Tuesday, September 26, 2006

My Green Eyed Monster

Sexy is so into me he can't see straight.

I am like a pig in shit with an idiots grin about it.

I went to the gym last night, finished my dance class, went to say hi to Sexy at the front desk, bumped into the newly-friendly-for-no-reason Blondie (from WAYYYYYY back, same cutie, same blonde hair, same deep blue eyes, same insecure giggle of a laugh) who played my "should I stay and press weights or go home and walk the neighborhood?" like an expert with the "don't chump out, come press your body weight with your pinky!". Ended up chatting it up with Blondie at the water fountain, complete with hair flipping and belly laughs... spent the evening adding weights to machines and trying not to break form with a mid press giggle. Turns out I'm kinda pretty buff - and Blondie knew just about exactly how much that meant in Chick terms.
Yeah, so I'm happy that I got a workout, thrilled that I FELT something when I did it, and that it wasn't torture!!!!! ah, I could get used to paying for THIS. I walk Blondie to the front door, start giving the front desk crew some shit as I approach, wave bye to my new bestest buddie, and take up my post as the Token Chick at the circle jerk of guys Sexy plays with in the evenings.
And the shit slingen begins.
Maximus (as in Assholeous Maximus, aka Sexy's housemate as of the end of the week) is a bit of a testosterone tool, and while it is fun to watch Sexy be a guy, the two of them forget to be sensible for a female. Blondie's name came up about 39848305 times in the next 20 minutes... when Max finally left, I reminded Sexy that "if we can talk about the two girls you're trying to land at school, I can workout with someone" and offered a handshake - he took it and conceeded that I had a good point.
Sexy then engages me in enough conversation to have him locking the doors and walking me to my car. He had been asking if I had movies to watch, then flat out said "I just want to spend some time with you tonight". ::blink:: :: kegal twitch:: ::hide smile so I don't blush while he watches:: He follows me home, whispers in the house, follows me upstairs, pets the dogs with me, lays me on top of him as he leans back on the bed... and proceeds to kiss and touch me like he's in love with me!!!! Girls, Guys, Ya'll, I'm not kidding - I had forgotten what that felt like!!! I'm so used to using sex to gain the fancy of guys that I actually stopped mid kiss (he leaned up to continue, eyes lusty, hands stroking my back, not wanting me to leave) and said "what happened to you?" He kissed me, gently under the ear, didn't answer, just kept loving me.
We eventually had some sex, even with Flo in town... laying in the shower =) New one, I like it, and you can stay hydrated! He washed my hair, soaped me up, dryed me off, left me to do my girly crap in the bathroom, then silently we danced in the hallway for him to brush his teeth. We slept curled around each other, breathing each others breath, hard and fast and through the night. I woke up 5 minutes to my alarm, rolled over to see him looking right into me as he wrapped me up and kissed me. He had to go get changed (oh, and his books for class) so he left me with another kiss.
I rolled out of bed, washed my face, brushed my teeth, looked up into the mirror and found a big ol goofy light from within and shining through my eyes smile that would NOT LEAVE ME ALONE - my morning was a fit of starts to get dressed and pack my gym bag between the all emcompassing joy of the FEELING of being desired as a PERSON, not a sex object.

Its been hours, my cheeks are still burning a bit.
And to top it off, my ass hurts from the power squats Blondie had me doing, so my body really feels as energized as my head... on 5 hours of sleep I am sitting here with no stimulants and getting more work done and with more clarity of mind than I've had in days.

So here we are, I'm falling, he is certainly falling, and the only sure and fast way to solidify that he wants me is to flaunt that I can have someone else =)=)
My Green Eyed Monster - Tamed.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Ah, the Fun of it All

Its been a wild ride these last few days ya'll, lemme tell ya!!!!
I decided I hate the drive to and from work enough to look for a new place to live... picked the day that the entire north side of the county was getting an ASH SHOWER from the fires on the other side of the hill from where I want to live. Nevermind that, I had been frustrated enough by trying to make a tuna sandwich at home - first, the cans that were tuna last week were replaced, in teh exact place in the cabinet, and backwards, with tuna FOR CATS... so I find a can of soup that isn't revolting and I can not find a can opener to save my sanity... 7 cork pullers of various sizes and atrocious contraptionisity -that even the smoke in my hair and lungs didn't deter my spirit!! Got a call from Mr. I'm Totally Sucked Up On YOU Cool Ass Chick To Hang Out With And Bone, aka Mr. Sexy, on his way back into town from his weekend trip as I'm scraping ash from my back window so I can avoid getting ass rammed when I slam on the brakes for a "for rent" sign... he needed company on the long drive and asked me to tell him more about ME!!!!
He is just so cute about the whole "ssooooooo... what would you do if I told you I was sleeping with someone else?" and then "where are you? what are you doing? can I come do that with you? why aren't you stalking me at work tonight? what about that story from when you were 8 years old? why aren't you snuggled up with me yet?" stuff that somehow, to ME, sounds like he has a girlfriend, but for the I'm Too Young To Be Tied Down Freakout Factor we can't be labeled anything so I just call him daily and wink at him incessantly and touch him as much as possible to convince him that he does NOT have a girlfriend. Cuz I'm a Cool Ass Chick like that. :muah:
Anyway, so I'm all freaked out about why we are having the "where are we" talk, then the weekend to wait for Flo and feed her salty chocolatey greasy crunchy late night early morning how about a Goober craving out of fucking nowhere cater to every desire only to have her bail on the whole WELCOME festivities AGAIN while letting every Meg Ryan movie ever made get me looking like I'm swelling from a bee sting allergy to the face, then decide to take my life into my own hands and find a new place to live and then get sucked into the gigling giddy blushing teasing lurve sick puppydog stuff before sunset on Sunday.
Yeah, its a fun ride being a hormonal basketcase with a crush and a 3 day salt binge bloat, you guys should try it. Cheaper than Disneyland, and you get to slap kids out of your way without security being called on you =)

moving on... so I come to work Monday for the FuckAss Monday Morning Meeting that obligates me to a 9.5 hour workday. Cuz we all know we need more Monday in our lives, right??? yeah, so the new girl started this week, the one that got the seat I was going to get promoted to (no hurt feelings, its better this way, but come on) and my boss doesn't show up. Not for the meeting, not for the entire MORNING. By the end of the day, she is trying to let us know what SHOULD have happened first thing of the day... the three of us who were waiting at 7:30am for our leader to dictate the new rules to us look blankly back at her, then I say "I appreciate your checking up on this stuff, but we did that this morning, just the way you said we should, when you weren't here". She gets all perky and says what a good team she has and bebops her way back across the room... my would-be manager looks at me, I look at her, she looks at the new girl, looks back at me, and smiles the weary grin of a manager with a new trainee at the end of a 9 hour day.
At this point I thought "the worst is over".
The sun moon and stars heard this, talked it over with the spirits and gods and mother earth and they all decided to show me how TOTALLY ARROGANT I was with this thought. I don't remember all of it... I do remember filling the dog kibble bowls only to catch the lip on the water dish and toss kibble across the entire kitchen and filling the water dish to boot; being completely out of it mentally while fidgeting and twitching and fumbling anything in my hands due to the caffeine kick I tried to open my eyes with; feeling totally vindicated in my phobia of doorways and enterances and thresholds when I didn't look down when I came back from lunch and ripped the entire bottom of my heel off in the doorjam, leaving the head of the nail to walk on the rest of the day; my phone didn't charge the night before and faded to its death when I tried to call the numbers under "RENTAL" to kill the afternoon lull - I had 4 messages and 3 texts when I plugged it in last night, more than I've had in the last week combined; thought I'd be careful on the drive home and keep 2 hands on the wheel after I tried to apply lipstick in the parking garage (still parked mind you) and smeared the fine edge down the window, to the plastic, and into the upholstry on the door; went around the corner for the "18 pack of cheeeeep swill beer for $11" and managed to rip open the "open here" side of the box as I laid it on the floorboard which made me feel AWSOME when the cop turned his lights on behind me (he needed me out of his way and everyone ELSE was too afraid to go the speed limit so I slam on the gas and then realize "fuck you're an idiot" until he can pass me); uummmm those are the highlights I guess...
How about this for a BWAHAHAHA to the heavens - as soon as I broke open a can of alcoholic refuge and pounded that bad boy, cracked another and headed upstairs to sort laundry, all the fuck ups stopped. Yeah, I get TOSSED from not eating for 6 hours before chugging 2 beers in 15 minutes flat, and suddenly I am coordinated and well spoken and in good spirits and free of all freaky shitty coincidental bitch slaps of humility!!! Not a good lesson, now that I have found EVERY restaurant in the 5 block radius that serves beer with lunch...
Then Mr. Sexy reached out to ask why he hadn't seen me in the gym, asked if he could see me after work, and VWA LA I was back to the tippy top of good spirits in 2.3 seconds FLAT.
Not much sleep last night, but he did need me to curl up in the crook of his arm before he would go to sleep, so that cutsie gag me for the adorableness of it tidbit had me grinning right through his spastic body twitches and worry of his bicep giving me a crook in my neck until the hug-and-roll let he AND I sleep with more appropriate body/sleep contact - the pads of our feet cupping each other, his arms flailing between dreams, my hair nowhere in his mouth =)

And there you have the update of the week for the world of Miss Sassy... actually Would Be Manager calls me Sassy in real life if you can wrap your brain around THAT nugget of whatthefuckedness... Off to see what kind of damage control I need to apply for today's slew of meetings and managerial decisions...

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

I'm Falling

Its kinda fun, to see yourself falling into an abyss of happiness and endorphine rushes... but when you can still see the scars from the last time, there is an innate hesitation.
Nothing to keep me from smiling at the thought of the way he pets my head at a stoplight, or lights up when I walk up to him at the gym, or at how easily I have fallen into sync with him... just a bit of a 'whoa there' when someone asks me if I've told him I love him yet. I was shocked, but this kind older (70's) gentleman who has danced next to me for the better part of a year and watched me grow through many Lamer's and roomie fights and work and family dramas was being my friend - he said "who says how long it's supposed to take? You're obviously smitten with him, so why not tell him?"
I tell him he's not going anywhere. How his tri-colored eyes mesmerize me. I thank him for not even hinting that I owe him for the dinner he paid for. I emphatically invite him to spend every non-working or schooling moment in my presence just so I can feel my soul lift.
But to tell him I love him, to his face... well, that has backfired on me every time.
Then again, we've had the "everyone I've ever cared about cheats on me, so I'll be joking about your other girlfriends until you stutter on the reply" conversation, and I've found a sore spot of his as well.

I don't know. Maybe I'm seeking something serious and reading too much into it (see, C, I caught your comment before you even THOUGHT it!). Or maybe there is something so EASY about being with Sexy that I can pick up the work phone and walk him through his frustrating afternoon without catching his ick or tisking his flamboyant responses to mild setbacks or even flaunting how easily I am doing what he was trying to do. And if I can get anything EASY in my world right now, I'm going to hang onto it like a pirate to a first time booty baby!!!
Plus, he's fucking HOT and he's into me too and the passion in the bedroom (kitchen, shower, on the couch, in his car, in my car) gets me all a twitter and his laugh makes me smile and I can still make him blush even after he told me the deep secrets he won't tell any of his friends.

Is this what a functional, independent, healthy, cooperative, loving relationship feels like?? How could anyone say being single is better if this is what the alternative is supposed to be?

(no time to edit, needed to blab about something happy before the clusterfuck of a day turned my head to mush)

Friday, September 08, 2006

Today Was a Good Day


Got to work on time. Wait, walked into the office with my makeup set, my tummy full, my hair sprayed, and looking all KINDS of sharp. Had the lobby door held for me, got an elevator that didn't stop before my floor (15th up means a lot of "wanna puke yet?" stops on some days), and the one person I had to chit chat on the way up not only hit on me but offered to buy me a drink at lunch.
So I'm in the office. The receptionist we are supposed to fire to meet a budgetary red line in the sand isn't fired. This means I come in and the work I had at the desk when I left last night is done when I show up. Plus she and I get along so I get to BS about anything for 10-15 min a day. BRILLIANT.
Work. Well, yesterday I was a bit overwhelmed with delicate info and situations and it was all a bit terrifying. Today, I just pulled out my To Do list and started doing them. New stuff got added and CROSSED THE FUCK RIGHT OFF. Booya, I KNEW I could pull off this job and the FedEx guy getting my package as he emptied the bin at 4:30:02pm is my proof. And the boss brought pies back from lunch. There are THREE of us in the office, and she brings us TWO pies. There is something about sucking whipped cream off the end of your finger while on a work phone call that is just delightfully sinful and worth repeating. Maybe for breakfast, we'll see.
Socially, I was on my game. The chick at the Hawaiian bbq place I had lunch at was eating up all my jokes and stalls as I tried to find the perfect plate of comfort food. 3 kinds of seared bbq'd meats next to mac salad and rice on top of cabbage shreds. Bottle of bbq sauce on the table and I was flat out grubbin on short ribs and chicken and beef that was so good I had the next table look over at my first-taste moan. The coworkers wondered what I did at lunch because of the grease smear at my lips and the unrelenting smile on my face. Oh, and they met Sexy last week, so they have a visual of what I could be smiling about.
Right, the guys, they were responding to my Sassy ass all day too!
Mr. Techie with the emails and then the personal email addy talks and then the end of day "I promise I have a work question so please pick up the phone!" email from me that had us laughing our asses off all the way until the phones shut off.
Mr. Sexy with the look around for witnesses before the wink and "so how about tonight? can I come over tonight?"and the sheepish grin and look to the floor when I asked if he needed to write my number down somewhere in case he looses his phone for three days and then asks if he can come over. We will fuck like monkeys and do his trig homework, he'll be here in 15 minutes.
And the gym rats were SWARMING... I mean the instructors of classes I take, the front desk guys, the membership guys that hang out and wait for a friend of a member to need a tour, the guys in class that never talked to me the 6 months I saw them once a week.
Yeah, my mojo is fuckin ON POINT. And its the full moon. My boobs are swelling RIGHT NOW. My face is clearing, the sleep pattern is normalizing, the hormones are in the middle of the pendulum swing and I am LOVING IT!!!
Oh, and I talked to just about every friend I have in the last two days and have come to grips with the fact that I will be moving soon. This place isn't worth the extra $100 a month they will be charging come Nov. 1st so this chick is on the hunt for a big room with an attached bathroom and a backyard with a dog for My Georgeous Girl to play with while I'm out workin my Sass to the bone. OR getting boned. Or making sure my muscles stick to my bones. Or eating some meat off a bone.
Shut up. Sexy will be here in 10 minutes, I'm a little distracted.

Yeah, so I can still see the scroll bar so I THINK you can make it without a potty break. I'm trying, give me a little credit. Off to powder my cootch and febreeze the bedspread...

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Minor Annoyances

1) If you walk in without an appointment, have me tell you the person you want to talk to is at lunch, then get all nice and say "that door slam behind you, that was her walking in, take a seat and I'll let her know you're here", THEN you hear me put 3 calls to her desk AND you know she was on a call before you shut your whinny trap so I could let her know you were here… yeah, do NOT come up to my desk and say "um, how long is this going to take?" because I will leave you to ROT out here with me. Fucking inconsiderate freak. I remember you. It took 4 scheduled appointments for you to show up. Then you disappeared off the face of the earth when we tried to get you a job and here you are a month later, walking in with glitter and flowey neon green fabric all over, thinking that in two seconds the busy person I've ever MET will drop everything to get you a job just because you walked in??? Sit your skeezy ass down and be patient.

2) We are all busy. Please don't make taking a phone call the end of the world. Sometimes cute and fun, other times it really fucks with my routine of TAKING CALLS. I don't want the calls either, but whining about every one makes ME whine about every one, and one of these times I'll whine as I take the call and that isn't really good for business, is it?? No. So pretend you like it and let me do my job. Thank you.

3) Being sucked up on someone is really not good for me. I'm totally distracted and worthless to the world at large. I find myself checking my phone every three minutes because I haven't heard from him in TWO DAYS. Yeah, we've known each other for like 3 weeks and I couldn't make it to 24 hours without a text to see what he was up to. Fuck. I'm like that freaky stalker chick. A little. I can admit that. Keeps me from CALLING every time I pick up the phone to see if he called. Oh, and I accidentally (no, seriously, I was drunk and I couldn't work my fingers) saved his profile as my wallpaper when I took a pic of him at our Dodger Date Night over the weekend. So THAT isn't helping a thing – ok, so he didn't call, but look how cute he is!!! Stupid female hormones, making me all noodley inside. Is this what people normally feel like when they date someone?? Lamers are SO much easier to deal with.

4) Speaking of… do NOT blow me off for a nooner, get cut off when you call 2 weeks later and be so stoned you can't remember to try to call back, THEN wait 3 weeks to send a text of "hey, wanna have a fuck fest today?" when you realize you have the day off and were to loaded to plan anything to do. And respect a Sassy for not saying "had one yesterday" or "your fat ass can jerk yourself off you lazy bastard" or "make your mommy do it while she does your laundry and cooks your dinner you codependent freak"… and simply replying "no fest for me today". Yeah. I know. Tell him to fuck off. But he works around the corner and sometimes free lunch happens. Plus he can't be stoned mid day so he might be able to, um, remember I EXIST if he buys me a salad bar.

5) My body is kinda getting on my nerves. The incessant hair regrowth when it is SSSOOOO obvious by the constant razor burn that I DO NOT want hair there; the zit formation that is more like synchronized swimmers of goo in my pores than any normal adult acne; the fucking sinus infection/allergic reaction/head cold that refuses to disappear no matter how many tissues I blow apart or how much sleep I get or how much alcohol I drink to kill it all; the pounds I keep hanging on to for no reason so I feel like I want chocolate cake to feel better but hate thinking that so in turn I HATE eating salad because its not making a difference anyway; and that fucking stench of sex that will NOT leave me no matter how much I think of baseball stats or firey car crashes or the snot in my head… my body is simply always ready for sex and jeebus forbid I don't have to pee for 2 hours because THEN my panties get wet with joy juice and make me sit in hot wet sex smell all day. Yeah, TMI, whatever, its getting on my nerves that I can't NOT be thinking of sex, nakedness, Mr. Sexy, or masturbation during ANY part of my regular existence.

6) Post lunch apathy. I KNEW this would happen. I tried to avoid it. I tried to work while I ate. There is just something about this desk and the "don't call back until 3pm" and the "wait til they are done before using the printer" and all that nonsense that makes after lunch a time to kill more than a time to work and its starting to get on my nerves that I keep thinking weekend hours are necessary to take care of getting my job done when I am here for at least an hour a day paralyzed by "now what??". And then the sex thoughts creep in, then I wonder if Mr. Sexy has called, then I want to check my phone, then I want to check my email, THEN I get a whiff of a second wind and try to shuffle papers until something I can work on hits the top and then the phone rings and I get distracted picking my cuticles until they tell me something I can work with and before I know it I've opened a word doc to tippety tap some minor frustrations out so I can concentrate and VOILA I'm half way down the second page before I even THINK about cracking my fingers and getting into the topic.
Yes, I was a GENIUS at the 5 minute free write in high school. And the 25 page term paper started the night before it was due. This shit just flows and sometimes you all are lucky enough to catch a glipse.

Oh, and since I kinda buzzed over it – Mr. Sexy and I went on a real date to a real event in a real city on Saturday night. We laughed, talked, flirted, kissed, smiled, stared into each others eyes, shared buffalo wings and hot dogs and vodka drinks and had a wonderful time just hangen out. My friends tell me this is what I'm SUPPOSED to be treated like and not to FREAK OUT because I've got a guy interested in me. Well, I'll try to get used to not being treated like last weeks garbage if he can validate all this by returning my phone call. Happy thoughts people…