Monday, November 20, 2006

I'm It

I've been tagged by MOT to list the 5 things most people don't know about me.
Well, won't this be a challenge!! What DON'T you guys know about me???

1) I used to be PAINFULLY shy. Like it actually physically wrecked me to be in social situations. This was especially gut wrenching with my salesman of a gregarious dad who found it unfathomable that I really could not walk up to a new kid and start talking, function a sentance when formally introduced, walk with my head up to invite eye contact, or remember what we decided when ordering a pizza. It was THAT bad. Somehow I got over this - I'm thinking it was the manymanymanymany many many M A N Y times I was forced to be with people. Trouble was, as my Freakazoid Aunt put it, "by the time you were 13 you were already WAY too smart for me and I didn't like talking to you because you would just throw it in my face that you knew everything, but you didn't know you did it, you just started talking and in one minute flat I was lost." To my defense she was on some form of blow through my entire formative years, but still, this is indicitive of how my mother had to fight like the dickens to get me socialized in a caliber of people that would suffice. Eventually the real world came and got me, but because I actually had a worthwhile personality but hid behind a solomn face, I was labeled BITCH by quite a few people who overheard my coolness in the hallways with my friends but who I apparently wouldn't give the time of day (because I was ready to vomit at the thought of looking THAT awsome person in the face).
Yeah. This is gonna be a tough list!

2) I was a band GEEK. I wasn't in the band, I was section leader, marching center of the entire squad, winning awards left and right at band camp, teaching the frosh how to behave in class, first to arrive when we had to be on the bus at 4:30am for a competition, telling the Band Aids what the requirements were for us to win all the appearance points, running with the instructors keys to get the room opened up for the tard who forgot to get his neckstrap, at EVERY SINGLE Varsity football game because thats when I could show off how loud I could blast my brass and how well my vocal chords could handle the cheers and shout backs. I was a trumpet player for 10 years. I was in marching band, concert band, and jazz band, where my second chair had me not hitting all the high notes (braces, ouch) but I was the ONLY one doing solos. Again, extremely painful to stand in front of everyone and literally toot my horn, but somehow the instructor got me through it. Go Scho!!!
I have it in my closet, I haven't picked it up in years, but I am convinced that this part of my experience built my "help others for the greater good of the whole" mentality that keeps me strapped in administrative work.

3) I cry. A lot. Like last night I was washing my face after watching TV and out of no where I broke into sobs, right there with my face under the spout. There was a heartfelt moment at the end of the show, and I got a little teary about the letter from beyond the grave apologizing for what he was sure everyone had found out about him (Brothers and Sisters, if you don't already, START WATCHING)... then pet the dog and got ready for bed only to find I flashed back to 2 years ago for almost no reason whatsoever. You'd THINK I'd be crying for my mom, who didn't get a chance to leave a letter before succumbing to her illness, but instead I heard something in Costco that had me flash to an ex and it had me snotting myself as I rinsed my face.
I'll cry in the car on the way to work. I'll take a morning break to let loose in the bathroom. I'll cry on the way home. I'll look at the dog and drop a tear. I'll have conversations with people who aren't there and cry until my stomach can't eek out another breath. I don't know why, I usually feel a release when I'm done, and its not every day, but I don't remember crying even a year ago so this is getting a bit worrysome now that I think about it. I'm either becoming fully realized as an emotional being or I'm falling apart at the seams. Stay tuned.

4) I am still extremely nieve. It took me until, well, about a year ago to understand what "White Lines" was singing about. I liked the song, and knew the words, but didn't know what they MEANT. I am still baffled when guys who SHOULD treat me well because they are trying to get BACK into my pants treat me like SHIT for exactly the same reason. I can't follow politics because I forget who does what jobs and where their effects reach before I read the next story. I am that chick who could have a plane crash over her head while she's picking a dandilion and wonder why everyone is running when she stands up. But, I am also extremely smart and observant of the little things, like when the waitress thought we were ready to order because our menus were closed, Sexy thought I was AMAZINGLY observant. I'm getting better, and I decided to keep my head buried when I realized that I would eventually grow up and there was no need to rush that. But I'm in my late 20's now and I am still a little embarrassed when my little sister and my boyfriend talk about shooting up vs. freebase vs. dropping parachutes and they both look at me and I get to say "uh huh, what you said" because I was too blinded by rear of the unknown to have anyone talk to me about it, let alone offer to let me try it.

5) I'm really ok with myself. I go through fits of disliking this or that, but I think its Flo who incites these insecurities. I know I am a growing expanding creative person who will never fulfill her full potential, and I am willing to be who I am right this minute on my way to being who I will become tomorrow. I don't hang on to memories because I don't want to be stuck as who I was then. I don't plan too much because I don't know who I will be when I get there and I do NOT want to be hindered by today's goals. I think I want to be thin, but I've always been heavy, and my size 12 waistline offers me a kind of classic Venitian curvature that I typically find attractive when I stand naked in the mirror. I remember the days when getting offered to go to the movies with a friend would get me hyperventilating with anxious anticipation... I'm glad I am not like that anymore... but even yesterday when Sexy came over and asked how I was my only response was "happy to see you" because I am still a bit like the shy girl who hit puberty and grew up before everyone else who is thrilled that someone wants to spend their time with her.
I am work in progress, and I know it, and 90% of my angst is from knowing deep down that opportunities are everywhere and I don't want to be the chickenshit I once was. The best thing I ever did for myself was follow my gut, but with all the coffee and multivitamins I've been taking I'm afraid my intuition might be skewed. I'm afraid to listen when things are good and only respond to the bad after a thurough going over in the mental side of things (which I hash out here for public scrutiny and support and approval). Somewhere in this Libran process of checks and balances, I know its what I need to do in order to stay on my right path and take advantage of what I can only when I am ready to... and for that I am comfortable knowing these pounds will stay on and the makeup will be applied and my friends list will be short and my work life will be a struggle of discontent and my home life will continue to test me in unphathomable ways. In the end though, I know its all good for me and I can take it and that I am the person I am meant to be right now. The fun is that who I am is Sassy, or Susie Sunshine, whoever peeks out that very minute, and the dominant is forever undecided =)

Alright. I'm talkative today. I made coffee and had to add a warmer to dilute the creamer explosion, then Would Be Boss asked if I wanted breakfast so instead of a protein shake I had a veggie omlette. I am PUMPED UP!!
I almost forgot to tag my 5... lets see...
Laurie, as a topic to post about in these non-Pirate days,
Christal, just because I really wonder what she hasn't put on display yet,
Curmudgeon, as I think the one liners would be quote worthy ;),
LBB, cuz who doesn't wonder what makes that guy tick??,
and, Stacey as I'm sure she would LOVE to be more entrenched in the Blogger world =)

7 comments:

vincentblackshadow said...

Cool post

Miss Sassy said...

VBS - I'll tag you too, just for the fun of it, so you feel like you have more to blog about than missing a dog and feeling like arse, which is what lots of us blog about anyway ;)

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

You were shy?

Hey, you tagged me. Yay!

Miss Sassy said...

LBB - go figure, I used to be shy. Just goes to show how the pendulum swings in my world ;)
Yes I tagged you!!! I thought "who do I want to know secrets about?" and since I already know that your can't use your left hand for shit and that you have an obsession with bullets, I thought I'd offer an excuse for another type of random post =)

Tom said...

Let's see.....

You were shy, then angry, then extroverted. That took about two years.

Then, suddenly and without warning, you were full of wonder. It was fun to watch, it was almost like you were a small child. Everything was worth watching and touching and engaging. The world had opened up before you and, damn it, you had no intention of missing it. We used to talk about it.

By the way and just so you know, the last time I shed a tear was when I gave your Mom my hat and said goodbye.

Miss Sassy said...

Tom.
Fuck you very much.
Somehow I thought checking my emails might perk me up.
I am in a lot of denial about what I REALLY cry about some of the time.
Glad you still have the undeniable ability to find my weakest spot and make me work on it ;)Comforting in that masochistic kind of way.

Miss Sassy said...

Oh, and Tom? I held near and dear your advice to stay home as long as possible, keep young as long as possible, don't worry about the big stuff yet, let others take care of you until the very last possible second.
You were an integral part of my letting myself stay naive, and I am as thankful for having NOT grown up yet as I am for being healthy.
With the one bob head nod of too-true assurance and a wink, in just that way as I am indeed becoming my mother, my gratitude.