but she is excited to have me.
Sight unseen, I got the fucking job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you notes are being mailed today, yes they are!
And, with all the waiting I was considering giving in to the temptation to live somewhere local - now I have got to be across the country and at work 8am 11/19, so no pussy foot'n around it any more.

Yes, I'm excited. I typically don't set big goals because I so hate being disappointed, but here we have it - I wanted a change, I wanted the east coast, I wanted this company to take me places, I wanted to crack the $40K barrier, and I wanted it NOW. I was already hoarse from sleeping with the window open (or the 5 cats in the house, or the lack of any working cleaning tools), but the yelps of happiness I've been squeeking out for the last 10 minutes aren't helping a damn thing!

AAAAaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh... now, to nail one of these apartments to the wall and get a lease signed - or find the month to month roomie that will let me pay off my student loan and save for furniture before I sign a lease somewhere... whatever, details work themselves out right??
I'm going for the exponential joy of getting it all together today - job, place, and moving company all set up within hours? With the research and effort I've already poured into this heartwrenching project, absofuckenlutely! Watch this...

Thursday, November 01, 2007


While it was fun to joke about sharing a bed with my sister, somehow the reality is giving me bronchitis.
I've been kinda living like a hermit, rolling from the bed to the computer and forcing myself to the corner gas station for a cup of coffee just to see if the sun came out that day. While in the summer I'm sure it's nice to have the bedroom window completely covered in wild ivy that fills to the last leaf with butterflys, in October, it's simply a pile of deadness covering whatever amount of light the overcast days of fall might allow. And the roomie is more than accomodating, but to be offered food every time I leave the bedroom accompanied with the hour of chat that has every one of her sentances starting with "it's like"... I got bored of it when I lived with a 21 year old, to have a 50 year old doing it is just driving me more and more into my hole.
Well, Sister's hole.
Add to this the screwy sleep cycle (about 4 consecutive hours is all I've managed since returning to CA), the hours spent medling in my old boxes in an effort to ween myself off the packrat mentality and into the tiny Uhaul cross country road trip mentality, and the ashen air replaced with the wet mild fog has my lungs not knowing if they hate living with 5 cats and a broken vacuum more than they hate dust and ash and wetness. Though I do admit there is something almost hot about a Demi Moore rasp, the random hacking cough is getting to be less random and more of a humbling reminder to find the sweatshirts amist the packed boxes.
Perhaps the worst of it all is the leads I've had from jobs and apartments - just enough to get me glued to the internet for 15 hours a day hitting refresh for a morsel of hope that I really will be able to hop in the car next week and start my new life.
In the mean time, its a barrage of moving company quotes, meanial keep busy jobs, shitty roomie situations with outlandish lease requirements, and a few big fish that keep tugging my heartstrings of hope.

It will happen, I'll find a way, but the waiting has me remembering that sometimes being the romantic optomistic has it's perks - everlasting patience for the better.

Oh, there's been plenty of drama too, but honestly, I'm bored of it myself, so you'll miss this round of blah blah dad emails and blah blah Sister bitch fit and blah blah I've deleted half the numbers in my phone for how great my 'friends' have been this week and blah blah Mr. Man hasn't left my email or text alone for more than 6 hours in over a week now and somehow that makes me more sad than excited even though I'm waiting here for him to come take me to Vegas next week.
Back to the rental applications and counting my dollars as they slip out of my account...

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Moven On Out

I've had a couple of phone interviews at this point, they are looking to fill a few positions and told me about each of them. They are interviewing for one, and I would enjoy that job, but the timeline and variety of work involved in the second position have it winning me over.

I was afraid to come back to CA because I thought I'd want to find a way to stay - that the entire skyline is orange and black with fire and my sister that wouldn't leave me alone with the "miss you!" texts while I was gone can't be bothered to talk to me instead if her guy even while I stay in her room. That and the fact that I'm still living out of my suitcase, and I'm set to go.

So, I am supposed to get the call by the end of the week (the office is crazy busy this week, and even the rush job doesn't have a start date until 11/01), and until then apparently my top priority is sleeping and eating. Not that I really need to do either, but when left to my own devices, I plan a whole list of things to do the night before and when my period takes over I kinda let Flo run the show by morning. Plus, staying in means I don't spend money!!!

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Vacation, Breakthrough

Small victories are what we are going for these days.
I feel like I just had one.
2 months of hmmmm'n and haaaaawww'n, and I just left a message and sent an email to apply for a job in New Jersey.
That's right, I didn't get to talk to anyone for real, but I made the effort to make the contact and by golly, that is worth a fuck of a lot at this point.
Now, the kids are back, and the neighborhood kids are out of school, and it is climbing in decibals as the kinetic energy in the house gets the afternoon buzz... but I made the effort, didn't just talk about it, and to me, that means my day has been a success.

Oh, and I threw a monster fit via email to everyone who's email address I could remember about how fucked up it is that the company was going to just sit on my final paycheck (that they tried to send 10/04, I wasn't expecting until 10/15, and it is now cusping the CA 72 hour rule) until I asked for it, then hold it captive at the office until I personally came in to get it. No fucking way am I going to set foot in that office again, and I especially won't rush back just to make sure the pissy little bitch at the front desk gets her power trip because she was at her desk to sign for the FedEx package. That was pretty gratifying =)

So, I didn't call EVERY office in New Jersey, but I did write down all the phone numbers so I can possibly use the quiet in the morning to call and ask for managers to see what positions I could get within the same company. Yes, I just threw a fit about a paycheck and want to stay with the same company - its all about getting the resume to look like I don't get bored and leave jobs, which I do, but if its in the same company, its "getting promoted to roles of increasing responsibility" instead of "she was already trained so we moved her to a new seat". =)

Word of the day: spanktopia. We found these yummy little phio dough and spinach things at Costco but the name is so long, we keep coming up with new spank- things to call them. Spankapolooza works just as well. It's fun, just say it and you kinda smile. Additions to the list welcome, I'm all jacked up on french press french roast coffee and can't concentrate on anything besides how full my bladder feels like it is and the pace at which my feet twitch.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Vacation, Extended

Word of the Day: whythefucknot?
I don't have a job to go back to, everything I own is in storage, I'm not terribly excited about my next step being a friends rent-free extra room (I did that 3 years ago, have I really not gotten past that stage yet? do I really need that experience again??), and Sister says she can make it without me for another week (yes, we are stretching that ambilical cord one day at a time)... so, with the 4 speaking members of the family asking if I really have to go home so soon (the wee one kinda grunts and screams to communicate, but he smiles at me a lot and I figured out he wanted juice and pretzels last night, so in my book he's cool with me), and my gut telling me that I'll have more luck with a breakthrough in deciding where to locate the next chapter of my life in a place where I can't consider hiding in this bed forever (it doesn't belong to me, eventually the girls will want the bottom bunk back)... I booked an extra week of my vacation.
That's right.
I'm not super excited to get back, so why not extend the time away??

So, I fly back to CA next Saturday (because I've got family visiting the next week and I don't want to miss it!), I'm surrounded by kids and dogs and grown ups who are worth spending time with, and there is laundry on site to help keep me from getting too funky before I leave ;) Oh, right, and I'll be in front of the computer for about 40 hours of the week trying to navigate the "I can go anywhere, where do I want to live, what do I want to do, will this job bore the life out of me in 6 months, am I at all qualified for this, am I really ok with living 2000 miles from anything I've known, is it a cop-out to stay where I am, etc, etc, etc" that has haunted me for about two months now and is finally feeling like it might come to fruition soon.
Minor detail, nearly forgot that part of the reason I'm staying.

Also, I'm not the only one using the whythefucknot mentality - last night I got to babysit while the parents went out for a drink... mom said it was the first time since ever... they asked if I was seriously ok with it, and were out the door in less than 4 minutes of my confirmation. They had such a good time, they snuck back into the house a good hour before they let the kids know they were back... I'm not saying they christened the new bedroom, I'm just saying they could have ;)

Try the whythefucknot mentality today, let me know where it takes you =)

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Vacation, Day 10

When is the last time you were on a vacation for 10 days???

It feels great to have nothing to do but eventually change my PJs... but, alas, knowing that I do eventually have to pick a life to come back to, it's starting to get stressful to have nothing to distract me from the thoughts of what's next.
There are 3 dogs and 3 kids and a set of very smart and cool parents to distract me here, but honestly I kinda like that life happens with or without guests sometimes and I've had a chance to get back to the computer, send my emails (aka therapeutic journaling without the talkback or the monthly bill), and find out where I gravitate.

And guess what?? After missing the trains every time I tried to catch them and being caught in the rain and having every guy treat me as if he'd never seen a pair of tits and the girls giving it to me straight with "it's the same here as where you are from, but the weather is better where you are, and the only reason I can afford it is because my boyfriend's dad owns the building we live in" and deciding to stay in the room with the bottle of KY and room service instead of putting on the business suit and going to interview at the offices I'd planned to since I looked into where exactly my international company could take me in... I'm on the exact same sites, checking out the same cities and the same jobs as before.

So, does that mean I'm just as lost? Just as committed to bailing on my comfort zone? The vacation didn't scare me away from these places, but that isn't saying too much since I spent my birthday having a fantasy played out on my behalf and the rest of the time I was escorted by a local through the traffic and noise (or in my hotel with room service and a bottle of KY). Might I still end up living in a ghetto neighborhood simply because I can't wrap my head around applying for jobs that pay what I know I'll eventually be worth... and feel like I'm giving up to apply to do what I used to do, even though the idea of doing anything is completely overwhelming at this point, because I'm fairly convinced it will take more than a week to learn myself well enough to find a job that I WON'T be totally bored of in 6 months (and to get into that job!)

On that note, its about time for me to realize that no matter how late I wake up, I still need coffee to keep the headache away, that I'm in a house with 3 kids and 3 dogs and I can just as easily have a crisis while learning Spanish with Dora the Explorer and getting my hands torn up by puppy teeth... and if we are very lucky, I'll open the wine before dinner and get used to the idea that kids just scream as a form of communication and not because they are in any danger at all, and that as the resident couch surfer I can squelch my inner babysitter and just watch the grown-ups talk over it while I wonder if that strange feeling in my ear is leftover from the number of flights I've taken in the last 2 weeks or if something has actually ruptured.

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Vacation, Day Three

So fucking sue me, I'm on vacation and I missed an update day.
It's been quite a good vacation - sleeping til noon, not wearing makeup or brushing my hair, barely leaving the house but when we do it's for food or shopping...
I have dinner plans for my birthday on Sunday that required THE little dress, so we went to get it, then needed the shoes, then the underthings, then the wrap... I might even go for the mani and pedi and even a haircut to go with, but since my bank was nice enough to think that my extravegent spending habits in Maryland were a bit out of character, then have me on hold for an HOUR until my PHONE DIED in the shoe store without releasing the hold on my account... well, I might be seeking out a branch in Jersey before I find a pamper place.
I will say though, especially to Curmudgeon, that I now have a GREAT outfit for a New Years celebration (hhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnttttttttttttttttt).
The only thing that sucks so far is that 1) I haven't applied for a job yet and I'll be away from a computer until Wednesday so I'd better do it, well, NOW, midnight before I have to be up at 7am to catch my ride out of here, and 2) that I've had the strangest expectation of de ja vu all day today... like everything is set for me to 'remember' having a conversation that just has no reason to be here with these people or even in my head at all since I can't 'recall' enough of it to get it started and out of my head... so I just keep living in this partial haze of being an onlooker of what is going on and wanting this ah-hah moment that really just isn't going to come.

Vacations ROCK. I don't care where I stay or with who or how crazy it is to go to a xxx store looking for garter belts or teddys with the wife of the guy who promised to ravage me on sight since the first day we chatted while he went for a cup of coffee and she handed me items to try on... it's new and different and a break from the normal day-to-day and I will be using all my vacation days I acrew anywhere ASAP - and I urge you to do the same.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Vacation, Day One

Yesterday doesn't count, I was on a plane all day. Though the location I landed in is absolutely magnificent in it's floiage, and dinner at the local steak house was delightful, it was still a travel day and really much less of a vaction than, say, waiting in line is what you go to Disneyland for.
So, day one was spent in bed. I was hollered at around 3:30pm and asked if I was planning on getting out of bed at all... I woke up a few times, but prefered to roll over and write in my journal or read in my book or simply stare out the window at the branch of leaves where one half is bright red and the other side is still healthy green... I showered, but the only clean clothes I had upstairs with me were my PJs, so I came down clean and in my jammies and was handed a breakfast lean pocket and a cup of coffee at nearly 5pm.
I listened to a bit of the financial channel, then when the coffee started making my feet twitch I asked to get online and am now checking emails and job postings and apartment listings and making sure all my mailers get to my sister's address until further notice.
And, as Shoes suggested, I'm feeling quite reserved from the world. The house is literally covered by trees, they have lived here since 1973 so there is a very lived in feel to the rooms (not what I'm used to since the apartment I just moved out of had absolutely everything replaces or freshly painted over the day we moved in), and the people are simply from a different frame of mind, for 23405245809280 reasons, than anyone I'm used to spending any real time with, and all of this has me very much out of my norm, and quite well poised to facilitate stepping out of myself and taking a good look at what I want to be doing... instead of hiding in my comfort zone and whining about not wanting to leave.
More soon...

Friday, September 28, 2007


It was nicely, and they are giving me a kind of severence, but I was fired this morning.
I'm having a hard time wording the "I'm giving 2 weeks" letter, but I'm sure something will pop out.
It's entertaining at this point, the shock has worn off and I'm looking at all the things that I can shred and use as packing materials.
I'm set to move out of the apartment this weekend, board a plane Tuesday for a 2 week vacation, and try to decide if I want to return to So Cal at the end of it or not.
I could stay local, but I might as well bail, right??

Wednesday, September 26, 2007


The word of the day.
Absolutely defines what I have been busying myself with for the past 4 hours.
I was going to plow through my work this morning and skip lunch break and leave early to deal with some of the details of moving that require before-5pm attention, but as it stands I was having conversations that every one of my other office staff had with clients because "somehow I just think it isn't getting through and I've talked to you the most over the past few weeks and just feel better telling you directly because I want you to not miss anything I've told your partners". A good hour of my morning was spent getting someone to the right place because a message was left at her home last night asking her to report to work - come to find out the name of the place wasn't part of that message so we had her 25 miles in the wrong direction - when I tried to get some information out of the person who I thought would have it, I was told to let it sit and have a meeting instead of working out the details; 30 minutes later I have an embarrassed worker at the wrong office and the office staff wondering what kind of organization she is working with if we are sending people to the wrong place - all the while an office across the county is left wondering why they asked for our help and it's not there.

Miscommunication. Definately the word of the day.

Monday, September 24, 2007


I've been called a lot of things, but never did I think I'd ever be the kind of girl who could be called "crackhead" and have it apply.

I didn't clue in to chew gum until well into day two... I'm on a liquid diet until further notice only because I'm well on my way to a snap-diagnosis of TMJ and the dentist will be ripping my mouth open on Thursday.

Side note - I'm looking into laptops and digi cams at the same time I get a catalog for a Pleasure Party across my desk at work. I'm going on a major 2 week vacation in a week and moving this weekend and apparently I'm dead set on blowing a shitload of money... nothing like 2 all-nighters to get you thinking you need everything under the sun in your posession =) But, I don't do shopping very well at all, so I've been a bit of a pest about referrals for these items... also, I need a great dress for a dinner in NYC at a place that used to have a great view of WTC - if anyone can think of where I'm being taken (it's a birthday surprise!!!) and how to appropriately dressed (black cocktail dress was mentioned, mine is a bit hussy though) and where I can find a dress (maybe in NYC???) that mere mortals can afford (and shoes to go with???), I'd be more than appreciative!

I nearly forgot my word of the day - onetouchcumable.
That was my physical state for about an hour today, verified when Aunt Flo demanded I stop looking at the party catalog and dislodge the sopping wet cotton rocket and give her one SHE could use. I like how it is one word but says so much.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

new favorite word

perhaps if I stop trying to make every post a soul search, I'll get here more often.

so, today, I offer my new favorite word: twatmonster.
typically used as a nicname, it can also become an adjective if I'm so inclined.
feel free to drop this into you adult conversations and watch te creativity ensue.


Sunday, August 12, 2007

Been a While

I know, I hear you, but I like not being in front of the computer all the time!
Well, more like, I like being asked to WORK at work and not being able to fill my time with meandering thoughts that leave my fingertips callused.
Whatever, this is what I've been up to:
--Made a big splash at work, got my entire office into the black, so that when my boss and her boss went in front of a panel of the next 5 levels of whip-slashers, they were told to take a coffee break. I will make approximately $333 for my efforts - before taxes.
--Got laid. Sticky situation, but it was really good, and he is all sucked up on me now, telling me that I am just a genuine person with a warm disposition that he finds rare enough to finagle a way back into my area to be around. Could be trouble, but for now, its a new friend and a reason to remember the good parts of being a woman - namely Fuck Me Heels and how to walk in them properly.
--Put Sister in her place a bit, aired my greivances, told her where I feel taken advantage of, and that I won't put up with this disrespect anymore. Its a more mellow kind of hanging out now, but we aren't avoiding each other anymore, and I haven't had to sleep in my car for a couple of weeks just to get some rest, so that's better.
--Still fighting with the security of my home. Sister found the door open again last week and the property managers can't be bother to return phone calls or be in the office EVER, so we've put in work orders for this and that and aren't paying rent until we get someone to talk to us. =) Being a bitch is sometimes a most addicting kind of delicious =)
--I've got a boy. Young, clueless, almost yummy, but mostly someone to cuddle with whenever I feel like it. Too bad for him I got a man to fuck the ever liven back into me, or I might put up with his LITERAL 2-pump-chump-ness (picture 'American Pie', but instead of the embarassment, it was 'wow, you are good'. I simply can't find a way to show you what a disappointment this is). He buys me dinner when I tell him I'm hungry, he hired a new guy at his work so he can take time off just to take me to dinner, and he really likes me, doens't want to talk about my ideas of the east coast, but I simply am bored with him and have to talk myself into calling him. I might lower my standards and want to train this youngen soon, but since I never even had to potty train an animal, let alone train it to sit and stay, I'm kinda not predispositioned to putting up with "huh? repeat please."
--I'm seriously considering moving to the east coast - Baltimore, New York, New Jersey are my searches today. Having been born and raised in California, I'm a little impressed at how easy it is for me to imagine being there - and knowing that flights are the same price to take me from here to Reno or here to Portland (HI MOT!!!) or here to Baltimore... well, it makes it easier to daydream about since it doesn't feel like I'll be 3,000 miles away from anything remotely familiar. Plus, I've got some friends out that way who have birthdays coming up and its about time to say hi.
--I'm sick of wearing professional clothes. Am seriously wondering if this industry actually has the money they keep teasing me with, or if I should find a restaurant where I can wear the company logo on a Tshirt and whatever tennies I pick up at Costco and use the $50K my dad put into my teeth to make me prom queen to bring home the $$$$ in a job where I can have fun. Sales is alright, but if a deal goes bad at a restaurant, you're out $50, not keeping your team from hitting a revenue mark and having to remember for the next 2 years why that company won't talk to you ever again even though they'd already spent bukubucks with the company before you came along.
--Finally chumming up and making the doctors appointments. Surely this will be a process, to get to talk to everyone I need to about this and that thing I need checked out, but the statement of what I've spent this year to have the opportunity to go is pissing me off to the point that the fear of them finding something serious (or just annoying but incurable) is taking a back seat. I'm very good at the "what you don't know can't hurt you" and the Darwinian theory meshed together when it comes to medical care... but I have a solid group of care-about-me friends and its time to listen to them boss me around a bit and conceed that maybe I don't know EVERYTHING about everything, even if it is contained in my very own skin sack.

I guess thats about that's on my mind these days - I rock at this job but need to start making money to at least buy a new suit to pull it off, I'm looking at nationwide opportunities to change things up a bit, and in the mean time I've got leftovers from dinner last night with the youngen with a twitch in my britches for someone else.
Of course the day-by-day playbook is SO much more fun that this, but if I can keep up from here, I'll get on it =)

Thursday, July 12, 2007

The Softer Side of Sassy

Today's Quote

We know nothing of tomorrow, our business is to be good and happy today.
-Sydney Smith

I get these in my email, I kinda like them for the perspective they tend to lend.
In a chat with Curmudgeon, I realized that right this minute, I am not bitching, and decided that was document worthy!

Work is work, but the pressure to double the weekly goal that I acheived as a sole effort on TUESDAY is totally self imposed, the sun is shining and I've got the windows open so I'm feeling a bit more alive with the natural light pouring in (plus I can see the ocean from my office, so while the phone rings I spin around in my chair and stare at the deep blue sea, waiting for the afternoon white caps to start appearing any moment now), the cat was normal and polite this morning so I didn't start the day with profanity labels, and my body is in a delightful state of worked out and nourished without being sore or starved that has an obvious benifit on my personality. Can one really live on nutritional suppliments and fresh fruit alone, forever?? Cuz I kinda like not worrying whats for lunch these days...
Speaking of, I'm off to enjoy the sunshine, have a smile today, or borrow mine, I've got plenty!

Wednesday, July 11, 2007


Waking up 45 minutes late because Sister has spent the last few nights at Double Dip's and I am accustomed to waking up to a rukkus.
Well, Shit.
OK though, I've developed a new hair style that REQUIRES that I neither brush nor dry my hair before leaving the house, and I've got the War Paint (read: face of makeup) down to a 5 minute science and I've been wearing the same outfits to work for longer than I care to admit (read: YEARS, all new clothes are Saturday wear).

So, I'm a little sore from the cat sleeping on me and my back wearing an extra 10 pounds through the night but I am getting out of the house with 10 minutes to get 7 minutes up the street and I eek a little when I bend over to grab my shoes and wonder what hell-atious dump the cat took that the multiple cat box and litter to herself can't mask even a bit of the stench and I look up to the cream microfiber chair I was going to sit in to put my shoes on and its covered in shit.
Covered. In Shit.
So I turn to find the cat and repremand her for, you know, having a regular BM, and find that she was so upset at her behavior that she puked ALL OVER the living room.
All. Over.

So, yeah, morning didn't start well.

I roll into work with a swirl of leaves in the wake of my path (literally, actually, not blow'n smoke at ya this time) and in the elevator turn my phone to vibrate to find a text from Front Desk saying "I'm coming in maybe an hour late, can you turn the phones on?" with one of those obnoxious signature lines with smiles and decorations all over it.

Oh, and I started a diet plan Monday to reset my metabolism and break the sugar roller coaster I spend my days on, so on top of all that, I'm hungry.
Really, really hungry.
No shakes or headaches, but my stomach is bored and tells me about it.
Minute by minute updates, especially in the morning.
So, I'm a bit sore from the gym, resetting my metabolism, aching for a lude to let me fall off the wall I'm climbing, frustrated that I woke up thinking "I am going to double the weekly goal this week, and I'm going to get at least 50% credit on every order, so that means my vacation in October won't rape my checkbook the way I thought..." and I'm now here, looking around for my manager, wondering "who the fuck signed me up for this shit??"
I guess I did.
Well, Shit.

Monday, July 09, 2007


my phone is broken.

it worked fine this morning, alarm clock going, still had my unchecked voicemail indicator on, let me know what time it was when I left the house... I pulled in the work parking lot and turned the ringer to vibrate and put it back in my purse where it sits every day.

at lunch, I pulled it out to see if I could find out if my partner plans to return to her post only to find it dead.

"well, this is new. usually if it presses a button I show that I'm trying to dial ####00000###00#0##00#0#"

I try the usual tricks, take out the battery, blow off the sim card... resign to standing in line at the local shop where they have no way to test what is wrong and the best affirmation I could get was "electical devices, you never know, but if you want to see the upgraded model over here..."

apparently a 2 year contract comes with absolutely no expectation that the phone might hold out as long as the bills do.

so here I sit, hopeful that somewhere I can find a way to check voicemails and text messages without my trusty sidekick to guide me.
and in the car is my gym bag, to accompany the new healthy lifestyle complete with a full regime of fiber shakes and protein bars and whatever fruit I want to fill out my regular eating schedule... and no iTunes phone to join me on the cruisade toward baggy clothing.

The clencher... Double Dip was over last night and asked me for the umpteenth time "have you ever had any trouble with this phone? I had to switch this one out like 6 times before I gave up and paid for a new phone..."
Damn Murphy's Law and my reply of "nope, never, you ask me that every time..." and I didn't knock on wood.

Friday, July 06, 2007

Vacation Blows

I've said it before.
My family pisses me off.
I know I said I wouldn't go back, so I was asking for it by adding the home town to the trip.
It was for the grandparents though, and that part went well, and the visit to the cemetary was a highlight, I didn't realize it had been 4.5 years since my mom died until I put my hand on the gravestone.
And the local fruit and veggie chips, that almost made it worth my car falling apart while I'm driving down the highway.
But add on top of the 1300 miles in 4 days "vacation" complete with forgetting the toothbrush and frizzy hair and moving the painters tarp off the bed to go to sleep and watching my 48 year old father not be able to stay awake at 3pm while his 2 daughters sit in front of him at his work that the work place has been nothing but adrenaline inducing crises and clean ups and wondering what actually DID get done while I was away for the 15 work hours I wasn't here. To be thrown to the wolves while both my immediate managers bailed for the majority of the morning yesterday and leave me with no one to ask "huh??" to, on top of the post holiday rush, on top of the rage I was trying to quell from the "vacation"...
Lets put it this way, I've chosen a new hair style based on what I can put together without a blowdryer, brush, comb, or hairspray. Luckily, my coworkers love the funky half wavy tossed up with chopsticks look just as much as my morning schedule hates the 7 minutes it was taking me to actually DO my hair... and the headaches are noticeably subdued without the yank and pull of an actual ponytail or bun.
Its all about the silver lining here folks, stay with me.
So, today, I reconnected as a person with my front desk chick, took 7 orders from companies before 10am, fired 3 people, got 3 people interviews, had a month long fight with red tape give way... been a good productive day, I think I'll have some of the chocolate birthday cake that will be thrown out at the end of the day to celebrate my ability to be an absolute nightmare of complaints and whining and jealousy and anger and indeciciveness at home and a delightful competent coherent and totally professional workaholic at the office!!
Oh, and next week I start the Restart diet with the low glycemic shakes and prefab protein bars and water as the only liquid and all that to see if I can look at my clothes with buttons without cringing anytime before, say, the next shorts-and-tank holiday (or my birthday that I expect to spend between some sheets in Wales)... just as a heads up, its meant to kinda detox and refresh my starting point but in the mean time there may be a bit of extra crankiness.
The beer and wine and vodka hasn't been cheering me up, I figure I can't get much worse than the daily hangover even if I am starving and/or withering away.
Updates as soon as I get 2 more minutes to myself...

Monday, June 18, 2007

Just Because

All Men. All the Time. On my Mind.
Trouble is, its the same ones - all unavailable for a myriad of totally legit reasons.
That's ok though, gets me thinking thoughts of moving, and travel, and visits, and smiles... daydreams of various insundry interactions in wildly exotic locations like the CA central valley or my couch or his couch...
n.e. way. yeah, I'm all about the daydream at this point - even the view of the freeway has me wondering where all the cars are going and which one I'm going to follow right out of this life.
Its nice to have a distraction from the mundane sales calls, whatever the cause may be.

Anyone else using Febreeze as a daily staple of getting ready in the morning??? It is so bad, I'm waiting for the dry cleaner around the corner to post their hours of operation instead of finding a drycleaner that already has their equipment installed, THAT is how NOT INTO THIS I am these days...

Also a distraction, training my cat to be a dog. She begs, sits, hangs out sitting next to my chair on the back porch (until the rugrats come scretching at her that is)... she can't catch for shit, but I guess its a cat thing and I'm all about behavioral training, not DNA splicing.

Had a beer for breakfast yesterday, and a doughnut for dinner - sometimes I love being a grown up, basically only on weekends, but it was cool Grown-Uped-Ness in my house yesterday. And yes, I threw in some drunk yoga in the mid-day, just for the fun of it.

Went to a club Saturday night. Felt jipped by the cover charge, couldn't understand how so many AC vents still left NO air circulation, and left sober as the day I was born, my hair wet only on the outside from someone else's sweat, jeans soaked from the bottom up in whatever someone spilled on the dance floor... sounds like a typical day-in-the-life of me a few years ago, but this time I came home absolutely disgusted by the whole scene.
OK, see??? Grown up was only cool on SUNDAY, Saturday had me as the cranky older chick in the clothes that covered some part of her staring at her feet with her elbows out protecting her tatas from the rude sots who don't care where they shove, wondering why it looked like people were having sex every time she looked up.
What I had in mind when I suggested we go out for a drink on a Saturday night was grabbing a table at the outdoor patio and the local joint that serves steak during the day and martini's in actual glass with a stem on it - planting myself firmly in a chair somewhat close to the droves of military men focused on the bar, with a glass just close enough to empty to get someone's attention that I might need a new one, then moving my purse from the chair next to me to have the party get bigger... this would all happen before 10pm mind you. After that, its shots with the guys, one in particular on my arm, I'm on his lap in the chair, racing the next chair-pair to the bottom of the pint glass then seeing who can kiss the longest without laughing.

Oh, and did I tell you I daydream A LOT these days?
I did.
OK, moving on... I'd better clean up my desk, the manager's bosses boss is in town tomorrow and he likes to sit next to me. I'm not sure if he's checking my skills to see if I'm groomable for promotion or he just doesn't like the other side of the room or he's figured out that he can turn around in his seat with a peach pit in his hand and I'll pull out my trash bin while he spews sales figures to his conference call... anyway, its an extra stress to have that level of managment sit next to you and no matter how flattering it is, I've still booked myself out of the office for a majority of the day =)
Also, having this side of the office to myself affords many personal luxeries like burping and picking my nose and blogging that I get a little upset when I have to behave because, you know, the work and all, and I get a little resentful when I can't distract myself with personal pursuits.
On that note, off to fill up my inbox to give me plenty to show off with tomorrow!

Thursday, June 07, 2007


Same shit, different day.

Ready to walk out of my job yesterday, spent a good 1.5 hours in meetings about it, still not sure the reason I'm so frustrated got across.
Awaiting my first commission. It will add less than one days salary pay to my check. Not sure all this work and effort and tears and pain and having my tablespoon of managerial shit jammed down my throat hourly (instead of the daily or weekly of past jobs) is worth the pittance.

Cops have been to my apartment twice this week. Sister may be a bit paranoid about the vato who wanted to watch my TV, but it must have been freaky to come in to say hi and see a shadow outside my window. So long Sunshine, Hello Dark Cave. The first instance was warrented though - we woke up to find our back sliding glass door open 3 feet wide. Since Sister slept on the couch til about 2:30am, it must have happened in the wee hours. Not Cool.
Yes, we have contacted the management company about legalities of breaking the lease if our house is broken into. No, we haven't started packing.

I am obsessed with travel. I want to go to Wales to visit a romantic interest there. I want to see my friends I only know by phone these days. I need a break from the norm and the daydreams and planning give me a distraction.

Partner has been out for basically 3 solid weeks. Manager is dealing with some heavy stuff at home, but is nothing but upbeat and smiles in the office. We get each other, she sees my frustration, but she is under the wing of Boss, so she is kinda stuck - making it very difficult to get anything actually accomplished on the managerial mishaps so we can all start making some money around here. Front Desk is getting snottier by the day - used to be some Sass I left on the chair, but these days she is just a walking ego that doesn't even get the phone half the time, let alone do any work. Canada just demanded get a few more hours a week so she can earn vacation time or she's walking, which would devestate the office because she has been covering the work that Front Desk forgets to get done as her boyfriend sits in the lobby and she is on the phone with her friends.

All in all... putting the dog down has been the least stressful part of whats happening around here?
How YOU doin?

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

When Asked Directly

All she said was "hey, did the rest of your weekend turn out ok, I didn't hear from you after Saturday...", and she recieved:

We call Creepy Guy "kindawannastalkya", he is of the family that knocks at the door for 7 minutes and then tries the door and walks in to see if you can hang out. He has a major crush on Jessie and is a little actually-helmet-worthy crazy (or the drugs make him so, he zones out and speaks Samoan to himself even in a room of people!!!).
Yeah, I kicked his foot out of my house and 3 minutes later my doorbell was ringing like there was a fire in the building… when I finally answered the door he goes "can I come in and hang out?" I said "no, I told you, I'm going to bed, this isn't where the party happens, this isn't a place you should consider when looking to hang out, especially at midnight-ish. BYE."
yeah, I let Sister know I'm not to thrilled with how things are working out, took time to clean and organize and get pretty stuff where I can see it (still can't tell what is clean or dirty laundry, but who needs to walk on carpet anyway???), she started understanding its not fun for me to be her tag-along-date and that I don't like the idea that my social life/bar fund will be depleated because she got a car payment and my covering rent means I haven't met any of my financial goals AND I won't be able to afford the bar on my own either! She got it, and got MoneyBags to show up and pay toward her down payment (would have been felony level fraud if she couldn’t get the chick on the phone to pull the check from the deposit bag!), he is so afraid of my threat of physical violence he didn't come into the house even while I was chill'n on the beach, and then last night he got Sister's old car sold so he can give her the REST of the rest of the down payment. All this means is that my savings account stays intact and I can save for my debts/car insurance payment/Wales trip/vacation anywhere instead of hers.
Got invited to play at the gym with Double Dipper (can't figure out what to call him, he's gay or comes off that way from imitating his older brother and Sister doesn't like him because of it, and he keeps asking for both of us to do stuff though only calls and kisses her…), and Sis hasn't invited me to the Valley to pick up the money for the car sale at the restaurant that has sucked 3-6 hours of my life at a time on 4 occasions in the last 2.5 weeks… might get a night alone if I can swing it!!!
Honestly, I'm not used to hanging out so much, no matter how much I want to be married or codependent or intertwined in someone's life – I've still been a single renting a room from strangers for the last few years and there is a lot of autonomy that comes with it. I'm thinking being in the house alone for that time Saturday started the Flo-induce avalanche of dammed up regular ebb and flow of social/independent/social tendencies.

Just can't figure out which fraction of my world to take a grip of and shake heartily to induce change, but you are right to wonder if I'm stable these days ;)
Also, when is your hubbie's next night at The Club? He can drop you at my place and we can play with girlie stuff while he's off being a guy's guy =)=)

Did you see THAT??? All she did was say "hey, how's it hangen?" and I go through a rant about how this three-day wekend I was a total mess of indignation and self pity and then invite her over!!!!!!!!

Chicks are crazy!!!!

Monday, May 14, 2007

Have You Ever...

looked your boss in the face and said "its because of you and your way of managing this place that I don't like my job"??

I highly recommend it =)

And, I recommend you do it over and over and over until your boss apologizes for having bad habits and being hypocritical in their demands of you and promises to hold themselves to a stringent standard of control when approaching you.

Makes the day go faster when no one bugs you for the last 5 hours of the day =)

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Fuck Flo

Hormonal Tyraid Ahead...
Poor Curmudgeon and the replies he gets to his cute little comments...

oh, you should hear the rest!!!
I hear at lunch, in the hallway while I'm on my cell phone coming back from the ladies room, that I get a new coworker TOMORROW!!!!!
the real beast of it is that my ex-manager/current coworker told me on her way to lunch that she was told THIS MORNING that the new person starting tomorrow isn't her replacement but rather her new direct manager.
and, as I have 2 companies expecting people at work today that I knew nothing about when I came in this morning, and I filled those positions, and was in tears to get out of bed (literally hid under the covers from the day) then again in the shower, then tried to suck it up before walking in the door, then in the hallway walking off the venom in my veins for being set up for failure first thing on a Monday morning, I am told -as I'm on a personal call in the hallway - that my boss appreciates what a great professional demeanor I have, the good example I set in the department, that she is sure I'll like the person that will sit next to me tomorrow and enjoys that I've set such a high standard on my side of the office.

Today, on the day I am in the hall in tears trying not to just walk out and go home... in a mis-matched outfit with yesterday's ponytail wave in my unwashed hair and my face looking remarkably like I rushed out of the house looking for an omlette on a hangover morning... today I get told I am appreciated (but not quite enough to be asked if I have a minute, if I'm actually talking on the phone that is at my ear, or to be given more than 18 hrs notice to changes in the chain of command in my office).

no, I'm not cranky, why do you ask??? =)=)

in other news, Sister and I hung all our pictures and set our living room up for actual use this weekend, filled the fridge with yummy nutritious food, and set our minds to being martini drinkers and indulged liberally =) Got a few too many pics of the cat I fear, but she was being noteably cute and nice and we needed documentation of the events =)

As for Shorty, there is a bit of lonliness, but not as much as the relief that I can take a full day off work and get out of town for 17 hours without worrying over her. And, I've got the itch to flee, and being able to fit my baggage in a suitcase when I do get the heck outta here has a certain leivity that I've never felt before. I'm kinda enjoying the freedom to be honest, and the dog will come when I have a life to put one in.
And, the cat comes to the door to greet me when I walk in, and its a reasonable enough substitute =)

how was your weekend?? are you checking blogs at lunch, or a slow Monday afternoon time??

See?? now I know why you guys post so I can't just reply to your email directly - I would NEVER have put all that in a comment box!

Friday, April 27, 2007


It was a very rough week.

If last week brought internal angst resulting in lethargy, this week was the backlash of anger and resentment at all things GROWN UP.

I actually emailed Techie on the work email that I was considering giving my 2 weeks.


My partner is convinced she will be fired next week. She has been convinced of this since I started in this office last summer. She has serious cause to believe it this time, but still, it’s a little annoying to be constantly wondering if she will come back from lunch.

Took Tuesday off to celebrate Sister's bday with her - we didn't leave the house until almost noon, but the absolute luxury of laying about the bed discussing options like Disneyland vs. Universal Studios vs. a picnic on the beach was well worth the verbal bashing for using paid time off. We had a delightful day in the Big City and I would have missed the day's pay to share life experience like that with anyone in my life.

The house is lonely without a 50 pound, 2 foot tall black dog around. Its better because I don't have to watch her walk into walls or fall asleep looking at me or cry at me for pains I can't see or find… but waking up at 5:07 every morning to the fucktard neighbor's car alarm isn't the same when I don't have a dog to curl up with for another hour.

The cat, however, has become decidedly more doglike. She still lofts about, singing her feline song, annoyed when she has no lap to sit on – but, its kinda nice to still trip on a small animal when I walk in the door and have a collar jingle when I call about the house for a mini-hug.
Sister is taking it hard I think. We don't talk feelings in my family, but she went for a cigarette and stopped short to ask "what do I tell the kids when they ask for Shorty?" I said "they don't speak English anyway, just say "no mas Shorty".
Then I had to say it today. They didn't care, they plastered themselves to the sliding glass door and yelled "GATO!! EL GATO!!!!" to ensure my feline friend would be frightened away indefinitely. She doesn't come outside, so we have a new challenge on our hands – kids plastered to the side of my house yelling "GATO!! EL GATO!!!!" for umpteen hours a day =) Lovely.

Delighted to report that PMS is receding, my mood is lifted for the sheer ability for me to verbalize then literally dump my shit onto someone else to sift through with me, I went to the gym for the first time in a MONTH last night, and I left all 3 pies in the work fridge today as I looked for chicken breast strips and apples to snack on. =)

Rough. Its been decidedly rough. BIG CHANGE kinda rough.

But guess what else happened? I looked my boss in the face today and said "We hear you. We don't like this either. Let us get back to trying to fix it because we've discussed everything this meeting was called for" and we were back at our desks within the MINUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its not that I need to be able to manage my manager, but effective communication in the workplace is key, is it not?? =)=)

Off to clean house to loud music, get that butt-dent in my couch solidified, and get some light beer back in the house to facilitate both of these =) Oh, and gym classes and working on work without the phone ringing is on the list as well, but secondary to the nesting!

Monday, April 23, 2007

If This is Monday...

It is no secret I am a huge fan of Mondays, when they are compared to Tuesdays.
That said, I'll be out tomorrow...
Got repeated and not even originally misdirected blame in the form of flack from the boss for asking for my sister's bday off, but I don't care.
Boss started with "um, we are kinda behind..." and ended with "you were out last week (it was 2 weeks ago, on my death bed, calling in feverish every 2 hours, and she royally fucked my rotation and we still haven't recovered from her meddling), and taking time this week, you don't want corporate to ask why you are taking all this time off so close to your start date..."
To that, I literally bit my tongue (I think she saw me wince), and internally fume "bite my ass as I walk out the door, and you better hope, after talking to me like the company doesn't gift me nearly a full work day of paid time off every 2 weeks, that I come back on Wednesday, or at all."

Yes, I am achingly close to being over the edge... bitter, full of contempt, apathetic, not even self loathing as much as overtly realistic (which, for those of us with brain cells, translates to pessimistic), and the worst of it is I am feeding the negative - onion rings, ice cream, fish and chips at every chance, and my parents spent so much damn money on this smile and I haven't used it in weeks.
Mostly, I am too afraid to feel anything, even returning a smile at a kid passing my window, because it might lead to feeling the rage and hurt and anger and betrayal and and and and that is lurking under my every breath.

So yeah, to have my manager try to fix our department by sitting next to me for an hour today, to have me taking my breaks sitting in the hallway to avoid the aura of misconduct in my office, to hide in the bathroom and breath through the imminent tears, to have weekend after weekend be more stress than my overbearing and intensly draining day job, and then be told that I should reconsider taking time off that the company is paying me to have the opportunity for??? Lets just say I don't give a flying fuck's left nut if I look like a slacker to corporate for deciding to take my paid time off, and her implication that I am making an unwise choice (as she flaunts to the office that I am not the same old Sassy and wants me to explain what my matter is) isn't sitting well here at the end of the day.

Oh, in case you thought the fix would be as easy as a career jolt, Sexy called last night. And texted today. And he wasn't drunk this time. And it was nice to have someone ask what I thought about something without having to stand tall as I steady myself to bear the brunt of "yeah, but's" until the sun goes down.
Barfly was a total duche and I'm bored with him before I even had a chance to get his shirt off.
The thought of getting a passport and traveling to a small town in Wales is about all consuming at this point.
I slept on my new couch on Saturday night because I couldn't look at the bedspread stained with Shorty footprints so I didn't go in my room - and even when I made it in there last night I made Sister come watch TV with me.
The cat is cute, but its not the same.
And holding your 13 year old, always at your feet dog while the chick misses veins with the death juice isn't a memory you need flooding you when you try to get into your PJs.

Its quit'n time, and there is no way for me to know if the calls I've planned for Wednesday are going to be productive or a waste of time until I start calling down the list, so I'm going to see if I can avoid the beer long enough to change into gym clothes and get something positive running through my veins in a timely manner... even the gym has a negative connotation in the mood I'm in though, and no amount of distraction is taking away the intense omnipresense of "this is not working, you must change the core of your existence or be irreperably damaged".

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

My Training Day

The training went well.
One of the top 100 women in business for the metro area surrounding my company's headquarters had nothing but compliments for me, down to my makeup. She thought we knew each other. She kept looking at me for the nod of acknowledgement, and smiled when I gave it to her. Even whispered a "thank you for that constructive input" after the specialized/small group training.
And then...
At the end of the day I tallied my points for the work we were supposed to accomplish and came in with the top points =)=)
So, not only did she think we knew each other, and turned into a bobbing head doll when I started my sales schpeel, but now she knows me as the one who either did the most work or is able to keep track of the work the best of the 25 people doing my job in the area =).
Right, and that makes my bosses boss so happy I think I actually heard a squeel =)
And when I bragged to Boss about it, she said "girl!!! just look at you showing off!! Now I'll go in there and blow it and my boss will say "at least you hire well, look what Sassy did!!" and I'll have to remind her that I hired you while I wipe the egg off my face."
My SassyAss reply: "well, you're a manager so you get a few specialized meetings, that means smaller groups to blow it in so they are sure to remember its you!"
Yeah, that got her off the phone pretty quick.
Whatever, I've done a stellar job every time Bosses Boss can check up on me and that makes me feel a lot better about shoveling the petty shit under the rug.

How was your Tuesday??
Catch that?? Tuesday?? The day that is typically shitty for me??
I didn't mention that I was in the car driving to the training office at 6:45am, that I had 20 hours notice that I would be required to be 40 miles away, or that I had to call to move the appointment to put my dog down because of the lack of notice, and that I didn't get back to the house until 8:30pm last night... all that little stuff doesn't make as much difference as knowing that Bosses Boss KNEW I didn't have any warning about the meeting, KNEW that Boss was out yesterday and I didn't get the list of requirements until 3pm when everyone else got them Thursday, and gave me a DVD to celebrate my day's accomplishments while I graciously accepted my praise from HER boss, one of the sharpest women I've had the pleasure of meeting in my entire life (no small feat, as I've actually been around non-white-trash people, even in her metro area, that had my coworkers peeing their pants at their awsomeness).

Right, I'm done bragging about how I'm getting bigger than the little stuff and can show off on no sleep and early rising with little to no prep enough to at least ensure I'm not on the chopping block this week.
So, again, how was your Tuesday?