Its kinda fun, to see yourself falling into an abyss of happiness and endorphine rushes... but when you can still see the scars from the last time, there is an innate hesitation.
Nothing to keep me from smiling at the thought of the way he pets my head at a stoplight, or lights up when I walk up to him at the gym, or at how easily I have fallen into sync with him... just a bit of a 'whoa there' when someone asks me if I've told him I love him yet. I was shocked, but this kind older (70's) gentleman who has danced next to me for the better part of a year and watched me grow through many Lamer's and roomie fights and work and family dramas was being my friend - he said "who says how long it's supposed to take? You're obviously smitten with him, so why not tell him?"
I tell him he's not going anywhere. How his tri-colored eyes mesmerize me. I thank him for not even hinting that I owe him for the dinner he paid for. I emphatically invite him to spend every non-working or schooling moment in my presence just so I can feel my soul lift.
But to tell him I love him, to his face... well, that has backfired on me every time.
Then again, we've had the "everyone I've ever cared about cheats on me, so I'll be joking about your other girlfriends until you stutter on the reply" conversation, and I've found a sore spot of his as well.
I don't know. Maybe I'm seeking something serious and reading too much into it (see, C, I caught your comment before you even THOUGHT it!). Or maybe there is something so EASY about being with Sexy that I can pick up the work phone and walk him through his frustrating afternoon without catching his ick or tisking his flamboyant responses to mild setbacks or even flaunting how easily I am doing what he was trying to do. And if I can get anything EASY in my world right now, I'm going to hang onto it like a pirate to a first time booty baby!!!
Plus, he's fucking HOT and he's into me too and the passion in the bedroom (kitchen, shower, on the couch, in his car, in my car) gets me all a twitter and his laugh makes me smile and I can still make him blush even after he told me the deep secrets he won't tell any of his friends.
Is this what a functional, independent, healthy, cooperative, loving relationship feels like?? How could anyone say being single is better if this is what the alternative is supposed to be?
(no time to edit, needed to blab about something happy before the clusterfuck of a day turned my head to mush)