Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Who Rocks The Pawty?

Got your seatbelts on?? I've got lots of updates and a whole Cardio Funk class of hyped up to burn off... I'm told I have an hour of rapid metabolism and for some reason telling you all about my last few days is better than Tivo.
TV Junkie speaking here. I have been trying to kick the TV habit for years and here I am in front of a computer screen talking about how I am so good for not watching TV.
Keep Up. Bent, take notes. MOT, watch me grow up. Curmudgeon, be proud. Laurie and Mona and April and LBB... hope you laugh your asses off, I'm trying to be as cool as you =)

First, an update.
No, I didn't biff it like a drunk at a sobriety check at the class Thursday night. I felt good when I got to the gym, danced like the little (yet surprisingly rounded) latina told me to for an hour, THEN oogled my new favorite gym rat while on the bouncy ball... I just stared at him in the mirror on the super skilled level and bounced to the beat of the music and thuroughly enjoyed my evening - in fact I totally forgot I was drunk!!! Hahahaha... must have been good if I can't remember the hour before by the end of the night!
Oh, and I got a call from a new friend on my drive home and didn't get to sleep until WAY past my bedtime. Don't get excited, she is just a cool chick who gets me and lives on the other side of the states... no hanky panky with my Blonde Bombshell after class.

I left my cube Friday totally satisfied with my karmic destiny.
And with my ability to leave all that crap for them to figure out since I have done quite a few desk clean ups in my day. I've been working front desks, reception areas, and file rooms my entire post college career... this is me telling karma to shove it. I don't mind being the bigger person, but I'm slimin out of my britches and kinda like it so I'm gonna keep on doin it.

Saturday Syndrome
Do you get this? Where you don't have any plans, its been a big week (remember, this is the SAME WEEK of Disneyland with the sacked out and psycho family, job interviews and job offers abounding, deciding where my career was going by responding to one call back over another, understanding that Corporate American politics is severely too high school to even acknowledge as a part of my 'real life', and getting a whole heap of resolution the same hour Aunt Flo packs up and bails), and there you are waking up on Saturday morning and there is just nothin. No desire to get up. No one tugging at you to take care of them. No ache to soothe, food to scarf, errands that can't wait, friends buggin, family callin, roomies mimicking a pack of elephants... really nothing to break the mood of "huh. sleep. cool. yeah, I'm gonna roll over and sleep."

No? OK, think Office Space when he was supposed to go to work that Saturday and he was in bed until sundown... minus the answering machine (which is awsome for the movie, but not for my Saturdays.)
THIS WAS ME!!!!! The last three months in a cube I refused to watch that movie because I had dreams of finding a guy to drop dead of a heart attack while helping me deal with Cubeville... and as I kiss that goodbye, I DO IT!!!
I rolled over at 8am. My roomie is doing a yard sale. The other ones aren't up yet. I roll over. Sometime around noon the DownStairs Girls take off for manis and pedis (I heard the WHOLE conversation, yes indeedie, Sqweeky and K might as well use bullhorns to talk to each other), I sneak down for the deli sandwich I thought would be free but my lame ass couldn't read the coupon and it was only a dollar off, and eat in bed. Yep, no radio or TV, just four sets of eyes staring me down for the morsels stuck to the paper. And my new magazine that got delivered that morning.
I passed out from laying and reading in the sun beating onto my pillows. The house was still quiet. I take advantage of myself. Three times. Then pass out.
This repeats itself three times. Yep, an afternoon of naps and repeatedly rubbing myself rigid.
Eventually the sun went down and I got in the shower, took off for the gym, and came back for a bit of my usual Saturday - Tivo.
It was awsome. I recommend it to absolutely anyone. Really clears your mind more than a walk or cleaning the space or talking it out. Just sleep and masturbate as much as possible for as long as possible and F E E L the clarity just settle around you. Like feathers falling after a pillow fight.

THEN. There. Was. This.

This one time, at band camp...
I actually had to hear my best friend screw his little (4'8") freshman girlfriend in this gym we were using as our accomodations on a trip to be in a parade and field show competition.
The movie wasn't joking folks. Band geeks aren't geeks at all... on buses and traveling and cooped up together as much as the sports teams and cheerleaders - can you remember a HS football game without us and our brass and bass??
Huh? Was that a Hell No Miss Sassy?? Thats. Right.

To say I had a flashback would be putting it mildly. I heard K come home. I heard someone go outside; then (as I cursed out loud) come back in. They decide her room is too far away and park it 10 feet from her bedroom door on the couch. It is still warm from my ass being there all night, but they don't notice because within FOUR MINUTES I hear a faint then distinct whining... I am trying to find the black dog in the shadows HOPING AND PRAYING TO ALL THE CRICKETS IN THE WORLD that I find a whimpering spasmatic pooch in the hallway.
No Dice.
My roomie decided to bring her date home and do whatever makes a girl go "uhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh" to the tune of Julie Andrews on that damn hill (yes, I had that flashback to. UGH is Right, byotch).
Thought I would do a little bitch move huh? Nope. I figure shes done, they will go to the BED 10 FEET AWAY.
Would I tell you about it if that were it?? I hear him, in a very impressive 2 minutes, moaning "oh, my, gawd".
NOW I pull out the bitch you knew I loved to save just for you. I scream "You Have GOT To Be Kidding Me!" as I toss the blankets and the four magazines and three books I'm reading to the wall and in one fluid triple dance step over the two black dogs soundly sleeping through my tyrad, to the stairs. Taking a moment to plan my attack, I hear "mmmmm" out of him. Um, OK. There are SO Obviously people home and sleeping, and you can't even find a pillow to shove in your fat hole?
I decided to start easy. I flicked on the stairwell light, then right back off, turn on my heels saying "You Are Kidding Me" in a tone very akin to K's very favorite saying and intonation, then SLAM my bedroom door. I wait.
There is a bit of hussle, some racket in the kitchen and a spilled glass of water and whatever else they flung their leg into in the wild panic of being caught humping like monkeys in the living room.

Nothing was said the next day. Too much drama to even metion spluge on the couch.
But not my drama. Something that made T come home crying from her parents house. I guess their brother needs to distract from his life by pointing fingers and dragging up shit so old the Voodoo King wouldn't touch it with a caldron of bats feet and pigs blood.

Anyway, I am similarly lazy on Sunday. I don't get much done, and without the gym, phone calls, or house cleaning I am somehow whipped by the end of the day and conk out by 9:30pm.

"I'm training today, and this new girl here is cool as sh*t."
Direct quote from the girl whos desk I am taking over.
She is 20, plays the barbie game with glitter everywhere (eye liner, french tipped fingernails, lip gloss, and body lotion), refuses to not talk to her boyfriend and the guy she asked out to dinner, or let her cell phone got to VM with the office line ringing.
Yep, shes out and I will ROCK this desk!!
They are used to her not being able to get through this pile of work. It got backed up Friday. Fine. DO IT. Make ME do it!! I'm gonna do it myself in three days anyway - Pass. The. Puck. Phuck!!!
Whatever. She's cool, I dressed way better than her, and apparently there was such a buzz about my coming in that I didn't need to be introduced to the people who I transfer calls to all day... I was lead by the branch manager right to the regional manager to talk about the vice president's visit tomorrow.
Thats right. How do you like them apples?? I am the golden child to the New Boss and SAHWEET CHICKEN do I enjoy this warm and fuzzy in me!!

Last thing, I promise.
Not only is the hip hop dancing wearing off, but my ass is falling asleep and its insanely difficult to roll into the closet and onto lame legs when you haven't cleared a path in the laundry from unpacking or the week of gym and work and weekend PJs.
So whenever I go to the gym, I get an emotional release with my endorphine buzz. Its like the runners high, but with tears. It usually last the 10 minute drive home - some song will tip me over the edge or I am wanting to scream at someone for being a dill-hole or am stressed about something and the water here makes me cry like a spoiled 3 year old in the candy isle.
Alrighty. I have been used to this. Its been happening since I started going, and is pretty consistently controlable by the time my sobbin ass pulls into the driveway.
Yoga. Wednesdays. My newest nemesis. Meditate = let the dredger Run MuthaPhuka!!! I will be tearing up IN CLASS. This last week - heaving and tears flowing before I get to the car. I sit in the car for an HOUR in front of my house. Workin some Shit.Out.Yo.
And when I got the giggles at how lame I was for barking orders of respect to my stearing wheel, I let the laughs come like the tears did and went to bed with a SMILE ON.
Check it out. I come out of the middle of the Week Of Hell 2006 ver. 3A grinnin like I just won gold in the special olympics. (They smile bigger than these professonal athletes, you GOTTA give me that.)
Then it happened... Thursday was my spiked water and dance class and Non-Incidental Core class followed by a phone call before the ick settled in... Friday was cathartic in so many ways, Saturday was simply Orgasmic (yeah baby!), and Sunday was so calm I can't even remember it.
So its Monday, right? I had a first day at work, trained on a whole new system, met 30 new people, wore heels and hose and a matching suit, came home for a brief moment to collect my thoughts and tennies, and blazed a frothy trail (its raining here) to try a new class.
And when the hour of hip hoppin around a room of strangers to steps I've never seen was over... well, NO MORE TEARS.
Johnson and Johnson would be proud.
I was soaked in sweat and rain and full of energy and driving in a town that hasn't repainted lane markers since the Regan administration and when I rounded the corner and looked out over the mountain I felt it.
The glow.
That heat.
The pride.
My Self.
Coming around in a way that is all to familiar to be just a phase.
Like when you walk into your space and you feel its YOURS. Like being home. Its just right to be there. And here, with a bit of a tug at my cheeks, and a bit of twinkle in my eye, I know the ME is waking up.
And you know what?? (MOT, work with me on this one) I started the gym the same week He and I had our third first date... and haven't talked to Him in weeks now.
::heavy breathe::


Ale8one said...

wow. i got exhausted from reading that. good work.

Mona Buonanotte said...

I'm fantasizing about a whole Saturday with nothing to do but sleep and masturbate.


That's a HELLA GOOD fantasy!


curmudgeon said...

Good Gawd! I had to stop and take a breath in order to keep reading!

You can't see it, but I'm sportin' a big WWWWIIIIIIIDE grin for you.

Laurie said...

clap clap clap clap!!!!

Damn, girl! For RHIZZO! I have never read something so incredibly run together yet focused. You rock.

My fave?

"I take advantage of myself. Three time. Then pass out"


Miss Sassy said...

Thanks ya'll!!!

ale8one - I got exhausted writing it - literally rolled into bed!

mona - dream on... single life is fan bloody tastic!

C - you smile for me all the time... should I be surprised?

Laurie - you sure know how to talk to a girl =) I quote your compliments in my ::gasp:: real life!!

Got the desk to myself for Ms. Trainer's lunch - beware of tag back comments!

Mom of Three said...

Okay, I'll work with ya! Don't I always? I only sound impatient over the IM, right?

So, you replaced Barbie? I told you that you would kick ass. No worries.

One thing about the sunrise to sunset sleep/masturbation plan is that you have not one tense muscle in your body the whole next day!

Just don't go getting carpal tunnel from your weekends, please. Get it from work so you can claim disability.

Congrats to you, kisses to Her Shortness!

Bent Fabric said...

Wow, I'm a slow reader so it took me 40 days and as many nights to get through it all. hehe But you crack my ass up with the stuff you some up with. Seriously, you should've heard me laughing.

Great post. Things are definitely going your way and I'm thrilled to hear it. The new gig is going well, your new gym class sounds promising, you haven't spoken to Him in awhile and your overall funk seems to be lifting. Maybe you should take advantage of yourself more often. ;)

Used Hack said...

At my school, band was for the "cool kids" not just band geeks.

We went to a marching band festival (not technically "band camp") and had all kids of stupid fun.

curmudgeon said...

...And did I mention I used to be a band 'geek' too?
It was great! We got to go everywhere the teams did, but we didn't have to work near as hard.

CP said...

Holy crap. I laughed so hard through that whole thing, Sassy.

You love yourself long time. You go girl. *LOL*

got here via Laurie and you stopped by me once before!