I'm Melting

I'm not kidding.

I woke up this morning at 8:45am for no reason except I was too hot to sleep.
This is after waiting until 1am to go upstairs last night because I refused to sleep on the couch.
Well, I was there all day and passed out from the heat three times, but shut up.
It was STILL.SO.FUCKING.HOT. at 1:30am that even in my heat induced coma, I couldn't actually sleep. To boot, my dog was panting enough to create a breeze of her own and I felt just awful about it. So I got the both of us cool towels to lay under. She appreciated it, but couldn't sit under a towel no matter what. I finally convinced her she didn't have to sleep with me and could hijack some floor space from T.
T got a new window sized AC unit from her sister who bought it when her central AC went out. After checking the electric bill (do we all remember what happened when Squeeky and K got heaters for their rooms??), she decided $15 a month was worth being comfortable in her room.
T came home last night at 11pm and reported it was 93* out. Its been dark for hours at this point ya'll. This isn't a sun vs. shade issue at 11pm. This may have been an accurate reading. Which means my house is holding onto however hot it was at 4pm and is ready to cool down to whatever it is outside.
93*.
OK. So its 1:30am, My Georgeous Girl has finally remembered the 4 times I marched her into T's room and said "stay. sleep. be happy my love." and throws T's door open. Well, this gets them all up. T takes a piss while I try to wrangle the two cats and two dogs back into her room before she gets back. T's room was 75* at that point. Her carpet shocked my feet with the cold. I am LIVID that she won't leave the door open, but I'll just take that towel soaked in cold water and sleep under that.
No big.
Until I wake up at 8:45am. T had to be at work at 8am. Both dogs are drooling puddles and panting while laying next to my box spring on the floor I call a bedroom set. I am rolling to the beat of their breathes. My skin has been sitting in a wet towel for 7 hours. The fan blades are click click click clicking against the box that contains them. My weekends usually entail sleeping til noon, taking a shower, puting on a bikini, tanning while reading a book or magazine, taking a dip in the pool, then thinking about all the stuff I could do but instead melting into the couch with a cool beverage and remote and hoping it chills enough to get up to my room at a reasonable time.
Yeah. So today I know the dogs will finally go downstairs and sleep on the tiles and I can get some shut eye. I roll the barely wet but still cool towel off me, roll over, and instantly know that the pillow is too hot to be comfortable. I roll the other way, pull a pillow from the bottom of the stack, and THAT one is also too hot to sleep on.
"Fuckity fuckin this is some bullshit ain't it FUCK" is the first sentance I uttered today.
The dogs instantly pop up and try to be excited to see me but can only muster a "hey, my mouth is wide open to pant not smile give me a fuckin break and help a hair covered beast out would ya!"
I let them outside. I decide to take a shower. I pull back the curtain, place my left hand on the oposite tile wall, lean in over the toilet to turn on the water, and nearly faceplant onto the spout because of that silly "hey this is fuckin hot I can't touch it any more so back the fuck off of it" reflex.
Thats right. At 9am, the tile of my shower wall was so hot my hand couldn't tell me it was scalding hot before jerking violently away from it.
FUCK.

My body is revolting against being boiled and I feel every orifice leaking out.
No, I didn't eat a narely mexican dinner that was left out.
No, Aunt Flo has decided this is an inhospitable environment and REFUSES to visit, though she dropped her bags off THURSDAY at lunch (just in time for me to call Mr. Lamer #2 and say "we had plans tonight, if its a party of three, do you still want me over?" Its SUNDAY. No Flo. What a bitch.)
Yes, I am drinking 20 oz of water every 90 minutes.
No, I haven't peed yet this weekend. Not. Kidding. Not. Funny. Tried drinking beer with the water to get SOMETHING to fill my bladder. I didn't drink fast enough (HAHAHAHAhahahaha) or I am THAT dehydrated from, um, SITTING ON THE COUCH all day yesterday.

So its now Sunday at 1:15pm. My internet at home has been down since T had the AC unit on with her computer and TV and DVD and 2 fans and decided to blow dry her hair (because her room is too cold to let it dry by itself) on TUESDAY. (C, I forgot to print your instructions - I was all "oh, my friend emailed me how to fix it, FUCK!!!". Its printed and in my purse right now, maybe we can avoid a service charge for tomorrow??)
I abandoned my Ever So Loving No Matter How Miserable She Is Gorgeous Girl after placing her kicking and screaming into the pool to sit on the top step (don't want to drown her and she is SHORT on those 5" legs). Her look to me said "what the fuck is the matter with you why am I in water you know I hate being in water and I look at you like your an idiot when you're in here why aren't you in here and why are you talking to me like I'M the one who is being stupid for trying to get out but fuck I'm too short and too long to get out on my own please stop splashing me and why can't I move this step is too narrow to do anything but take this torture you are SSOOOO not getting any kisses after this".
Thats about all I could take from her before fishing her 50 lbs out and watching the water evaporate instantaneously as she took two steps and quit dripping. I didn't even need a towel ya'll.
Fuck. Its. Hot.
It was 10am and already too hot to handle sitting outside.
So I've got her core tempurature mediated by the dip, gave her a rawhide to play with so she would plop down on her dog bed and sit under the fan for a bit (slick trick, I know, but it worked for me and I am TRYING to not come home to a heat stroked dog!), and I slip out the front door.
I drive to the office to get online.
I pretend I'll do the 5 hours of work I need to do to be caught up. I sit here blogging instead.
I realize have to go get an oil change, buy tampons, and attempt to get out of the grocery store with more than junk food. Maybe I'll still get into the bikini this weekend. If I'm going to be a sweat covered sloth, I might as well get the euphoria that only UV rays can provide. (I didn't just make that up, I read it in a magazine that made it up last month.)
Either that or I'll call T and have her dunk my Gorgeous Girl in the pool again and stay here and check the rentals online.
I mean really, my pup dog is awsome and I've moved 6 times with her so the "stay because the dog likes it" is a RETARDED logic because she couldn't sleep last night due to the heat and she'll be happy anywhere because she ROCKS like that.
What?? You KNOW this would be a lot more fun blog material. Move closer to a job I don't think I like, break in new roomies, wonder if I did the right thing, be closer to the havoc that has been my night life lately... and really, unless I go back to work at Cubeville (another plethra of blog material AND time to post it AND make bank), why would I stay in a house where my entire home life consists of wishing it was cool enough to do ANYTHING (laundry, budget, tweezing my eyebrows, crafts, dusting - none have been done in a month) while not talking to my roomies and hoping I don't have to wake up to them or their psycho boyfriends coming over at 2am.

Tangents. Can't help them. Love me anyway. And COMMENT please, especially if you have me on your blogroll Laurie, so I know you're here. My stat counter tells me how many stop by, not who you are. I need the love, my dog can't stand to sit with me these days!