I posted on a roomie website a few weeks back, thinking the worst that could happen is I could appreciate my current situation more. So what if it's 40 minutes to work from 3 towns over?? At least it's not putting 40 miles on my car!! I live so far from everything it's a chore to get gas??? Who cares, you don't need a house key because we never lock the door this neighborhood is so safe!! Housemates so inconsiderate they beat furniture into the walls and play basketball in the house??? Well, it forces you to get out of the house more often!!!
OK, so I'm done convincing myself that I should stay here.
There is a lot of my Jersey life here - gym, luncheonette, finally found a grocery store I like, the coffee at the one spot is what I wake up for on Saturday's... alas, I'm going to meet one of the roomie website people this weekend, because she and I finally connected last night and spent 3 hours on the phone, then she invited me to spend basically the whole weekend with her, and is forwarding me apartment postings that are absolutely flooring me with how divine they are - and CHEEEEEEEP!
Now, all the rest of it comes into play, the drive, the gym, the reestablishing a life, but, I've moved like a bazillion times now, and when I woke up this morning, at 7am (when I should wake up for work but can't manage it til 7:45am) and check my phone to find a voicemail, not just a text, from the roomie (we ONLY chat through text, and that's IF it's significant enough to warrent telling me - parties of 15 that start at 9pm don't count) who asks at midnight Friday if his 'guest' who will be staying in the kids room he's been cleaning for a solid week and just found the carpet of can use my shower all weekend.
OK, I think, how hard can it be to not be on this person's schedule?? I know he didn't come home til late last night, I'm up early even for me... what is that noise??? Oh, you mean I woke up to someone already in my bathroom and she is finally in the shower?? Alrighty, I'm done, thanks but no thanks, I'm going to find a place that doesn't make a trip to the city an all day affair, a roomie that won't eat all my eggs just in time for me to want to make an omlette, and anywhere where I get enough respect to at least be able to piss in my own pot in the morning.
I might freak out, but I think all the building up of my stockpile of goods here was a great reason to have stayed, and now that I've knowingly kept my stupid phone past the 30 day return period and given up the idea of blowing my wad on an iPhone (because the money channel says they are out of stock for a reason and their new product is coming out a quarter early!!!!), well, it's all pointing to this Jersey Girl moven right on up, and to the east side (right next to the Holland Tunnel, if your mapper is so inclined, mine wouldn't let me link it for you) of this Garden State, to try to find the creature comforts of home, like sleep.
Saturday, April 05, 2008
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Bad Girl
Being naughty just feels good, doesn't it?
Even being home and leaving my shoes on is such a change from the usual, it feels like I'm being bad, and somehow that is exactly what I need today.
It's been alllllllllll day now.
Got to work late with no excuses.
Took off the sweater to reveal the too-sheer-for-no-cami-that-is-what-the-sweater-was-for shirt.
Remembered, then promptly forgot, to do some of my first of the month things (why some of my Outlook task list has the reminders working and others don't is beyond me, but whatever).
Have been using pet names with absolutely everybody. Everybody. Like my boss. And the checkout kid at the convenience store.
I rekindled the thrill of a lone quickie in the restroom today, THAT is how naughty I've been!!!
OK, so some of it has to do with the temptation of maybe having a guy to be interested in hanging over my head all last week and then sitting here in limbo as he decides to call or not. Part of it might be the afternoon of flirting with a friend I have written off quite a number of times now, making the "oh, you're doing yardwork, I'd love to get dirty with you, do you think the neighbors would notice?" so much more indulgent because he is on my Bad Boy list as it is. Perhaps this is the other way to spend energy when I'm not at the gym - much better than moping, though just as much of a waste of time and mental energy.
Even the delight of a sushi dinner with Co-Worker With a Crush is adding to the sinful heaven of the day. To feel full, to know the sauces are laiden with fats and sugars, to have it be a surprise invite and a great uninterupted conversation... well, she is kinda on my Bad Girl list too, and I don't say that just because she smacked her ass as she walked away then looked over her shoulder and winked at me as she made sure I saw that.
Loving this time of elevated mood, no matter what brought it on. Adoring that I have about 20545 things that could make me upset right now, and two weeks ago they did, but today I just can't muster the energy to let this shit bother me.
Just watch - I'm growing a spine, I'm becoming comfortable as ME, with ME, for ME, by ME... if history repeats, he's lurking around the corner. And he is going to ruin me. Please please let's make this go around let me keep ME in the picture.
Even being home and leaving my shoes on is such a change from the usual, it feels like I'm being bad, and somehow that is exactly what I need today.
It's been alllllllllll day now.
Got to work late with no excuses.
Took off the sweater to reveal the too-sheer-for-no-cami-that-is-what-the-sweater-was-for shirt.
Remembered, then promptly forgot, to do some of my first of the month things (why some of my Outlook task list has the reminders working and others don't is beyond me, but whatever).
Have been using pet names with absolutely everybody. Everybody. Like my boss. And the checkout kid at the convenience store.
I rekindled the thrill of a lone quickie in the restroom today, THAT is how naughty I've been!!!
OK, so some of it has to do with the temptation of maybe having a guy to be interested in hanging over my head all last week and then sitting here in limbo as he decides to call or not. Part of it might be the afternoon of flirting with a friend I have written off quite a number of times now, making the "oh, you're doing yardwork, I'd love to get dirty with you, do you think the neighbors would notice?" so much more indulgent because he is on my Bad Boy list as it is. Perhaps this is the other way to spend energy when I'm not at the gym - much better than moping, though just as much of a waste of time and mental energy.
Even the delight of a sushi dinner with Co-Worker With a Crush is adding to the sinful heaven of the day. To feel full, to know the sauces are laiden with fats and sugars, to have it be a surprise invite and a great uninterupted conversation... well, she is kinda on my Bad Girl list too, and I don't say that just because she smacked her ass as she walked away then looked over her shoulder and winked at me as she made sure I saw that.
Loving this time of elevated mood, no matter what brought it on. Adoring that I have about 20545 things that could make me upset right now, and two weeks ago they did, but today I just can't muster the energy to let this shit bother me.
Just watch - I'm growing a spine, I'm becoming comfortable as ME, with ME, for ME, by ME... if history repeats, he's lurking around the corner. And he is going to ruin me. Please please let's make this go around let me keep ME in the picture.
Weekends Rule
I meant to convey the absolute brilliance of this weekend before having to tell the story 4947902342780 times, but, I will say that sleep does not a weekend make, I love to flirt, and I might be talking a lot more about the bar scene in upcoming posts. Let's hope I can either manage this week on 5 hours of sleep at a time and reset next weekend, or find a way to work out at 2am when I actually feel like being active. Oh lordy, I'd love to be active at 2am these days, but if the pool of men is exemplified by the super nice and mentally competant but utterly moveless beau contestant of Saturday's outing, well, the 2am workouts won't be the Bedspread Olympics I hope for. For now, maybe 2am will just be post nap bed time.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Ain't That Some Shit
Are you an eater??
I totally am.
Bored, angry, tired, extatic, celebrating, mourning, working, playing - no matter what, I'm either actually eating or thinking eating can fix it.
It's a learned thinking pattern, I get it, and therfore I think I can train myself to UNlearn it.
If you've ever tried to break a habit, you get it.
Here's the thing though - sometimes, when I am angry, tired, frustrated, apathetic, distractable, etc., eating actually DOES help.
Have you ever met a menstruating woman who hasn't eaten in 6 hours?? She is a bit off kilter with a hair trigger temper, but give her half a sandwich and maybe a chocolate square and she gains the ability to at least attempt to notice she is a whack job.
Imagine my surprise, after noticing everything I've put in my mouth since the new year (add your dirty joke here), to find I really had no interest in food yesterday. Sunday I was busy at the dog park and made a latte instead of a cup of coffee so I figured I was just full of milk calories to keep my normal afternoon hunger from hitting, Monday I ate good food whenever I got hungry all day, but yesterday I really had NO interest in food whatsoever. Like, it took me 90 minutes to have the breakfast I usually chow by the second stoplight of my drive in the morning, and lunch was opening 2 half sandwiches from the training room, stacking the meat side of one on the grilled veggie side of the other, and that tall half sandwich took me the ENTIRE afternoon to eat. Naturally I got hungry while on a machine at the gym, but when I didn't get a reply from Trainer Boy as to if continuing the workout would be better or worse, I just kept on going. And going, and going, and when I got tired but there were only 10 minutes left of the show I was watching, I just kept on going. 2 hours on a cardio machine (not sweating my tits off the whole time, but if you're just watching TV, walking is better than sitting, right? and when you get that incline up to 8.0, it will get that heart rate going just fine!), a protein shake I took half an hour to slup down, and STILL this morning I'm not giving a RIP about food!!!
So, here's what I'm thinking. I watched part of this show on National Geographic with this guy saying he can make you thin. The idea was to watch something that would put me to sleep, the PBS-like set looked like it might work. Turns out this guy was saying just what I told Trainer Boy a few weeks ago - eat when your hungry, eat what you want, but eat consciously, and stop when you're full. I HATE waiting for the alarm to go off to eat, I HATE feeling like I HAVE to finish the portion, I KNOW I'm not doing something right when I get hungry 45 minutes after lunch, but REFUSED to give in, thinking I needed to train my body to work with the schedule. After a month of binging and sneaking food and forgetting that I'm eating a chocolate bar, I decided to thank him for his advice and information, but it would only guide me in choosing more appropriate foods WHEN I get hungry, however many times a day that is, whatever time of day that is.
If these past few days are any indication, I might have to let go of my old standard "I've always been this size, went up a few sizes for a while there, but my body apparently likes the number 12 and is doing it's darndest to ensure all tags that hit it say 12 on them." If this isn't just the backlash of the PMS from HELL of 2.5 weeks of no control, happy hour filled, alcoholic lethargy, perhaps maybe I can really just respect myself enough to leave leftovers, enjoy bread when I feel the urge, and be in the gym because I WANT to be, instead of with an unreachable goal in mind.
Just wait, I've got some other desires bubbling up in me, I might try to satisfy them with a sundae or an appetizer sampler, but today is day two of pointedly noticing that I just couldn't care less if it's lunch time. For a life time eater like me, I'm looking at the half a wrap I'm done with saying "ain't that some shit!!!"
I totally am.
Bored, angry, tired, extatic, celebrating, mourning, working, playing - no matter what, I'm either actually eating or thinking eating can fix it.
It's a learned thinking pattern, I get it, and therfore I think I can train myself to UNlearn it.
If you've ever tried to break a habit, you get it.
Here's the thing though - sometimes, when I am angry, tired, frustrated, apathetic, distractable, etc., eating actually DOES help.
Have you ever met a menstruating woman who hasn't eaten in 6 hours?? She is a bit off kilter with a hair trigger temper, but give her half a sandwich and maybe a chocolate square and she gains the ability to at least attempt to notice she is a whack job.
Imagine my surprise, after noticing everything I've put in my mouth since the new year (add your dirty joke here), to find I really had no interest in food yesterday. Sunday I was busy at the dog park and made a latte instead of a cup of coffee so I figured I was just full of milk calories to keep my normal afternoon hunger from hitting, Monday I ate good food whenever I got hungry all day, but yesterday I really had NO interest in food whatsoever. Like, it took me 90 minutes to have the breakfast I usually chow by the second stoplight of my drive in the morning, and lunch was opening 2 half sandwiches from the training room, stacking the meat side of one on the grilled veggie side of the other, and that tall half sandwich took me the ENTIRE afternoon to eat. Naturally I got hungry while on a machine at the gym, but when I didn't get a reply from Trainer Boy as to if continuing the workout would be better or worse, I just kept on going. And going, and going, and when I got tired but there were only 10 minutes left of the show I was watching, I just kept on going. 2 hours on a cardio machine (not sweating my tits off the whole time, but if you're just watching TV, walking is better than sitting, right? and when you get that incline up to 8.0, it will get that heart rate going just fine!), a protein shake I took half an hour to slup down, and STILL this morning I'm not giving a RIP about food!!!
So, here's what I'm thinking. I watched part of this show on National Geographic with this guy saying he can make you thin. The idea was to watch something that would put me to sleep, the PBS-like set looked like it might work. Turns out this guy was saying just what I told Trainer Boy a few weeks ago - eat when your hungry, eat what you want, but eat consciously, and stop when you're full. I HATE waiting for the alarm to go off to eat, I HATE feeling like I HAVE to finish the portion, I KNOW I'm not doing something right when I get hungry 45 minutes after lunch, but REFUSED to give in, thinking I needed to train my body to work with the schedule. After a month of binging and sneaking food and forgetting that I'm eating a chocolate bar, I decided to thank him for his advice and information, but it would only guide me in choosing more appropriate foods WHEN I get hungry, however many times a day that is, whatever time of day that is.
If these past few days are any indication, I might have to let go of my old standard "I've always been this size, went up a few sizes for a while there, but my body apparently likes the number 12 and is doing it's darndest to ensure all tags that hit it say 12 on them." If this isn't just the backlash of the PMS from HELL of 2.5 weeks of no control, happy hour filled, alcoholic lethargy, perhaps maybe I can really just respect myself enough to leave leftovers, enjoy bread when I feel the urge, and be in the gym because I WANT to be, instead of with an unreachable goal in mind.
Just wait, I've got some other desires bubbling up in me, I might try to satisfy them with a sundae or an appetizer sampler, but today is day two of pointedly noticing that I just couldn't care less if it's lunch time. For a life time eater like me, I'm looking at the half a wrap I'm done with saying "ain't that some shit!!!"
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Happy Green Eggs and Ham Day
I'm hoping your day was as pleasant as mine. I have been doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, basically all day, and it's been great.
Sure, I went a little overboard at the gym yesterday and the knee I twisted 3 weeks ago and the tendon on the same leg I overstretched 2.5 weeks ago was acting up all day, but just because you can barely walk upstairs doesn't mean you have to have a crap day.
I didn't get any eggs, because my last 3 were added to the crate the roomies put into the egg holder and then used for the scramble they made 3 days ago (I know because the pan is there, next to the baking sheet they burned home made fries on Monday, which doesn't bug me as much as the peelings in the sink that have been there since Monday too - doesn't stink, I wash too many dishes over the pile of plates and cups on top of them), but I've learned how to make a family meal's worth of food while only clearing enough counter space for one plate, and had a delightful set of leftovers for every meal of the day, and I didn't repeat a meal ;)
I've been single handedly taking care of the dog since Friday, partially by my asking so he would quit texting me to take care of the fuzzbucket every 4 hours, but I still refuse to mop the hardwood floors of the paw prints.
I woke up at the same time as a work day, but only long enough to walk once around the house, take the dog for a piss, then decide I'm too tired for this BS and crawl back into bed, no matter how sunny it is out.
I thought I'd make it down to the shore today, maybe stroll along the boardwalk, but the day just didn't get there.
After all this, I stand firmly with my first statement. I had a loverly day. Yes, loverly, like in My Fair Lady, if you haven't seen it, Go. Now. It's. Fantastic. Yes. You. If you don't believe me, go ask your wife.
I was in bed and asleep when I felt like it last night, not when I was done driving around the neighborhood to avoid hearing the roomies fuck.
I woke up when I felt like it (after the morning dog run that is), not when the kid started playing basketball in the house or when someone burnt the toast or when they hollered that they would be leaving in 10 minutes and it's time to get some shoes on.
I ate when I wanted, not when they were done with their canoodle fest in front of the stove.
I made coffee when I wanted, not when they were done spraying the room with the espresso maker's foamer function and it was the flavor I wanted and it was the amount I wanted - not whatever I could get before they tossed it to make theirs.
I decided it was time to get outside, so I took the dog to the dog park. My Cesar Milan training kicked in, I made sure he knew I was his master, I made the rules, and then let him run free for almost two full hours before he walked right into the waiting entry/exit cage and waited patiently for me to grab his leash and take him home. Yes, I am that much of a dog person that someone else's dog that I didn't talk to the first 3 times he lived in my house is now my bitch. He follows me and listens to me and sleeps in my room. Bow if you must, applause suits me as well.
We came home, we had lunch, I texted back the roomie (3:30pm now, first contact) that the neighbor did not need to be sent over, that the dog and I were doing just fine thanks.
I watched TV at the volume I prefer, not whatever it has to be to be audible over the roar of whatever is going on downstairs, not to overpower the romp 2 rooms over, and it didn't have to be switched to a movie or CD so I could blast the surround sound system and listen to what I want to listen to.
Even when they came home, I took the dog out, I fed him, I made a cup of tea all while she was making him chicken soup because he got sick. We chatted, about the dog mostly, then I went upstairs and continued my laundry, the dog following right behind me the whole time.
Today felt triumphant. Like I have a life that I have some control over. That I don't have to be strictly reactionary. I have even reconsidered responding to the New Roomie website emails from possible new places to live. The commute would be shorter, the room would be bigger, the roomie would surely come with a new set of complaints. With a few good days under my belt, I'm looking out the window to the red buds of spring on every other tree and planning to see them bloom.
Don't get too excited, surely with the boss coming back tomorrow, month end around the corner, Spring Break for the roomie here and surely mornings where the gf's house works better for him and therefore I'm responsible for the morning dog duty as well as getting to work somewhat on time... well, let's just remember that I'm a damn nightmare of a self loathing apathetic snatch when Flo is due. All that candid description of my day could just have easily been one of the rants you've so come to expect, right? Turns out that all I need for a good day or 4 is some sunshine, some exercise, a cup of coffee in the morning and dinner when I'm hungry for it, and a good night's sleep. Honestly, from you, my trusted audience, do my requirements to wear a smile seem so high maintenance to you that I have to document the good days when I get them?
Sure, I went a little overboard at the gym yesterday and the knee I twisted 3 weeks ago and the tendon on the same leg I overstretched 2.5 weeks ago was acting up all day, but just because you can barely walk upstairs doesn't mean you have to have a crap day.
I didn't get any eggs, because my last 3 were added to the crate the roomies put into the egg holder and then used for the scramble they made 3 days ago (I know because the pan is there, next to the baking sheet they burned home made fries on Monday, which doesn't bug me as much as the peelings in the sink that have been there since Monday too - doesn't stink, I wash too many dishes over the pile of plates and cups on top of them), but I've learned how to make a family meal's worth of food while only clearing enough counter space for one plate, and had a delightful set of leftovers for every meal of the day, and I didn't repeat a meal ;)
I've been single handedly taking care of the dog since Friday, partially by my asking so he would quit texting me to take care of the fuzzbucket every 4 hours, but I still refuse to mop the hardwood floors of the paw prints.
I woke up at the same time as a work day, but only long enough to walk once around the house, take the dog for a piss, then decide I'm too tired for this BS and crawl back into bed, no matter how sunny it is out.
I thought I'd make it down to the shore today, maybe stroll along the boardwalk, but the day just didn't get there.
After all this, I stand firmly with my first statement. I had a loverly day. Yes, loverly, like in My Fair Lady, if you haven't seen it, Go. Now. It's. Fantastic. Yes. You. If you don't believe me, go ask your wife.
I was in bed and asleep when I felt like it last night, not when I was done driving around the neighborhood to avoid hearing the roomies fuck.
I woke up when I felt like it (after the morning dog run that is), not when the kid started playing basketball in the house or when someone burnt the toast or when they hollered that they would be leaving in 10 minutes and it's time to get some shoes on.
I ate when I wanted, not when they were done with their canoodle fest in front of the stove.
I made coffee when I wanted, not when they were done spraying the room with the espresso maker's foamer function and it was the flavor I wanted and it was the amount I wanted - not whatever I could get before they tossed it to make theirs.
I decided it was time to get outside, so I took the dog to the dog park. My Cesar Milan training kicked in, I made sure he knew I was his master, I made the rules, and then let him run free for almost two full hours before he walked right into the waiting entry/exit cage and waited patiently for me to grab his leash and take him home. Yes, I am that much of a dog person that someone else's dog that I didn't talk to the first 3 times he lived in my house is now my bitch. He follows me and listens to me and sleeps in my room. Bow if you must, applause suits me as well.
We came home, we had lunch, I texted back the roomie (3:30pm now, first contact) that the neighbor did not need to be sent over, that the dog and I were doing just fine thanks.
I watched TV at the volume I prefer, not whatever it has to be to be audible over the roar of whatever is going on downstairs, not to overpower the romp 2 rooms over, and it didn't have to be switched to a movie or CD so I could blast the surround sound system and listen to what I want to listen to.
Even when they came home, I took the dog out, I fed him, I made a cup of tea all while she was making him chicken soup because he got sick. We chatted, about the dog mostly, then I went upstairs and continued my laundry, the dog following right behind me the whole time.
Today felt triumphant. Like I have a life that I have some control over. That I don't have to be strictly reactionary. I have even reconsidered responding to the New Roomie website emails from possible new places to live. The commute would be shorter, the room would be bigger, the roomie would surely come with a new set of complaints. With a few good days under my belt, I'm looking out the window to the red buds of spring on every other tree and planning to see them bloom.
Don't get too excited, surely with the boss coming back tomorrow, month end around the corner, Spring Break for the roomie here and surely mornings where the gf's house works better for him and therefore I'm responsible for the morning dog duty as well as getting to work somewhat on time... well, let's just remember that I'm a damn nightmare of a self loathing apathetic snatch when Flo is due. All that candid description of my day could just have easily been one of the rants you've so come to expect, right? Turns out that all I need for a good day or 4 is some sunshine, some exercise, a cup of coffee in the morning and dinner when I'm hungry for it, and a good night's sleep. Honestly, from you, my trusted audience, do my requirements to wear a smile seem so high maintenance to you that I have to document the good days when I get them?
Friday, March 21, 2008
Good Friday?
On the calendar, sure, it's marked Good Friday.
It was set to be, and, I'll admit, I've got a bounce in my step and a bit of pink in my cheeks from all the smiling, and only lost by mental capacities once today, so all in all, a pretty Good Friday. Let's not forget both bosses were out of the office, there was no training to tempt me with junk food at the wrong times of the day, the sun was out, and I wore comfys to the office.
So, I'm going about my day, enjoying deleting emails and trying to remember that easy time consuming thing I was going to do for ME instead of the rest of THEM, and I hear that Alpha Dog's bf is coming over to pick her up, but he'll be early so he'll hang for a bit. I also get to meet her niece who she talks about ALL the time, and to all the time, so I'm excited to get faces to go with these people.
I hear them come in, I wave and smile at the 9 year old (as I part time live with the male version, I know not to expect a conversation, keeping eye contact was most impressive), then wave at her escort. And he is polite and meeting 2 of us for the first time and knows we talk about him all the time so he is on his very best behavior.
And I notice it.
Then it's really hard not to notice.
Then he's in a conversation with just me, so he comes over and chats with me on my side of the room.
Then he's telling me about this band playing next Friday that is so much fun and I should definitely come and meet his friend, and go ahead and get on Google and check them out, wait, let me see the mouse for a second, and the conversation keeps going but now the 9 year old can't here so the smiles get bigger and the phrases get grown up and I'm really enjoying having a conversation with someone who can actually keep up and I realize it.
He is the 8 years older and with brown eyes instead of blue Jersey version of Ojai.
And I can't look away.
I'm having a serious case of not just de ja vu but Flashback Friday and the buzz from having a genuine smile and all these memories and all these mixed emotions of half healed scars being scratched and it feels good but you know better than to pick at it.
A whole lot of stuff going on with this little broken heart of mine, so much so that the guy left the office about 2 hours ago now and the afternoon mix on the radio in the car and driving with the windows part way down and tossing the ball with the dog and making a salad for dinner hasn't forced the thought of Ojai from my mind. Naturally, I logged in and started talking about it.
Don't worry, I mostly came home to find the gym clothes and go walk it off. Nothing like physical exhaustion to keep this from being a sleepless night!
It's a sickness. I've known this guy ruined me, I'm still forced to realize that he crosses my mind WAY WAY WAY too much for someone I haven't even glimpsed driving down the freeway for over 6 months, and then I meet his DUPLICATE COPY 2800 miles away??? Is it really possible that when they say a girl has one guy she will always take a phone call from, that she must think about him often enough to be prepared for his call if it ever does come?
On the other hand, I sparked with this character just like I did with Ojai. Quick conversation, easy transitions, big smiles the whole time, and, he picked up his phone right there in the office to invite his friend to this band next week. I even got the wink and nod that I was alright when he left.
I'm excited to go, I'm glad to maybe take part in some of the fun stuff Alpha Dog keeps reporting, and the worst that could happen is I get a night out at a bar with a band and a couple of people who keep asking me which guy I want to sit next to.
I told her I was having a flashback because I knew a guy who was JUST like him, she said "that's because we both have good taste!" Hopefully I'll just get to know a little more about this guy and he will stop being Ojai. It worked with Russell Crowe movies - couldn't watch them for a long time, the resemblance was too great, but eventually I got lost in the character instead of the memories and I can now enjoy the flicks, for the most part, depending on if I've been drinking and if I've had a good day or not.
Whatever, it's Good Friday and I was having a splendid Friday and I earned this guys approval in 10 minutes to be set up with his friend and I'm going to be just fine with that, regardless of WHY I was so friendly.
I've been watching a lot of Sex and the City lately, it's on about my bedtime, I keep on with the "here is a never going to be answered question to nag at you for the rest of your life, how do you like it?" question to everything - might have to find some other channel to set the sleep timer to tonight ;)
It was set to be, and, I'll admit, I've got a bounce in my step and a bit of pink in my cheeks from all the smiling, and only lost by mental capacities once today, so all in all, a pretty Good Friday. Let's not forget both bosses were out of the office, there was no training to tempt me with junk food at the wrong times of the day, the sun was out, and I wore comfys to the office.
So, I'm going about my day, enjoying deleting emails and trying to remember that easy time consuming thing I was going to do for ME instead of the rest of THEM, and I hear that Alpha Dog's bf is coming over to pick her up, but he'll be early so he'll hang for a bit. I also get to meet her niece who she talks about ALL the time, and to all the time, so I'm excited to get faces to go with these people.
I hear them come in, I wave and smile at the 9 year old (as I part time live with the male version, I know not to expect a conversation, keeping eye contact was most impressive), then wave at her escort. And he is polite and meeting 2 of us for the first time and knows we talk about him all the time so he is on his very best behavior.
And I notice it.
Then it's really hard not to notice.
Then he's in a conversation with just me, so he comes over and chats with me on my side of the room.
Then he's telling me about this band playing next Friday that is so much fun and I should definitely come and meet his friend, and go ahead and get on Google and check them out, wait, let me see the mouse for a second, and the conversation keeps going but now the 9 year old can't here so the smiles get bigger and the phrases get grown up and I'm really enjoying having a conversation with someone who can actually keep up and I realize it.
He is the 8 years older and with brown eyes instead of blue Jersey version of Ojai.
And I can't look away.
I'm having a serious case of not just de ja vu but Flashback Friday and the buzz from having a genuine smile and all these memories and all these mixed emotions of half healed scars being scratched and it feels good but you know better than to pick at it.
A whole lot of stuff going on with this little broken heart of mine, so much so that the guy left the office about 2 hours ago now and the afternoon mix on the radio in the car and driving with the windows part way down and tossing the ball with the dog and making a salad for dinner hasn't forced the thought of Ojai from my mind. Naturally, I logged in and started talking about it.
Don't worry, I mostly came home to find the gym clothes and go walk it off. Nothing like physical exhaustion to keep this from being a sleepless night!
It's a sickness. I've known this guy ruined me, I'm still forced to realize that he crosses my mind WAY WAY WAY too much for someone I haven't even glimpsed driving down the freeway for over 6 months, and then I meet his DUPLICATE COPY 2800 miles away??? Is it really possible that when they say a girl has one guy she will always take a phone call from, that she must think about him often enough to be prepared for his call if it ever does come?
On the other hand, I sparked with this character just like I did with Ojai. Quick conversation, easy transitions, big smiles the whole time, and, he picked up his phone right there in the office to invite his friend to this band next week. I even got the wink and nod that I was alright when he left.
I'm excited to go, I'm glad to maybe take part in some of the fun stuff Alpha Dog keeps reporting, and the worst that could happen is I get a night out at a bar with a band and a couple of people who keep asking me which guy I want to sit next to.
I told her I was having a flashback because I knew a guy who was JUST like him, she said "that's because we both have good taste!" Hopefully I'll just get to know a little more about this guy and he will stop being Ojai. It worked with Russell Crowe movies - couldn't watch them for a long time, the resemblance was too great, but eventually I got lost in the character instead of the memories and I can now enjoy the flicks, for the most part, depending on if I've been drinking and if I've had a good day or not.
Whatever, it's Good Friday and I was having a splendid Friday and I earned this guys approval in 10 minutes to be set up with his friend and I'm going to be just fine with that, regardless of WHY I was so friendly.
I've been watching a lot of Sex and the City lately, it's on about my bedtime, I keep on with the "here is a never going to be answered question to nag at you for the rest of your life, how do you like it?" question to everything - might have to find some other channel to set the sleep timer to tonight ;)
Monday, March 17, 2008
17 days??
So. Fing. Much has happened, and I haven't posted in 17 days????
alright, nothing really life changing.
except, if you're so inclined, check out the time stamp on this Monday night post. If you've been paying attention, you'll know that being downstairs at the "I have a bed in the room and a new computer downstairs, this place sounds like it will fit all your needs" house at this hour is pretty much unheard of. If I do have the house to myself, it's far too cold to sit and post (this assumes you know I didn't make it to the gym tonight, and I'm not working off the residual heat which some of you have earned late night emails in the wake of).
My dad sent me a computer. And an MP4 player. For free. I've been hearing all kinds of questions about my life and hearing all kinds of heart thoughts from his end, but, I saved about a thousand bucks, and as that is my Emergency Fund, well, I'd lived without the computer in my room this long...
So, if all goes to plan, I'll be venting my BS here a lot more often very very soon.
17 days of neglect is no way to treat a blog.
Oh, and you guys too, I need to chat with you more, I'm becoming overly clingy to the booty call and unnecessarily chatty with the trainer. Certainly email friends are a healthier way to go, no? ;)
alright, nothing really life changing.
except, if you're so inclined, check out the time stamp on this Monday night post. If you've been paying attention, you'll know that being downstairs at the "I have a bed in the room and a new computer downstairs, this place sounds like it will fit all your needs" house at this hour is pretty much unheard of. If I do have the house to myself, it's far too cold to sit and post (this assumes you know I didn't make it to the gym tonight, and I'm not working off the residual heat which some of you have earned late night emails in the wake of).
My dad sent me a computer. And an MP4 player. For free. I've been hearing all kinds of questions about my life and hearing all kinds of heart thoughts from his end, but, I saved about a thousand bucks, and as that is my Emergency Fund, well, I'd lived without the computer in my room this long...
So, if all goes to plan, I'll be venting my BS here a lot more often very very soon.
17 days of neglect is no way to treat a blog.
Oh, and you guys too, I need to chat with you more, I'm becoming overly clingy to the booty call and unnecessarily chatty with the trainer. Certainly email friends are a healthier way to go, no? ;)
Friday, February 29, 2008
Is A Leap Year All I Need?
Its still in shock mode how good this day has been, that is how well the cosmos aligned to hand me a reminder of what I am striving to find in life.
And most of it was just little stuff that could happen every day but doesn't, but it all did today, and that made the little bad things that could happen every day and do just fade into the shadows.
As much as I bitch and moan here, I really am easy to please!! It's when I fall in the middle of good and bad that makes me question everything... and now I have a checklist of things that might make me flip to the good more often. Wanna see it?? I KNEW you would!!!
I got to work before the bosses. I got my first project done before the last minute of the deadline. I made a good cup of coffee. I ate all my meals on time, and didn't fall for the "I'm going out, does anyone want anything?" trap of eating off my plan (timewise or food wise). The office was in an upbeat mood all day, especially with the Month End Hover of the boss, this is a Very Big Deal. I got the bathroom to myself so I didn't have to make idle chit chat with people I see but never ask the names of as I wiped my ass. My hair stayed out of my face and my outfit kept me perfectly temperate through the day. I had my gym clothes in my car and knew I would be walking off my energy at the end of the day. The sky was blue, all day. I got to chat with my friends about fun stuff, with lots of !!! and Oh.My.God.No.F'n.WAY's and =)=) involved.
Alright, there was some big stuff too that made all these little things just a platform for wanting to date stamp everything on my desk with LEAP YEAR. Like, dad confirmed that he is sending me a computer and an MP4 player to strike down my need to buy a laptop or iPod to replace my dead computer and dying iRockr phone. He ordered the music box and when that comes in he's tossing it in the box with a desktop (you remember, the flat ones that actually belong on a desk?) and sending it across the country for me. Turns out having a sister on the skids doesn't have to be all bad ;)
And then, I was set to meet a trainer at the gym tonight, another new guy, and while I'm in the parking lot checking my bag for a water bottle and wishing I didn't have to have the New Trainer How Are You What Are Your Fitness Goals conversation again (5th time in 2 months, and I'll still eat a whole tray of brownies if you leave me in a room with them), my phone rings. I answer with "I was just thinking of you, right this second, wishing my phone could text so I wouldn't bug you while you're working, and you called me. Hi, what's up?!?" Long story short, he's coming back to my gym, working part time, and he gets to book his own clients, and since no one called me to tell me my 7:30pm went AWOL and bailed (funny enough, as I'm typing this duche calls, 10:20pm, apologizing at the end but starting a conversation with "who is this? did you have an appointment with a trainer next week?" I said "you called me, so you know who this is, our appointment was set for 3 hours ago, and MY trainer is coming back, got to work out the details of our schedules when you and I were set to work out, but thanks for the call, maybe if MY MAN and I can't work out something I'll let your manager know I'm available to be scheduled. Good night."), well, I guess I finished my sentance in my parenthetical tangent.
So, there we have it. A recipe for a Happy Sassy. OH - and I have options for plans this weekend!!! MOT, did you read that??? Apparently, St. Patrick's Day is such a big deal on the east coast they make a MONTH out of it. (I don't know why I'm cap happy tonight, but my eyes are bugging out with emphasis when I say it just like yours are when you read it, so bear with the excitement and be ready for the jump-up-and-down-squealing-giggle-dance in a minute.) We've had the March deadline calendars prepped for a week now, but I don't have a place to put it since I'm still using February, so that little green shamrock holding stuck mid jig dude has been starting at me from the front of my desktop folder holder and it's been making me want to drink, I won't lie. Bender style, none of this wine with dinner bullshit. Add to that the lack of carbs anytime after, say, 3pm, and I'm ready to beerbong come 10pm, just for the sugar. Yes, the trainer heard about it, we are reconveining at 4pm tomorrow to work out how to keep me from nightly debauchery imposed by healthy eating patterns.
So, right, St. Patty's. Ok, so Hoboken is the first to go, I guess the cities take turns so everyone can go to every party and everyone makes money on the green beer. So, Hoboken is a lot like my college town; bar, bar, bar and grill, restaurant that turns into a nightclub, bar, parking garage, bar, bar, all night pizza, bar... you get the idea, and on the backside of this street is where everyone lives, except instead of plantation houses converted into frat houses there are Brownstones. mmmmmmm, delish is all I can think of when I let my merriment carry me there. So, you can tell I've been there and I know exactly how to get to the train station and I've traveled up at least 10 blocks and can even tell you which sushi restaurant is byob. That they are hosting the first in a series of drinking holidays, and it's in Hoboken!?!?!?!? Shut. Up. THAT'S WHAT I SAID!!! This knowledge helped me save my $10 on take out lunch and save up for drinking.
Yes, I'm set to see the trainer at 4pm and talk about not drinking. Life is for living, if you can't indulge on the holidays, what's the point? (yes, it's confusing in my head too, it's not just you or how I talk about it, I'm actually completely 2 different people in here, wanting 2 opposite things, sharing air time. It's me that's nuts, I know it, glad you're keeping up).
To boot, my coworker invited me to a parade in one of the shore towns, adding on "and then it's just a lot of bars and my body builder boyfriend's single friends, would love to have you take some of them off my hands!!" How can you pass on an invite like that???
And there we have the ingredients to the Sassy Smiles cocktail. Little things going right with no shattering of dreams or composing herself after disappiontment, topped of with self confidence and with a twist of socializing. So it's the day we catch up the 1/4 of a day we couldn't spread over the last four years...
Cheers
to dismissing the fears
that this good day
is another 4 years away!
And most of it was just little stuff that could happen every day but doesn't, but it all did today, and that made the little bad things that could happen every day and do just fade into the shadows.
As much as I bitch and moan here, I really am easy to please!! It's when I fall in the middle of good and bad that makes me question everything... and now I have a checklist of things that might make me flip to the good more often. Wanna see it?? I KNEW you would!!!
I got to work before the bosses. I got my first project done before the last minute of the deadline. I made a good cup of coffee. I ate all my meals on time, and didn't fall for the "I'm going out, does anyone want anything?" trap of eating off my plan (timewise or food wise). The office was in an upbeat mood all day, especially with the Month End Hover of the boss, this is a Very Big Deal. I got the bathroom to myself so I didn't have to make idle chit chat with people I see but never ask the names of as I wiped my ass. My hair stayed out of my face and my outfit kept me perfectly temperate through the day. I had my gym clothes in my car and knew I would be walking off my energy at the end of the day. The sky was blue, all day. I got to chat with my friends about fun stuff, with lots of !!! and Oh.My.God.No.F'n.WAY's and =)=) involved.
Alright, there was some big stuff too that made all these little things just a platform for wanting to date stamp everything on my desk with LEAP YEAR. Like, dad confirmed that he is sending me a computer and an MP4 player to strike down my need to buy a laptop or iPod to replace my dead computer and dying iRockr phone. He ordered the music box and when that comes in he's tossing it in the box with a desktop (you remember, the flat ones that actually belong on a desk?) and sending it across the country for me. Turns out having a sister on the skids doesn't have to be all bad ;)
And then, I was set to meet a trainer at the gym tonight, another new guy, and while I'm in the parking lot checking my bag for a water bottle and wishing I didn't have to have the New Trainer How Are You What Are Your Fitness Goals conversation again (5th time in 2 months, and I'll still eat a whole tray of brownies if you leave me in a room with them), my phone rings. I answer with "I was just thinking of you, right this second, wishing my phone could text so I wouldn't bug you while you're working, and you called me. Hi, what's up?!?" Long story short, he's coming back to my gym, working part time, and he gets to book his own clients, and since no one called me to tell me my 7:30pm went AWOL and bailed (funny enough, as I'm typing this duche calls, 10:20pm, apologizing at the end but starting a conversation with "who is this? did you have an appointment with a trainer next week?" I said "you called me, so you know who this is, our appointment was set for 3 hours ago, and MY trainer is coming back, got to work out the details of our schedules when you and I were set to work out, but thanks for the call, maybe if MY MAN and I can't work out something I'll let your manager know I'm available to be scheduled. Good night."), well, I guess I finished my sentance in my parenthetical tangent.
So, there we have it. A recipe for a Happy Sassy. OH - and I have options for plans this weekend!!! MOT, did you read that??? Apparently, St. Patrick's Day is such a big deal on the east coast they make a MONTH out of it. (I don't know why I'm cap happy tonight, but my eyes are bugging out with emphasis when I say it just like yours are when you read it, so bear with the excitement and be ready for the jump-up-and-down-squealing-giggle-dance in a minute.) We've had the March deadline calendars prepped for a week now, but I don't have a place to put it since I'm still using February, so that little green shamrock holding stuck mid jig dude has been starting at me from the front of my desktop folder holder and it's been making me want to drink, I won't lie. Bender style, none of this wine with dinner bullshit. Add to that the lack of carbs anytime after, say, 3pm, and I'm ready to beerbong come 10pm, just for the sugar. Yes, the trainer heard about it, we are reconveining at 4pm tomorrow to work out how to keep me from nightly debauchery imposed by healthy eating patterns.
So, right, St. Patty's. Ok, so Hoboken is the first to go, I guess the cities take turns so everyone can go to every party and everyone makes money on the green beer. So, Hoboken is a lot like my college town; bar, bar, bar and grill, restaurant that turns into a nightclub, bar, parking garage, bar, bar, all night pizza, bar... you get the idea, and on the backside of this street is where everyone lives, except instead of plantation houses converted into frat houses there are Brownstones. mmmmmmm, delish is all I can think of when I let my merriment carry me there. So, you can tell I've been there and I know exactly how to get to the train station and I've traveled up at least 10 blocks and can even tell you which sushi restaurant is byob. That they are hosting the first in a series of drinking holidays, and it's in Hoboken!?!?!?!? Shut. Up. THAT'S WHAT I SAID!!! This knowledge helped me save my $10 on take out lunch and save up for drinking.
Yes, I'm set to see the trainer at 4pm and talk about not drinking. Life is for living, if you can't indulge on the holidays, what's the point? (yes, it's confusing in my head too, it's not just you or how I talk about it, I'm actually completely 2 different people in here, wanting 2 opposite things, sharing air time. It's me that's nuts, I know it, glad you're keeping up).
To boot, my coworker invited me to a parade in one of the shore towns, adding on "and then it's just a lot of bars and my body builder boyfriend's single friends, would love to have you take some of them off my hands!!" How can you pass on an invite like that???
And there we have the ingredients to the Sassy Smiles cocktail. Little things going right with no shattering of dreams or composing herself after disappiontment, topped of with self confidence and with a twist of socializing. So it's the day we catch up the 1/4 of a day we couldn't spread over the last four years...
Cheers
to dismissing the fears
that this good day
is another 4 years away!
Monday, February 25, 2008
Too Poetic Not To Share
Another email to a friend that I just have to post:
I was a very good girl tonight.
I went to the new gym to meet the new guy for the second time, was not deterred by the slightly still sore enough to notice knee or that I didn't have any socks in my gym bag or that I sliced the ever liven out of the side of my thumb searching for spare socks under my car seat. I marched myself right into the gym, cleaned up the blood splatters on the cuff of my shirt, wrapped it in a paper towel, and went down to meet my guy. The front desk chick looked confused. "Did you have an appointment? Did he call you??"
Life happens I suppose, but knowing that the precident was to call everyone in his appointment book and tell them he has a funeral to go to, and knowing I gave him my number and he put it next to my name in the book, well, I'm hoping he flipped to the wrong page and I'm set for next week because it's starting to get offensive.
As I'd had it set to walk off some energy tonight, I went home for a bandaid and some suitable socks, changed my coat for my gym sweatshirt, and headed to my other gym. I expected a wait for a machine, but I also wanted to catch the eye of the trainers to see what miscommunication I can rectify so that I get someone to work out with again. Happily, I caught the eye of a girl just getting off a machine and hopped on without a glance to any strays lingering in hopes of such a marvelous feat of using what they pay for =)
30 minutes later I could feel the peering of watchful eyes and removed myself and my sore knee from harms way and found a quiet corner to stretch in.
Noticing the clock, I maneuvered my way to the rows of desks, finally ending up at the front desk asking for My Head Gymrat. A very chipper conversation with the dude and his flippy hair tells me that privacy of phone numbers means nothing, leaving on time is a rarity, and that I was SOL for getting someone to pull up a schedule and fit me in, though the gym was filled to 85% capacity when I asked, not one of those people could be of service to me.
Alright, I can take a hint, and I decided that since I'd be icing my knee for good measure when I came home anyway, I wouldn't wait in line for a treadmill with the guy who just irrately berated my Mr. Flippy Do for not having staff monitoring the 20minute rule of Too Many Customers Need Cardio Machines Time Limit.
So, I get in the car, turned up the be-bop-ish tune on the radio, and end up in a much more sour mood by the end of the 15 minute commute. "Never fear, food is near!" I tell myself, and don't even take off my shoes as I poured myself some salad and sliced half a chicken breast to top it.
It had hit me as I passed a little haunt up the street. I'd thought about it as I passed by the 3 pizza joints on the way home. I didn't flinch at the left hand turn lane like I sometimes do, but I nearly turned around 3 blocks later for it. I'm convinced my closest spot is the worst to go to, but now, the desire is quite heavy and I may make due. It's the craving for a beer. Not the alcohol buzz, not something cool to drink, not the foul breath afterward... I've tried convincing myself it's because I got too hungry with all the running around and then a more-strenuous-than-expected cardio run, but even as I sit with my protein and my huge pile of salad I want more to eat. Maybe it's the bubbles I want, to quiet the sour-all-day stomach that I'm afraid I might have to blame on the water. Perhaps it's just the habit of having a stressful day and consoling it with a familiar taste. Or, maybe I'm just that hungry and dehydrated so liquid with calories is just the ticket I'm looking for to board the train to silenced harrassments and easy dreams.
Whatever it is, this is the plight of the just a little too fat. It's these choices, I fear, the ones that are so little but daily, the difference between one beer with dinner or not, that are going to make or break my ability to take on this challenge and win it. As any clever temptress, however, these cravings hit me when I'm weak of mind and spirit, gripping me hard and relentlessly holding tight to at least part of my consciousness as I try to move through the motions of finding anything to do besides stuffing my face. Are these signs of a Foodie, and Alcoholic, or someone who's just hungry and worn out?
I was a very good girl tonight.
I went to the new gym to meet the new guy for the second time, was not deterred by the slightly still sore enough to notice knee or that I didn't have any socks in my gym bag or that I sliced the ever liven out of the side of my thumb searching for spare socks under my car seat. I marched myself right into the gym, cleaned up the blood splatters on the cuff of my shirt, wrapped it in a paper towel, and went down to meet my guy. The front desk chick looked confused. "Did you have an appointment? Did he call you??"
Life happens I suppose, but knowing that the precident was to call everyone in his appointment book and tell them he has a funeral to go to, and knowing I gave him my number and he put it next to my name in the book, well, I'm hoping he flipped to the wrong page and I'm set for next week because it's starting to get offensive.
As I'd had it set to walk off some energy tonight, I went home for a bandaid and some suitable socks, changed my coat for my gym sweatshirt, and headed to my other gym. I expected a wait for a machine, but I also wanted to catch the eye of the trainers to see what miscommunication I can rectify so that I get someone to work out with again. Happily, I caught the eye of a girl just getting off a machine and hopped on without a glance to any strays lingering in hopes of such a marvelous feat of using what they pay for =)
30 minutes later I could feel the peering of watchful eyes and removed myself and my sore knee from harms way and found a quiet corner to stretch in.
Noticing the clock, I maneuvered my way to the rows of desks, finally ending up at the front desk asking for My Head Gymrat. A very chipper conversation with the dude and his flippy hair tells me that privacy of phone numbers means nothing, leaving on time is a rarity, and that I was SOL for getting someone to pull up a schedule and fit me in, though the gym was filled to 85% capacity when I asked, not one of those people could be of service to me.
Alright, I can take a hint, and I decided that since I'd be icing my knee for good measure when I came home anyway, I wouldn't wait in line for a treadmill with the guy who just irrately berated my Mr. Flippy Do for not having staff monitoring the 20minute rule of Too Many Customers Need Cardio Machines Time Limit.
So, I get in the car, turned up the be-bop-ish tune on the radio, and end up in a much more sour mood by the end of the 15 minute commute. "Never fear, food is near!" I tell myself, and don't even take off my shoes as I poured myself some salad and sliced half a chicken breast to top it.
It had hit me as I passed a little haunt up the street. I'd thought about it as I passed by the 3 pizza joints on the way home. I didn't flinch at the left hand turn lane like I sometimes do, but I nearly turned around 3 blocks later for it. I'm convinced my closest spot is the worst to go to, but now, the desire is quite heavy and I may make due. It's the craving for a beer. Not the alcohol buzz, not something cool to drink, not the foul breath afterward... I've tried convincing myself it's because I got too hungry with all the running around and then a more-strenuous-than-expected cardio run, but even as I sit with my protein and my huge pile of salad I want more to eat. Maybe it's the bubbles I want, to quiet the sour-all-day stomach that I'm afraid I might have to blame on the water. Perhaps it's just the habit of having a stressful day and consoling it with a familiar taste. Or, maybe I'm just that hungry and dehydrated so liquid with calories is just the ticket I'm looking for to board the train to silenced harrassments and easy dreams.
Whatever it is, this is the plight of the just a little too fat. It's these choices, I fear, the ones that are so little but daily, the difference between one beer with dinner or not, that are going to make or break my ability to take on this challenge and win it. As any clever temptress, however, these cravings hit me when I'm weak of mind and spirit, gripping me hard and relentlessly holding tight to at least part of my consciousness as I try to move through the motions of finding anything to do besides stuffing my face. Are these signs of a Foodie, and Alcoholic, or someone who's just hungry and worn out?
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Snow Day
We had about 7" of snow yesterday.
I was very late to work, but mostly because I didn't wake up until the time I usually leave the house, to a phone call from a coworker saying the boss told us to take our time, so I showered and everything before the oh so beautiful trek at 30mph.
I saw some things I've never seen, cars broken in ways that still confuse me, enjoyed learning what I can and can not do to a snow pile between lanes in my Altima, and overall was really laid back about the whole thing.
My coworkers on the other hand, 2 of the four that made it into our office, were carrying on like we would be snowed in and stuck at the office for the weekend with no food or water or electricity if we didn't get out of there ASAP. As the rain started and the slush melted and the weather reports said the refreeze would happen later and later in the day, I wondered what exactly the normal Friday work day was keeping this one from. Sure, she lives a bit north, but honestly, if you made it in by following a snow plow, sit down and shut up and deal, no?
I guess in an environment that thrives only when complaining, I shall only be remiss that through all this whimpering that this one fax they were waiting on to come through wasn't they did all of Friday's duties and caught up on what they didn't get to on Thursday AND set them selves up for Monday and still managed to leave the office at 2pm.
If only we worked that hard every day...
So I left just after the 3pm closing time with my new best friend/coworker/lunch buddy/social life. We spend nearly every lunch break together, then end up at a Happy Hour once or 3 times a week, and she is the only reason I've tried any of the local restaurants or ventured into NYC since moving here. So after we went to a movie, hung out in the mall, had a cocktail and some dinner and a soul searching conversation, we went to one more store to search for work slacks and officially get kicked out for closing time. As we manhandled the merchandise I said "so, I am making Jersey think we are dating." Her response? "Fabulous; if the people at work seem to be looking at us funny it's because I'm telling them we are dating too."
Um, ok. Me telling a guy who isn't making time for me anymore that he has been replaced as my Official Welcome To Jersey concierge by my cute little giggly coworker just because I'm a tease is one thing; her asking all of us for the cutie young man on the sales floor and getting compliments emailed to her from a guy on the other side of the sales floor and passing around the notion that we always get coffee together because we are together??? Is that the same?
I've been in situations before where I went along with one idea in my head only to get blindsided with contradictory information from the other party that ended in us ending, but as we also talked last night about how she only keeps a job for 6 months and I have a knack for killing a relationship at or before the6 month mark, does it really matter if I can't tell if this is what girls do when they are new friends or if we are dating without rounding any bases?
Whatever puts a smile on my face these days, huh??
The last thing weighing on my mind as the dog my roomie is babysitting paces around the arm chair trying to retrieve his tennis ball and I weigh the desire to shower against his need to just run in the snow covered courtyard until he passes out is my priority list. It will get some official name soon, as it is becoming a character in my existence these days. The trick is, I decided I wanted a laptop instead of fixing my old old old hand me down desktop. So I saved up for it, and decided to wait one more paycheck to buy it just because I knew I'd go apeshit with the grocery shopping and hate getting within $100 of the red in my account. The same day, my phone starts dying - it freezes when I send a text to the point of having to take the battery out to reset it. As I take it to my phone dudes to see what I can do or what options I have in replacing it, I find out that I am no longer under contract and am free to leave the company or get all the "new customer" bonuses and I can get a local number without penalty. Without getting into any of the drama about how having my sister on the family plan under my name is throwing a wrench in things, I will say that I was in that store for maybe 90 minutes, 60 of which were at the iPhone station. And as I thought about what my current phone can do, and what I'll be expecting of my laptop, and how excited I was the last time I got the cutting edge pocket sized technology, well, it's making it hard to drop money on any of the big things this week. So I told my sister about how upset I was that I'd finally made a decision to spend a wad of cash on a computer and now need a phone and kinda want one as cool as the one I've had, and she relayed this to my dad who owns a computer shop who emailed me with "um, you can ask Dad to be a Dad sometimes" so I gave him the specs of the system I was looking at and I think he might get me the laptop or at least pay for half. And, in hopes of finding some specs on a phone that wouldn't cost me as much as my rent, I went online to my company's site and found about 10 phones they will give me for free!!! nothing quite as cool as what I have now or the iPhone obviously, but anything that gets me textable again (without having to dump all my savings into this unexpected expense), well, the iPhone will still be there and I won't blow my wad thinking Dad will come through and hate myself for waiting on him if he doesn't. All the while, the weekends I spent apartment hunting and condo browsing and furniture shopping linger in my Priority List, and the temptation of going on a vacation ever again sits like a cloud over my bank account as well...
So, that's what's on my mind this week - whiny grown women I work with, the possibility that I've entered into a lesbian relationship without deciding to, and how to spend money wisely enough to make me happy now and in the future. All in all, pretty typical I guess, except I'm not sleeping well and when I decide to be a good girl with what I eat I become the dim witted uncoordinated shell of a person the waif models epitomize, but without the charm of having the photogenic body of an underwear model. If I were seeing gains in that direction, surely loosing all of my vocabulary mid sentence and not being able to remember what I’m working on or how I was accomplishing it would be a trite inconvenience, but as it stands, I don’t know if my mood swings have lessoned because I’m eating right or if I just don’t have the energy!
I was very late to work, but mostly because I didn't wake up until the time I usually leave the house, to a phone call from a coworker saying the boss told us to take our time, so I showered and everything before the oh so beautiful trek at 30mph.
I saw some things I've never seen, cars broken in ways that still confuse me, enjoyed learning what I can and can not do to a snow pile between lanes in my Altima, and overall was really laid back about the whole thing.
My coworkers on the other hand, 2 of the four that made it into our office, were carrying on like we would be snowed in and stuck at the office for the weekend with no food or water or electricity if we didn't get out of there ASAP. As the rain started and the slush melted and the weather reports said the refreeze would happen later and later in the day, I wondered what exactly the normal Friday work day was keeping this one from. Sure, she lives a bit north, but honestly, if you made it in by following a snow plow, sit down and shut up and deal, no?
I guess in an environment that thrives only when complaining, I shall only be remiss that through all this whimpering that this one fax they were waiting on to come through wasn't they did all of Friday's duties and caught up on what they didn't get to on Thursday AND set them selves up for Monday and still managed to leave the office at 2pm.
If only we worked that hard every day...
So I left just after the 3pm closing time with my new best friend/coworker/lunch buddy/social life. We spend nearly every lunch break together, then end up at a Happy Hour once or 3 times a week, and she is the only reason I've tried any of the local restaurants or ventured into NYC since moving here. So after we went to a movie, hung out in the mall, had a cocktail and some dinner and a soul searching conversation, we went to one more store to search for work slacks and officially get kicked out for closing time. As we manhandled the merchandise I said "so, I am making Jersey think we are dating." Her response? "Fabulous; if the people at work seem to be looking at us funny it's because I'm telling them we are dating too."
Um, ok. Me telling a guy who isn't making time for me anymore that he has been replaced as my Official Welcome To Jersey concierge by my cute little giggly coworker just because I'm a tease is one thing; her asking all of us for the cutie young man on the sales floor and getting compliments emailed to her from a guy on the other side of the sales floor and passing around the notion that we always get coffee together because we are together??? Is that the same?
I've been in situations before where I went along with one idea in my head only to get blindsided with contradictory information from the other party that ended in us ending, but as we also talked last night about how she only keeps a job for 6 months and I have a knack for killing a relationship at or before the6 month mark, does it really matter if I can't tell if this is what girls do when they are new friends or if we are dating without rounding any bases?
Whatever puts a smile on my face these days, huh??
The last thing weighing on my mind as the dog my roomie is babysitting paces around the arm chair trying to retrieve his tennis ball and I weigh the desire to shower against his need to just run in the snow covered courtyard until he passes out is my priority list. It will get some official name soon, as it is becoming a character in my existence these days. The trick is, I decided I wanted a laptop instead of fixing my old old old hand me down desktop. So I saved up for it, and decided to wait one more paycheck to buy it just because I knew I'd go apeshit with the grocery shopping and hate getting within $100 of the red in my account. The same day, my phone starts dying - it freezes when I send a text to the point of having to take the battery out to reset it. As I take it to my phone dudes to see what I can do or what options I have in replacing it, I find out that I am no longer under contract and am free to leave the company or get all the "new customer" bonuses and I can get a local number without penalty. Without getting into any of the drama about how having my sister on the family plan under my name is throwing a wrench in things, I will say that I was in that store for maybe 90 minutes, 60 of which were at the iPhone station. And as I thought about what my current phone can do, and what I'll be expecting of my laptop, and how excited I was the last time I got the cutting edge pocket sized technology, well, it's making it hard to drop money on any of the big things this week. So I told my sister about how upset I was that I'd finally made a decision to spend a wad of cash on a computer and now need a phone and kinda want one as cool as the one I've had, and she relayed this to my dad who owns a computer shop who emailed me with "um, you can ask Dad to be a Dad sometimes" so I gave him the specs of the system I was looking at and I think he might get me the laptop or at least pay for half. And, in hopes of finding some specs on a phone that wouldn't cost me as much as my rent, I went online to my company's site and found about 10 phones they will give me for free!!! nothing quite as cool as what I have now or the iPhone obviously, but anything that gets me textable again (without having to dump all my savings into this unexpected expense), well, the iPhone will still be there and I won't blow my wad thinking Dad will come through and hate myself for waiting on him if he doesn't. All the while, the weekends I spent apartment hunting and condo browsing and furniture shopping linger in my Priority List, and the temptation of going on a vacation ever again sits like a cloud over my bank account as well...
So, that's what's on my mind this week - whiny grown women I work with, the possibility that I've entered into a lesbian relationship without deciding to, and how to spend money wisely enough to make me happy now and in the future. All in all, pretty typical I guess, except I'm not sleeping well and when I decide to be a good girl with what I eat I become the dim witted uncoordinated shell of a person the waif models epitomize, but without the charm of having the photogenic body of an underwear model. If I were seeing gains in that direction, surely loosing all of my vocabulary mid sentence and not being able to remember what I’m working on or how I was accomplishing it would be a trite inconvenience, but as it stands, I don’t know if my mood swings have lessoned because I’m eating right or if I just don’t have the energy!
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Heart Thoughts
As I sit at my desk, I have a pile of cash sitting next to me.
I was in charge of collecting our donations for the Wear Red For Women Day sponsored by the American Heart Association. This is especially noteable because yesterday one of our newest hires was taken away by ambulance with chest pains, and before it was lunch break he was in surgery having stints implanted in his arteries.
As the day progressed, I looked around at my coworkers who were stuck on the fact that it was his 51st birthday and this is how he was spending it.
I eventually blurted out "think of it this way - we are all sitting here having a normal work day and he had his chest ripped open instead of enjoying his new job. On any given day, wouldn't that be just an awful way to look back at you're morning? Maybe we ought to take this as a lesson to stop asking if we can have gravy with that Fat Bitch Breakfast Sandwich we crave 3 days a week."
They didn't think it as poignent as I did. I had to remind them that maybe we should send flowers. They still couldn't believe it was his birthday and he'd had a heart attack. I couldn't believe we didn't have the Official From Us Company Birthday Card signed on his desk when he came in.
So I sit next to my piles of cash donated to the cause of the AHA awareness day and think "even when we know someone, SEE someone, having a heart attack, it doesn't sink in."
As the selfish person I am, instantly I think of how I treat my own heart, and realize I still feel adolecently invinceable. While I am fairly food conscious (even as I sample the cajun popcorn chicken or accept the last brownie on the plate), I will fall in love with a wilted house plant if it strikes me as having potential. The fickle temptation of this or that fanciful opportunity grab tightly of my heartstrings and have rarely left me with anything but gapping wounds to tenderly soucher and hope for minimal scarring. Soon enough I find something else has found the heartstrings I didn't know I had left, and I am ever so bound to this new source of deliciously painful taunting of my most treasured and valuable asset.
My heart, I've tried to protect it. I've tried hiding it away like Repunzel in her castle, only to find that the one window is enough to let those heart strings dangle like each strand of her hair. And, like Princess Fiona, this isolated dreamer sits knowing how the fairy tales end and is not so patiently waiting for her Prince Charming to arrive. So, I've dated my fair share of Shreks, thinking that this one may be the one to stop the waiting, maybe even heal the pain, free me from the spells and let me live my happy ending I know is coming. Instead, when I find myself alone in my room once again, I wonder if it will be worth even noticing the next tug of my eagerly wanting heartstrings, or if I should neglect these passers by who make me notice them but aren't willing to come rescue me.
To my cynical delight, I find that we are here at the day of truth when it comes to taking care of this part of your heart. A day to celebrate love, though typically romantic, I am choosing (as so many secretly unabashedly romantic cynics are) to celebrate the love I hold for myself. I am not seeing anyone right now, and that is the most loving thing I can be doing for myself. Case in point: Last night, I got a call. As I'd been expecting an email conversation to finish via phone during the evening, I lept to answer it. To my humbling surprise, it was an old gym buddy - 75 years old actually, who took my hip hop dance class as religiously as I did waaaayyyyy back when I was at the original Cubeville. He is coming east to visit some friends in Florida and thought he'd give me a ring and see how I'm doing.
The part about all this is that I totally forgot about the other call I expected because I was too thrilled that I'd gotten this one. Worse, the last few times I talked to the person I expected, I wasn't left with the glow this old guy and his raspy voice inspired of me in the 6 minutes he could spare to chat.
So, sure, I hide away, I tuck my Repunzel braid into the corner and don't dare look out the window at the passers by. But, when I'm not looking, I get a knock at the door.
Not that any of the He's that are checking on me will be my Happily Ever After, but, when a girl goes to bed with a smile on her face, it makes her think that tomorrow she just might let her hair down.
I was in charge of collecting our donations for the Wear Red For Women Day sponsored by the American Heart Association. This is especially noteable because yesterday one of our newest hires was taken away by ambulance with chest pains, and before it was lunch break he was in surgery having stints implanted in his arteries.
As the day progressed, I looked around at my coworkers who were stuck on the fact that it was his 51st birthday and this is how he was spending it.
I eventually blurted out "think of it this way - we are all sitting here having a normal work day and he had his chest ripped open instead of enjoying his new job. On any given day, wouldn't that be just an awful way to look back at you're morning? Maybe we ought to take this as a lesson to stop asking if we can have gravy with that Fat Bitch Breakfast Sandwich we crave 3 days a week."
They didn't think it as poignent as I did. I had to remind them that maybe we should send flowers. They still couldn't believe it was his birthday and he'd had a heart attack. I couldn't believe we didn't have the Official From Us Company Birthday Card signed on his desk when he came in.
So I sit next to my piles of cash donated to the cause of the AHA awareness day and think "even when we know someone, SEE someone, having a heart attack, it doesn't sink in."
As the selfish person I am, instantly I think of how I treat my own heart, and realize I still feel adolecently invinceable. While I am fairly food conscious (even as I sample the cajun popcorn chicken or accept the last brownie on the plate), I will fall in love with a wilted house plant if it strikes me as having potential. The fickle temptation of this or that fanciful opportunity grab tightly of my heartstrings and have rarely left me with anything but gapping wounds to tenderly soucher and hope for minimal scarring. Soon enough I find something else has found the heartstrings I didn't know I had left, and I am ever so bound to this new source of deliciously painful taunting of my most treasured and valuable asset.
My heart, I've tried to protect it. I've tried hiding it away like Repunzel in her castle, only to find that the one window is enough to let those heart strings dangle like each strand of her hair. And, like Princess Fiona, this isolated dreamer sits knowing how the fairy tales end and is not so patiently waiting for her Prince Charming to arrive. So, I've dated my fair share of Shreks, thinking that this one may be the one to stop the waiting, maybe even heal the pain, free me from the spells and let me live my happy ending I know is coming. Instead, when I find myself alone in my room once again, I wonder if it will be worth even noticing the next tug of my eagerly wanting heartstrings, or if I should neglect these passers by who make me notice them but aren't willing to come rescue me.
To my cynical delight, I find that we are here at the day of truth when it comes to taking care of this part of your heart. A day to celebrate love, though typically romantic, I am choosing (as so many secretly unabashedly romantic cynics are) to celebrate the love I hold for myself. I am not seeing anyone right now, and that is the most loving thing I can be doing for myself. Case in point: Last night, I got a call. As I'd been expecting an email conversation to finish via phone during the evening, I lept to answer it. To my humbling surprise, it was an old gym buddy - 75 years old actually, who took my hip hop dance class as religiously as I did waaaayyyyy back when I was at the original Cubeville. He is coming east to visit some friends in Florida and thought he'd give me a ring and see how I'm doing.
The part about all this is that I totally forgot about the other call I expected because I was too thrilled that I'd gotten this one. Worse, the last few times I talked to the person I expected, I wasn't left with the glow this old guy and his raspy voice inspired of me in the 6 minutes he could spare to chat.
So, sure, I hide away, I tuck my Repunzel braid into the corner and don't dare look out the window at the passers by. But, when I'm not looking, I get a knock at the door.
Not that any of the He's that are checking on me will be my Happily Ever After, but, when a girl goes to bed with a smile on her face, it makes her think that tomorrow she just might let her hair down.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Sunny Days, Blue Skies, and Seeing Red
On top of all the deep-breath-keep-breathing-ok-take-a-walk moments I can kinda manage through the day, I am trying to embrace the 15-20 minutes from the highway to my house by trying to find good radio and re-listening to all my CDs and singing really loud and all in all being happy I'm coming from the gym... but it's the last bit, the coming home to find there are no parking spots (and my roomies car has been in the same spot for 2 weeks now and I can't figure out which other car he's driving) so I'm at the end of the block (where I apparently backed into a numbered spot instead of a visitor spot the first time this happened sometime early last week and have had notes left on my car no matter what spot I choose beacuse I'm consistently parking in the wrong area) carrying all my lunch tupperwares and gym bag and purse and to-go chicken on spinach salad where something falls out of my hands (because it's 22 degrees and I thought I could make it 20 yards without gloves on) that causes just enough of a gggrrrrr to set in to really make the piles of garbage on the front stoop (from last night's football game watching party to which I had no notice would be happening and was a bit appauled to be awakened from my late afternoon snoozefest (thanks to the latex boyfriend, that little tip/reminder is getting better all the time) by the rumbling of 10 people screaming at a play and the volume subsequently being turned up to shake-Chrissy's-bed volume, naturally soliciting my very best mood as I waited for the certainty they'd all be glued to the tv before rushing down to the freezer to toss something edible in the microwave while no one was in the hideously unsanitary kitchen)... I've been here long enough to remember the screen door knob only works if you twist it one way and the door only works if you twist it the other but I just can NOT remember to start the approach with this thought in mind so my lefty hand always gets the ache of cold nerves as I grip and twist and twist harder and then the other way and then on-no-which-way-is-this-door until I finally just yank and the bastard (it only really latches if the entire mechanism has been manhandled to do so, typically you can't get the fucker to close) and toss myself across the threshold so as to let out as little of the precious heated air as possible. This particular evening I'm greeted by an actual sighting of the roomie and his prepubecent mannerless mute child, but couldn't be bothered to intrude on their bondfest because I misjudged the amount of water I'd consumed on that eliptical machine and very urgently needed my bathroom. With that being said, you'd think I'd be thrilled to find that I didn't need to worry about dropping another bag or getting an arthritic cramp trying to open another door, but somehow the culmination of all things unwelcoming about my coming home these last few nights is sending me into a fit of rage upon finding my bedroom and bathroom doors wide open. I am, as it turns out, quite private and overly possessive of my things, not the least of which is the precious warm air that I try to trap in my usual spaces to keep the frigid witch in me from taking over completely, and considering some days the thermostat is set to 72 (when someone will be over, like 10 screaming friends, or his oh-so-always-drunk-and-therefore-always-laughing-and-fuckable girlfriend, or the bratty kid who thinks dingdongditch is a game best played at one's own address and therefore the only reason the door should be closed at all is to facilitate the fun of this particular prank) or 63 (I thought it was when the bill came in he turned it down, but apparently it's just the standard temp at which he keeps a house he isn't using; can't blame him really, except that my cup of water on the nightstand is either chilled or sweating, and it's making the bed dressings and my pj choice vary from flannel on flannel with a heavy feather down to naked with a sheet in reach if need be). Besides this minutia, there is a cat living in the house. I am fine with cats, except that some cats are more possessive than I and have a tendancy to spray, especially anything that smells like other cats, like maybe my laundry bag that is in the bathroom, or anything I own that is in my bedroom. Not that any of it means anything to me, I mean I only packed it in stages depending on what I'd need shipped to me in priority order, then loaded every bit of it on a freight truck leaving behind anything I couldn't carry myself (including the bookcase I've had in every memory of my mom's room since forever), then upacked everything I could fit in the 10x11 room and stacked it on top of itself so I could be immersed in all things mine to create a whole in the universe that would nurture my me-ness... no reason to keep the cat out of that room, or respect that the door is closed unless I'm going through it, or even leave a note as to the reason someone might feel the need to be coming up the stairs to a total view of my stacks of PJs and pillows and discarded bedding...)
Right. So, I've been doing my very best to make the dream of a different future combat all the anger filled moments that come with my current home, to the point of taking a drive to a well spoken of town just 10 miles south of here. The downtown is ohsoverychick, they even have a Tiffany's just up the block from the tribute to Jay and Silent Bob store, all close enough to the river to smell it. I'll be making a return trip in the daylight, but I think I just found the kind of town I'd like to meet my next boyfriend in ;)
On that note, I'm going to see if my tender bits are suffering permanent damage from the weekend of hiding from the frigid weather by entertaining myself in bed, or if I can cause permanent damage by diffusing this instance of twitchy rage with another trip to the toy box.
Right. So, I've been doing my very best to make the dream of a different future combat all the anger filled moments that come with my current home, to the point of taking a drive to a well spoken of town just 10 miles south of here. The downtown is ohsoverychick, they even have a Tiffany's just up the block from the tribute to Jay and Silent Bob store, all close enough to the river to smell it. I'll be making a return trip in the daylight, but I think I just found the kind of town I'd like to meet my next boyfriend in ;)
On that note, I'm going to see if my tender bits are suffering permanent damage from the weekend of hiding from the frigid weather by entertaining myself in bed, or if I can cause permanent damage by diffusing this instance of twitchy rage with another trip to the toy box.
Monday, December 31, 2007
My New Home
I spent a good part of the weekend hacking up snot rockets (or trying to in order to keep them from settling in my lungs), locked in my house in slipper socks and sweat pants and one of surprisingly many gifted XL tshirts with an advertisement for a vacation spot logo'd on the front, and basically nesting. I organized 4 kitchen cupboards, cleaned out and reorganized (minus the easter candy, valentines chocolates still sealed in their heart shaped tomb, and any container no longer able to hold it's belongings, thereby taking out 2 huge bags of trash this morning) 2 very sizeable shared area closets (square foot wise, bigger than my cubicle), and thanks to my super don'tgiveafuck'dness when knocking over a 409 bottle on the kitchen counter am now quite obsessed with getting the entirety of the kitchen counter to go back to it's original color which is now only apparent where the magic potion has desolved tracks in the muck.
Right.
So, I've spent the weekend sick and nesting.
I intended to have the place feel more like I live there, but instead of finding places to hide my stuff, I've found places I could hide my stuff if only I could put all the kid's toys in the kids room or know why there is an entire closet dedicated to the storage of the box for everything in his Ikea house.
I found myself checking my vitals and having my meals in front of the computer, scouring for new places to live. It turned out to be humbling to see what other offerings were out there, then turn to my place and attack it with the nurturing it so desperately needed. Nonetheless, the recycled Top 40 tv/radio station and a closet of someone else's stuff will let your mind wander, and I recall a particular screenshot of a map with a circular Main Street that could have you vear off to the left onto another Main Street, cross over a 3rd Main Street, or, if you so desire, stay on it to cross 2 main Routes (another term for highway out here, but since they are basically divided streets they don't get the Highness title) that merge together in the circle and, if you continue straight (which now has you facing west when a mile ago you were facing east) will have you turned due north and on the Route you just crossed over. I think I've been through that area; if I remember right they are nice enough to give you a stop light to mark the end of Main Street and let you know you are now on a Route that extends a good portion of the state.
I've heard a lot of complaints about California drivers, and LA to boot, but I've never had a hard time reading a map of California - I find myself sure that this highway, when it tells me I"m going North, is not sending me a bit east to get turned completely around to go directly west only to check the map and find that my North highway does indeed have an S curve in it.
Ah, the lovely honeymoon period. The time of learning the quirks of your newbie and hoping you love them instead of strangle yourself over them... I can just see "I'm right off Main Street, no, not that side, the other side, over the other Main Street, no, not on the extension, by the highway, I mean by Route 35, no, after the split from Route 9, but before the railroad tracks..." Not quite lust at first sight, but Jersey's growing on me, that I won't deny ;)
Right.
So, I've spent the weekend sick and nesting.
I intended to have the place feel more like I live there, but instead of finding places to hide my stuff, I've found places I could hide my stuff if only I could put all the kid's toys in the kids room or know why there is an entire closet dedicated to the storage of the box for everything in his Ikea house.
I found myself checking my vitals and having my meals in front of the computer, scouring for new places to live. It turned out to be humbling to see what other offerings were out there, then turn to my place and attack it with the nurturing it so desperately needed. Nonetheless, the recycled Top 40 tv/radio station and a closet of someone else's stuff will let your mind wander, and I recall a particular screenshot of a map with a circular Main Street that could have you vear off to the left onto another Main Street, cross over a 3rd Main Street, or, if you so desire, stay on it to cross 2 main Routes (another term for highway out here, but since they are basically divided streets they don't get the Highness title) that merge together in the circle and, if you continue straight (which now has you facing west when a mile ago you were facing east) will have you turned due north and on the Route you just crossed over. I think I've been through that area; if I remember right they are nice enough to give you a stop light to mark the end of Main Street and let you know you are now on a Route that extends a good portion of the state.
I've heard a lot of complaints about California drivers, and LA to boot, but I've never had a hard time reading a map of California - I find myself sure that this highway, when it tells me I"m going North, is not sending me a bit east to get turned completely around to go directly west only to check the map and find that my North highway does indeed have an S curve in it.
Ah, the lovely honeymoon period. The time of learning the quirks of your newbie and hoping you love them instead of strangle yourself over them... I can just see "I'm right off Main Street, no, not that side, the other side, over the other Main Street, no, not on the extension, by the highway, I mean by Route 35, no, after the split from Route 9, but before the railroad tracks..." Not quite lust at first sight, but Jersey's growing on me, that I won't deny ;)
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Duplicitous Dupe
It's my favorite week of the year, this time between Christmas and New Year's.
No one wants to be working, we are all fat and happy off our sugar buzz and family contact, and with the progression from fall to winter is nearly complete, the air just chilly enough to keep us indoors with hibernating/hermit lifestyle.
Now, it's been a few years since I've had any fun doing the Christmas thing. I used to bake for the neighborhood and pick cards and make presents from the isles of Michael's crafts and spend pretty much the entire time from my birthday til Christmas morning thinking about and working on this or that aspect of making the day great for everyone. I don't want to say that Mom dying was the straw that broke that camel's back, but I was living at home until then and still had some of that kid excitement for gifts and surprises that has fizzled to nearly nothing, especially when coming from family.
Additionally, I am almost staunchly against setting New Year's resolutions. I remember thinking at 10 years old that I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up because I didn't know what I'd like in 10 years and found it ridiculous to pick something to strive for at 10 years old. It's a set up for disappointment in my eyes - if you get it, you are confined by the goals of a 10 year old, if you don't you feel like you can't accomplish what you set out to do. I much prefer to look around and know I'm going in a positive direction with my life, and leave the deadlines for accomplishments to the calendar of fate. When it comes right down to it, I get what I set out to do, but there is no way I could have expected last January 1st that "I want to be making more money" would have me pulling 10K/yr more for doing an easier job than the one I started on January 1st - let alone that I'd be living across the country to get it!
Compoundly, when I was out to party all the time, I resented that my bars were trying to charge me $50 to get in and play with all the assholes who only come out 3 times a year to fuck with my routine. Though I tried to make it a fun party night, the Vegas trip was the last attempt at a memorable holiday event; it was memorable, unfortunately.
My point with all this is that this week isn't my favorite because it's smack between two of my favorite holidays. I don't like remembering the traditions of holidays past, I don't like the planning and expectations of coming holidays, and I resent that I'm supposed to invest a sizeable monetary sum to gift or party on a particular day. Of late, I can add to this list that I abhor the concept that I should be sad I've got a short list of family members to acknowledge this season - I'll be sad about dead family whenever I feel like it, thankyouveryfuckingmuch.
I love this time of year because the rest of the world seems to come more in line with how I operate on a regular basis. "Be nice! It's Christmas!!!" has more people smiling in the grocery store, letting people merge on the highway, more ready for a Good Morning greeting on the way to the mailbox. There is more gratitude in the air, more thoughts of how they can be gracious receivers and thankless givers to loved ones and strangers alike. Even with year end stress at the office, people take their vacation time and remember to take care of themselves regardless of what the inbox holds. We try to remind each other that health and family come first, but something about December makes people act on it. It is like an community exhale. What is really important floats to the surface faster than the marshmallows in our hot chocolate, and for a brief part of the year I don't get snide guffaws when I put on a cheery smile in the morning or say thank you or forgive someone's bad mood. The winter air sets everyone in a more sedentary mood, letting us take time to be with our thoughts as we hide from the weather in our homes, and suddenly I'm not the only one starting sentences with "I was just sitting on the couch last night and this great idea hit me..."
Amidst all this inner joy spawned from blending in better during the holiday season, I find myself coming to realizations that are most certainly from the more reflective state of mind that seeps in with the change of the calendar. As I was checking my emails and having a cup of coffee in this empty house, suddenly I'm overcome with how much of my life now is a repeat of what I've already done.
- roomie is 1) named Mike, this is the 3rd; 2) the live in home owner, I've had 2; 3) male that I'm not sleeping with, I've had 1; 4) a teacher with enough extra curricular activities to make it impossible to know if/when there is a safe time to shimmy from the bathroom to the bedroom naked, my second.
- job is 1) an admin job of only women coworkers; 2) has me as a backup for the rest of the team; 3) has me killing time all day until someone says "are you busy right now?"; 4) bombards me with Dilbert/Cathy/Office Space cliché’s so that I can't even laugh at these comedies without crying at how people can snapshot my life and laugh just as hard. Too many to count the redundancy here. Moving on.
- gym is 1) more of a reason to flirt than work out; 2) my trainer talks/walks/acts/laughs/gets nervous just like Sexy because they are basically the same age; 3) close enough to be my something to do when I hate my house; 4) where I get chatted up by the staff, and get a buzz from the social aspect; 5) what I look forward to and plan my schedule around.
- guy is 1) totally inappropriate, completely not worth my effort, a waste of energy; 2) someone I want a friendship from, but know it's just a cop out excuse to allow me to not hate the situation I've put myself in; 3) just a fuck, and without the fun is more about the intimacy afterward than the fun of the sex; 4) another guy I used as an excuse to move away from everything I know, and will always love just for that, but won't tell how much he means to me for instilling the confidence and will power to change my life; 5) will always resent for helping me change my life but not taking any responsibility for it and letting me flounder on my own once they have me in their neighborhood.
- family is 1)far enough away to not come knock on my door; 2) assuming I don't care because I "left them"; 3) fucking up, lying, omitting facts, overly superficial, and absolutely no support system to me, again by reason that I've detached from them by relocating; 4) a sore spot because I can't have a boundary and a family simultaneously.
So, what to make of all this as the Adult Top 40 radio station continues my slippery trek down memory lane?? Either that I’ve still got lessons to learn in these areas and I’ll repeat these scenarios as long as it takes before moving on, or that I refuse to let go of these aspects of my past, or maybe this is just who I am. Is it that bad to move away from family that leaves you feeling slimy and depressed? Is there something innately bad-roomie-live-in-homeowner-named-Mike that I am comfortable complaining about? I’ve had admin jobs forever and I’m good at the project basis of being the pick-up-the-slack girl, and I’m making almost decent money, so who cares if I’m doing it again?
The only problem I have with any of it is the sense that I’m bigger than all this. There is potential I’m not using, there is a pattern I’m setting to accept things as they are instead of creating the life I’m capable of. I’ve taken steps others are afraid of, I’ve got the mindset that anything is possible, and the tenacity to make it happen when I finally decide it’s what to do. In that light, how many roomies named Mike, fuck buddies, flirty gym rats and boring jobs do I have to endure before asking my 10 year old self what I really want to be when I grow up and go after that? In the mean time, I’ve got $163 in my checking account, a personal trainer who has my inner thighs feeling as sore as I’d have liked my fuck to have left them, a head cold I’ve kept from turning into a chest cold or an ear infection, a healthy desire to be a homeowner, a recurring thought that going back to school would be good for me, and a house to myself for another 4 days that I vowed would feel much more like I live here by the time I have to share it again. I’m not rearranging furniture or commandeering half the living room (though I thought about it), just making the kitchen cupboards useable spaces and finding space in the storage closets for my 6 boxes to hide. Then I’ll go back to checking foreclosure lists and course listings and social options for this upcoming party night, as I’m just sure I’ll be feeling better by then and staying home to watch Ryan Seacrest drop the ball on the Times Square I can almost smell from here is just another repeat I refuse to add to the list.
I realize I don’t post like I used to, I’m still afraid the office can read my stuff and I don’t like having to remember to delete the cookies from the roomies computer. Also, I write in a paperback journal I keep at my bedside more than I used to. If I don’t see you, enjoy the rest of this holiday season, and cheers to keeping the friendly, compassionate, grateful mood long past next week :0)
No one wants to be working, we are all fat and happy off our sugar buzz and family contact, and with the progression from fall to winter is nearly complete, the air just chilly enough to keep us indoors with hibernating/hermit lifestyle.
Now, it's been a few years since I've had any fun doing the Christmas thing. I used to bake for the neighborhood and pick cards and make presents from the isles of Michael's crafts and spend pretty much the entire time from my birthday til Christmas morning thinking about and working on this or that aspect of making the day great for everyone. I don't want to say that Mom dying was the straw that broke that camel's back, but I was living at home until then and still had some of that kid excitement for gifts and surprises that has fizzled to nearly nothing, especially when coming from family.
Additionally, I am almost staunchly against setting New Year's resolutions. I remember thinking at 10 years old that I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up because I didn't know what I'd like in 10 years and found it ridiculous to pick something to strive for at 10 years old. It's a set up for disappointment in my eyes - if you get it, you are confined by the goals of a 10 year old, if you don't you feel like you can't accomplish what you set out to do. I much prefer to look around and know I'm going in a positive direction with my life, and leave the deadlines for accomplishments to the calendar of fate. When it comes right down to it, I get what I set out to do, but there is no way I could have expected last January 1st that "I want to be making more money" would have me pulling 10K/yr more for doing an easier job than the one I started on January 1st - let alone that I'd be living across the country to get it!
Compoundly, when I was out to party all the time, I resented that my bars were trying to charge me $50 to get in and play with all the assholes who only come out 3 times a year to fuck with my routine. Though I tried to make it a fun party night, the Vegas trip was the last attempt at a memorable holiday event; it was memorable, unfortunately.
My point with all this is that this week isn't my favorite because it's smack between two of my favorite holidays. I don't like remembering the traditions of holidays past, I don't like the planning and expectations of coming holidays, and I resent that I'm supposed to invest a sizeable monetary sum to gift or party on a particular day. Of late, I can add to this list that I abhor the concept that I should be sad I've got a short list of family members to acknowledge this season - I'll be sad about dead family whenever I feel like it, thankyouveryfuckingmuch.
I love this time of year because the rest of the world seems to come more in line with how I operate on a regular basis. "Be nice! It's Christmas!!!" has more people smiling in the grocery store, letting people merge on the highway, more ready for a Good Morning greeting on the way to the mailbox. There is more gratitude in the air, more thoughts of how they can be gracious receivers and thankless givers to loved ones and strangers alike. Even with year end stress at the office, people take their vacation time and remember to take care of themselves regardless of what the inbox holds. We try to remind each other that health and family come first, but something about December makes people act on it. It is like an community exhale. What is really important floats to the surface faster than the marshmallows in our hot chocolate, and for a brief part of the year I don't get snide guffaws when I put on a cheery smile in the morning or say thank you or forgive someone's bad mood. The winter air sets everyone in a more sedentary mood, letting us take time to be with our thoughts as we hide from the weather in our homes, and suddenly I'm not the only one starting sentences with "I was just sitting on the couch last night and this great idea hit me..."
Amidst all this inner joy spawned from blending in better during the holiday season, I find myself coming to realizations that are most certainly from the more reflective state of mind that seeps in with the change of the calendar. As I was checking my emails and having a cup of coffee in this empty house, suddenly I'm overcome with how much of my life now is a repeat of what I've already done.
- roomie is 1) named Mike, this is the 3rd; 2) the live in home owner, I've had 2; 3) male that I'm not sleeping with, I've had 1; 4) a teacher with enough extra curricular activities to make it impossible to know if/when there is a safe time to shimmy from the bathroom to the bedroom naked, my second.
- job is 1) an admin job of only women coworkers; 2) has me as a backup for the rest of the team; 3) has me killing time all day until someone says "are you busy right now?"; 4) bombards me with Dilbert/Cathy/Office Space cliché’s so that I can't even laugh at these comedies without crying at how people can snapshot my life and laugh just as hard. Too many to count the redundancy here. Moving on.
- gym is 1) more of a reason to flirt than work out; 2) my trainer talks/walks/acts/laughs/gets nervous just like Sexy because they are basically the same age; 3) close enough to be my something to do when I hate my house; 4) where I get chatted up by the staff, and get a buzz from the social aspect; 5) what I look forward to and plan my schedule around.
- guy is 1) totally inappropriate, completely not worth my effort, a waste of energy; 2) someone I want a friendship from, but know it's just a cop out excuse to allow me to not hate the situation I've put myself in; 3) just a fuck, and without the fun is more about the intimacy afterward than the fun of the sex; 4) another guy I used as an excuse to move away from everything I know, and will always love just for that, but won't tell how much he means to me for instilling the confidence and will power to change my life; 5) will always resent for helping me change my life but not taking any responsibility for it and letting me flounder on my own once they have me in their neighborhood.
- family is 1)far enough away to not come knock on my door; 2) assuming I don't care because I "left them"; 3) fucking up, lying, omitting facts, overly superficial, and absolutely no support system to me, again by reason that I've detached from them by relocating; 4) a sore spot because I can't have a boundary and a family simultaneously.
So, what to make of all this as the Adult Top 40 radio station continues my slippery trek down memory lane?? Either that I’ve still got lessons to learn in these areas and I’ll repeat these scenarios as long as it takes before moving on, or that I refuse to let go of these aspects of my past, or maybe this is just who I am. Is it that bad to move away from family that leaves you feeling slimy and depressed? Is there something innately bad-roomie-live-in-homeowner-named-Mike that I am comfortable complaining about? I’ve had admin jobs forever and I’m good at the project basis of being the pick-up-the-slack girl, and I’m making almost decent money, so who cares if I’m doing it again?
The only problem I have with any of it is the sense that I’m bigger than all this. There is potential I’m not using, there is a pattern I’m setting to accept things as they are instead of creating the life I’m capable of. I’ve taken steps others are afraid of, I’ve got the mindset that anything is possible, and the tenacity to make it happen when I finally decide it’s what to do. In that light, how many roomies named Mike, fuck buddies, flirty gym rats and boring jobs do I have to endure before asking my 10 year old self what I really want to be when I grow up and go after that? In the mean time, I’ve got $163 in my checking account, a personal trainer who has my inner thighs feeling as sore as I’d have liked my fuck to have left them, a head cold I’ve kept from turning into a chest cold or an ear infection, a healthy desire to be a homeowner, a recurring thought that going back to school would be good for me, and a house to myself for another 4 days that I vowed would feel much more like I live here by the time I have to share it again. I’m not rearranging furniture or commandeering half the living room (though I thought about it), just making the kitchen cupboards useable spaces and finding space in the storage closets for my 6 boxes to hide. Then I’ll go back to checking foreclosure lists and course listings and social options for this upcoming party night, as I’m just sure I’ll be feeling better by then and staying home to watch Ryan Seacrest drop the ball on the Times Square I can almost smell from here is just another repeat I refuse to add to the list.
I realize I don’t post like I used to, I’m still afraid the office can read my stuff and I don’t like having to remember to delete the cookies from the roomies computer. Also, I write in a paperback journal I keep at my bedside more than I used to. If I don’t see you, enjoy the rest of this holiday season, and cheers to keeping the friendly, compassionate, grateful mood long past next week :0)
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Snow Day
I'm getting out of work an hour early tonight, due to snow =)
The boss gave us notice. It's now 20 minutes before we get off an HOUR early, and half of them are going downstairs to start their cars and brush the snow off. So, it's like getting off an hour and a half early in my book.
Have I mentioned these people make me laugh all the time, this job is great for me, and even the hour each way I give for drive, I'm still happy here!!
The boss gave us notice. It's now 20 minutes before we get off an HOUR early, and half of them are going downstairs to start their cars and brush the snow off. So, it's like getting off an hour and a half early in my book.
Have I mentioned these people make me laugh all the time, this job is great for me, and even the hour each way I give for drive, I'm still happy here!!
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Terrific Tuesday
I had a great day yesterday.
Just great from top to bottom.
I'm not sure if I've grown a thicker skin, or if it isn't as cold anymore, or if the shock of the newness is wearing off, or if this life really does suit me that much better, but it was really refreshing to not be meloncholy :o)
I'm not sure if I've posted much on which habits I'm trying to leave behind, but lets say I'm proud that I was offered a glass of wine last night and refused it. I could have gone to lunch and had fried chicken or a meatball sub, but I had a pile of veggies instead. The morning commute is my time for Grapenuts with pomagranate seeds. I'm visiting a lot of gyms before just signing with one. And, despite the new habit I'd been forming, I went to bed at a reasonable time last night.
When I'm bad, it's just awful.
But, when I'm good, ooohhhhh boy am I good!
Word of the Day: Schmeckel. I don't want to go too into it, but let's just say, with the population density of the Jewish faith around here and the way an office of 6 women will talk, we come up with all kinds of ways to have conversations without anyone thinking to call HARRASSMENT down the hall. It's almost like a PG radio show, where we keep coming up with new ways to ask if that smile on her face is because of the man last night or gas from the McGriddle this morning. Add to it the New York women and their mouths, and you have a regular comedy sketch any time you walk through here.
Happy Hump Day!
Just great from top to bottom.
I'm not sure if I've grown a thicker skin, or if it isn't as cold anymore, or if the shock of the newness is wearing off, or if this life really does suit me that much better, but it was really refreshing to not be meloncholy :o)
I'm not sure if I've posted much on which habits I'm trying to leave behind, but lets say I'm proud that I was offered a glass of wine last night and refused it. I could have gone to lunch and had fried chicken or a meatball sub, but I had a pile of veggies instead. The morning commute is my time for Grapenuts with pomagranate seeds. I'm visiting a lot of gyms before just signing with one. And, despite the new habit I'd been forming, I went to bed at a reasonable time last night.
When I'm bad, it's just awful.
But, when I'm good, ooohhhhh boy am I good!
Word of the Day: Schmeckel. I don't want to go too into it, but let's just say, with the population density of the Jewish faith around here and the way an office of 6 women will talk, we come up with all kinds of ways to have conversations without anyone thinking to call HARRASSMENT down the hall. It's almost like a PG radio show, where we keep coming up with new ways to ask if that smile on her face is because of the man last night or gas from the McGriddle this morning. Add to it the New York women and their mouths, and you have a regular comedy sketch any time you walk through here.
Happy Hump Day!
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Happy Hanukkah!
No, I'm not Jewish (yet), but as it happens I moved to the town with the most densly Jewish population in the state (or top 3, or something way up there)... so I'm surrounded with the candles in the windows and the big black hats and the droves of people walking on Saturdays, and now the menorah all have a candle lit =)
And, it's been almost a week since a post and almost NOTHING has happened!!
The work is the same, the house is the same, I'm almost the same... I did buy some boots, and it has been literally freezing every day by sundown, and the one person I know here is driving me away by telling me details about his life, but otherwise there is a rythem to what I'm doing and I just go with it.
I have found the optimal time to leave the house to avoid traffic, the trouble with it is that I get to the office 15-20 minutes before clock in time. I am not used to being on time. I am NEVER early. Even if I try to get logged in and ready to work by 9am, there ain't nuthin about making a cup of coffee that requires 15 minutes. So, I am struggling with being a competant employee who shows up to work on time.
This is certainly a side effect of growing up I didn't see coming. It's easy, I'm adjusting, but quite unfamiliar to not be rushing in the morning.
Word of the Day: Techie. I've had one, he will always be dear to me, but at this level in the company we are asked to direct our questions to the one guy - and I've never met him before. I was a little pouty about having a new guy only because I liked calling and getting my old familiars, but as it turns out this guy not only knows his shit about my systems and programs but is guiding ne through the tangled web of detailed specs on Dell.com as well as spending quite a bit of energy telling me about his life and asking about mine. I'll remind you, this is my tech support guy and he was on vacation the week I started so he has literally had 8 days to forge any relationship with me... it is quite nice to have a personal connection with someone via email, and with the chats being in Outlook instead of Yahoo I feel better about yammering away with the window wide open as the bosses meander the office =)=)
Have you hugged your Techie today?
And, it's been almost a week since a post and almost NOTHING has happened!!
The work is the same, the house is the same, I'm almost the same... I did buy some boots, and it has been literally freezing every day by sundown, and the one person I know here is driving me away by telling me details about his life, but otherwise there is a rythem to what I'm doing and I just go with it.
I have found the optimal time to leave the house to avoid traffic, the trouble with it is that I get to the office 15-20 minutes before clock in time. I am not used to being on time. I am NEVER early. Even if I try to get logged in and ready to work by 9am, there ain't nuthin about making a cup of coffee that requires 15 minutes. So, I am struggling with being a competant employee who shows up to work on time.
This is certainly a side effect of growing up I didn't see coming. It's easy, I'm adjusting, but quite unfamiliar to not be rushing in the morning.
Word of the Day: Techie. I've had one, he will always be dear to me, but at this level in the company we are asked to direct our questions to the one guy - and I've never met him before. I was a little pouty about having a new guy only because I liked calling and getting my old familiars, but as it turns out this guy not only knows his shit about my systems and programs but is guiding ne through the tangled web of detailed specs on Dell.com as well as spending quite a bit of energy telling me about his life and asking about mine. I'll remind you, this is my tech support guy and he was on vacation the week I started so he has literally had 8 days to forge any relationship with me... it is quite nice to have a personal connection with someone via email, and with the chats being in Outlook instead of Yahoo I feel better about yammering away with the window wide open as the bosses meander the office =)=)
Have you hugged your Techie today?
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Breathe
I was asked to just take a breath the other day.
From the other end of the phone, on the other side of the country, it was apparent that is all I needed to do. I earned a "there you go!"
My response was "yes, that worked, until I have to breath IN again!"
So, here we have my long term dilema. I can let go, calm down, smile nicely, be a good girl, breathe out... and then there is the opposite.
It is directly after the mellow, it lets me take in everything, knowing that I'll let go of whatever doesn't suit me. The pit fall is that it fills me with details I don't need and options I won't take and dreams that aren't mine and piss and vinigar to boot.
In yoga I learned to count my breath, in for 3, out for 6. I can try, but I get wrapped up in the maybe's and the 'I could do that" and the high of taking it in. Only when I'm writhing in pain do I realize I've forgotten the next step.
And that is where friends come in. To get your attention back to the important and keep you in rhythm.
It seems obvious that I could remember to ebb and flow on my own, but as it turns out, I'm not there yet.
I needed a reminder to breathe.
The best part is the simplicity of it. I used to be all about keeping it simple, going with the flow - it got me nowhere I wanted to be. So I created a need for control over my life - that got me headaches, poor sleep, eating and drinking to excess, and a snarl for life.
Today, sitting at my desk, almost keeping busy enough to warrent the mess on my desk, I noticed an exhale. I heard my friend's voice in my head saying "there you go!!"
Word of the Day: Thanksgiving. I know it was last week, but I am embarrassed that it is my favorite holiday and I had forgotten why. I adore the reminder to give thanks. I like having a day where the purpose is to fill yourself with what you enjoy with the intention of appreciating it.
I can't keep a gratitude journal, I haven't gotten in the habit of thank you cards, and I usually can't flat out say "I appreciate you" unless it's to my car and we are alone... and this year I had a very hard time seeing the silver lining, let alone being thankful for it, even on the day dedicated to it.
But a week later I can, with the help of a friend, look up and see more than dark clouds. I hope you didn't need a reminder like Tday, or a smack on the head to breathe, but if you did, I sincerely hope you have, because this side of that hurdle is surely where the greener pastures lie.
From the other end of the phone, on the other side of the country, it was apparent that is all I needed to do. I earned a "there you go!"
My response was "yes, that worked, until I have to breath IN again!"
So, here we have my long term dilema. I can let go, calm down, smile nicely, be a good girl, breathe out... and then there is the opposite.
It is directly after the mellow, it lets me take in everything, knowing that I'll let go of whatever doesn't suit me. The pit fall is that it fills me with details I don't need and options I won't take and dreams that aren't mine and piss and vinigar to boot.
In yoga I learned to count my breath, in for 3, out for 6. I can try, but I get wrapped up in the maybe's and the 'I could do that" and the high of taking it in. Only when I'm writhing in pain do I realize I've forgotten the next step.
It's nearly like it's nourishing to feel like ass and hibernate and hide from the world and anguish over this or that possible opportunity that you will only ever actually have if you can get out of bed. I don't understand people who always have plans. I need alone time, down time, to stop and look around before jumping into the next thing.
But, when the down time turns to self loathing, paralizing fear, anger and hate, I have to know that there is nothing nourishing about that.
And that is where friends come in. To get your attention back to the important and keep you in rhythm.
It seems obvious that I could remember to ebb and flow on my own, but as it turns out, I'm not there yet.
I needed a reminder to breathe.
The best part is the simplicity of it. I used to be all about keeping it simple, going with the flow - it got me nowhere I wanted to be. So I created a need for control over my life - that got me headaches, poor sleep, eating and drinking to excess, and a snarl for life.
Today, sitting at my desk, almost keeping busy enough to warrent the mess on my desk, I noticed an exhale. I heard my friend's voice in my head saying "there you go!!"
Word of the Day: Thanksgiving. I know it was last week, but I am embarrassed that it is my favorite holiday and I had forgotten why. I adore the reminder to give thanks. I like having a day where the purpose is to fill yourself with what you enjoy with the intention of appreciating it.
I can't keep a gratitude journal, I haven't gotten in the habit of thank you cards, and I usually can't flat out say "I appreciate you" unless it's to my car and we are alone... and this year I had a very hard time seeing the silver lining, let alone being thankful for it, even on the day dedicated to it.
But a week later I can, with the help of a friend, look up and see more than dark clouds. I hope you didn't need a reminder like Tday, or a smack on the head to breathe, but if you did, I sincerely hope you have, because this side of that hurdle is surely where the greener pastures lie.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
One Week
Ok, I actually got here Tuesday night, but I went almost straight to bed (after finding out the roomies bed squeaks- audible from the living room - and so does his girlfriend- making a trip to the bathroom almost entertaining), but immediately dove into unpacking, so I didn't really do anything or see anything outside the house til the weekend.
So now I feel like I've been here for a full week, and am just bursting with stuff to say, but don't know anyone well enough to blurt it to, so here I am!
1) Here they are sneakers. I've called them tennies my whole life. They take this labeling very seriously, as I was heartily corrected mid sentence for using the wrong, though admittedly accurate, vocabulary. Men also get the distinction of topsiders, which are deck shoes, which they were as their casual shoe, even if they are no where near a boat. I've called them, uh, boat shoes, but they seem to carry a special kind of sentimentality here, so I won't touch it.
2) Of course there is traffic. I knew there would be traffic. What I still can't get is WHY. They have a pretty smart way of making sure the cars get to go where they are going without stopping anyone else to make it happen. This is called a jug-handle. They LOVE when I talk about the jug-handle, though I've got nothing but praise for this concept. Sometimes it is before, sometimes after an intersection, but all turns are made from this side-road-access point to keep the thru drivers from waiting for a left hand turn signal or pedestrian in the crosswalk. The trouble is that the lights take just as long; you are not guaranteed a jug-handle so if you are in the right lane you may have to jet left to make a left hand turn or wait and U-turn back, and there is STILL TRAFFIC. Get this - it is a nightmare to widen streets because they would have to also move all the jug-handles!!!! Sometimes the jug-handles get bigger, like they go around a building or a whole block instead of just a corner of park-like nothingness, but this does not mean I'll be getting to work with any sanity any time soon.
3) The food. The white bread out here is just better. I did go for groceries last week, mostly deli stuff, but when the fridge had a foul stench I decided to clean that bastard out before putting any real food in there. This had me getting a familiar hello from the joint up the street that serves pizza, pasta, hot subs, and salads. Yep, I've been in a food coma for a week. This is a terrible way for me to be, as capped off yesterday by my trip to the CVS for tampons with an unplanned grab of the box of Oreo's and a quart of milk (then I ate half a row for lunch immediately upon entering the house). On my sugar buzz I went to the real grocery store, a taste of home because it is owned by a Cali counterpart, and realized when I unpacked that I tend toward really good food when given the choice. You just can't put a meatball sub next to it, cuz I'll eat that too.
4) They say they move faster, talk faster, think faster out here. On holiday weeks, they are slow as molasses just like us lazy west siders. These are all generalizations naturally, but they were so concerned I wouldn't be able to keep up... then took 2 hours deciding what take out to order from before actually going to lunch. Whoh!!! Hold up speed demons, I'm a laid back fruit or nut from Cali, I can't keep up with your frantic NYC-wannabe pace!! I keep reminding them I'm smart enough to follow direction and I have worked for the company before and this job compared to the last one is like monotony on a cracker, but they coddle me anyway. Whatev, I'll suck up the attention and like it.
5) It feels like I've been here forever already. I have to constantly remind myself it's been a, singular, mono, lone, week. Like when I dream of moving out into my own place, or buying a place, or selling a place for a bigger place, I have to look at the box of pictures still not hung in the corner and remember that I haven't even gotten a first paycheck yet. Maybe it's all the Jewish centers around here, got me planning my money before it's even here.
6) The space. There is open space everywhere. They have yards here. Even the strip malls are surrounded by open fields instead of other strip malls. I have to get into a BIG parking lot to see over the trees enough to catch the colors of the sunset. And all the trees were right in the middle of turning when I came in last week, so I'm catching the progress from vibrant to dead. No matter, it creates curbs made of maple leaves that somehow remind me of the Pine Tree Town I grew up in.
7) They don't understand when I say I'm not really used to the cold. What they consider a high for the day is what I'm used to getting as my 4am low. That it is clear out doesn't help me a bit except that I'm more likely to want to go out. Yesterday I spent 4 hours driving around the state - I was wearing mittens for the first 90 minutes of it. I'll be investing in lots of wool socks, and some new shoes to put them in, as well as sweaters that I can wear t-shirts under (the camis give me the shelf bra look, and I just can't have that), and while my cute little coats are, uh, cute, I do need at least one that has a removable fleece lining, preferably something that doesn't imply I'll be skiing any time soon. They tell me this isn't cold, and then clack their teeth on the way to their cars. Bite me, 34 degrees is cold, no matter what. Yes, it snowed on my car the other day, yes I have been rained on, yes I understand this is nothing compared to what February will put me though... I also understand that blood actually thickens up to make you more tolerant to the cold, and my triple layered body is working very hard to make that happen. I'm sure a walk around the massive block would help the circulation, and I see people running outdoors, but somehow I can't manage to get that into the 2 hours of the day it gets above 40 degrees.
8) Last one, I promise.
I want to grow up.
I want to have the balls to tell my roomie that he needs to get some shelves in his closets so this place isn't a clutter fest.
I want to tell the coworkers that giving directions is only useful until I can try them out - repeating them 4 times in a row only makes me want to get in the car, not makes me feel comfortable with taking all back roads through a town I've never heard of.
I want to say to Mr. Jersey that I'm not having sex with anyone until I'm comfortable admitting that I fake it 80% of the time because every guy likes ego strokes, not because I don't know how to get off.
I want to buy furniture. I want to buy things without picturing how easy they would be to pack and move.
I want to say I'm from somewhere in a brief sentence instead of a brief paragraph.
I really really want to buy a place, even a condo, and I think it is mostly about having roots somewhere. My roots though, because I picked that place to call home. Not because I could afford it, or because soandso said I would like it, or because it's close to someone. Are jug-handles and wool socks part of my definition of home?? Well, I'm inclined to think so, though not this part of Jersey, maybe just a smidge more north... but what do I know, I've been here for a week ;)
So now I feel like I've been here for a full week, and am just bursting with stuff to say, but don't know anyone well enough to blurt it to, so here I am!
1) Here they are sneakers. I've called them tennies my whole life. They take this labeling very seriously, as I was heartily corrected mid sentence for using the wrong, though admittedly accurate, vocabulary. Men also get the distinction of topsiders, which are deck shoes, which they were as their casual shoe, even if they are no where near a boat. I've called them, uh, boat shoes, but they seem to carry a special kind of sentimentality here, so I won't touch it.
2) Of course there is traffic. I knew there would be traffic. What I still can't get is WHY. They have a pretty smart way of making sure the cars get to go where they are going without stopping anyone else to make it happen. This is called a jug-handle. They LOVE when I talk about the jug-handle, though I've got nothing but praise for this concept. Sometimes it is before, sometimes after an intersection, but all turns are made from this side-road-access point to keep the thru drivers from waiting for a left hand turn signal or pedestrian in the crosswalk. The trouble is that the lights take just as long; you are not guaranteed a jug-handle so if you are in the right lane you may have to jet left to make a left hand turn or wait and U-turn back, and there is STILL TRAFFIC. Get this - it is a nightmare to widen streets because they would have to also move all the jug-handles!!!! Sometimes the jug-handles get bigger, like they go around a building or a whole block instead of just a corner of park-like nothingness, but this does not mean I'll be getting to work with any sanity any time soon.
3) The food. The white bread out here is just better. I did go for groceries last week, mostly deli stuff, but when the fridge had a foul stench I decided to clean that bastard out before putting any real food in there. This had me getting a familiar hello from the joint up the street that serves pizza, pasta, hot subs, and salads. Yep, I've been in a food coma for a week. This is a terrible way for me to be, as capped off yesterday by my trip to the CVS for tampons with an unplanned grab of the box of Oreo's and a quart of milk (then I ate half a row for lunch immediately upon entering the house). On my sugar buzz I went to the real grocery store, a taste of home because it is owned by a Cali counterpart, and realized when I unpacked that I tend toward really good food when given the choice. You just can't put a meatball sub next to it, cuz I'll eat that too.
4) They say they move faster, talk faster, think faster out here. On holiday weeks, they are slow as molasses just like us lazy west siders. These are all generalizations naturally, but they were so concerned I wouldn't be able to keep up... then took 2 hours deciding what take out to order from before actually going to lunch. Whoh!!! Hold up speed demons, I'm a laid back fruit or nut from Cali, I can't keep up with your frantic NYC-wannabe pace!! I keep reminding them I'm smart enough to follow direction and I have worked for the company before and this job compared to the last one is like monotony on a cracker, but they coddle me anyway. Whatev, I'll suck up the attention and like it.
5) It feels like I've been here forever already. I have to constantly remind myself it's been a, singular, mono, lone, week. Like when I dream of moving out into my own place, or buying a place, or selling a place for a bigger place, I have to look at the box of pictures still not hung in the corner and remember that I haven't even gotten a first paycheck yet. Maybe it's all the Jewish centers around here, got me planning my money before it's even here.
6) The space. There is open space everywhere. They have yards here. Even the strip malls are surrounded by open fields instead of other strip malls. I have to get into a BIG parking lot to see over the trees enough to catch the colors of the sunset. And all the trees were right in the middle of turning when I came in last week, so I'm catching the progress from vibrant to dead. No matter, it creates curbs made of maple leaves that somehow remind me of the Pine Tree Town I grew up in.
7) They don't understand when I say I'm not really used to the cold. What they consider a high for the day is what I'm used to getting as my 4am low. That it is clear out doesn't help me a bit except that I'm more likely to want to go out. Yesterday I spent 4 hours driving around the state - I was wearing mittens for the first 90 minutes of it. I'll be investing in lots of wool socks, and some new shoes to put them in, as well as sweaters that I can wear t-shirts under (the camis give me the shelf bra look, and I just can't have that), and while my cute little coats are, uh, cute, I do need at least one that has a removable fleece lining, preferably something that doesn't imply I'll be skiing any time soon. They tell me this isn't cold, and then clack their teeth on the way to their cars. Bite me, 34 degrees is cold, no matter what. Yes, it snowed on my car the other day, yes I have been rained on, yes I understand this is nothing compared to what February will put me though... I also understand that blood actually thickens up to make you more tolerant to the cold, and my triple layered body is working very hard to make that happen. I'm sure a walk around the massive block would help the circulation, and I see people running outdoors, but somehow I can't manage to get that into the 2 hours of the day it gets above 40 degrees.
8) Last one, I promise.
I want to grow up.
I want to have the balls to tell my roomie that he needs to get some shelves in his closets so this place isn't a clutter fest.
I want to tell the coworkers that giving directions is only useful until I can try them out - repeating them 4 times in a row only makes me want to get in the car, not makes me feel comfortable with taking all back roads through a town I've never heard of.
I want to say to Mr. Jersey that I'm not having sex with anyone until I'm comfortable admitting that I fake it 80% of the time because every guy likes ego strokes, not because I don't know how to get off.
I want to buy furniture. I want to buy things without picturing how easy they would be to pack and move.
I want to say I'm from somewhere in a brief sentence instead of a brief paragraph.
I really really want to buy a place, even a condo, and I think it is mostly about having roots somewhere. My roots though, because I picked that place to call home. Not because I could afford it, or because soandso said I would like it, or because it's close to someone. Are jug-handles and wool socks part of my definition of home?? Well, I'm inclined to think so, though not this part of Jersey, maybe just a smidge more north... but what do I know, I've been here for a week ;)
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Countdown to Tday
It's been almost 3 days of work.
I'm currently the ONLY one in the office.
The super head honcho guy planned the day off, and Friday too I think.
My boss was here until just after lunch, with the announcement that she needed someone to stay until 4pm (but did not announce why), but we could stagger out of here between 3 and 4pm.
As the only one with no family waiting at home, I volunteered to spend the rest of my afternoon surfing the net in the office so they could go.
If I don't catch the roomie in the house soon so I can get one of the 2 computers online for me, I'm going to add internet to my cell phone plan and use my own damn phone line. It's been 3 days, I asked him to log me back in, still nothing, and he's not there when I am to ask again.
So, the job is going well, they are great about helping me with the training and learning curve and getting me to and from the office without too many lost hours on my part, and we got to wear jeans today so it was all smiles.
And, with no plans tomorrow, or until I come back to work on Monday really, I'm here wondering how awful it would be to try to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in person(the locals won't DREAM of going into the city on a holiday, got me a little scared),or if I should plan clean the kitchen enough to actually cook in it to make grocery shopping worth while. Also on the list is to figure how many more factors I can add to the list of ways to attempt, without actually facilitating, gaining weight; so far I've got:
-rehydrating after a week of trying to minimize stops while driving cross country
- Flo waiting with baited breath for 5 days
-using full fat full sugar creamer in every one of my 6-8 cups of coffee a day
- get introduced to the pizza/pasta/italian sub place around the corner, where I proceed to eat every meal
- office snacks in the way of Dunkin Donut box of bite-sized delights.
Sure, it's a different belt than the one I needed to cinch by 2 notches while on vacation, but as my only thought turns to how I can't wait to get home and out of this button down shirt and back into sweats, I'm thinking I may have finally gotten the swelling to turn into something that will register on a scale. Not that I have one, but there is something gratifying about not being comfortable in your own clothes AND gaining 5 pounds. Without it you can't even pretend it's muscle weight.
Is it bad that I wear one set of sweats around the house, then change into another set of sweats to go to bed? Is that too much? The PJ version is just so voluminous, and the buttons on the cargo ones dig into me when I roll over... discuss amoungst yourselves, report back.
Word of the Day: tashoyah. As in "just goes tashoyah, you delete their number and they call you within a week", or "hey, I have Got tashoyah this!!" It is one word here, and during training week I've realized this. While the nic-names for stuff being different is worthy of the raz factor going both ways, I'm pretty impressed at how some differences seem to make it under the radar (and have me ducking behind my actually almost privacy invoking cubicle wall to giggle the hardest).
Happy Turkey day!! I hope you guys all get to smile about your celebration plans!! If your day sucks, imagine sitting with me on the leather couch with the huge flat screen tv and total control over the remote with real Baileys in the coffee, with only the heater intake panel to interupt us...
I'm currently the ONLY one in the office.
The super head honcho guy planned the day off, and Friday too I think.
My boss was here until just after lunch, with the announcement that she needed someone to stay until 4pm (but did not announce why), but we could stagger out of here between 3 and 4pm.
As the only one with no family waiting at home, I volunteered to spend the rest of my afternoon surfing the net in the office so they could go.
If I don't catch the roomie in the house soon so I can get one of the 2 computers online for me, I'm going to add internet to my cell phone plan and use my own damn phone line. It's been 3 days, I asked him to log me back in, still nothing, and he's not there when I am to ask again.
So, the job is going well, they are great about helping me with the training and learning curve and getting me to and from the office without too many lost hours on my part, and we got to wear jeans today so it was all smiles.
And, with no plans tomorrow, or until I come back to work on Monday really, I'm here wondering how awful it would be to try to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in person(the locals won't DREAM of going into the city on a holiday, got me a little scared),or if I should plan clean the kitchen enough to actually cook in it to make grocery shopping worth while. Also on the list is to figure how many more factors I can add to the list of ways to attempt, without actually facilitating, gaining weight; so far I've got:
-rehydrating after a week of trying to minimize stops while driving cross country
- Flo waiting with baited breath for 5 days
-using full fat full sugar creamer in every one of my 6-8 cups of coffee a day
- get introduced to the pizza/pasta/italian sub place around the corner, where I proceed to eat every meal
- office snacks in the way of Dunkin Donut box of bite-sized delights.
Sure, it's a different belt than the one I needed to cinch by 2 notches while on vacation, but as my only thought turns to how I can't wait to get home and out of this button down shirt and back into sweats, I'm thinking I may have finally gotten the swelling to turn into something that will register on a scale. Not that I have one, but there is something gratifying about not being comfortable in your own clothes AND gaining 5 pounds. Without it you can't even pretend it's muscle weight.
Is it bad that I wear one set of sweats around the house, then change into another set of sweats to go to bed? Is that too much? The PJ version is just so voluminous, and the buttons on the cargo ones dig into me when I roll over... discuss amoungst yourselves, report back.
Word of the Day: tashoyah. As in "just goes tashoyah, you delete their number and they call you within a week", or "hey, I have Got tashoyah this!!" It is one word here, and during training week I've realized this. While the nic-names for stuff being different is worthy of the raz factor going both ways, I'm pretty impressed at how some differences seem to make it under the radar (and have me ducking behind my actually almost privacy invoking cubicle wall to giggle the hardest).
Happy Turkey day!! I hope you guys all get to smile about your celebration plans!! If your day sucks, imagine sitting with me on the leather couch with the huge flat screen tv and total control over the remote with real Baileys in the coffee, with only the heater intake panel to interupt us...
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