Thursday, December 07, 2006

Building Up

Special thanks to Jamie for his comment. I appreciate you offering your story and reminding me of mine, it really doesn't seem real to read that and know it was me, even though I typed it from this very seat. It got me thinking...

You know when you watch the waves lapping at the sand, how there is the ebb and flow of the water against the earth, and at some point you realize the tide is coming in and the water is continuing the routine of back and forth but the overall gain over the earth is measureable in just a few minutes??

OK, now, it does the same thing when the tide is going out... the regular back and forth, but the noticeable retreat back into itself after its gobbled up your sand castle and footprints and left its trail of seaweed as the marker of its most outward stretch.

Here is the trick - there is a time when you can watch the sea as the tide is going out when the ebb and flow of the rhythmic roll seems to plateau. Like it is relaxed. Like it is glad that the turmoil of reaching toward the mountains is over and it can just be, just rock a little, maybe lick its wounds, and breathe a minute before it gets back to it. The waves are low and slow, doing nothing but what they do, not trying, not achieving, not racing back to the mass of water, just lapping softly. Its like watching a baby sleep to see how comfortable this part of the cycle is.

Somehow, when I witness this, I picture Mother Earth taking her moment alone to focus and ready herself for tomorrow's rolling of the tide, tomorrow's struggle to go farther than she did today, tomorrow's new challenges. I see her building her reserves of strength, getting her affirmations ready, remembering how to stand up straight and telling herself that there is no other way to be but proactive so just understand this is how it works and you will do it all again, but not til tomorrow.
I'm taking notice that I operate in a similar fashion - very consistently doing the same back and forth, but with ever increasingly gains over where I haven't been, followed by the curling into myself to ready for the next round of accomplishments.

I've been in the reach out and retreat cycle for many many years now, thinking the work I do on myself is for the purpose of getting people in my world... and as soon as ONE PERSON shows up I stop thinking of myself and get distracted by them. If lots of people get drawn into my world, I have even more reason to focus elsewhere. And then, I fall back onto myself, letting them all go, and wait patiently for the self nurturing moment of pause to return, and know that I must understand that struggles are part of how life goes and hope that the next time I put myself out there, that I fiercely proactively put myself into the world, I remember that I don't have to neglect myself to do it.

Well, I'm pulling back. I've left my mark, I'm satisfied with these efforts, I've embarassed myself and am ashamed that I continue to repeat these same follies on every attempt to take on the world and have a whole new handful of things I will take with me to my comfort zone to polish up for my return to the big bad world.

I start my new job January 8th, after one week of training my replacement starting January 1st.
Sister and Spaz are both of the idea that a roomie change January first is a bit soon, so that is penciled in for February.
I'm sending my check to pay off the car today. The pink slip might make it to me by Christmas.
I'm wasting some TV time zoned out with Lamer's of various degrees, finding out how to sit politely through dinner and not reach for my wallet, remembering how to get a guy begging for my number in 15 minutes, learning how to gently remove his tongue from my mouth and request that we learn each others names before he tries it again, and overall getting over my rebound guy.
I'm enjoying every second of having an old dog, letting her lead the way to new blocks in our neighborhood, dancing to the iPod tunes on the sidewalk as she meanders on people's lawns.
Once the benifits kick in, I'll make an appointment day to get me checked up on - teeth cleaned, vagina probed, moles checked, spine aligned, psyche scrambled.

In the mean time, I take a moment each morning to listen for the ocean waves. I remember that some things are just bigger than me, that its always happening no matter how I feel about it or what I do to try to gain control of it. Then I jump into the shower and prepare to use my natural ebb and flo to work my way just one more inch of difference over yesterday's mark on the world.


vincentblackshadow said...

Dog and iPod good day make

Miss Sassy said...

Vince - I agree. I think I'm taking the afternoon off the day job to go participate in just those two things ;)

vincentblackshadow said...

Do it, do it now

Mom of Three said...

Hey, that's all we can try to do...leave the place a little better than we found it.

Promotion? How much extra $$$???????

Had my parts peered into last week. My gyn has one of those head lamps, so he looked like a miner...

Miss Sassy said...

Vince - I did!! I told the girls I was leaving for lunch and asked boss if it would be the worst thing if I didn't come back. She said "if your sick, your sick". I spent the afternoon walking the beach and winking at surfers =)

MOT - not even trying for better, just reach what I did yesterday, and then maybe catch up to where I should be by ONE INCH today!!!

Promo - well, part of the reason I was sick on Friday was I was told what the money would be... basically, its a GREAT rate if I would be working 40 hours a week, but since the job means I'll work a minimum of 47.5 hours a week for 2 weeks a month, it works out that I would have asked for that hourly rate to stay in the position I'm in. And since I was given reason to believe I would make DOUBLE the increase I've been given, I'm a little wondering how the commission figures in.

Totally not looking forward to any doc visits, but maybe its cuz my family is of the "ain't broke, don't fix it" mentality - and every time someone in my family goes to the doc the come back surgeried and stiched up or with a pocket of new "take for the rest of your life" pills or diabetic or in an urn. We'll see if I can get over that when I make these appts...

Miss Sassy said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Jamie said...

Well, I hate to say it, but if you need Celexa or something like it, you will need it for the rest of your life most likely. But it'll be a good thing.
Hopefully, you'll get a good doctor, and they will get you back on track.
If this works out, maybe my next project will be to get you a steady man... :-)

Miss Sassy said...

Jamie - surely we understand that part of the trouble is the men I get =) Surely, as a long time stalker, you remember the boredom of my singledom, the monotony of a healthy lifestyle, the hum drum of nothing to look forward to but a wink from a gym rat that would send me into Fantasyland for a good 2 weeks.
Its when I get what I want, a man who calls and that I can call, that I get all screwy.

And you PROMISE that this particular drug is easy on the libido curbing? As much as it gets me in trouble, I don't know WHAT I'd do without my Mojo...

Jamie said...

I don't know how curbing it would be, or even if you'd be on the same thing. It has definately had some effect, but it's not a total stopper like some of the drugs are supposed to be.
Besides these things affect everyone differently. But, if you don't like it, you can always go back off it. (although you'd have to ease off it, or the withdawl could be unpleasant).