Monday, December 04, 2006

Oh No, Not THAT Again

I'm finding myself in a curious merry go round of turmoil these days.
Maybe its because I've had the same sound boards for about a year now, people in my world who can hold me accountable to who I was and how I've done this before.
Perhaps its just that the vocalization of my woes is letting me remember these verses when they repeat.
Whatever it is, I could either fill this blog with redundancies and embarass myself by reading my archives and realizing that copy/paste would suffice as an accurate portrayal of my current state of mind... or I could knash my teeth here at the indignation of REALIZING that copy/paste would work and marvel at the complexitites of the human mind that would allow me to play and replay the same exact story line year after year and never tire of the woes of me.

I've got power struggles. I don't like being managed, but can't work for myself because even RENT isn't a strong enough motivator to get me out of bed to work.
I have roomie woes. I worry about if Sister will leave me stranded in a lease, if the dog will make it long enough to warrent finding a place that will allow her to live there, if I can just stick it out with [insert degrogatory roomie name here] for a few more months just to keep something in my life stable.
I have guy trouble. The guys who like me as a person have no appeal to me, the ones who treat me like a sex toy I pine for every minute of the day - then resent them for not falling in love with me, knowing full well someone would NEVER fall for their whore.
I hide in alcohol and food and tears and lonliness.

These are the same woes. There is no more Miss Menthol, Mousy, TweedleDee and TweedleDipshit, I've lost my Blondie motivation and tanlines gotten by the pool, but with a whole new set of nicnames and details I am returning to what feels like home - a downturned mouth, a slouch, swollen eyes, full belly, longing for my bathrobe and a bed. I don't really need a reason I guess, turns out that today's list of pet peeves are not that different from last years, but somehow I am worn raw from this constant wearing of hats to hide my inner struggle. Last year I had Sass, this year I'm just cynical and sad.
The worst of it? I truely resent Sexy for giving me a smile. I was really thrilled to have him around, to distract me from real life and escape into fun and comfort and relaxation and peaceful innocent unadulterated laughter and joy. Now I hate him for giving me something to come down from.
Last week I was so sure my shitty streak had ended, that I had triumphed over the last of my troubles, that I could look around my life and see nothing but light, no more tunnels. Today I realize that I let the drama swirl around me so I have a constant reason to be down, that those bright lights were more akin to a sunset, that it really is more work for me to be upbeat and happy and when it comes down to it I really only pretend to have a lust for life.

Or I'm just in the thick of it. Either way, its all so depressing. The worst of it?? It even bores ME. The details wrile me up, the overall content frustrates me, and the best advice I've heard about any of it, the most compellingly soothing comment so far, was "it happens to everyone, we all have to muddle throught this shit, its just how life is." Somehow knowing you all suffer like me makes it better, how twisted is THAT???

Off to not notice that its the time Sexy used to call me to invite me to lunch, snack on veggies so I keep away from the bagel table, have my tea to keep my eyes open, find solace in my solitude as I examine the bowed in box of things I won't get to today, wonder if I can make it home for lunch so maybe a dog kiss can remind me that it really isn't all that bad to be me.... enjoy the sinister delight of knowing that all of you have suffering that has much more to do with real problems than dramatic prose for your internal narrator, remember I'm being a spoiled bitch who's worst ACTUAL struggle is if I'll do whatever I want EVERY day or just MOST days, and decide if Tempura's hot tub is where I'll avoid whining tonight or if it will be a walk down the beach.
Poor me.
I know.
Bite me. =)

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