I simply can't do it.
There is too much vertigo on my particular roller coaster to even start to try to document it.
I used to, it used to keep me centered in a way.
I even started a post and couldn't finish the thought so saved it and now it's so obsolete I don't remember where I was going with it.
Every day is a lifetime worth of struggle.
I have great medical insurance, I've almost got the gumption to look into finding a doctor to tell me if this is just the side effects of moving/changing jobs/changing my inner circle of friends/ growing up, or if I should be able to get through a day without a headache, a low spot, a sex fantasy, and a sense of paralyzing fear all to go with my chipper Good Mornings and exceptional chit chat with whomever crosses my path.
I will say this. I was at the gym again tonight (yes, even on top of walking nearly a mile from the bus to work, and the same trip backwards after work, I'm going to the gym, training 2-3 times a week, and doing cardio whenever I remember to put my clothes in the car so I can stop in on the way home), and my Bam Bam was so cute, and we laughed, and the workout was hard, and I got to walk'n on the treadmill anyway (cuz 2 miles was what I used to do, whats another 1 or 2 more?)... and there is something about having those doctor's office scales everywhere that just makes it so easy to get on... boys and girls, let me tell you the shock and awe that came over me when it was a solid 3 lbs less than TUESDAY.
Nope, I didn't get a haircut since then.
Yep, I was in the same shoes, and a very similar outfit.
And oh yes, I drank plenty of water today, so it wasn't that I was dehydrated.
The point isn't the 3 lbs, its that something is changing. In all this strife and worry and internalized agony, something is working hard enough to effect change.
I even turned down brownies today.
Come on!!!! That IS my weakness!!! and the free pizza last week that I passed up??? SERIOUSLY, this is some major evolution happening!!
I'd try to tell you about some of it, but honestly, so much has happened in the last 3 hours that it would take a thesis paper to catch you up on all the super fun/cool/traumatic/enticing/rediculous/noteworthy stuff that's happened since Saturday, which is incidentally how far back my memory goes.
Time to try for a normal bed time...