Sunday, April 06, 2008

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Alright, from the two posts from yesterday morning, I can see I'm a bit off my rocker.

Though the details are fascinating, absolutely mind blowingly off the charts even for me - not all bad, not all good, just way off the fucking map - I mean, how many rants about bad roomies and stupid chicks and flirting with inappropriate boys and driving around New Jersey can you hear before you completely disown me?

I'll tell ya, I'm not in the mood to test that limit today. Not in that weepy woah is me pass me a tissue and stop pouring the Merlot kinda way, don't get me wrong, I'm feeling pretty ok, which is completely unexpected considering how I typically go over and over this kind of feeding frenzy of existential crisis like I actually live on dramatic fits alone. Nope, this time I'm ready to admit that I've hit MY limit of the bullshit, that I've apparently maxed out my frustration with these lovely blows to the ego and the happy spirit, that I've become comfortable in my supposed misery.
While I can't quite decide if this is the mature or simply instinctual reaction, I've resigned to just be.
PMS is next week, the breakouts have already started, we'll see how long this lasts, but that I'm here NOT talking about any of it says libraries about how I've just accepted it.
And knowing that a particular state of hell must be reached for the calm to set in scares the shit out of me, but knowing that I'm not comfortable unless the comfort zone is in hell is a recent revelation I didn't think I wanted to prove, that apparently I have.

I will say this though, I'm making some moves these days, I'm standing up for myself a little more, I'm choosing my battles instead of excusing my defeats afterward, and I'm proud to not have the 'what if' reel playing in my head, no matter how the outcomes may fall.

What I have to add to all this is what made me realize I've gone batshit crazy - the cackling, aching, gasping for air hysterics that has me now yawning because my brain was without oxygen for THAT long... a sentance from a post, again from the blogroll I forbid you to scroll through, but one I visit for giggles now and again: If you were to dip a Dr. Seuss book in acid and then lick it from cover to cover, this might be what you'd sketch.
aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhahaahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahaha ::GASP:: ::Tom Hanks' 'Money Pit' laugh:: ::Steve Martin's 'The Jerk' laugh:: ::tear, one, from each eye, and some drool::

I'm off to enjoy a bed of perfectly puffed pillows to lay my not so puffy face on (Go. Me. with the turning down of potato chips and not adding a chocolate bar to the end of the leftover mu shu pork dinner).

No comments: