I've decided to put my foot down.
If I don't have control over anything, the least I can do is CREATE situations where I have all KINDS of control.
Like in Lamer territory.
Seriously, I went to dinner with this guy twice a YEAR ago and he is CONVINCED that I'm 'the one' for him.
OK, so I was a sexy mamajama and I was all about getting laid last fall and I slept with him like 3 times.
And I'm not sure he knew I was dating Him last year (or Sexy this year).
And sure, I have lead him on by taking his calls (when I've been drinking, or when I'm hungry and half way to his place).
But I distinctly remember the conversation when he was trying to get me to Indianapolis (he lives there, he comes 'home' to visit in the slow season) and I said "I am not into you like you are into me, but if you want to fly me to a city I've never been to so you can show me around and try to woo me, I can come up with a weekend when that could work out".
No, you didn't miss the post where I traveled to middle America.
So I'm at work late last night, reading blogs and cleaning up my personal email, and I get a text from Tempura saying "hey, what are you up to tonight?"
Since it was dinner time, and I know everything at my house needs to be cooked (read:dinner is THAT much farther from being chowed), I called him and said I was hungry and asked if he was ready for dinner too.
OK, I caught INSTANTLY the desperation on him.
I played it cool.
I reminded him that he calls when he's bored, so we'd need to come up with something that WASN'T just sitting around being bored.
He said "alright, well, come on over, we can get some dinner in ya, then come on back and I can fuck the shit out of ya."
Right-o, lardass. I said "don't you remember the conversation we had about how I am NOT a walking cum receptical and how I am FUCKING SICK AND TIRED of being used that way? Besides, I'm not up for it, I've been masturbating all day so I'm cool."
Tempura: "oh, really..."
Sassy: "yes, really."
Tempura: "so I guess last time I really didn't, huh, well, ok."
Sassy: "you graded yourself a D+, I refused to comment. I am looking for dinner though, and you call me when you're bored, so if you want a distraction form the norm, I've got an hour I can spend with you."
Tempura: "an hour?? GEE, THANKS. ::under breath:: I guess I really didn't, wow..."
Sassy: "look, I've got a life here, I've got things to do, but I also need dinner, so if you're saying you don't want to buy me $8 in tacos again unless I'm gonna bend over for you, then I guess we've got an answer as to if I'm coming over or not."
Tempura: "I'm getting another call, can I call you back?"
Sassy: ::stunned silence::
Tempura: "hello? can I call you back?"
Sassy: "uh, k."
I got a text about an hour later that he went to a bbq at a friends place. I replied "I got my grub on too."
While he normally sucks at conversation, I'm thinking I've licked the Fuck-Off-I'm-Using-You envelope and am folding it over to be sealed on THAT particular straggling Lamer =)
So thats ALL my Mr. Lamers and Lamers Disguised by Other Names that I can fully expect to never hear from again (keeping their numbers in my phone only to be sure to avoid their calls in the future).
Its with this in mind that I'm dedicating myself to the idea that 2007 is going to be SUCH a good fucking year that I am now determined to cut baggage of yester-fuckup left and right...
1) Moving up at work so I can't say I've been 'only a receptionist' since college.
2) Telling any Lamers who may continue to call to Fuck Off in an outright statement, no matter how hungry or horny I am.
3) Getting the house in order so it feels like OUR place instead of HER place that I stay in.
4) Solidifying good relationships with healthy people who support me for who I am instead of who they want me to be.
5) The car is paid off, and if I work my ASS off in this new job I see no reason why I need to have ANY hanging debt (student loan is all I've got left) by this time next year. I want to be financially stable and have all my monthly commitments be things for ME - house down payment savings account, IRA, investment fund, travel savings account... the dreams grow on.
6) Planning things that I want to do, and not letting anyone fuck with the plans, because this is MY life and if I want to travel or go to dinner or see a band in a bar, I do not need a tag-along to have a good time (remember the fair?? yeah, its my new favorite memory on this point).
7) Maybe this Christmas visit will be my opportunity to look dad in the face and tell him that he needs to apologize for showing me how women are to be treated and explain that I will not allow his dogma to pollute my life anymore - and that means I can't talk to him until he grows up. Then I'll put his number in the Lamer catagory in my phone.
8) And maybe this visit I'll stop by Mom's gravesite and work on that a little more too.
Fine, you want a Top 10 list?? I know you do, hang on, lemme think.
9) I'll stop lying about how many candies I really accept from the coworkers and go to the fresh food market twice a week and commit to the idea that this is not my body's happy weight and that I can change who I've always been.
10) I'm gonna start taking what is coming to me - doctor visits comp'd by the company, as many days off as they pay for, gifts, treats, free lunches, doors held open for me - ANYTHING that means someone is doing something with my best interest in mind, I'll start to accept gracefully and document for reference so the Woe Is Me shit can take a back seat to the Whoa Look At Me bundles of joy Sassy reports.
Yes. Today is a better day. And the chocolate on chocolate cake is being served with Dryers Vanilla Bean ice cream and its about to get a whole lot better ;)