Saturday, May 17, 2008

My Men

I'm obsessed with my men.
I find myself dreaming of awkward combinations of my men.
Every free moment I wish for creative ways to snare my men into my space.
I constantly want one or all of them next to me, on my phone, texting me, emailing me.

It's a sickness. I understand that. I'm avoiding getting a real man of my own, a boyfriend, because I know I'm not ready to keep myself with the opportunity that I could actually constantly be around my man.

Somehow, I am assured the healing will continue as this evolution of my life unfolds before me.
My new job is a sharp contrast from my last environment. Perhaps it is only in comparison that my heart soars with joyous delight, I can't know for sure, but it was absolutely the hardest part of my first day to not squeal with giddiness that my manager is a man, his manager is a man, if I go the other direction up the chain of command, I'm reporting to 6 men and two women, the managers of both departments I support being men. Even to hear the chatter in a different octave nearly brought a tear to my eye. OK, so I'd been up since 5am, forgot to eat 3 of my meals, and started my period midday, and every window I looked out was another view of NYC, but still.

We'll see how it goes, but with the overwhelming excitement over my first day still with me a full day later, I'm sure it will be a while before I bitch about the day job.
The house on the other hand...

Sunday, May 11, 2008

New Jersey, 2.0

I got fired from my job.
I was offered 2 other positions in the area.
One was back to sales.
The other, an admin job.
It was important enough that my manager's boss had the talk with me.
He's cool. He says he's from Long Island, but he's a Jersey Boy for sure.
I asked him if I could think about it.
He brought in my manager who spilled about another admin opportunity that might have opened up.
The instant she said it, my heart stopped.
It didn't make sense, they just fired a bunch of admins from that office, how could they have an open spot???

I went to my gym, I had my workout for the first time in a week.
I went home and had tapioca pudding with cool whip on top while I watched Grey's Anatomy and painted my toe nails for the first time since I got here.
I tried calling everyone I could think of that might appreciate my situation, make me feel better, tell me to start freaking out or tell me this is what it is.
No one answered my calls, or even replied to a text.
By 11pm, I realized it was time to think about this, got online to check out the competitive market, thought about the 3 positions with the company I'd been offered, thought about all the places I'd wanted to move but didn't because of the commute, thought of how I was told I'd take on the work of 2 fired people 3 weeks ago so I could keep my job and how I had just gotten ok with my world the way it is and that I'd gotten fired. Again. By a Jersey Boy, in this company again.
I checked my bank accounts, to solidify options.
I decided everything would be ok, because the last time I was blindsided by being tossed by a Jersey Boy in this company, I had the same amount of money as I will after Thursday's paycheck. Even after I pay rent.
I looked at the calendar. Thursday also marks the 6 month anniversary of me pulling into Jersey to call it my new home.

When all said and done, I'm still not in actual belief of how it's all come down on me.
I guess I should be flattered that life thinks I'm ready for growth spurts every 6 months. I guess I won't be bitter that I wanted change so ferociously for so long and now I get it. I'll bite my tongue at the vile things I want to say about how this job was never what I moved out here to take and that I resent how my trying to work instead of gossip in this office has surely played a part in this. And I'll not begrudge my manager for so obviously making mine the disposable job, giving all the cross trained back up duties to the newest girl to the team, and for her not giving me any clue that this might happen after I looked her in the face 3 weeks ago and asked to be told directly if I needed to be looking for a new job.

When all is said and done, I don't have time for all that bullshit.
So, I got fired, and??? It's happened before, and it's been nothing but the very best thing for me because it lets me do what I need to in order to launch my life to the next step.
This job, it was a stepping stone to get me here. It was the easiest option I had at the time and I needed to get to the east coast.
My sister had called while I was wondering if I was centered or crazy for not panicing to be let go when every company is downsizing and the market is actually flushed with reasonable competition, she reminded me of the things I was excited to do when I got to the east coast that I hadn't even attempted to do since I got here.
And, after having a conversation with my manager Friday morning, and my new manager Friday afternoon, I was free to actually get excited about this change.

So, here we have Sassy in Jersey, 2.0, with commutes on public transportation, pouring over subway maps, and ensuring all metro passes are readily available, because friends,
I've got a new job right smack in the midst of New York City!!!!!!

Monday, May 05, 2008


I like Monday.
I like it pretty much every time it comes around.
That's about all I have to say on this subject right now.

Sunday, May 04, 2008


When you live the life of a single person who's friends are basically all via the internet or text message, the weekends become a test.
Sure, it's kinda nice to do whatever you want whenever you want, but how many hours of cleaning and masturbating can one person log before they need something to do??
This leads many weekends to be filled with menial tasks, made up deadlines, to do lists that mean nothing if they don't get done. Often, this list includes many of those solitary single behaviors like bleaching, tweezing, shaving, tanning, hydrating, exfoliating, primping and preening that I'd somehow fit into a life if I had one, but as it turns out, for years now I've been able to dedicate just about every other Saturday or Sunday or both to these ritualistic recognitions of my body as a temple and pouring hours of effort into changing it's appearance.

This morning was filled with a pile of boredom accompanied with a dose of apathy, but I did make an appointment to get my hair chopped off, so suddenly, with a time pressure, I've found 47 things to do besides just go. As I'm adding nutrients to the water I'm feeding my plants, I realize that I've accumulated quite a pile of the trimmings I've pulled from my little darlings all crammed in front of the windows. Between the ends that were munched by the cat, the leaves that fell on their own, the fronds at the bottom that have fallen dead as the tops reach ever higher, I thought for a second at how I've been trying to shed my dead weight, and how unsuccessful I've been so far. As I tugged on a dying branch not quite ready to be detached from the main bush, as I saw every bit of that root bundle dead with one tiny green sprout coming from the middle of it all, I saw how similar my growth is.
One of my favorites was a vining sprawling expanse in a beautiful cobalt blue pot that literally had to be wrapped around my entire backseat on the way out here. It didn't fare the trip well, and was down to 3 leaves on it's meager 2 stems by Christmas. It is nothing like it was, but I didn't give up on it - if it wanted to be 3 leaves instead of 300, so be it. Today I see 3 new unraveling leaves that weren't there last Sunday, it's up to 17 fully sprouted (though fairly small) bright green and facing the sunshine petals of life. As I look at the sad buds that prove where the greatness once came from this pot, I see how this evolution was needed to create this new and different but still wonderful version of this fantastically metaphorical centerpiece.

Lets hope this spring treats me as well as these little lovelies show me it can - I'm bored of hibernating, I'm ready to shed the dead weight, and if I find someone who can see past remnants of what I used to be appreciate my fresh and tender new growth for what it is and what it will become, I hope they are close enough to also take me to lunch after an afternoon of grooming.