Its kinda fun, to see yourself falling into an abyss of happiness and endorphine rushes... but when you can still see the scars from the last time, there is an innate hesitation.
Nothing to keep me from smiling at the thought of the way he pets my head at a stoplight, or lights up when I walk up to him at the gym, or at how easily I have fallen into sync with him... just a bit of a 'whoa there' when someone asks me if I've told him I love him yet. I was shocked, but this kind older (70's) gentleman who has danced next to me for the better part of a year and watched me grow through many Lamer's and roomie fights and work and family dramas was being my friend - he said "who says how long it's supposed to take? You're obviously smitten with him, so why not tell him?"
I tell him he's not going anywhere. How his tri-colored eyes mesmerize me. I thank him for not even hinting that I owe him for the dinner he paid for. I emphatically invite him to spend every non-working or schooling moment in my presence just so I can feel my soul lift.
But to tell him I love him, to his face... well, that has backfired on me every time.
Then again, we've had the "everyone I've ever cared about cheats on me, so I'll be joking about your other girlfriends until you stutter on the reply" conversation, and I've found a sore spot of his as well.
I don't know. Maybe I'm seeking something serious and reading too much into it (see, C, I caught your comment before you even THOUGHT it!). Or maybe there is something so EASY about being with Sexy that I can pick up the work phone and walk him through his frustrating afternoon without catching his ick or tisking his flamboyant responses to mild setbacks or even flaunting how easily I am doing what he was trying to do. And if I can get anything EASY in my world right now, I'm going to hang onto it like a pirate to a first time booty baby!!!
Plus, he's fucking HOT and he's into me too and the passion in the bedroom (kitchen, shower, on the couch, in his car, in my car) gets me all a twitter and his laugh makes me smile and I can still make him blush even after he told me the deep secrets he won't tell any of his friends.
Is this what a functional, independent, healthy, cooperative, loving relationship feels like?? How could anyone say being single is better if this is what the alternative is supposed to be?
(no time to edit, needed to blab about something happy before the clusterfuck of a day turned my head to mush)
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4 comments:
Mental health abounds! Halleluyah.
I love this phase. Enjoy. You only get so many of those wonderful first phases in life.
Monty - this whole time I thought it was a picture of a mouse... now that I know its the Kalico markings, I see the cat!
As for the mental health, wondering about the 3 days with no call didn't feel very healthy, but if you say so!!!
MOT - I'm trying with every bit of my being to smile about it every chance I can... there is something that keeps my face stone cold though, and THAT I am worried about. See us together though, and you can't get me to stop smiling like a fretard.
Heh. :)
...And maybe you're not. Maybe you like the guy and are just leary of losing a good thing.
I think there are two sides to this. First, if you really love someone, you will fucking know it. There will be no doubt.
And if someone loves you back, you will fucking know that too. There will be no question.
So the part about saying "I love you' is a good reinforcement for both. But you can't let the stigma of a past experience sour you on saying it. Or expecting to hear it. Because the way I see it, if it is really a 'love' thing, the words aren't going to change it. On the other hand, if it ain't really a love thing, the words won't change that either. But it will get the truth out in the open. Is there a future or is it entertainment? At least you'll know what to expect.
Anyway, it's good to see you so stoked. The mojo - she is good. ()
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