Friday, April 11, 2008

Wholly Heart Attack Batman!

As a public service, I present to you a list of possible ways to perform routine checks of your adrenal system. These can be used to help you get over the 2nd day hangover from not getting any sleep mid week, perk up mid afternoon, as a way to help you quit caffeine cold turkey, or just to test your deodorant application today.
As the creator of this list, and at the tail end of it's tests myself, I'd recommend not attempting them all in the same day. I am setting goals for 30 years old, not quite there yet, have lived a healthy lifestyle with no illegal drug addictions or favorite barista at the coffee house even, and I fear I may need hospitalization before sun up tomorrow because of my extensive testing of this list. I do feel I need to offer my findings to you, in case you need to check your heart health.

-- Realize that if you have 2 alarms set, only the first one goes off, the second one blinks instead of beeps. Do so as you thank Daylight Savings Time for having the sun up when you need to be up, and that article you read saying you should drink more water as you waddle/hobble/race to the bathroom to start the shower and decide which morning steps can be done during the commute.
-- Do half your morning routine in the car while driving roads with stoplights, side streets, and school buses who stop for train tracks. For added appeal, be sure to ram something in your eye as you slam on the brakes. If not applicable, try to catch your drink as it catapults from your cup holder. If you can do both at the same slam-on-the-brakes stop of the block, you will get the added shot of go-go juice from the shock of pain to your eye and hand. Not for those with heart disease in the family.
-- Have a cop jut out behind you, follow you for the 2 blocks after you've passed a semi in that 102 feet before it actually becomes 2 lanes. Maximum effect achieved when his lights go on. If/when he passes you, do not expect your heart rate to normalize, this method will keep your cheeks flushed for a good 5 miles.
-- Try to run over your boss as they walk across the parking lot as you drive in 8 minutes late, then divert course so they don't see it's you driving in. Previous tardiness has proven that even if she beats you into the building, sometimes you can make it look like you got there first- another heart racing experiment, I suggest not doubling them up if at all possible. If unavoidable, be sure to mention that you saw them walking in, offer to do their coffee run for them so they can get right to work.
-- Watch the office lay off dozens of people in 3 days. Notice that every time you get asked for something you are eating, drinking, in the bathroom, or checking emails. Then get a meeting request for 3:30pm, knowing the boss leaves at 4pm. The email at 3:15pm could be hard to arrange, but it will add a kick to your afternoon only a white line can compare to.
-- Be told no supplies are needed for this meeting, but to close the door behind you.
-- Watch the boss explain this and that aspect of the business, it's longevity, mastermind projects from the upper levels of management that has to be carried out one way or another, and sleepless nights over what she has to do with her directives. Give this a good 15 minutes, you will feel your chest and face and ears and scalp tingle with all the extra blood flow as you try to politely stare and bite your tongue so as not to ask to just get it out already.
-- Straight up ask if you are being told to pack your desk to move to another office location or out of the company all together. Be sure the person on the other side of the desk pauses after being asked any question, let alone one that requires an answer with meaning and/or tact, this will inspire actual chest pains, letting you know that not only is your heart working at full capacity, your pecs have had to step in to help.
-- Leave the office with a boatload of information you have nothing to do with, don't know if you can share, and are fairly positive is way above your rank on the totem pole. Mentally run over if you actually were told anything of use to you. Ruminate on if you gave any information that was actually taken in context. Realize you were talked over every time you opened your mouth. This will cause you to loose feeling in your extremities, your peripheral vision to disappear, and the ability to communicate will be not so momentarily incapacitated. Do Not attempt to move while this happens. If you do, blame the ripple in the industrial carpet for your trip. Find a safe secluded place, like your cubicle, and ride the wave.
-- Have the flash of a memory of "this all has to be decided by Tuesday" just as your breath starts to return to normal. Realize that you told her you understood head count cuts need to happen, and that you don't work as well without a team to support - basically negating her ability to move you around the company, or into a roll like you used to have, opening up 30 other offices to work out of. This test is especially effective if you check your emails and find 12 ads for possible places to live have been forwarded to you, 4 of which are in towns your company has offices in.
At this point, I must stress, don't fight the hyperventilation. Especially if you must continue working. It will be much easier to work when you get your metacarpal, visual, and auditory functions working again.
-- Have a coworker invite themselves to your couch for a make-out session. Be sure you are in the company of people who would have no reason to know if it is a joke or not. Works best if you work with them every day. You will know if this is a good heart attack moment if there is dead silence in the room.
-- Get hungry, have no food with you, have a Snapple. Forget there is caffeine in it even if it's diet. This will feel like you have ingested actual hard core drugs. The headache is normal, don't try to satiate it with water, this adds to the dizziness. Find crackers ASAP, before the spins set in. Office chairs are not meant to catch you when you try to stand up in this state, I implore you to find a way to avoid falling back into your seat, as this can leave a nasty bruise in a number of places as you fall into every binder, staple remover, cord, and edge of the table behind your insufficient seat.

It will, if you've done it right, feel like you've partaken in a college experiment to determine if blood letting is a significant and worthy medical technique. Also, I suggest being inappropriately lightly dressed for practicing any (or all, as the case may be) of these heart rate spike tests, as it is a little intriguing to see someone in a scoop neck flushed, not so much with a turtleneck sweater.

This has been a test of the Sassy Emergency Response System. You'll be glad to hear I have made it through this series of tests and have planned a night of rented movies and perhaps a few shots of tequila as a reward for enduring such mild shocks throughout the day. I am still a bit flushed, and kinda hungry, and my chest is sore from the workout, but I assure you, any of these are guaranteed to rewarm chilled fingers, fight back the pins and needles of sleeping limbs, and test your fortitude for standing upright at any given moment.
Now back to your regularly scheduled moody rant...


Mom of Three said...

Holy crap, you're still living????


Miss Sassy said...

MOT - barely, did you see how hard my heart had to work today!?!?!?
better start runnin, I've been goin to the gym and I can catch you now!

curmudgeon said...

Loosely quoted: "You know that feeling you get when you're leaning back in your chair and you catch yourself just before you fall over backward? I feel that way all the time."

Miss Sassy said...

C - quoted from where?
And, my chair catches me - is that the problem, I keep thinking I should get caught but end up knocking my head on the industrial carpet covered concrete instead? Really trying to not be desperately seeking my Prince Charming, but someone better bring me an icepack pretty quick.

curmudgeon said...

That's one of Stephen Wright's gigs. He cracks me the hell up.

And....Damn! That sounds like uh, a headache. :)

Miss Sassy said...

C - if only I were getting headaches from Prince Charming instead of falling on my head!!