1) If you walk in without an appointment, have me tell you the person you want to talk to is at lunch, then get all nice and say "that door slam behind you, that was her walking in, take a seat and I'll let her know you're here", THEN you hear me put 3 calls to her desk AND you know she was on a call before you shut your whinny trap so I could let her know you were here… yeah, do NOT come up to my desk and say "um, how long is this going to take?" because I will leave you to ROT out here with me. Fucking inconsiderate freak. I remember you. It took 4 scheduled appointments for you to show up. Then you disappeared off the face of the earth when we tried to get you a job and here you are a month later, walking in with glitter and flowey neon green fabric all over, thinking that in two seconds the busy person I've ever MET will drop everything to get you a job just because you walked in??? Sit your skeezy ass down and be patient.
2) We are all busy. Please don't make taking a phone call the end of the world. Sometimes cute and fun, other times it really fucks with my routine of TAKING CALLS. I don't want the calls either, but whining about every one makes ME whine about every one, and one of these times I'll whine as I take the call and that isn't really good for business, is it?? No. So pretend you like it and let me do my job. Thank you.
3) Being sucked up on someone is really not good for me. I'm totally distracted and worthless to the world at large. I find myself checking my phone every three minutes because I haven't heard from him in TWO DAYS. Yeah, we've known each other for like 3 weeks and I couldn't make it to 24 hours without a text to see what he was up to. Fuck. I'm like that freaky stalker chick. A little. I can admit that. Keeps me from CALLING every time I pick up the phone to see if he called. Oh, and I accidentally (no, seriously, I was drunk and I couldn't work my fingers) saved his profile as my wallpaper when I took a pic of him at our Dodger Date Night over the weekend. So THAT isn't helping a thing – ok, so he didn't call, but look how cute he is!!! Stupid female hormones, making me all noodley inside. Is this what people normally feel like when they date someone?? Lamers are SO much easier to deal with.
4) Speaking of… do NOT blow me off for a nooner, get cut off when you call 2 weeks later and be so stoned you can't remember to try to call back, THEN wait 3 weeks to send a text of "hey, wanna have a fuck fest today?" when you realize you have the day off and were to loaded to plan anything to do. And respect a Sassy for not saying "had one yesterday" or "your fat ass can jerk yourself off you lazy bastard" or "make your mommy do it while she does your laundry and cooks your dinner you codependent freak"… and simply replying "no fest for me today". Yeah. I know. Tell him to fuck off. But he works around the corner and sometimes free lunch happens. Plus he can't be stoned mid day so he might be able to, um, remember I EXIST if he buys me a salad bar.
5) My body is kinda getting on my nerves. The incessant hair regrowth when it is SSSOOOO obvious by the constant razor burn that I DO NOT want hair there; the zit formation that is more like synchronized swimmers of goo in my pores than any normal adult acne; the fucking sinus infection/allergic reaction/head cold that refuses to disappear no matter how many tissues I blow apart or how much sleep I get or how much alcohol I drink to kill it all; the pounds I keep hanging on to for no reason so I feel like I want chocolate cake to feel better but hate thinking that so in turn I HATE eating salad because its not making a difference anyway; and that fucking stench of sex that will NOT leave me no matter how much I think of baseball stats or firey car crashes or the snot in my head… my body is simply always ready for sex and jeebus forbid I don't have to pee for 2 hours because THEN my panties get wet with joy juice and make me sit in hot wet sex smell all day. Yeah, TMI, whatever, its getting on my nerves that I can't NOT be thinking of sex, nakedness, Mr. Sexy, or masturbation during ANY part of my regular existence.
6) Post lunch apathy. I KNEW this would happen. I tried to avoid it. I tried to work while I ate. There is just something about this desk and the "don't call back until 3pm" and the "wait til they are done before using the printer" and all that nonsense that makes after lunch a time to kill more than a time to work and its starting to get on my nerves that I keep thinking weekend hours are necessary to take care of getting my job done when I am here for at least an hour a day paralyzed by "now what??". And then the sex thoughts creep in, then I wonder if Mr. Sexy has called, then I want to check my phone, then I want to check my email, THEN I get a whiff of a second wind and try to shuffle papers until something I can work on hits the top and then the phone rings and I get distracted picking my cuticles until they tell me something I can work with and before I know it I've opened a word doc to tippety tap some minor frustrations out so I can concentrate and VOILA I'm half way down the second page before I even THINK about cracking my fingers and getting into the topic.
Yes, I was a GENIUS at the 5 minute free write in high school. And the 25 page term paper started the night before it was due. This shit just flows and sometimes you all are lucky enough to catch a glipse.
Oh, and since I kinda buzzed over it – Mr. Sexy and I went on a real date to a real event in a real city on Saturday night. We laughed, talked, flirted, kissed, smiled, stared into each others eyes, shared buffalo wings and hot dogs and vodka drinks and had a wonderful time just hangen out. My friends tell me this is what I'm SUPPOSED to be treated like and not to FREAK OUT because I've got a guy interested in me. Well, I'll try to get used to not being treated like last weeks garbage if he can validate all this by returning my phone call. Happy thoughts people…