I had a whole rant here on how stupid it is to hate growing up and how lame I am for resorting to stupid crutches and useless mindfucks to get where I am now, and how I think I've broken my own heart in the midst of looking for who I am when I'm not trying to be what someone else needs.
Instead, however, I'll bypass the sobfest with a Ctl-A and a swat of Delete, and instead heed my own favorite quote "what you think about, you bring about" and sit for a minute with some contented thoughts.
I highly suggest, even if you aren't a chip eater, a splurge on Terra exotic vegetable chips. They are just other root veggies cooked like chips, today I'm enjoying the Mediterranean version crushed over my salad dressed with feta cheese and red wine and oil dressing, but the crunch and the flavor of each color being decidedly different, and with a more sophisticated flavor combination than cheddar and sour cream (garlic, oregano, and olive oil with a hint of lemon to be exact), well, I'm dressed in gym clothes but somehow think these flavors demand at least a taster of white wine to adequately complete the palat.
For quite some time now, I've chosen not to bother with things that I used to obsess over. I remember my mom laughing quite hard as she walked in to catch me singing to the radio and tidying my sock drawer (by color, occasion, freuency, and leaving room for the 3 pair currently in the wash, we don't want anything out of order...) - of late, my socks are matched but tossed into a bucket of sorts, panties catagorized into 2 buckets as well with "shows panty lines" and "doesn't show panty lines" as the only differentiation. I'm realizing now that perhaps I was on to something in my younger days, especially when it comes to making the bed. Even if I spend all day in bed, there is just something about having to pull back the covers and lay the pillow down that makes it Bedtime. If you aren't in this habit, I'd urge you to try it for a few days and report back if there is a marked difference in your ability to fall asleep and get restful sleep.
I've basically given up on moving out. This is spurred by the continued absence of the girlfriend, causing the roomie to be a bit more chatty, a bit less messy, and quiet in the evenings. I've certainly grown a tollerance to the BS of it all, but as a school teacher with plenty of duties and commitments after work, I find that his regular evening routine amounts to coming in between 9 and 10pm, grabbing a bowl of cereal, and retreating to his room. I'm a bit excited that he's decided his room needed a massive overhaul this weekend and the bed frame is in peices in the living room =) And that he's already had the AC going and has forgotten to ask for bill money in 3 months, well, with the price of gas, milk, eggs, bread, meat, veggies, and I'm sure soon air going up with no myth that it will ever come down, I'm finding a peace in my cheap rent and already-here-ness.
New habits are hard, right? But that doesn't mean they aren't worth while though. I'm thinking if I just keep at whatever I'm doing, whatever isn't my old comfort zone will eventually be part of my new comfort zone, and if I just keep at it, I'll get into a new groove. For better or for worse is yet to be determined, but I think wanting to spend the afternoon walking instead of drinking might be a step in at least a healthier direction, no?
Some things don't have to totally change though, like the bliss that is Ben and Jerry's ice cream. I can't seem to ever find my true favorite, chocolate brownie frozen yogurt, but the light phish food I picked up has added a particular kind of yumminess to my afternoon, even if I did have to leave most of the chunks of phish to swim for next time.
I'm running pretty low on energy to force a smile or happy thoughts these days, I'm a little impressed at myself for coming up with this meager list, but at least it's not another whinefest, right? ;)