Alright.
It was a very rough week.
If last week brought internal angst resulting in lethargy, this week was the backlash of anger and resentment at all things GROWN UP.
I actually emailed Techie on the work email that I was considering giving my 2 weeks.
DON'T CARE ANYMORE.
My partner is convinced she will be fired next week. She has been convinced of this since I started in this office last summer. She has serious cause to believe it this time, but still, it’s a little annoying to be constantly wondering if she will come back from lunch.
Took Tuesday off to celebrate Sister's bday with her - we didn't leave the house until almost noon, but the absolute luxury of laying about the bed discussing options like Disneyland vs. Universal Studios vs. a picnic on the beach was well worth the verbal bashing for using paid time off. We had a delightful day in the Big City and I would have missed the day's pay to share life experience like that with anyone in my life.
The house is lonely without a 50 pound, 2 foot tall black dog around. Its better because I don't have to watch her walk into walls or fall asleep looking at me or cry at me for pains I can't see or find… but waking up at 5:07 every morning to the fucktard neighbor's car alarm isn't the same when I don't have a dog to curl up with for another hour.
The cat, however, has become decidedly more doglike. She still lofts about, singing her feline song, annoyed when she has no lap to sit on – but, its kinda nice to still trip on a small animal when I walk in the door and have a collar jingle when I call about the house for a mini-hug.
Sister is taking it hard I think. We don't talk feelings in my family, but she went for a cigarette and stopped short to ask "what do I tell the kids when they ask for Shorty?" I said "they don't speak English anyway, just say "no mas Shorty".
Then I had to say it today. They didn't care, they plastered themselves to the sliding glass door and yelled "GATO!! EL GATO!!!!" to ensure my feline friend would be frightened away indefinitely. She doesn't come outside, so we have a new challenge on our hands – kids plastered to the side of my house yelling "GATO!! EL GATO!!!!" for umpteen hours a day =) Lovely.
Delighted to report that PMS is receding, my mood is lifted for the sheer ability for me to verbalize then literally dump my shit onto someone else to sift through with me, I went to the gym for the first time in a MONTH last night, and I left all 3 pies in the work fridge today as I looked for chicken breast strips and apples to snack on. =)
Rough. Its been decidedly rough. BIG CHANGE kinda rough.
But guess what else happened? I looked my boss in the face today and said "We hear you. We don't like this either. Let us get back to trying to fix it because we've discussed everything this meeting was called for" and we were back at our desks within the MINUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its not that I need to be able to manage my manager, but effective communication in the workplace is key, is it not?? =)=)
Off to clean house to loud music, get that butt-dent in my couch solidified, and get some light beer back in the house to facilitate both of these =) Oh, and gym classes and working on work without the phone ringing is on the list as well, but secondary to the nesting!
Friday, April 27, 2007
Monday, April 23, 2007
If This is Monday...
It is no secret I am a huge fan of Mondays, when they are compared to Tuesdays.
That said, I'll be out tomorrow...
Got repeated and not even originally misdirected blame in the form of flack from the boss for asking for my sister's bday off, but I don't care.
Boss started with "um, we are kinda behind..." and ended with "you were out last week (it was 2 weeks ago, on my death bed, calling in feverish every 2 hours, and she royally fucked my rotation and we still haven't recovered from her meddling), and taking time this week, you don't want corporate to ask why you are taking all this time off so close to your start date..."
To that, I literally bit my tongue (I think she saw me wince), and internally fume "bite my ass as I walk out the door, and you better hope, after talking to me like the company doesn't gift me nearly a full work day of paid time off every 2 weeks, that I come back on Wednesday, or at all."
Yes, I am achingly close to being over the edge... bitter, full of contempt, apathetic, not even self loathing as much as overtly realistic (which, for those of us with brain cells, translates to pessimistic), and the worst of it is I am feeding the negative - onion rings, ice cream, fish and chips at every chance, and my parents spent so much damn money on this smile and I haven't used it in weeks.
Mostly, I am too afraid to feel anything, even returning a smile at a kid passing my window, because it might lead to feeling the rage and hurt and anger and betrayal and and and and that is lurking under my every breath.
So yeah, to have my manager try to fix our department by sitting next to me for an hour today, to have me taking my breaks sitting in the hallway to avoid the aura of misconduct in my office, to hide in the bathroom and breath through the imminent tears, to have weekend after weekend be more stress than my overbearing and intensly draining day job, and then be told that I should reconsider taking time off that the company is paying me to have the opportunity for??? Lets just say I don't give a flying fuck's left nut if I look like a slacker to corporate for deciding to take my paid time off, and her implication that I am making an unwise choice (as she flaunts to the office that I am not the same old Sassy and wants me to explain what my matter is) isn't sitting well here at the end of the day.
Oh, in case you thought the fix would be as easy as a career jolt, Sexy called last night. And texted today. And he wasn't drunk this time. And it was nice to have someone ask what I thought about something without having to stand tall as I steady myself to bear the brunt of "yeah, but's" until the sun goes down.
Barfly was a total duche and I'm bored with him before I even had a chance to get his shirt off.
The thought of getting a passport and traveling to a small town in Wales is about all consuming at this point.
I slept on my new couch on Saturday night because I couldn't look at the bedspread stained with Shorty footprints so I didn't go in my room - and even when I made it in there last night I made Sister come watch TV with me.
The cat is cute, but its not the same.
And holding your 13 year old, always at your feet dog while the chick misses veins with the death juice isn't a memory you need flooding you when you try to get into your PJs.
Its quit'n time, and there is no way for me to know if the calls I've planned for Wednesday are going to be productive or a waste of time until I start calling down the list, so I'm going to see if I can avoid the beer long enough to change into gym clothes and get something positive running through my veins in a timely manner... even the gym has a negative connotation in the mood I'm in though, and no amount of distraction is taking away the intense omnipresense of "this is not working, you must change the core of your existence or be irreperably damaged".
That said, I'll be out tomorrow...
Got repeated and not even originally misdirected blame in the form of flack from the boss for asking for my sister's bday off, but I don't care.
Boss started with "um, we are kinda behind..." and ended with "you were out last week (it was 2 weeks ago, on my death bed, calling in feverish every 2 hours, and she royally fucked my rotation and we still haven't recovered from her meddling), and taking time this week, you don't want corporate to ask why you are taking all this time off so close to your start date..."
To that, I literally bit my tongue (I think she saw me wince), and internally fume "bite my ass as I walk out the door, and you better hope, after talking to me like the company doesn't gift me nearly a full work day of paid time off every 2 weeks, that I come back on Wednesday, or at all."
Yes, I am achingly close to being over the edge... bitter, full of contempt, apathetic, not even self loathing as much as overtly realistic (which, for those of us with brain cells, translates to pessimistic), and the worst of it is I am feeding the negative - onion rings, ice cream, fish and chips at every chance, and my parents spent so much damn money on this smile and I haven't used it in weeks.
Mostly, I am too afraid to feel anything, even returning a smile at a kid passing my window, because it might lead to feeling the rage and hurt and anger and betrayal and and and and that is lurking under my every breath.
So yeah, to have my manager try to fix our department by sitting next to me for an hour today, to have me taking my breaks sitting in the hallway to avoid the aura of misconduct in my office, to hide in the bathroom and breath through the imminent tears, to have weekend after weekend be more stress than my overbearing and intensly draining day job, and then be told that I should reconsider taking time off that the company is paying me to have the opportunity for??? Lets just say I don't give a flying fuck's left nut if I look like a slacker to corporate for deciding to take my paid time off, and her implication that I am making an unwise choice (as she flaunts to the office that I am not the same old Sassy and wants me to explain what my matter is) isn't sitting well here at the end of the day.
Oh, in case you thought the fix would be as easy as a career jolt, Sexy called last night. And texted today. And he wasn't drunk this time. And it was nice to have someone ask what I thought about something without having to stand tall as I steady myself to bear the brunt of "yeah, but's" until the sun goes down.
Barfly was a total duche and I'm bored with him before I even had a chance to get his shirt off.
The thought of getting a passport and traveling to a small town in Wales is about all consuming at this point.
I slept on my new couch on Saturday night because I couldn't look at the bedspread stained with Shorty footprints so I didn't go in my room - and even when I made it in there last night I made Sister come watch TV with me.
The cat is cute, but its not the same.
And holding your 13 year old, always at your feet dog while the chick misses veins with the death juice isn't a memory you need flooding you when you try to get into your PJs.
Its quit'n time, and there is no way for me to know if the calls I've planned for Wednesday are going to be productive or a waste of time until I start calling down the list, so I'm going to see if I can avoid the beer long enough to change into gym clothes and get something positive running through my veins in a timely manner... even the gym has a negative connotation in the mood I'm in though, and no amount of distraction is taking away the intense omnipresense of "this is not working, you must change the core of your existence or be irreperably damaged".
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
My Training Day
The training went well.
One of the top 100 women in business for the metro area surrounding my company's headquarters had nothing but compliments for me, down to my makeup. She thought we knew each other. She kept looking at me for the nod of acknowledgement, and smiled when I gave it to her. Even whispered a "thank you for that constructive input" after the specialized/small group training.
And then...
At the end of the day I tallied my points for the work we were supposed to accomplish and came in with the top points =)=)
So, not only did she think we knew each other, and turned into a bobbing head doll when I started my sales schpeel, but now she knows me as the one who either did the most work or is able to keep track of the work the best of the 25 people doing my job in the area =).
Right, and that makes my bosses boss so happy I think I actually heard a squeel =)
And when I bragged to Boss about it, she said "girl!!! just look at you showing off!! Now I'll go in there and blow it and my boss will say "at least you hire well, look what Sassy did!!" and I'll have to remind her that I hired you while I wipe the egg off my face."
My SassyAss reply: "well, you're a manager so you get a few specialized meetings, that means smaller groups to blow it in so they are sure to remember its you!"
Yeah, that got her off the phone pretty quick.
Whatever, I've done a stellar job every time Bosses Boss can check up on me and that makes me feel a lot better about shoveling the petty shit under the rug.
How was your Tuesday??
Catch that?? Tuesday?? The day that is typically shitty for me??
I didn't mention that I was in the car driving to the training office at 6:45am, that I had 20 hours notice that I would be required to be 40 miles away, or that I had to call to move the appointment to put my dog down because of the lack of notice, and that I didn't get back to the house until 8:30pm last night... all that little stuff doesn't make as much difference as knowing that Bosses Boss KNEW I didn't have any warning about the meeting, KNEW that Boss was out yesterday and I didn't get the list of requirements until 3pm when everyone else got them Thursday, and gave me a DVD to celebrate my day's accomplishments while I graciously accepted my praise from HER boss, one of the sharpest women I've had the pleasure of meeting in my entire life (no small feat, as I've actually been around non-white-trash people, even in her metro area, that had my coworkers peeing their pants at their awsomeness).
Right, I'm done bragging about how I'm getting bigger than the little stuff and can show off on no sleep and early rising with little to no prep enough to at least ensure I'm not on the chopping block this week.
So, again, how was your Tuesday?
One of the top 100 women in business for the metro area surrounding my company's headquarters had nothing but compliments for me, down to my makeup. She thought we knew each other. She kept looking at me for the nod of acknowledgement, and smiled when I gave it to her. Even whispered a "thank you for that constructive input" after the specialized/small group training.
And then...
At the end of the day I tallied my points for the work we were supposed to accomplish and came in with the top points =)=)
So, not only did she think we knew each other, and turned into a bobbing head doll when I started my sales schpeel, but now she knows me as the one who either did the most work or is able to keep track of the work the best of the 25 people doing my job in the area =).
Right, and that makes my bosses boss so happy I think I actually heard a squeel =)
And when I bragged to Boss about it, she said "girl!!! just look at you showing off!! Now I'll go in there and blow it and my boss will say "at least you hire well, look what Sassy did!!" and I'll have to remind her that I hired you while I wipe the egg off my face."
My SassyAss reply: "well, you're a manager so you get a few specialized meetings, that means smaller groups to blow it in so they are sure to remember its you!"
Yeah, that got her off the phone pretty quick.
Whatever, I've done a stellar job every time Bosses Boss can check up on me and that makes me feel a lot better about shoveling the petty shit under the rug.
How was your Tuesday??
Catch that?? Tuesday?? The day that is typically shitty for me??
I didn't mention that I was in the car driving to the training office at 6:45am, that I had 20 hours notice that I would be required to be 40 miles away, or that I had to call to move the appointment to put my dog down because of the lack of notice, and that I didn't get back to the house until 8:30pm last night... all that little stuff doesn't make as much difference as knowing that Bosses Boss KNEW I didn't have any warning about the meeting, KNEW that Boss was out yesterday and I didn't get the list of requirements until 3pm when everyone else got them Thursday, and gave me a DVD to celebrate my day's accomplishments while I graciously accepted my praise from HER boss, one of the sharpest women I've had the pleasure of meeting in my entire life (no small feat, as I've actually been around non-white-trash people, even in her metro area, that had my coworkers peeing their pants at their awsomeness).
Right, I'm done bragging about how I'm getting bigger than the little stuff and can show off on no sleep and early rising with little to no prep enough to at least ensure I'm not on the chopping block this week.
So, again, how was your Tuesday?
Monday, April 16, 2007
Weekend Update
Blatently copied from an email reply I sent out this morning, names changed to protect the innocent, sentances enhanced to boast about the wicked...
So, since I have to work soon, the recap is that Pupster is on a bunch of steroids so she is comfortable and lucid until I can convince Sister that I am tortured to see her and we have to put her down like I wanted to at the vet Saturday morning, Dad is buying us many meals in the name of Sister's bday and refuses to treat me like anything but a common street rat as exemplified by trying to tell me he planned on spending $300 on us and then waving $1000 cash in the furniture store and giving me shit for not running right to his side over it (then making me beg for it, as its in his hand and the sales guy is wetting his pants to get a peice of it), I've made a new friend in a youngen we will call Barfly though I was too tired to bring him home Friday night and our schedules haven't meshed enough to see if he can knock a smile on my face, hung out with my part time receptionist who is married to a Navy man who liked us enough to ask for recruiting tips for guys to bring to the backyard bbq this Saturday, I'm desperately awaiting details on when my suiter from the other side of the globe and wishing he could be here this weekend to cuddle me on my new couch and make my heart stop turning to stone, and seriously distracted with thoughts of when he will be coming to see if I should take advantage of this fuck buddy or a Navy guy or wait for a Master's Degree'd witty hard body to throw bills to the wind and fly over oceans for me.
Boss is at jury duty, partner is MIA this morning, and just received word I'll be in training tomorrow in an office 40 miles away for the entirety of tomorrow... not like I have family in town or a dog to euthinize and could have used a little fucking warning about my week's schedule... can't even tell you how much I need like a 2 week vacation at this point, I am SO over this!!!! Love the benifits I haven't used and 401K raping my income and still being able to throw $200 at Costco for food and stuff, but I HAD PLANS FOR TUESDAY and a little warning would have been LOVELY, could have put together the preplanning needed for a full day of corporate training materials sometime BESIDES the bulk of my Monday work day...
as if; its so quiet around here its creepy, and I have been venting to you all morning!!
time to earn my keep, I'll check in later =)
So, since I have to work soon, the recap is that Pupster is on a bunch of steroids so she is comfortable and lucid until I can convince Sister that I am tortured to see her and we have to put her down like I wanted to at the vet Saturday morning, Dad is buying us many meals in the name of Sister's bday and refuses to treat me like anything but a common street rat as exemplified by trying to tell me he planned on spending $300 on us and then waving $1000 cash in the furniture store and giving me shit for not running right to his side over it (then making me beg for it, as its in his hand and the sales guy is wetting his pants to get a peice of it), I've made a new friend in a youngen we will call Barfly though I was too tired to bring him home Friday night and our schedules haven't meshed enough to see if he can knock a smile on my face, hung out with my part time receptionist who is married to a Navy man who liked us enough to ask for recruiting tips for guys to bring to the backyard bbq this Saturday, I'm desperately awaiting details on when my suiter from the other side of the globe and wishing he could be here this weekend to cuddle me on my new couch and make my heart stop turning to stone, and seriously distracted with thoughts of when he will be coming to see if I should take advantage of this fuck buddy or a Navy guy or wait for a Master's Degree'd witty hard body to throw bills to the wind and fly over oceans for me.
Boss is at jury duty, partner is MIA this morning, and just received word I'll be in training tomorrow in an office 40 miles away for the entirety of tomorrow... not like I have family in town or a dog to euthinize and could have used a little fucking warning about my week's schedule... can't even tell you how much I need like a 2 week vacation at this point, I am SO over this!!!! Love the benifits I haven't used and 401K raping my income and still being able to throw $200 at Costco for food and stuff, but I HAD PLANS FOR TUESDAY and a little warning would have been LOVELY, could have put together the preplanning needed for a full day of corporate training materials sometime BESIDES the bulk of my Monday work day...
as if; its so quiet around here its creepy, and I have been venting to you all morning!!
time to earn my keep, I'll check in later =)
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
The Haps
I really have been thinking of my blog.
Honestly, every time something chaotic or hilarious or down right morally wrong happens, the first thing I want to do is post about it and get some sense of power from the fact that I'm not the only poor schmuck who takes a job and gets the whole department reorganized on them basically weekly; that I'm not the only Sassy summumabitch who can't for the life of her get a piece of ass; not the only sales person on the block who somehow can't close a DOOR let alone an account; not the only proud mama who looks at her pup and wonders if this is one of the moments she is lucid or if she can even see me sitting in front of her (vet appt set for Saturday, MOT, I'll take pics in case her shallow breathing is from pain and not great dreams); I need some assurance that I'm not the only stubborn sot on the block who isn't at all happy that Dad wants to stop by my house and buy me a new couch to sit on, if for nothing else than I KNOW he has been too chicken shit to ask Sister and I to come up in TWO WEEKS and will try the guilt angle once he's moved in the furniture I've saved up to buy on my own; I need to know if its my version of a mid life crisis that I refuse to unpack my personal effects and have boxes as nightstands and can only think of when I can get time off approved to take vacations this year; I really want to hear that I'm not the only one who was in bed for 3 days with a hell of a chest cold, and that I'm not totally crazy for wanting to get to the office to keep the tally marks adding up to ensure THIS MONTH starts the commissions rolling in.
All this, and I hate to see my StatMeter emails reporting that my silent fans have stopped checking in. =( Its so bad, I've started opening Word docs to get the goods in some format to post, and I have a list of half completed thoughts in my file that are so old, I don't even remember what the point was.
Honestly, if I didn't have to buy a few business suits to go with this new job (told you things are changing, didn't I??!?!), and if I wasn't concerned about the monster vet bill taking my savings I had earmarked for furniture and vacations and Sister's bday celebration, I would certainly incur the monthly cost of internet access at home to better satisfy my lust for social contact. In the mean time, know that even with me at the desk for some 10-12 hours a day, I still can only DREAM of checking in with my blogworld, and I miss you terribly.
ttys,
Honestly, every time something chaotic or hilarious or down right morally wrong happens, the first thing I want to do is post about it and get some sense of power from the fact that I'm not the only poor schmuck who takes a job and gets the whole department reorganized on them basically weekly; that I'm not the only Sassy summumabitch who can't for the life of her get a piece of ass; not the only sales person on the block who somehow can't close a DOOR let alone an account; not the only proud mama who looks at her pup and wonders if this is one of the moments she is lucid or if she can even see me sitting in front of her (vet appt set for Saturday, MOT, I'll take pics in case her shallow breathing is from pain and not great dreams); I need some assurance that I'm not the only stubborn sot on the block who isn't at all happy that Dad wants to stop by my house and buy me a new couch to sit on, if for nothing else than I KNOW he has been too chicken shit to ask Sister and I to come up in TWO WEEKS and will try the guilt angle once he's moved in the furniture I've saved up to buy on my own; I need to know if its my version of a mid life crisis that I refuse to unpack my personal effects and have boxes as nightstands and can only think of when I can get time off approved to take vacations this year; I really want to hear that I'm not the only one who was in bed for 3 days with a hell of a chest cold, and that I'm not totally crazy for wanting to get to the office to keep the tally marks adding up to ensure THIS MONTH starts the commissions rolling in.
All this, and I hate to see my StatMeter emails reporting that my silent fans have stopped checking in. =( Its so bad, I've started opening Word docs to get the goods in some format to post, and I have a list of half completed thoughts in my file that are so old, I don't even remember what the point was.
Honestly, if I didn't have to buy a few business suits to go with this new job (told you things are changing, didn't I??!?!), and if I wasn't concerned about the monster vet bill taking my savings I had earmarked for furniture and vacations and Sister's bday celebration, I would certainly incur the monthly cost of internet access at home to better satisfy my lust for social contact. In the mean time, know that even with me at the desk for some 10-12 hours a day, I still can only DREAM of checking in with my blogworld, and I miss you terribly.
ttys,
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