Control.

I have no control.
Period.
I don't even want to hear about the cosmic woes of how the world works or that its all a struggle now but it will get me to a higher place in life or that whatever doesn't kill me blah fuck'n blah bullshit.

The instant I think I know what the fuck is going on, anything outside my 3 foot personal space bubble changes at warp speed. I end up like Ashton Kutcher in The Butterfly Effect, looking around at the surroundings that LOOK familiar but I have to take a 10 second inventory of what is REALLY going on before making a move.

It used to be just one area of my life. It used to be that whenever Sister called I had to put on the UH HUH face and take it all in like I knew what she was talking about and just wait for enough details to spill and I'd see what we were working with.

Now-a-days, its every time I BLINK.
Work changes.
Co-workers change.
Schedules rearrange with no notification to the person who is supposed to WRITE the schedule.
Offices move.
Menus get rid of my favorite thing.
Stop lights adjust their timing.
My car's automatic seat is moved.
The dogs suddenly get along.
Spaz is asking about my day.
I'm buying NON-twist off BOTTLES of beer (and thrashing my hands trying to get it open with a lighter I had in my purse, but I don't smoke, and I've never gotten that to work anyway).
The bitch of it is, the more I tell people what I am expecting, the more shit hits the fan!!!!

Seriously, what the fuck is the point of saying "pick a holiday, Tday, ok, we'll do Tday and hibernate through December" if I'm going to get a call saying "I'm on the website and didn't know if I was buying one ticket or two... how many days are you taking off work for Christmas again? And we are doing Christmas dinner here, so we have to get back in time to have TWO Christmas celebrations!!"

I plan my day around a few reports getting run and a job shadow afternoon only to have my printer start spewing my reports because my boss thought she'd help me (or totally piss me off by not letting me do my job without hand holding and step'n all up in my sandbox and kicking shit around) and I have no idea what happened to the person I was going to scare away from taking over my position... I work my life in such a way that if I say I will do something I'll do it - you don't need to do it for me.

If I say I want to fuck and not plan a life together - I mean it, and I don't care how much you think I don't I'll never cave. If I tell you I'm not interested but you keep calling and I say I'm bored and desperate enough to let you buy me an $8 dinner it doesn't mean I like you more - it means I'm hungry and bored. If I tell you I am planning to kick out a roomie so you can move in I will actually start to make that happen - and my home will be uncomfortable until it all goes down. And if I am told that we are in agreement about how FUCKED UP our lives are with one particular person in them, I WILL find it demeaning and sickening and treason for you to corner me into having to NOT be called the "bitch who ruined our Christmas by selfishly NOT taking our offer to pay her spoiled way to be here with us because she would rather stay home and hide behind having a new job to plan for" - I will do what ever anyone else needs me to do in order to maintain the peace and take a Blogland bashing for it because I am a Libra and I think that sometime somewhere in any way someone will bend over to help ME get what I want.

But no - instead I am reminded of the days where Mom would pop ibuprofin so she could feel her legs during the car ride on her bad back to see grandparents I didn't meet until I was 12 years old... I think of the days she was told by the doctor that if she'd had the 4pm appointment instead of the noon that they might have to send her to the hospital to fix her and she smartly replied "well, thats why I came in at noon"... the nights I went to bed and she wasn't home from work and I woke up and she was back at the shop... I think of how she cried when she found out the medical insurance had been cancelled and know now that it was because she checked its policy only because she was coughing blood and wanted to get it checked out before it got THAT bad... and I remember the look on her face when I walked into that hospital room and she knew she wouldn't ever go home again - it was relief... and I think of how this was my role model, the person I aspire to be like, and wonder how long I can be pulled in different directions and asked to do all the compromising and get the rules changed on me as I'm charging the battle field before my body decides its been enough and starts to betray me like hers did.

Seriously fucked up around here ya'll.
I KNOW I'll be blaming the mass of this on Flo, but to get a call from Sister about the holiday flight plan while Boss is throwing me proprietary (read: SUPER IMPORTANT) stuff to file "with the other ones" and I can't put my mind on where those are because I've got 7 screens open on stuff I was trying to get done from THURSDAY'S emails and 4 piles of "to be done RIGHT NOW" papers in front of me... ooohhhhh, Sassy is grow'n some horns and I'm about to come up with some BULLSHIT of my own!!!

Hey - maybe if a bitch could get LAID it would be a tremendous relief... Tempura is NOT a worthy opponent and frankly I don't have the energy enough to go trolling for a new Stud. Think Freakazoid Auntie would pull out her catalog and buy Sassy something fun to play with for Christmas?? Or Sister could get me a gift certificate?? The additions to my Toy Chest that Sexy overdrew his account to get me are fun, but they were meant for play with 2 people and are a bit awkward when using alone. Fun, motorized, satisfying, but a bit awkward.
And really, with all the fucked up shit changing on me every gawd damned second around here, I am just about ready to call it quits when I can't even keep control over a vibrator!!!!

Maybe its time to get back to the quickies in the bathroom stall... well SHIT, that ain't gonna work because my fingers are all bandaged up from the NEED to have a brewskie NOW last night!!!

How about a beam of brilliant revelation that someday real soon I'll be able to take the dog for a walk and maybe LEAD for like 2 seconds of the hour??? Someone toss me a nugget of peace that in all this alone time at work maybe I'll not be slammed with other people doing my job or micro managing how I do it??? Perhaps a calming snuggle that holidays are BUILT around family and somehow this is for the better???????????

Or, someone ask for my address to drop ship me something to fuck me sideways so I'm so full of dopamine and endorphins that none of this makes a damn lick of difference to my soaring mood... and be sure there is a purse sized version too, I'm all about the mid day fix at this point.