Ain't That Some Shit

Are you an eater??
I totally am.
Bored, angry, tired, extatic, celebrating, mourning, working, playing - no matter what, I'm either actually eating or thinking eating can fix it.
It's a learned thinking pattern, I get it, and therfore I think I can train myself to UNlearn it.
If you've ever tried to break a habit, you get it.
Here's the thing though - sometimes, when I am angry, tired, frustrated, apathetic, distractable, etc., eating actually DOES help.
Have you ever met a menstruating woman who hasn't eaten in 6 hours?? She is a bit off kilter with a hair trigger temper, but give her half a sandwich and maybe a chocolate square and she gains the ability to at least attempt to notice she is a whack job.

Imagine my surprise, after noticing everything I've put in my mouth since the new year (add your dirty joke here), to find I really had no interest in food yesterday. Sunday I was busy at the dog park and made a latte instead of a cup of coffee so I figured I was just full of milk calories to keep my normal afternoon hunger from hitting, Monday I ate good food whenever I got hungry all day, but yesterday I really had NO interest in food whatsoever. Like, it took me 90 minutes to have the breakfast I usually chow by the second stoplight of my drive in the morning, and lunch was opening 2 half sandwiches from the training room, stacking the meat side of one on the grilled veggie side of the other, and that tall half sandwich took me the ENTIRE afternoon to eat. Naturally I got hungry while on a machine at the gym, but when I didn't get a reply from Trainer Boy as to if continuing the workout would be better or worse, I just kept on going. And going, and going, and when I got tired but there were only 10 minutes left of the show I was watching, I just kept on going. 2 hours on a cardio machine (not sweating my tits off the whole time, but if you're just watching TV, walking is better than sitting, right? and when you get that incline up to 8.0, it will get that heart rate going just fine!), a protein shake I took half an hour to slup down, and STILL this morning I'm not giving a RIP about food!!!

So, here's what I'm thinking. I watched part of this show on National Geographic with this guy saying he can make you thin. The idea was to watch something that would put me to sleep, the PBS-like set looked like it might work. Turns out this guy was saying just what I told Trainer Boy a few weeks ago - eat when your hungry, eat what you want, but eat consciously, and stop when you're full. I HATE waiting for the alarm to go off to eat, I HATE feeling like I HAVE to finish the portion, I KNOW I'm not doing something right when I get hungry 45 minutes after lunch, but REFUSED to give in, thinking I needed to train my body to work with the schedule. After a month of binging and sneaking food and forgetting that I'm eating a chocolate bar, I decided to thank him for his advice and information, but it would only guide me in choosing more appropriate foods WHEN I get hungry, however many times a day that is, whatever time of day that is.

If these past few days are any indication, I might have to let go of my old standard "I've always been this size, went up a few sizes for a while there, but my body apparently likes the number 12 and is doing it's darndest to ensure all tags that hit it say 12 on them." If this isn't just the backlash of the PMS from HELL of 2.5 weeks of no control, happy hour filled, alcoholic lethargy, perhaps maybe I can really just respect myself enough to leave leftovers, enjoy bread when I feel the urge, and be in the gym because I WANT to be, instead of with an unreachable goal in mind.

Just wait, I've got some other desires bubbling up in me, I might try to satisfy them with a sundae or an appetizer sampler, but today is day two of pointedly noticing that I just couldn't care less if it's lunch time. For a life time eater like me, I'm looking at the half a wrap I'm done with saying "ain't that some shit!!!"