Shadowbox of Her Mind's I

Suck

2008-11-13T17:05:00.002-05:00

I know, there is no actual excuse to use my blog just to keep a blogroll handy.
I've had a birthday, a cross country trip, an actual vacation complete with calling out sick the day I was set to go back to the office, I've had guys give me their business cards to call them, I've lost touch with a handful of "friends", I've had a nervous breakdown and am currently avoiding finding local doctors to update my blog... I've put on 10 lbs since the last entry, had a meeting with my manager begin with "you don't seem happy here", confirmed that there is no where else to go and I got rocked royally hard on this deal that was supposed to further my career, I've made friends with the bartender too far for the rest of my coworkers to find on a lunchbreak, and the bodega clerks on my way home. I've commited to spend a rent's worth of money to go on another vacation and when the party I was to meet canceled on me due to a suicide in the family, I tried retail therapy, which was exciting while the card swiped but a short 2 hours later I was ready to go home and crawl into bed instead of go pick it up (I felt kinda better seeing my nwe furniture purchase this morning, all lined up where I usually put the trash to take out, but not OH NOW I'M BETTER better). My Netflix only come once a week even with the upgrade because my mail carrier still won't take them back for me, and when I bring them to work I forget them in my desk for 2 days, so I'm bored kinda all the time, to the point the farmer's market guy let me know the labels have his cell number on them and I can call him for recipes anytime - you'd think it was an invitation to chat, but no.

Anyway, I've been busy hating my existance and trying to cope in ways I know are detrimental to the overall progress of my life, but it's bugging me to see blogger remind me that I used to derive a sense of joy from posting and I haven't updated in over a month (to my credit I didn't sit at a computer but once for 2 full weeks of October, and even that one wouldn't let me on the site, but still). So, here's a post, to track the decline of all things satisfactory and add to the doldrom whining of the blog world. Maybe if I get laid I'll cheer up? Didn't work last week, but I'm told next time we can try something new...

Birthday Plans

2008-09-21T14:56:00.002-04:00

Jersey boys have a certain easy switch that I hit just by being me.

Case in point, the neighbor man (could be my granddad) rang my door bell last night just to have someone to hang with on the front porch. He ordered us a pizza, we hung out for a good two hours, were joined by the guy who lives below my apartment who wouldn't take my "no thanks, I'm good" when he asked if I wanted a brew from the store - he came back with two and handed me one. So then he and I were chatting into the evening, I was glad he was getting tired, he'd been at the hospital for 2 days straight and was there the moment his dad passed away, but something tells me he didn't go to sleep even at midnight when we went to our respective houses.
So this morning I get my bell rung again, it's the older guy asking if I want to take him up on his offer to go to Atlantic City for the day. Knowing I really don't have any money to eat with, let alone play with, and that I had stuff to do for the day, I wasn't accepting last night, and put him off this morning... so his son was going to be doing the driving, I get my bell rung when he was on his way to make sure I didn't want to just get in the car when he came, was asked to wait out front with him til the car showed... so then I'm meeting the son, who I happened to know was going to be bringing his girl on the trip (not his wife, his girl) and as I'm still turning them down with every excuse in the book, they are both agreeing with me that it's not a good time for me to go as they talk about how well I'll eat and how easy it will be for me to get to work in the morning... this player of a son then hears me say "maybe some other time, when I can plan for it" for the 12th time and decides maybe in 2 weeks it'll be better... so I finally get them to leave, the son goes in for the hug when I shake his hand and then gives me the wink before he lets the handshake go, and apparently I'm going to Atlantic City the weekend before my birthday. =)

Trouble with any of it is, well, there's a lot of trouble there, but I decided if I turned down the trip for today I might as well do what I told them I had to do, so here I am at the office and it is literally 90 degrees in here - absolutely no way I can even breathe, let alone concentrate on work. Perhaps when the sun goes down it will chill out a bit, I hear the vents going, but they must be on fan instead of AC because, dayum. So much for that, I guess I'm off to the laundromat instead. I know I forgot my book, maybe the TV will be on?? The walk in the park was lovely though, so I guess 2 of the 3 items on today's To Do getting done isn't too bad, right?

Dude

2008-09-16T13:12:00.004-04:00

Is not going well.

Full moon = no sleep = restless zombie like behavior = crankiness to all collections departments I have to wait on hold for an hour a day to talk to.

House has visitors. I'm ready to put pest control fees as a line item on my check for rent and deducting the difference. Receipts have been saved.

Job is not likable. Almost aggressively avoiding the work I don't want to do, maybe next week I'll point out I'm not doing it and remind them of all the reasons I didn't take the promotion offered 4 months ago - and why these job items belong to that position I turned down and not this one I accepted.

Commute is the pits. Almost livable now that the first day of school traffic has subsided a bit, but there are only 2 ways of my hill, I only drive one because it drops me right onto the street I work on and I refuse to circle the entire city just to get off my new brakes. Morning radio shows help, but they catch up on their commercial breaks by the time I'm in the car, so my 25 minutes has 2 sets of their standard "pay the bills" montage.

My postman has decided not to take my Netflix back for me. Twice in two weeks I've come home to find them still there. As this is my only form of fresh entertainment, I'm getting pretty impressed with how much fun I can have feeding the fish, dusting the electronics, and dancing like I'm on drugs I can't afford to CDs I haven't listened to in years.

Boys are decidedly lacking. You wouldn't know it by the texts, calls, emails, and cock-suck count for the month, however, take my word for it, if I had cable, I wouldn't bother. It's pure boredom keeping them in my phonebook, and half of them know it.

My haircut sucks. It's constantly in my face. I'm using the work headset as a headband if I don't have time to lock it back and spray it into a helmet.

I have to find flights that work with my timetable to go to CA in a month, I do not want to have to pay some chick at a customer service call center $20 to see the schedule in a usable way to do this. I also want to book miles to the meager account balance I started to build this time last year.

I prefer being naked lately, I'm having a very hard time keeping my clothes on much past 6:30pm Sometimes I start in the car. Sometimes I start at lunch. As I've successfully avoided doing laundry for an incredible amount of time now (I've lived in this apartment for nearly 2 full months and been to the laundromat once, I'm thinking well over a month ago), the wardrobe is proving that loosing 10lbs opens up quite a few options, and that underthings are often optional. As the weather is cooling, I'm finding I have to have clothes on at home, and this makes me cranky, as all my scrubbies and PJ's were big on me last year and I guess I've actually lost 20 lbs since then, tripping on my pants while carrying dinner to the table has become my practice of either a dance/yoga stretch twist move, or I'm planning to be part of a football team and this will be my diversionary tactic.

I've apparently decided being a bitch is alright. I don't offer a cheery hello to the masses at the office, I don't sugar coat my "I asked you that 2 days ago, you gave me the opposite answer, there is nothing I can do about it now" or the "there must be another way, you go find it, I'm busy right now" retorts that have become more common than "hello" and "thank you" in my vocabulary.

I live on farmers market food alone these days. I almost bought a family sized case of chicken cutlets and fish fillets last night just to avoid the grocery store that much longer, but didn't have $50 on me for it. I'm worried eggs and nuts won't satisfy my protein needs, but I'm willing to give it a few days of getting sandwiches and burgers from the local food joints and seeing if I can meet social and nutritional needs this way. To wit, I've heard of people meeting people at the grocery store, I don't see how that is possible if they don't see me enough to consistently run me over with with their cart, but at a restaurant, luncheonette, or farmers market I get noticed at least enough to ask what is up with the daily specials or the purple bell pepper, and this means I'm happy to drain my wallet of all it's cash to foster this experience.

My lunch break is over and I've been on hold with the same numbers every lunch and every dinner for the past 2 weeks, I'm learning why it's so easy for me to job jump without being unemployed. I'm going to go back to my desk and listen to the people behind me spew false information and backward processes and wonder how they are still employed.

Jersey, phase 3.0

2008-08-28T17:12:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow is my last day in the Midtown office.
I'll be starting at the office I can almost see from my house after the holiday weekend.
The job I'm expecting when I get there has changed 3 times in the 3 weeks I've know about my going there.
This, matched with the phase of the moon and the status of my bank account and the low of being single/alone and how my belly is full of baby makin goods that just need to vacate ASAP, has brought me to tears in the last few hours.

It'll be fine. It always is. Knowing this somehow isn't consoling.
I kinda wanted roots. Finally. But this news, in hindsight, is the minute I quite unpacking.
Nothing in life is permanent, but being in a constant state of broke from moving to keep up with it is wearing on me after a few years of it.

Let's thank jebus that I had the foresight to get a few 6 packs, a bottle of wine, and a bottle of vodka the last time I was at the drink shop, it might just get me through the weekend - or, I think my paycheck clears tomorrow, and with all the money I put in to my car, I can go find another drink shop who won't know I drank the mountain of booze I got last paycheck ;-)

Big Big Big Weekend

2008-08-25T10:28:00.000-04:00

Loving how I wake up at 6:20am every day no matter what and can't find enough reason to get out of bed that early, so therefore hang in bed until I'm running quite late for my day, whatever it might hold for me.
Saturday was no different - I'd taken off early Friday to get my car jumped and the battery replaced, only to find that once they walked to my car and jumped it they promtly locked up shop, forgoing the chance I could sit at a laundromat and go grocery shopping in the morning and replacing it with the delight that is waiting for 2 hours for them to drop a new battery in your car. Not to be deterred from having a great, though malnourished and stinky morning, I packed my gym bag and grabbed my water bottle and headed south for what I am thinking is my last time, to use up what I can of the paid sessions with Bam Bam before my gym membership cancellation is finalized.
An hour of workout with 45 minutes of chatting later, and I basically wait for Bam Bam to be distracted before asking if he'd mind some company on his lunch break (knowing he was meant to eat half an hour before) and when he hesitated (due to distraction) I said "great, lemme change, let's go, we are both running on fumes". He looked over and said "not that place next door we went last week, I know a better place out toward my house". He got a full body nudge, I was ready to accept defeat when he wasn't waiting by the front door, was deceptively calm when he emerged in a tank top, and we had a grand time sharing stories and french fries at the diner with crappy service very near his house.
It took him a few offerings, I could hear his heart beating from a solid 5 feet away, and that I only noticed when trying to hear something beyond his hurried breathing... I was not going to assume, he would have to directly invite me upstairs. This frustrated him a bit - apparently "alright, I'm going to take a shower" to the roomie in the living room we were standing in was meant to be enough - I stood at the bottom of the stairs until my "should I follow you" was met with a forceful "yes".
Strange how I'd thought of this happening for so many months, the girlfriend moving away, giving him a few weeks to get to that level of lonely and frustrated, haivng a few test runs of being outside the gym together... none of it lent to actually picturing the act. Kinda like how I knew I was meant for better, knew that would be at a job I enjoyed in a place of my own, but the details of either weren't important enough to include.
Of all that did happen, (which wasn't all that much, neither of us will be tallying another notch on the bedpost, but he walked out of the house in that very relieved strut men get when women have performed on their knees well) I remember the inception the most vividly. He was in the hallway between the bathroom and bedroom, I walked up behind him, thinking, well, not thinking anything really, maybe that I'd be directed to the bedroom while he freshened up? He turned around and took a step toward me and I reactively took a step backward, lost eye contact to watch his body coming at me, almost fearful in a way that nearly got me uttering "no" or "what are you doing". Instead, a kiss, that kind of kiss that you only get after you've know someone a while, the fruition of all that flirting, the crux of the release only when you remember to breathe and get to enjoy that it is actually happening, the excitement that it was worth all that wondering what it would be like, the joy that I wasn't there just to bow before him, that there was at least enough desire for me as a woman that he took this first chance we were together very alone to back me against the wall and suckle my bottom lip.
I hate him for it, the way he kept me there, the way he explored me, how he let me pull him close and then stayed there, his expertise in opening the door and backing me into the room, I didn't even open my eyes and he had me on my back on the bed, his one arm nearly lifting me entirely to lay me further up on the bed so he could lay against me. Oh for want of the shades to be closed, if it had been a bit darker we might have spent the entire afternoon in there... instead, I remembered how hesitant I was for this to ever happen, how I knew I'd miss him and this would only make it worse, his hand sliding up my skirt making me suddenly self conscious in a way I haven't felt in years - proof I care what he thinks, have heard his judgements, knowing I was already a goddess of the bedroom in his mind and that it would take only the slightest infraction to ruin that. I decided he'd earned some realization of the phrase he'd associated with me for many months now, I pushed him off of me, piled the sheets and pillows for him, took his pants with me as I slid to the ground, and tortured him in the way that is inherit in a first time together. I watched his eyes roll back with this or that method, I realized his inability to speak or even breathe if I were to maneuver in a certain way, thrilled that he'd let me kiss again, and that his hands were able to show me where he prefered my mouth be.
Only slightly awkward after, he let me sit with him while he de-wrinkled his shirt, was prompt with his promise to text me later, and the conversation last night was lighthearted.
This, however, is not the reason for the Big Big Big weekend.
And not that this was in any way directly related, except in the fact that he is my trainer and I hit a goal I'd set for my gym fees to be worth their auto withdrawl.
It started with a conversation in front of a US Atlas book about 9 years ago. I was serious with my boyfriend of about a year at the time, we were deciding on a road trip we could take. As the book is in alphabetical order, we were laughing at the idea of Alabama, Arkansas, driving from California to Connecticut... he flipped to Hawaii, and after the "remember that Disney futuristic idea of how we'd drive in a tunnel to islands or our cars would be hovercrafts for the occassion?" chat he got a bit serious about the idea. I don't remember a whole lot of conversations I had with that boy I was with for 3.5 years, but I distinctly remember looking him in the face and saying "when I weigh what you weigh, we can go to Hawaii." Even at that time it had been years since I'd been close to his poundage, his slender build kept so with the self loathing of the abused and the avoidance of family, and therefore any, dinner as often as possible. We'd been fattening me up with love and ice cream for months, winter rains helping the cause, and without high school forcing activity on me, I was begining to feel it.
Saturday marks the first time since I realized I felt heavy and uttered those words to him that I've hit that weight. I'll be honest, it was an afterthought, I was changing back into street clothes and saw the scale and thought "this'll be the last time I can measure on a real doctor's office style scale, and I've been using this one for the whole year, lets see if it's all in my head or if it will finally show on this damn thing". As I moved the little one further and further to the left, I realized the bar was still pegged, I slowed the push as I saw that number approaching, and when I passed it by 1/10th to get that bar to suspend in "this is you" confirmation, I felt my gut tighten and my eyes water and the grin and gasp combined to hurt my ears a bit.

So here I sit, my body happy, my mind feverishly replaying the feeling of his hand on my head, his kiss on my lip, the conversation at lunch, the conversation in front of that atlas book... I'm a little sad all over that I know I had to move across the country and slowly shed the people and their influence from my life to get my body to shed it's protective weight, I'm more than aware that my favorite friend chose the last session to invite me home and he won't be making special efforts for a repeat - he may not even let me put in the drive time to spend any kind of time together.

Enjoying my freedom at the office to sit in memory, realizing this is my last week here isn't helping relieve my sadness, the news has gotten around and my short timer's mentality is only worsened by everyone being so very nice to me all the time.
I'm dunking Oreo's in my coffee because I don't have any food here, I think it's time to go find an egg sandwich, malnourished is no way to be on the brink of heartbreak all over one's life.

Never a Dull Moment

2008-08-12T10:59:00.003-04:00

I loved it all, went on vacation, came back to an enlightened sense of contentment... and now, just one week later, I'm staring down the last week of this version of bliss, as I've worked myself into being a great asset to the company and they asked me if I would take a promotion and I struggled with it for three laborious days but finally couldn't say no.

So, right, the 5 minute walk to the 22 minute train to the mile walk to the office is now changing to a 5 minute walk to the train station, 2 stops, then a walk across the building to my office.

No more forking over cash for the parking garage and agonizing about street parking where they sweep 4 times a week and I'd need to park on the right side or get booted, the company pays for a garage at the office, and with the train right there, I can use the car, bring it to work, leave it for 3 days, use it again...

A new team of people to sit with, a new kitchen to acclimate to, a new potty to pick my fave stall in.

Not that I haven't done it all before, but I'm just not ready to break up with Midtown, and I've made sure everyone knows it.

Notice the job itself doesn't play in this? I'm in denial. In fact, the new manager wants me to transfer, get to know the crew, let them see me and get to know me, then they won't hate me for getting the promotion. I don't know why, but when it comes down to it, I'll be doing the same job in a different office until the guy man's up and decides it's time to get an office manager named, then I'll get the title and $$ that I interviewed for.

I've had this job before. It gave me bipolar disorder and a drinking habit. I've told this to my current manager, who promptly spilled the beans about what may be happening in the next 4-8 months... that I got more excited about that than what I'll be doing in 2 weeks makes me sad for the office I'm going to in 2 weeks, because I'm already not wanting that job and half knowing I'll be asked to be part of the changes down the line... but, whatever, I'm being promoted, my car is taken care of, and the way my body likes to wake up at 7:30am, I'm ok with cutting my commute down to a solid 20 minutes.
That I am technically transfering is actually a load off, and honestly it wouldn't be the absolute worst if the current staff whines enough to get the promotion, as I really didn't enjoy my life when I had that job last time... love how I'm already making excuses??? yeah, me too!!

In other news, the house is more like a home since I nested all weekend. It now smells like all my cleaning products, I've loaded up the shelves I do have (committing them to their current location at least for now), and bought area rugs after furniture shopping all afternoon =) Also exciting, is my ability to make a mounded deliciously various salad for dinner every night, and to notice that the tag I ripped off my pants this morning is 2 full sizes (from 14 to 10, though I can't find an 11 to save my life these days) smaller than half my wardrobe... they are a stretchy material and we'll see how the afternoon bloat treats me, but yeah, I had to have a seat and take that in... no WONDER my skirt last week was spinning as I walked, it was WAY too big!
All in all, going very well over here. Let's hope it stays that way, because I can't afford cable quite yet, let alone a raging drinking habit ;)

A Quickie

2008-07-31T17:35:00.001-04:00

I'm not buried under boxes.
I've not collapsed in exhaustion.
I didn't forgo grocery shopping to pay for my commute.

In fact, I've not felt this at home in years.
Honestly, since the house I shared with my mom.
And tonight, a week anniversary to be celebrated, I won't be sleeping in the place - I've had this weekend planned as an out of town vacation for months, and it just so happens that it is the capstone to the bliss that my world is coming together.
I love my job.
I love my commute to and from my job.
I love waking up.
I love coming home, and doing whatever I want whenever I want, my only worry being that if I fall in a reaction to spinning in the kitchen like a top, the neighbors will call for help and everyone will know I spend all my time in the place completely nude.
I really enjoyed making a salad on a clean counter, with my silverware, and putting it into a clean bowl - all without any effort beyond getting the goods out of the fridge.
I appreciated that I could lick the top off my Magic Brownies Ben and Jerry's pint until I couldn't reach the ice cream anymore, realizing I was sitting in the middle of the living room floor watching a movie with a spoon in one hand and the pint in the other - I put the spoon right back where it came from and was impressed at how much I could lick 'off the top'.

I'm doing really really really well, just not online at home is all - iPhone might be the fix to that, but the way the Jersey Boy downstairs is obviously smitten with me, I'm wondering how many reminders it'll take for him to scrounge up the password to his wireless network...
and now, to do the rest of the Friday Only reports, hit send on these emails I didn't want to send til the very end of the day, and get packing for my trip to see someone I knew before I moved to the east coast for the first time since I moved to the east coast. I'm preparing for a hungover weekend, starting about 9am tomorrow morning - details to come, if I can remember any.

HELP! I'm Insane!!!

2008-07-20T15:34:00.004-04:00

I know what I have to do, but I'm just too exhausted of heart and mind to get excited or revolted or anything besides "I think logically this is a no brainer, but I can't find my logic..."

Let me preface by saying this all came after a great day missing all the traffic to get to work out with Bam Bam before an afternoon getting laid, then off to the mall to see if I could find some work pants that actually fit to find I'm in a totally different cut and one size smaller than whats in my closet, then a quick dinner and drive home... and this is where the HELP begins...

So I park on the street, so I see this woman hosing off in front of her house, do a hot lap around the block to let her finish, then park there. She said "you didn't have to do that!!" and off we went with the chatting. Long story shortened, she's lived on this block her whole life (been married 45 years, so however long that makes her a resident), hates it now, thinks I'm too nice and too pretty to live here, really hates the house I'm in, and her sister lives a block away from the next stop on the train and the tenant that moved in at the beginning of the month had to leave to take care of her sick mother in California.
So we made a date, we got in my car, she toured me the other neighborhood, I met the sister, who's lived in every apartment in that house since she moved off our block... it's on the first floor, the couple who lives upstairs (on top of the 14' ceilings throughout) are super nice and he just became a cop, the family lives in the rest of the place, the handyman is in the basement apartment under this one...
it's $100 more than I pay for the place I'm in now.

I KNOWWWWWWWW.

So, I think I'm moving again.

I have a trip planned to Boston on Aug 2nd, so I'm thinking, ah screw it, I've had a vodka drink, I'm thinking if the weather isn't blistering hot tomorrow, I'd move in tomorrow.
Because I HAVE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY, right??!!??!
I've got boxes of stuff I packed in California that were meant to be unpacked in a place of my own!!!
So what if this guy gets screwed? He moved the dresser I didn't want, and told him so 5 days before I moved in, to the landing outside my door today, 10 days after I moved in. The downstairs room he's renting?? got mopped and scrubbed. I had to go buy a plunger to get my toilet working when I moved in because someone took a monster dump that didn't flush and left it. I typed up a letter that we could get notarized 3 blocks away for $5 so I could park for $15 for the YEAR on the street, instead of the current $10/DAY, he said we'd work something out by Monday - I've seen nothing that says I live here yet, and it's getting late on a Sunday.

So I posted this at 3:30pm on Sunday, and here it is 3 hours later and I've accepted the place and am simultaniously looking at how close the Uhaul is, cable/internet companies, where Public Works is, the hours for the parking permit people, and shopping for a mattress because the AWSOME lady said I could move in ASAP and not pay rent til the 1st and she'll be happy to let in a mattress delivery guy for me while I'm at work.

This is life happening. Moving twice in a month? well, I've been tauting "when your dreams are big enough, the details don't matter!" to a friend for a few weeks, I guess I just forgot this was a dream for a few hours there... but now that I've got this whole house of family members thrilled I'm taking the apartment they've all lived in at some point in their lives, the only thing left to do is actually tell the current tool that I'm leaving, get that rent and deposit back, and move up the hill!

Crap, growing up sucks, but let's just see how life is different when I buy groceries and they are still there when I go for them 2 days later ;)
For now, the nice woman, with my mom's name btw, said I should get a good night's sleep and get ready for a great life in that apartment, so I think I'll turn on the Netflix, get a box for all the clothes I moved out of the dresser and can't hang in my tiny closet, see if I can actually get any of this shopping accomplished today or if I really am relegated to simply sitting in this cosmic fuck that is having awsomeness dropping in my lap. Who needs a gym anyway... just move every 2 weeks!!

The Breakthrough

2008-07-15T22:32:00.003-04:00

I used to copy and paste emails from that I stole from people I see here, but this one was to a party who doesn't read blogs, but I still talk to like a blog buddy via email - this is what I sent last night:

I was coming back from Ikea and I saw the cityscape and the blimp over downtown and some fireworks going off and Lady Liberty and I was studying the calendar this morning trying to figure out if it was Aug 4th or Aug 11th that we went to the brewery in my old town and what you'd said about "did you ever think a year ago when you met me that you'd be living so close to the Statue of Liberty??" that tonight, for the first time, I smiled so big I cried about it =)
Not in a bad way, at all, don't worry, but, you know, like Meg Ryan does in all her movies, with the happy tears =)

No, I never thought that I'd live where a trip for dinner and a lamp would let me know what colors the Empire State Building was sporting evnet was going on on the way home.

Yes, I am very glad you got me here.
I don't know what I'm going to do with it yet, but I'm finally exicted to move within 7 miles of my Park Ave office =)

And, if you notice, 7 as my lucky number is in my address and my zip code, and my work zip code, and when you mentioned the 8's last year, I started seeing them around too, like in my address, and I told someone I was ready to move on to Jersey 2.0 and here I am in apt #2... grasping at straws really, but it's the little things that give hope and joy, so if I can't have you blink your pretty eyes and smile and turn your head in that way when you can't stand how proud you are of me, well then, I'll enjoy my address =)

-- the person I'm talking to is sad that I grew up enough to move away from their backyard, but humble enough to understand that my life is bigger than that backyard.
I'm still missing that aspect, but as it didn't do much for me, I'm thrilled to report that tonight I got to party on the company dime, and that I went to dinner at a steakhouse I would never have entered if it weren't for the request of THE top biller in my company... and the generosity of those who carry that kind of cash on them...

I've pushed aside the idea of stoping at the few bars I know of between where I've left my car and my house 4 blocks away... I'm having a very hard time paying to keep the car even though it will cost me the same as the bus fees to park every day, but my arguement is that I have no idea where I'll be in 6 months and if it's anything like last year, I'll be happy I have a car to run around it... plus, it smells like me, like, I'm tempted to walk the 4 blocks back right now at bed time just to sit in her and chill for a bit...

time for a LOT of water and bed, how was your Tuesday?

9am

2008-07-13T11:21:00.002-04:00

I've made the move.

This is already a better place - room for something of mine to be in the living room, a roomie who heard me come home and knocked on my door to offer me a beer - then helped me find the box with the tampons in it when the occassion made it necessary to unpack at least one box before bed.

I'm wondering though, if this location is placed at this juncture of my life because I've gotten used to waking up in the middle of the night and being woken up before I naturally blink and stretch. Sure, beer and TV and a cranked AC mixed with chatting with a new buddy til 2am was my fault, but the thumping cars picking up their friends at the bar up the block (that I didn't notice at first glance, I was worried about the dive with the live music two doors down, which incidentally I haven't heard a peep from besides a friendly hello from the smokers out front) was unexpected. So, sleep came at 3am after a LONG Friday, and my Saturday was spent half in bed sleeping it off and then finding out how many scratches I can get on my legs passing various box tops and open drawers before I give up and set up the computer to watch a movie and chill out (took me 7 hours to give in and stop being a clutz). Even with a case of the sleepies come 10:30pm, I found myself texting and watching a movie that I own very intently, then another movie, then more texting, and wouldn't you know I was not asleep enough not to reply to 2:55am texts AGAIN??
Here's the kicker though - yesterday and today I got a text at 9am on the dot. Both from people I'd asked a question of at 9pm the night before.
So my rationalization is to say "grown folks think 9am is plenty late enough to be awake, it's more polite than waking to basketball or a smoke alarm because someone can't fry bacon, and they don't know you didn't go to sleep til 3am because you were talking to totally different people at that rediculous hour...", but the rest of me is wondering if my clumsiness yesterday was due to this interupted sleep, and today my spine is trying to pull in every muscle fiber it's already attached to for a hug or something because the more I stretch the tighter it gets... and I'm tempted to sleep to let my body recover but think perhaps Jersey 2.0 life just starts at 9am and I should go with that.
Here's hoping I get to work by 9am though, instead of waking at 9am, because that would totally defeat the purpose of royally pissing off the last roomie by leaving so quickly and bragging to everyone that I live so close to the office now.

Now that the coffee is in me, the shower is taken, the AC is on, the radio is annoying, I might take a drive to the mecca that is Ikea to pick up a closet extender and see if the 8' of closet rod I filled in the last place can really be condensed to fit in this 3' wardrobe, and maybe snag me some of that yummy candy cake and a few meatballs for lunch =) Maybe even a bathroom organizer so I can keep my extra TP and Qtips somewhere besides the panties drawer. And some meatballs to take home with that awsome tart jam. and maybe some more magazine holders becuse they hold more than magazines. or maybe those little silver cornered boxes to compliment the ones I've got to get me all matchy matchy with my crap. too bad I already have the over the toilet cabinet and the window sill is my headboard because I saw some cool stuff in those sections, but I do need a bathmat that fits...

Side note #1 - coffee and sugar make me happy. There is something to fat people always being happy, it's called "food". I've got a backup ice cream sandwich in the freezer from the corner mart in case of cranky emergency.
Side note #2 - chatty boys make me happy too. Girls too I guess, but they tend to forget to reply or say they'll call and get distracted with someone else. Guys disappear too, but answer back a few hours later like they went on pause or some shit, and it cracks me up and satisfies my social needs, and I just keep doin my thing and texting and smiling and working because I'm connected to someone instead of in my room alone again.

I guess I better stop avoiding and get something started... maybe unpack enough to find the bathing suit and lay out in this beautiful weather on my almost private deck =)

Who Needs a Holiday?

2008-07-06T18:22:00.002-04:00

I'm not ready.

Being grown and alone sucks.

Moving sucks sweaty balls that won't cum.

Paying rent for two places at once is the unlubed dildo in the ass without warning.

I can't deal with 3 day weekends, I end up spending as much time as possible in bed. Looking around pretending I'm planning my course of action to move so I don't pay rent in 2 places longer than possible is possibly my favorite double think of the year.

Being an addictive depressive means doing whatever it takes to do what needs to get done, leaving me with grease and carbs and straight sugar with vodka shots and beer chasers being what got me out of bed for the first time since getting into it at 4am Saturday morning.

Girls have a strange way of being friends. Reminds me why I like guys, and even taken guys, so much better. I kinda don't like how girls in bars interact, and watching them gets very boring, and being looked over by the guys for these girls incites just enough jealousy and self-loathing to order another drink and be sure to stop at Dunkin Donuts of a small coffee and chocolate chunk cookie on the way home. (I've learned to always take a multi or B-complex after a night like this, and learned the hard way not to do it on an empty stomach and that caffeine at this hour will not keep you up but will keep you from a headache. I've got 4 milk crates of college notes I've not read since I wrote them; hangover tactics is the useful stuff I learned in college.)

I'm not excited about the new place. Neither is anyone I've met/known here. I don't motivate myself, they don't know this well enough to hide their disappointment I won't be at their beckoned call so I can do what's right for me. I've been killing myself with this commute and disjunctified schedule for them for weeks and gotten no support for that either. And no one is helping me move. I'm thinking of hiring people just so I don't have to do it alone.
(I know disjunctified isn't a word, but it says what I want it to.)

Being this alone sucks. Thinking you have enough of a friendship to get you by, then realizing you don't...

I'm going to get a shot and a fresh beer, anyone want one?

Jersey, 2.0

2008-07-03T10:36:00.003-04:00

So, I'm moving.

I'm not getting a New York address, but, I do get a floor all to myself, including a bathroom, and so many windows I might have to BE HAPPY sometimes - 2 on the one wall, 2 on the other that look out over the deck that they hardly use because they bbq on the balcony on the 1st floor, and a skylight in the vaulted ceiling. I needs a closet, so that means SHOPPING, and moving to the 3rd floor doesn't sound terribly exciting, but, I can pick up the keys tonight and that means I can be at least partially moved by the Monday commute.
So, welcome to Jersey 2.0, I'll be seeing if the deck is facing the right way to let me see the fireworks at the Statue of Liberty before deciding where my 4th of July party will be =)

C, This One's For You

2008-06-30T23:39:00.002-04:00

I've been asked how the house hunting is, or is not, as it were, going.

May have overdone that sentance. It's 11:39pm and I've been up since 5:55am, give me a break.

As I sit here with a pint of almost yummy ice cream in my hand, PJs on, face needing to be washed, I am letting today's flood of events just settle in and ruin my foundation.

I slept quite a bit this weekend, but not all that much last night, so I'm not sure if it's evening out or if I'm in my third wave, but somehow being stuck in traffic in my town for an HOUR this morning seems so long ago... being 45 minutes late to work because of this delay just a blip on the WTFareyougonnadoaboutitcry?getupandgettothatlastdayofthemonthstackalready! radar. Not getting the excel spreadsheet to say what I needed it to before lunch? meh. whatev.
Not getting it to say what I need it to before the end of the day?? there is no deadline on it, I'll do it with fresh eyes tomorrow. I was busy chatting up potential roomies.

That's RIGHT. Last day of the month, another Monthly Bus Pass purchase looming, and I finally get a response of "hey, let me know when you wanna come by, heres my number" instead of "thanks so much to you I so much look forward for us to be friends. I am at my job I take in London, and I have the only keys, I hope we can compromise. Just give me your full address and we can make you move very soon." Not one, but TWO places, within 2 miles of each other!!
So, I did what I had to do - put off as much work as possible to print maps and find train schedules that would get me home eventually. That didn't work out, so I took the bus to my car, then went to the grocery store for a sandwich, then got in the car and drove back up the same highway I just came down on to get within viewing distance of the city (MOT, I tried to get a pic, but I was driving down the freeway, you see the predicament). It worked out ok, I'm here and awake and surely wouldn't have been asleep before now anyway, at least I have a reason to be up this late tonight!

So, the first place might be a keeper, going to sleep on it. There are 2 rooms available, one is upstairs with 2 windows overlooking the the deck, a closet system has to be installed (where I'm not sure, might need 2) but its the vaulted sunroofed warmest room of the house with a private bath. 3 flights of stairs to get there, but I'm thinking the 4am stagger home of the roomie will be SO much less annoying without them walking past my bedroom door. On the other hand, the 2nd floor room is this blue color I've picked to have my room painted before, already has a closet AND a personal AC, and they said if a woman (hear that!?!?! these basically frat boys said WOMAN!!! I don't even call us that!!) that the two of them would share the full bathroom downstairs and give the woman the 2nd floor bath. It is a boys' place - black leather couches, they want to get rid of the massive oak dining room table, the 100 gallon fish tank is on it's way out, and they bbq more than cook on the stove these days (which is a BONUS if I might add) and they strung the dangly white Christmas lights around the living room instead of getting a lamp. They do have a completely packed rolling butler of booze bottles, a bar 2 doors down, grocery on the next block with the laundry place, and the train to the city is 4 blocks down. For the price, I'm excited - not to move up 3 flights of stairs, but that there are mattresses in the rooms so I can save that cost, a balcony to get some sunshine on, boys who party, and a local that means I can be in the city in 20 minutes (or get home from the city in 20 minutes!!).
The other one, well, the price is insanely cheap, but I think I spotted roaches, and I am having enough of a hard time getting my head around moving to the city without bugs in my house :(

All in all C, it's a tough road. I don't want to move, but I hate being here, but in my room with my things where it smells like me, it's comfortable. I'm torn between want and need, and the pick'ns are slim out there in the rental market (at least in the 36 emails I've sent out, only 2 replies weren't scams, so it feels bleak). I will suck it up and just know the next place will have some problems, so maybe having a third floor to myself (hoping I'm not getting some as the boys want the top deck) would be a great solution? Maybe a blue room will cure all? Maybe this is just the beginning of a stroke of GREAT RENTERS LUCK and I can find a place with laundry in the building by the end of the week?

In other news, Bam Bam and I chatted a bit as I was trying to get him to tell me he could get me from the train station as long as I could get back before xx pm... somewhere in there he tossed out "I'd be fine with picking you up that late, but I'd make you go down on me". His gf leaves sometime toward the beginning of August. When they broke up last time (they aren't breaking up, but she's moving 900 miles away) he was in a new chicks pants within a week. Maybe he'll be my motivation to use the gym membership I pay for??? He already has me walking like a $2 hooker who had to pay off $10K in debt over the weekend...
Totally unrelated but surprisingly tangential, the bottom of this pint (it was close to done when I started, I totally swear) has like this icy texture that is somehow MO BETTA than the whipped ice cream sitch that was going on for the rest of the pint. I don't even care that the chocolate swirl ran out, this ice part is magnifico!!
It's midnight and I'm eating ice cream and talking about the freshly 21 year old who tells me he's spending the evening with his gf but would be ok getting me from the train station between 8 and 11pm if I agree that there will be some foreplay involved... maybe it's time to cancel the gym anyway...

How are you doin, in your real world?

I Can't Keep Up

2008-06-19T22:10:00.002-04:00

I simply can't do it.
There is too much vertigo on my particular roller coaster to even start to try to document it.
I used to, it used to keep me centered in a way.
I even started a post and couldn't finish the thought so saved it and now it's so obsolete I don't remember where I was going with it.

Every day is a lifetime worth of struggle.

I have great medical insurance, I've almost got the gumption to look into finding a doctor to tell me if this is just the side effects of moving/changing jobs/changing my inner circle of friends/ growing up, or if I should be able to get through a day without a headache, a low spot, a sex fantasy, and a sense of paralyzing fear all to go with my chipper Good Mornings and exceptional chit chat with whomever crosses my path.

I will say this. I was at the gym again tonight (yes, even on top of walking nearly a mile from the bus to work, and the same trip backwards after work, I'm going to the gym, training 2-3 times a week, and doing cardio whenever I remember to put my clothes in the car so I can stop in on the way home), and my Bam Bam was so cute, and we laughed, and the workout was hard, and I got to walk'n on the treadmill anyway (cuz 2 miles was what I used to do, whats another 1 or 2 more?)... and there is something about having those doctor's office scales everywhere that just makes it so easy to get on... boys and girls, let me tell you the shock and awe that came over me when it was a solid 3 lbs less than TUESDAY.
Nope, I didn't get a haircut since then.
Yep, I was in the same shoes, and a very similar outfit.
And oh yes, I drank plenty of water today, so it wasn't that I was dehydrated.

The point isn't the 3 lbs, its that something is changing. In all this strife and worry and internalized agony, something is working hard enough to effect change.
I even turned down brownies today.
Come on!!!! That IS my weakness!!! and the free pizza last week that I passed up??? SERIOUSLY, this is some major evolution happening!!

I'd try to tell you about some of it, but honestly, so much has happened in the last 3 hours that it would take a thesis paper to catch you up on all the super fun/cool/traumatic/enticing/rediculous/noteworthy stuff that's happened since Saturday, which is incidentally how far back my memory goes.

Time to try for a normal bed time...

This Week in Sassyland

2008-06-09T20:54:00.003-04:00

Hello boys and girls,
so sorry to keep you waiting!! Sassy has been a busy busy girl, and with the job being actually time consuming, whell, computer time has been scarce!

The highlights then, because Sassy will be crashing soon and she hasn't even changed out of her work clothes... the sin of it... I mean, really...

Finding the commute not only tolerable, but somewhat like meditation. Staying awake after returning to the Jersey side is no longer a struggle, the shoe pile under the desk is very nearly every pair of heels owned, and even in the 95 degrees it was today, there is something very real about walking the blocks between work and the bus. Having devoured one entire book and half of its successor in the 3 weeks since this began, well, it's a bit invigorating to be honest ;) Sure, being a bookworm can be attributed to many of my social malfunctions as a kid, maybe even some I carry today, but, to notice my bench partner in today's travels was a young, single, well dressed gentleman on both traverses, and that the new man on the team I support and sit with was kind enough to ask if I wanted something from downstairs on the almost clock-work-like snack run (and they say girls need sugar to function! HA!) and wouldn't let me reach for my wallet and brought me back a chocolate scrumptiousness I wouldn't have allowed myself to indulge in otherwise... well, I was escorted out of the building by another staff member I hadn't met yet and was accompanied almost my entire walk by this so-obviously-enchanted fellow, I'd stopped to smell my own musk to be sure I wasn't sprinkled by a mystery fairy godmother to elicit the nicest bits of male attention!

In other news, the search for a new dwelling is underway. A few chains of chat regarding details have begun, almost a desire to be in those homes has been witnessed, and a bit of need to be cleaning up has certainly become habit. When something actually happens on this front, surely it will be noteworthy.

Other than that, the sunshine has been more than welcome, the skin tone is decidedly less akin to mayonnaise, and there was some sleep over the weekend that wasn't lullabied by the yammerings of the television.
Small accomplishments breed massive strokes to the ego, which creates a looming grin not one can deny!

In case you are wondering what the storyteller narration is about, I urge you to settle in to get used the writing style of Gregory Macguire, for after that lure, you will surely be as hooked as I have become on the tale of Elphaba before she was the Wicked Witch of the West. At my current point in the story, she is out of college and part of some job she won't tell anyone about, and I promise the strangeness of some details are eased in nicely, the clarity of scenery is shocking, and the development of characters has me forgetting the bus ride is 50 minutes or that I was motion sick most of the first 2 weeks!! Coincidentally, the strong desire for a beer upon crossing the threshold has all but disappeared as well...

When I can remember to document the incidentals of this ever widening grin, I surely will - the stack of leftover work from the person I took over for is nearly dispersed to it's properly allocated places throughout the office, ostensibly giving me time to do such things =)

Chicks are Retarded

2008-06-02T20:41:00.002-04:00

As I sit here, in the bedroom I've turned into a studio apartment (seriously, I have a spot for food and drink), on my milk crate of a computer chair (which has to be slid under a table for me to get to my shoes in the morning), I wonder why my inbox is full of messages I've forwarded myself of possible roomies from Craigslist and I vehemently avoid my inbox by doing anything besides emailing these people.

What the ever love'n piss test is the matter with me?? It's just another move, I've literally had 10 addresses in just under 4 years, and this time I don't even have a mattress to haul!!! Half my stuff is already in boxes because I can't fit it in my studio and the 1000 sq feet of downstairs space must be covered in all things Ikea (or, if we refer to the last 5 weeks, whatever Roomie emptied out of his room to make room for his chick to move in, and whatever she moved in that doesn't fit in the half a closet he cleared out for her), I can't make dinner (putting a lean cuisine in the microwave) without intruding on their conversation and space, the AC happens to always be on when I have my screenless window open which gives me a parade of flying insects to go with my ever clogging sinuses... I don't get home til 7:45pm and that I must leave the house by 7:05 every morning means I rarely give a flying love handle about making it to they gym (I am walking 2 miles a day, but it's not walking 2 miles uphill like I do at the gym, followed by intermittent running for the next 2 miles, then crunches and 15 minutes of stretching - its more of a mad dash through crowds to race for a chair to plant myself in), have invested in the biggest case of beer that will fit in my fridge, and can barely muster the energy to fully change into PJs, let alone get my car legal, fix my phone bill, even renting a movie is beyond me.

So, what gives?? Am I finally getting worried about moving the way everyone else did for me every other time? Is my lust for life so devoid that I'm finally just happy to not have as many hours to kill at home? Hiding?? But from what? Or is my breakout, need for all things sweet AND salty, poor mental attitude all weekend, lack of spunk even in the face of fantastic sex, and these welts of acne I'm itching like exposed boils an indication that the worst of me is exhibited during the ovulation part of my month and next week I'll be back on top of my game??
Incidentally, last Wednesday I had a phenomenal day at the office, I've found a great sense of pride in being able to take any of the numerous options of walking from work to my mass transit that 4 lateral and 8 longitudinal blocks can offer without hesitation, enjoyed the offerings of Indian cuisine for lunch today and truly enjoyed my meal... I'm not devoid of good stuff here, I'm just avoiding anything having to do with my personal life.
help?!?

My Men

2008-05-17T21:26:00.002-04:00

I'm obsessed with my men.
I find myself dreaming of awkward combinations of my men.
Every free moment I wish for creative ways to snare my men into my space.
I constantly want one or all of them next to me, on my phone, texting me, emailing me.

It's a sickness. I understand that. I'm avoiding getting a real man of my own, a boyfriend, because I know I'm not ready to keep myself with the opportunity that I could actually constantly be around my man.

Somehow, I am assured the healing will continue as this evolution of my life unfolds before me.
My new job is a sharp contrast from my last environment. Perhaps it is only in comparison that my heart soars with joyous delight, I can't know for sure, but it was absolutely the hardest part of my first day to not squeal with giddiness that my manager is a man, his manager is a man, if I go the other direction up the chain of command, I'm reporting to 6 men and two women, the managers of both departments I support being men. Even to hear the chatter in a different octave nearly brought a tear to my eye. OK, so I'd been up since 5am, forgot to eat 3 of my meals, and started my period midday, and every window I looked out was another view of NYC, but still.

We'll see how it goes, but with the overwhelming excitement over my first day still with me a full day later, I'm sure it will be a while before I bitch about the day job.
The house on the other hand...

New Jersey, 2.0

2008-05-11T12:28:00.005-04:00

I got fired from my job.
I was offered 2 other positions in the area.
One was back to sales.
The other, an admin job.
It was important enough that my manager's boss had the talk with me.
He's cool. He says he's from Long Island, but he's a Jersey Boy for sure.
I asked him if I could think about it.
He brought in my manager who spilled about another admin opportunity that might have opened up.
The instant she said it, my heart stopped.
It didn't make sense, they just fired a bunch of admins from that office, how could they have an open spot???

I went to my gym, I had my workout for the first time in a week.
I went home and had tapioca pudding with cool whip on top while I watched Grey's Anatomy and painted my toe nails for the first time since I got here.
I tried calling everyone I could think of that might appreciate my situation, make me feel better, tell me to start freaking out or tell me this is what it is.
No one answered my calls, or even replied to a text.
By 11pm, I realized it was time to think about this, got online to check out the competitive market, thought about the 3 positions with the company I'd been offered, thought about all the places I'd wanted to move but didn't because of the commute, thought of how I was told I'd take on the work of 2 fired people 3 weeks ago so I could keep my job and how I had just gotten ok with my world the way it is and that I'd gotten fired. Again. By a Jersey Boy, in this company again.
I checked my bank accounts, to solidify options.
I decided everything would be ok, because the last time I was blindsided by being tossed by a Jersey Boy in this company, I had the same amount of money as I will after Thursday's paycheck. Even after I pay rent.
I looked at the calendar. Thursday also marks the 6 month anniversary of me pulling into Jersey to call it my new home.

When all said and done, I'm still not in actual belief of how it's all come down on me.
I guess I should be flattered that life thinks I'm ready for growth spurts every 6 months. I guess I won't be bitter that I wanted change so ferociously for so long and now I get it. I'll bite my tongue at the vile things I want to say about how this job was never what I moved out here to take and that I resent how my trying to work instead of gossip in this office has surely played a part in this. And I'll not begrudge my manager for so obviously making mine the disposable job, giving all the cross trained back up duties to the newest girl to the team, and for her not giving me any clue that this might happen after I looked her in the face 3 weeks ago and asked to be told directly if I needed to be looking for a new job.

When all is said and done, I don't have time for all that bullshit.
So, I got fired, and??? It's happened before, and it's been nothing but the very best thing for me because it lets me do what I need to in order to launch my life to the next step.
This job, it was a stepping stone to get me here. It was the easiest option I had at the time and I needed to get to the east coast.
My sister had called while I was wondering if I was centered or crazy for not panicing to be let go when every company is downsizing and the market is actually flushed with reasonable competition, she reminded me of the things I was excited to do when I got to the east coast that I hadn't even attempted to do since I got here.
And, after having a conversation with my manager Friday morning, and my new manager Friday afternoon, I was free to actually get excited about this change.

So, here we have Sassy in Jersey, 2.0, with commutes on public transportation, pouring over subway maps, and ensuring all metro passes are readily available, because friends,
I've got a new job right smack in the midst of New York City!!!!!!

Affirmed

2008-05-05T21:23:00.002-04:00

I like Monday.
I like it pretty much every time it comes around.
That's about all I have to say on this subject right now.

Grooming

2008-05-04T12:08:00.002-04:00

When you live the life of a single person who's friends are basically all via the internet or text message, the weekends become a test.
Sure, it's kinda nice to do whatever you want whenever you want, but how many hours of cleaning and masturbating can one person log before they need something to do??
This leads many weekends to be filled with menial tasks, made up deadlines, to do lists that mean nothing if they don't get done. Often, this list includes many of those solitary single behaviors like bleaching, tweezing, shaving, tanning, hydrating, exfoliating, primping and preening that I'd somehow fit into a life if I had one, but as it turns out, for years now I've been able to dedicate just about every other Saturday or Sunday or both to these ritualistic recognitions of my body as a temple and pouring hours of effort into changing it's appearance.

This morning was filled with a pile of boredom accompanied with a dose of apathy, but I did make an appointment to get my hair chopped off, so suddenly, with a time pressure, I've found 47 things to do besides just go. As I'm adding nutrients to the water I'm feeding my plants, I realize that I've accumulated quite a pile of the trimmings I've pulled from my little darlings all crammed in front of the windows. Between the ends that were munched by the cat, the leaves that fell on their own, the fronds at the bottom that have fallen dead as the tops reach ever higher, I thought for a second at how I've been trying to shed my dead weight, and how unsuccessful I've been so far. As I tugged on a dying branch not quite ready to be detached from the main bush, as I saw every bit of that root bundle dead with one tiny green sprout coming from the middle of it all, I saw how similar my growth is.
One of my favorites was a vining sprawling expanse in a beautiful cobalt blue pot that literally had to be wrapped around my entire backseat on the way out here. It didn't fare the trip well, and was down to 3 leaves on it's meager 2 stems by Christmas. It is nothing like it was, but I didn't give up on it - if it wanted to be 3 leaves instead of 300, so be it. Today I see 3 new unraveling leaves that weren't there last Sunday, it's up to 17 fully sprouted (though fairly small) bright green and facing the sunshine petals of life. As I look at the sad buds that prove where the greatness once came from this pot, I see how this evolution was needed to create this new and different but still wonderful version of this fantastically metaphorical centerpiece.

Lets hope this spring treats me as well as these little lovelies show me it can - I'm bored of hibernating, I'm ready to shed the dead weight, and if I find someone who can see past remnants of what I used to be appreciate my fresh and tender new growth for what it is and what it will become, I hope they are close enough to also take me to lunch after an afternoon of grooming.

Musings on a Sunday Afternoon

2008-04-27T14:23:00.004-04:00

I had a whole rant here on how stupid it is to hate growing up and how lame I am for resorting to stupid crutches and useless mindfucks to get where I am now, and how I think I've broken my own heart in the midst of looking for who I am when I'm not trying to be what someone else needs.

Instead, however, I'll bypass the sobfest with a Ctl-A and a swat of Delete, and instead heed my own favorite quote "what you think about, you bring about" and sit for a minute with some contented thoughts.

I highly suggest, even if you aren't a chip eater, a splurge on Terra exotic vegetable chips. They are just other root veggies cooked like chips, today I'm enjoying the Mediterranean version crushed over my salad dressed with feta cheese and red wine and oil dressing, but the crunch and the flavor of each color being decidedly different, and with a more sophisticated flavor combination than cheddar and sour cream (garlic, oregano, and olive oil with a hint of lemon to be exact), well, I'm dressed in gym clothes but somehow think these flavors demand at least a taster of white wine to adequately complete the palat.

For quite some time now, I've chosen not to bother with things that I used to obsess over. I remember my mom laughing quite hard as she walked in to catch me singing to the radio and tidying my sock drawer (by color, occasion, freuency, and leaving room for the 3 pair currently in the wash, we don't want anything out of order...) - of late, my socks are matched but tossed into a bucket of sorts, panties catagorized into 2 buckets as well with "shows panty lines" and "doesn't show panty lines" as the only differentiation. I'm realizing now that perhaps I was on to something in my younger days, especially when it comes to making the bed. Even if I spend all day in bed, there is just something about having to pull back the covers and lay the pillow down that makes it Bedtime. If you aren't in this habit, I'd urge you to try it for a few days and report back if there is a marked difference in your ability to fall asleep and get restful sleep.

I've basically given up on moving out. This is spurred by the continued absence of the girlfriend, causing the roomie to be a bit more chatty, a bit less messy, and quiet in the evenings. I've certainly grown a tollerance to the BS of it all, but as a school teacher with plenty of duties and commitments after work, I find that his regular evening routine amounts to coming in between 9 and 10pm, grabbing a bowl of cereal, and retreating to his room. I'm a bit excited that he's decided his room needed a massive overhaul this weekend and the bed frame is in peices in the living room =) And that he's already had the AC going and has forgotten to ask for bill money in 3 months, well, with the price of gas, milk, eggs, bread, meat, veggies, and I'm sure soon air going up with no myth that it will ever come down, I'm finding a peace in my cheap rent and already-here-ness.

New habits are hard, right? But that doesn't mean they aren't worth while though. I'm thinking if I just keep at whatever I'm doing, whatever isn't my old comfort zone will eventually be part of my new comfort zone, and if I just keep at it, I'll get into a new groove. For better or for worse is yet to be determined, but I think wanting to spend the afternoon walking instead of drinking might be a step in at least a healthier direction, no?
Some things don't have to totally change though, like the bliss that is Ben and Jerry's ice cream. I can't seem to ever find my true favorite, chocolate brownie frozen yogurt, but the light phish food I picked up has added a particular kind of yumminess to my afternoon, even if I did have to leave most of the chunks of phish to swim for next time.

I'm running pretty low on energy to force a smile or happy thoughts these days, I'm a little impressed at myself for coming up with this meager list, but at least it's not another whinefest, right? ;)

Batter Up!

2008-04-22T22:15:00.002-04:00

The hits just keep comin folks, get yur popcorn and soda pop and hunker in for a doozie of a show!!!

That's all I've got in me right now, but lets just say that I got my haircut Sunday, it's decidedly exactly what I asked her not to do, and I've found out that I can go back and ask for her next Sunday on her next shift and get it done the way I want for free. When I got here the week before Thanksgiving, it was darn near to my ass, the cut I really liked had it just past the shoulder, and I asked this chick to take it up 3 inches from there. The point is, this time next week, I won't be wearing my childhood security blanket down my back anymore; I'm changing, and it hurts, and people are noticing, and some are really verbal about how much they don't like me, and when it's on top of about every random thing coming from the easy daily contacts, it's just enough to get you to spastically clean.
That's right, I didn't reach for the bourbon or the beer and I didn't go out for brownies, I found enough carpet to vacuum, hung a picture, did laundry, and the shower is soaking in some goo I have to scrub off soon.
And ya know what?? I don't feel any better, but, I don't feel any worse, and maybe I'll stop sneezing when I come home, so there is today's silver lining.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm done with this game today, too many stray balls I didn't see coming have me more exhausted than the pop flies and fouls I actually got to swing at, so I'm going to take a long hot shower, use the yummy body butter before curling up in some fresh PJs with a cup of hot tea, and let this day ooze off of me before I attempt a good night's sleep. If you want to play with me, work this quizzical dilemma over a bit: if one decides to be single, to spend time alone to decide what they want/like/need from life/love/work/home but they find ways to constantly put themselves in situations that require dating skills (like, say, moving across the country and being nice to everyone they meet because, say, everyone has "gotta guy" who might put sugar in your gas tank for not saying Excuse Me when passing in the grocery isle or whatever), and those in the know often toss out "you should be in the service industry, you are great with people!" and "why aren't you in sales, you are a natural!" and "your job should be helping people somehow, someway, because you just brighten my day so effortlessly, you could be a life changer for those in need just by being you!!"... if all the attention is there, just from severely inappropriate sources, and one thrives on it as if it were oxygen itself... should one find a woman's campus to hibernate in until the wounds heal over and the spine grows in, or stop with the pussy footing around and get on some dating sites and plan on never having dinner alone again? Just a little 'what if' to work over amongst yourselves, I'll check in after I decide if sleeping pills should make it onto the shopping list.

Exhausted

2008-04-21T21:20:00.002-04:00

Ok, uh, who was that chick on the last post?

Me?? Geez, how long ago was THAT?

Friday??

huh.

It's absolutely astounding what Flo will do to a woman.
Let's hope all this bs can be blamed on that bitch. I'll check back in a few days, let's see if that Friday perky happy about everything when there isn't even sunshine but it doesn't matter cuz she'll shit you a rainbow chick makes a trip back around.

I can say this - growing a spine hurts. Getting it kicked in while it's still fresh, by people who didn't know it wasn't there before and have no idea how crippling their little blows can be because they can't stop talking about themselves to see the crushing effect they have on the person standing right in front of them??? Well, I think that hurts worse. I'm told by those who know me that being a doormat isn't the best thing, but getting up from being a doormat ain't for the weak of heart. And, I am, weak of heart. So, there we have it.

ttys, let's find something to be happy about instead of thinking of getting in the car to go to work and never showing up and never getting back home and living somewhere in those middle states where no one will find me...

OK, ok, ok, ok, are you ready?

2008-04-18T11:49:00.002-04:00

The whole event took less than 5 minutes, though I'm so excited about it I could write enough to have you reading it for longer than that, but as I'm too kind, I'm going to cut to the chase.

I had Little Trainer Boy take my measurements last night. We haven't done this since the first or second week of January. I was impressed at the first one, that my weight was on the higher side of my range, that my inches were what they were, that women's sizes are so deceiving when compared to actual measurements.
While he was super impressed at my first measurement, the neck, going down by half an inch (for which I had to razz him incessantly because he just went to his girlfriend's sorority formal and had to actually know his neck size for the shirt he had to wear, and I never even have a top button if I do wear a button up), I was more impressed that every other body part had also gone down by at least half an inch at the muscular parts (bicep, calf) and an inch to an inch and a half at the fatty bits.
RIGHT. So, even with the brownie platter and the intermittent gym attendance and irregular workouts with Little Trainer Boy and his death by hamstring curl, I'm seeing in plain blue ink that 11lbs can make a big difference.
So, with the office of girls committed to pulling out their Weight Watchers materials and adhering to those guidelines starting Monday, I'm ready to see what a more dedicated attitude can do for this fitness thing.
Lets face it, when you've got muscular legs, and you can see your bicep flex when you brush your hair in the morning, and the weather warms up, it's a lot easier to want to get rid of the Jello covered parts and get into some shorts and a tank top and see if Little Trainer Boy will actually jump on you like a bonobo monkey the way he says he does when he sees toned legs, because, damn, that would be worth the pain!!!
To add to the fun of the day, I have to admit I'm so thrilled to find out that while the company has a closed-toed-shoe policy, my manager understands that we have no contact with the public and therefore lets us get pretty casual with our business casual attire, and with the temps in the 70s for the 3rd day in a row, I am more than excited to find out that my 10 pair of open toed sandals will get to become part of my work wear wardrobe again!! Oh, with the slip on sandals and the skirts and the cap sleeved tops, the hair is getting cut again soon and the tan is starting to take, add to it a couple inches dropped without really trying and the motivation that breeds, and this Garden State is about to see a whole new side of this Cali Girl!!

Gotta Love It

2008-04-17T12:52:00.002-04:00

Here I was, all ready to post that I was having a good day, that the AH-HAH was more like when you notice the fog has cleared than a lightning bolt, I'm feeling refreshed and pleasantly exhausted by the experience but on the whole very proud of myself, and in 20 minutes I'm a mess again.
Not a 10 car pileup like last week, not a garage fire like this week, just the kind that Merry Maids could take care of for $300, but still. What the hell does it take to get a little stability around here? And why is it that Alpha Dog gets in a shit mood and I'm the one cowering in a corner about it?? I leave the room and I don't respond to the curses to the sky and I don't feed into the monster, but honestly, is it that hard to keep your life in your own cube??
So, I'm sitting here in the muck she left, and it's compounded by my willingness to help her get something done for Boss ASAP, only to find when I come back from running all over the next door office for her that she is on the phone with every place that has her old credit card on file and yelling that Boss was making her nuts - then everything I did to help she had to go and redo, on speaker, so I could hear everyone I'd just talked to face-to-face saying exactly what they told me and I told her. One more email from Boss and she was so fed up she had to leave the office for a while.
Well, at least I know that clean sheets make the day start well. That's something. Maybe I'll get a chance to soak up some sunshine on a lunch break of my own, but with the rant about how all lunches must be taken by 2pm on the week I've been leaving at 3:30pm, well, I just can't wait for that melodrama to unfold!

Ballhair

2008-04-15T12:30:00.001-04:00

I thought taking the day off would clear my head and make it all easier because of my new found peace... turns out, you need to stay firmly entrenched in your version of the BS or else it will eat you alive when you get back into it.
It's like quicksand, it's futile to fight, so you just sit and be quiet and let it suck you in.
Plus, I didn't get the cathartic WOW I was expecting. Still waiting, trying to let the thoughts pass through my head with barely a notice, hoping one will plant itself right in front of me and demand that this is the one to pay attention to, act on, build the next steps of my life with.
Until then... avoiding the cookie platter and enjoying whatever smiles I get, even if it is a one liner from a taken 20 year old...

Wholly Heart Attack Batman!

2008-04-11T16:49:00.003-04:00

As a public service, I present to you a list of possible ways to perform routine checks of your adrenal system. These can be used to help you get over the 2nd day hangover from not getting any sleep mid week, perk up mid afternoon, as a way to help you quit caffeine cold turkey, or just to test your deodorant application today.
As the creator of this list, and at the tail end of it's tests myself, I'd recommend not attempting them all in the same day. I am setting goals for 30 years old, not quite there yet, have lived a healthy lifestyle with no illegal drug addictions or favorite barista at the coffee house even, and I fear I may need hospitalization before sun up tomorrow because of my extensive testing of this list. I do feel I need to offer my findings to you, in case you need to check your heart health.

-- Realize that if you have 2 alarms set, only the first one goes off, the second one blinks instead of beeps. Do so as you thank Daylight Savings Time for having the sun up when you need to be up, and that article you read saying you should drink more water as you waddle/hobble/race to the bathroom to start the shower and decide which morning steps can be done during the commute.
-- Do half your morning routine in the car while driving roads with stoplights, side streets, and school buses who stop for train tracks. For added appeal, be sure to ram something in your eye as you slam on the brakes. If not applicable, try to catch your drink as it catapults from your cup holder. If you can do both at the same slam-on-the-brakes stop of the block, you will get the added shot of go-go juice from the shock of pain to your eye and hand. Not for those with heart disease in the family.
-- Have a cop jut out behind you, follow you for the 2 blocks after you've passed a semi in that 102 feet before it actually becomes 2 lanes. Maximum effect achieved when his lights go on. If/when he passes you, do not expect your heart rate to normalize, this method will keep your cheeks flushed for a good 5 miles.
-- Try to run over your boss as they walk across the parking lot as you drive in 8 minutes late, then divert course so they don't see it's you driving in. Previous tardiness has proven that even if she beats you into the building, sometimes you can make it look like you got there first- another heart racing experiment, I suggest not doubling them up if at all possible. If unavoidable, be sure to mention that you saw them walking in, offer to do their coffee run for them so they can get right to work.
-- Watch the office lay off dozens of people in 3 days. Notice that every time you get asked for something you are eating, drinking, in the bathroom, or checking emails. Then get a meeting request for 3:30pm, knowing the boss leaves at 4pm. The email at 3:15pm could be hard to arrange, but it will add a kick to your afternoon only a white line can compare to.
-- Be told no supplies are needed for this meeting, but to close the door behind you.
-- Watch the boss explain this and that aspect of the business, it's longevity, mastermind projects from the upper levels of management that has to be carried out one way or another, and sleepless nights over what she has to do with her directives. Give this a good 15 minutes, you will feel your chest and face and ears and scalp tingle with all the extra blood flow as you try to politely stare and bite your tongue so as not to ask to just get it out already.
-- Straight up ask if you are being told to pack your desk to move to another office location or out of the company all together. Be sure the person on the other side of the desk pauses after being asked any question, let alone one that requires an answer with meaning and/or tact, this will inspire actual chest pains, letting you know that not only is your heart working at full capacity, your pecs have had to step in to help.
-- Leave the office with a boatload of information you have nothing to do with, don't know if you can share, and are fairly positive is way above your rank on the totem pole. Mentally run over if you actually were told anything of use to you. Ruminate on if you gave any information that was actually taken in context. Realize you were talked over every time you opened your mouth. This will cause you to loose feeling in your extremities, your peripheral vision to disappear, and the ability to communicate will be not so momentarily incapacitated. Do Not attempt to move while this happens. If you do, blame the ripple in the industrial carpet for your trip. Find a safe secluded place, like your cubicle, and ride the wave.
-- Have the flash of a memory of "this all has to be decided by Tuesday" just as your breath starts to return to normal. Realize that you told her you understood head count cuts need to happen, and that you don't work as well without a team to support - basically negating her ability to move you around the company, or into a roll like you used to have, opening up 30 other offices to work out of. This test is especially effective if you check your emails and find 12 ads for possible places to live have been forwarded to you, 4 of which are in towns your company has offices in.
At this point, I must stress, don't fight the hyperventilation. Especially if you must continue working. It will be much easier to work when you get your metacarpal, visual, and auditory functions working again.
-- Have a coworker invite themselves to your couch for a make-out session. Be sure you are in the company of people who would have no reason to know if it is a joke or not. Works best if you work with them every day. You will know if this is a good heart attack moment if there is dead silence in the room.
-- Get hungry, have no food with you, have a Snapple. Forget there is caffeine in it even if it's diet. This will feel like you have ingested actual hard core drugs. The headache is normal, don't try to satiate it with water, this adds to the dizziness. Find crackers ASAP, before the spins set in. Office chairs are not meant to catch you when you try to stand up in this state, I implore you to find a way to avoid falling back into your seat, as this can leave a nasty bruise in a number of places as you fall into every binder, staple remover, cord, and edge of the table behind your insufficient seat.

It will, if you've done it right, feel like you've partaken in a college experiment to determine if blood letting is a significant and worthy medical technique. Also, I suggest being inappropriately lightly dressed for practicing any (or all, as the case may be) of these heart rate spike tests, as it is a little intriguing to see someone in a scoop neck flushed, not so much with a turtleneck sweater.

This has been a test of the Sassy Emergency Response System. You'll be glad to hear I have made it through this series of tests and have planned a night of rented movies and perhaps a few shots of tequila as a reward for enduring such mild shocks throughout the day. I am still a bit flushed, and kinda hungry, and my chest is sore from the workout, but I assure you, any of these are guaranteed to rewarm chilled fingers, fight back the pins and needles of sleeping limbs, and test your fortitude for standing upright at any given moment.
Now back to your regularly scheduled moody rant...

Just When You Get Comfortable...

2008-04-08T23:23:00.002-04:00

I knew it.
I fucking knew it.
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

Well, at least my chin is breaking out, letting me think maybe I can blame some of this on PMS.

The fun broke today. At 3:30pm.
I'd been merrily going along in my someone sedated but none the less moderately happy demeanored way, very proud of myself in so many areas of my recent behavior, and I came back from a lovely loner lunch with my book and my salad in the window seat at the local eatery and stood for that extra moment to soak up the sunshine before getting back to the office where I found the email that got me wondering who exactly the boss had been demoting and/or cutting all day and how far this recession is really going to go in affecting my daily life.
I guess it's not all that serious, but when all I do is approve stuff and my boss wants to see everything before I approve it, well, I know she won't do what I do, but I'm kinda not seeing that my job will seem all that important when she can whip out her red pen and toss back a stack of papers.
The cross training has begun, and that we have people in our small (but double the size of this time last year) team planning to be out for maternity leave within the year, and I do have some stuff to do on the other days of the month (though my coworkers haven't been able to wait for me to get to work to do some of it lately).
Anyway, that on top of roomie searches on top of single apartment searches on top of coming home for dinner to find I can't even approach the kitchen to going upstairs to find someone had just finished a shower in my bathroom to a little moment of taking deep breaths to wait for the impluse to chug alcohol or chow pie to pass... so, all this stuff has been pretty latent lately, and just when I think I'm getting back in control of my emotions and remembering a healthy perspective on this shit, Trainer Boy responds to my text of "ok, I saw you every other day, so now the prospect of not seeing you for 10 days has me bursting with questions to ask you" with "you got me at such a good time, I'm so horny right now..."
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
I have been awsome at turning down the food addiction, I don't even have alcohol in the house and haven't for weeks now (I must go out in public and with people to drink, much different!) , and the gym thing is becoming more of a choice than a chore, and I'm so proud of myself every time I notice that I don't do something because someone else wants me to and for voicing my actual opinion and for taking care of myself and being upbeat and NOT CRYING so much lately, and on the afternoon that has me meditating through the tears I get an offer of hottie sex with a totally inappropriate guy - one of the other vices I haven't been so good at controlling.
Yada yada, an hour later with the texting back and forth he is getting tired and since I didn't have a drink tonight I'm clear headed enough to know these impulses pass.
Don't worry, I didn't miss out, he's totally hooked on me, and probably every other chick he tells to stick their chest out and watches their ass do squats, he just needs to turn 21 so we can get drunk and screw.
Did you see that???? I got propositioned by a super hottie but have been so good at being a good girl that I turned down the opportunity to royally fuck up our flirty friendly and TOTALLY WORKING FOR ME trainer/trainee relationship, then had to slip in the "but he'd have said that to anyone who texted him at 9:30pm".
Stupid hormones. No amount of walking a treadmill or bench presses will combat the NUCKING FUTS in my head.
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
And, now I'm horny. fuckityfucken kid didn't even send the pic I've seen and been begging for since Thursday. Remember Sexy, that gym rat I screwed all over the county?? Yeah, he looks like that, but with brown eyes, and a bit more smarts behind them.
aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh IIIIIIIII really don't like this phase of no control, the part where I start to take control and it blows up in my fucking face.
Plus, now I resent my boss for screwing with my day - I don't even approve anything for another 2 weeks, why did she have to throw that out today???
I'm hungry and horny and I didn't get my workout and I can't decide where or how I want to live and I don't think I'm dating coworker all week and no one gets my witty comments in email or text anymore and this is the kinda of state that gets me doing really stupid things, or in bed for a month.
fuck.fuck.fuck.
fuck.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

2008-04-06T22:03:00.002-04:00

Alright, from the two posts from yesterday morning, I can see I'm a bit off my rocker.

Though the details are fascinating, absolutely mind blowingly off the charts even for me - not all bad, not all good, just way off the fucking map - I mean, how many rants about bad roomies and stupid chicks and flirting with inappropriate boys and driving around New Jersey can you hear before you completely disown me?

I'll tell ya, I'm not in the mood to test that limit today. Not in that weepy woah is me pass me a tissue and stop pouring the Merlot kinda way, don't get me wrong, I'm feeling pretty ok, which is completely unexpected considering how I typically go over and over this kind of feeding frenzy of existential crisis like I actually live on dramatic fits alone. Nope, this time I'm ready to admit that I've hit MY limit of the bullshit, that I've apparently maxed out my frustration with these lovely blows to the ego and the happy spirit, that I've become comfortable in my supposed misery.
While I can't quite decide if this is the mature or simply instinctual reaction, I've resigned to just be.
PMS is next week, the breakouts have already started, we'll see how long this lasts, but that I'm here NOT talking about any of it says libraries about how I've just accepted it.
And knowing that a particular state of hell must be reached for the calm to set in scares the shit out of me, but knowing that I'm not comfortable unless the comfort zone is in hell is a recent revelation I didn't think I wanted to prove, that apparently I have.

I will say this though, I'm making some moves these days, I'm standing up for myself a little more, I'm choosing my battles instead of excusing my defeats afterward, and I'm proud to not have the 'what if' reel playing in my head, no matter how the outcomes may fall.

What I have to add to all this is what made me realize I've gone batshit crazy - the cackling, aching, gasping for air hysterics that has me now yawning because my brain was without oxygen for THAT long... a sentance from a post, again from the blogroll I forbid you to scroll through, but one I visit for giggles now and again: If you were to dip a Dr. Seuss book in acid and then lick it from cover to cover, this might be what you'd sketch.
aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhahaahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahaha ::GASP:: ::Tom Hanks' 'Money Pit' laugh:: ::Steve Martin's 'The Jerk' laugh:: ::tear, one, from each eye, and some drool::

I'm off to enjoy a bed of perfectly puffed pillows to lay my not so puffy face on (Go. Me. with the turning down of potato chips and not adding a chocolate bar to the end of the leftover mu shu pork dinner).

Two Posts, One Morning!!!

2008-04-05T08:36:00.002-04:00

OK, so I'd logged on to check the weather, had to pour a little soul out before the shower and coffee (because I couldn't get into my shower or brush my teeth for the coffee, which they drank the whole 10 cups I left for them but not even a warmer of sludge left for me 20 minutes later - they only make 3 cups at a time, how did they do that??), so I decided to check up on my blogroll.

It needs help, don't go there, I'm on it as soon as I get an actual chair to sit in to do it (the milk crate puts my legs to sleep).

One in particular has me completely hooked, like a soap opera wrapped in prime time drama dipped in coke and topped with warm triple chocolate brownies.
So, I'm reading from the bottom up because I just have a whole thing with it now and refuse to let the office environment cramp my enjoyment of sporadic tear droppage and can't get to the home computer every night for fear of forgetting what the actual world looks like, and at the top I see a button, that's a link, that talks about another page. You can immediately see why I HAD to click on it:
(OK, she posted the button link but it's telling me the "tag is not closed" and I don't know how to fix that, so just go here and scroll to the Mickey)

Now, it's been a while since I've been all up in the Blogger World, but before I knew it I was 3 pages over and realizing that if I didn't stop reading my eyes would surely swell shut, and seeings that I have plans that involve driving today, that really would be a problem.

So here's the deal - I knew how to get around Disneyland before I knew how to read a clock. My mom used to sign my school absence notes like this: "Miss Sassy had a very important appointment at my establishment, could not reschedule, had to miss the whole day. Sincerest Apologies, Mickey Mouse." If I could have stolen my school records just for this, I promise I'd buy a scanner to post it to prove it. My parents went to Disneyland for their honeymoon. My cousins loved the idea so much, they did the same - a few of the cousins actually. I made it my pilgramage every year for 10 years starting with my high school grad trip. I tell everyone they MUST experience it, especially if they never went as a kid, it's better as an adult anyway, you can eat as many ice cream sundaes as you can afford and you don't have to take potty breaks from the Jungle Cruise line.
Add to it that Mom died of cancer 6 weeks after diagnosis and this woman has just heard she is a THREEPEAT.
Apparently this time it's worse.
This I can't wrap my head around.
I watched the first set of pills turn my mom from someone with a headache and blurred vision into a water retaining puff of mentally incapacitated weakling barely able to lift a full cup of coffee (we quit buying gallons of milk, couldn't get the half gallon in a carton, had to be the plastic with the handle).
This woman wants to go to DISNEYLAND.
I don't have the energy to think about Disneyland some days.
She is being eaten alive by her own body and this is her wish?

I'm not pulling the Mom card. Really, I resent everyone who carries that kind of baggage like a satchel that motivates every favor they need.
I'm really not asking you to donate because I know you who email me on the side that you've read my posts that I should have buttons for YOU..
I wanted to point out that I might be posting more often because I've found more humanity in the last 12 minutes of blogrolling than I have in the last 4 months of living in this house, working at this job, or existing in my insulated life.
I was deeply touched by this stranger with an alias, and I feel more alive in these tear stained cheeks that I thought I was capable of.

In case you are so inclined, my lurkers, I liked this button too - they reached the $3000 goal in the 3 days between first post and when I read it, so this family can have a dream vacation with their maybe fatally diagnosed mom, but the way no one would tell me anything about the billing of even 6 weeks of cancer, well, you know the insurance company isn't helping her anymore and she will need some new comfy sweats to fight this in:

I'd love to stay and chat, but it's supposed to get up to 60 degrees today and I'm looking forward to appreciating the wind in my hair a little more emphatically today.
Word of the Day: ohgofuckyourselfhonesttearsarefantasticandI'llhaveasmanyasIwant, or, ifyouwantsomegogetthemthelinksarerightherebutbewareofactualprimalinstinctdrivenempathy.

Moven On Up

2008-04-05T07:21:00.003-04:00

I posted on a roomie website a few weeks back, thinking the worst that could happen is I could appreciate my current situation more. So what if it's 40 minutes to work from 3 towns over?? At least it's not putting 40 miles on my car!! I live so far from everything it's a chore to get gas??? Who cares, you don't need a house key because we never lock the door this neighborhood is so safe!! Housemates so inconsiderate they beat furniture into the walls and play basketball in the house??? Well, it forces you to get out of the house more often!!!
OK, so I'm done convincing myself that I should stay here.
There is a lot of my Jersey life here - gym, luncheonette, finally found a grocery store I like, the coffee at the one spot is what I wake up for on Saturday's... alas, I'm going to meet one of the roomie website people this weekend, because she and I finally connected last night and spent 3 hours on the phone, then she invited me to spend basically the whole weekend with her, and is forwarding me apartment postings that are absolutely flooring me with how divine they are - and CHEEEEEEEP!
Now, all the rest of it comes into play, the drive, the gym, the reestablishing a life, but, I've moved like a bazillion times now, and when I woke up this morning, at 7am (when I should wake up for work but can't manage it til 7:45am) and check my phone to find a voicemail, not just a text, from the roomie (we ONLY chat through text, and that's IF it's significant enough to warrent telling me - parties of 15 that start at 9pm don't count) who asks at midnight Friday if his 'guest' who will be staying in the kids room he's been cleaning for a solid week and just found the carpet of can use my shower all weekend.
OK, I think, how hard can it be to not be on this person's schedule?? I know he didn't come home til late last night, I'm up early even for me... what is that noise??? Oh, you mean I woke up to someone already in my bathroom and she is finally in the shower?? Alrighty, I'm done, thanks but no thanks, I'm going to find a place that doesn't make a trip to the city an all day affair, a roomie that won't eat all my eggs just in time for me to want to make an omlette, and anywhere where I get enough respect to at least be able to piss in my own pot in the morning.
I might freak out, but I think all the building up of my stockpile of goods here was a great reason to have stayed, and now that I've knowingly kept my stupid phone past the 30 day return period and given up the idea of blowing my wad on an iPhone (because the money channel says they are out of stock for a reason and their new product is coming out a quarter early!!!!), well, it's all pointing to this Jersey Girl moven right on up, and to the east side (right next to the Holland Tunnel, if your mapper is so inclined, mine wouldn't let me link it for you) of this Garden State, to try to find the creature comforts of home, like sleep.

Bad Girl

2008-04-01T21:03:00.002-04:00

Being naughty just feels good, doesn't it?
Even being home and leaving my shoes on is such a change from the usual, it feels like I'm being bad, and somehow that is exactly what I need today.
It's been alllllllllll day now.
Got to work late with no excuses.
Took off the sweater to reveal the too-sheer-for-no-cami-that-is-what-the-sweater-was-for shirt.
Remembered, then promptly forgot, to do some of my first of the month things (why some of my Outlook task list has the reminders working and others don't is beyond me, but whatever).
Have been using pet names with absolutely everybody. Everybody. Like my boss. And the checkout kid at the convenience store.
I rekindled the thrill of a lone quickie in the restroom today, THAT is how naughty I've been!!!

OK, so some of it has to do with the temptation of maybe having a guy to be interested in hanging over my head all last week and then sitting here in limbo as he decides to call or not. Part of it might be the afternoon of flirting with a friend I have written off quite a number of times now, making the "oh, you're doing yardwork, I'd love to get dirty with you, do you think the neighbors would notice?" so much more indulgent because he is on my Bad Boy list as it is. Perhaps this is the other way to spend energy when I'm not at the gym - much better than moping, though just as much of a waste of time and mental energy.

Even the delight of a sushi dinner with Co-Worker With a Crush is adding to the sinful heaven of the day. To feel full, to know the sauces are laiden with fats and sugars, to have it be a surprise invite and a great uninterupted conversation... well, she is kinda on my Bad Girl list too, and I don't say that just because she smacked her ass as she walked away then looked over her shoulder and winked at me as she made sure I saw that.

Loving this time of elevated mood, no matter what brought it on. Adoring that I have about 20545 things that could make me upset right now, and two weeks ago they did, but today I just can't muster the energy to let this shit bother me.
Just watch - I'm growing a spine, I'm becoming comfortable as ME, with ME, for ME, by ME... if history repeats, he's lurking around the corner. And he is going to ruin me. Please please let's make this go around let me keep ME in the picture.

Weekends Rule

2008-04-01T01:51:00.002-04:00

I meant to convey the absolute brilliance of this weekend before having to tell the story 4947902342780 times, but, I will say that sleep does not a weekend make, I love to flirt, and I might be talking a lot more about the bar scene in upcoming posts. Let's hope I can either manage this week on 5 hours of sleep at a time and reset next weekend, or find a way to work out at 2am when I actually feel like being active. Oh lordy, I'd love to be active at 2am these days, but if the pool of men is exemplified by the super nice and mentally competant but utterly moveless beau contestant of Saturday's outing, well, the 2am workouts won't be the Bedspread Olympics I hope for. For now, maybe 2am will just be post nap bed time.

Ain't That Some Shit

2008-03-26T13:09:00.001-04:00

Are you an eater??
I totally am.
Bored, angry, tired, extatic, celebrating, mourning, working, playing - no matter what, I'm either actually eating or thinking eating can fix it.
It's a learned thinking pattern, I get it, and therfore I think I can train myself to UNlearn it.
If you've ever tried to break a habit, you get it.
Here's the thing though - sometimes, when I am angry, tired, frustrated, apathetic, distractable, etc., eating actually DOES help.
Have you ever met a menstruating woman who hasn't eaten in 6 hours?? She is a bit off kilter with a hair trigger temper, but give her half a sandwich and maybe a chocolate square and she gains the ability to at least attempt to notice she is a whack job.

Imagine my surprise, after noticing everything I've put in my mouth since the new year (add your dirty joke here), to find I really had no interest in food yesterday. Sunday I was busy at the dog park and made a latte instead of a cup of coffee so I figured I was just full of milk calories to keep my normal afternoon hunger from hitting, Monday I ate good food whenever I got hungry all day, but yesterday I really had NO interest in food whatsoever. Like, it took me 90 minutes to have the breakfast I usually chow by the second stoplight of my drive in the morning, and lunch was opening 2 half sandwiches from the training room, stacking the meat side of one on the grilled veggie side of the other, and that tall half sandwich took me the ENTIRE afternoon to eat. Naturally I got hungry while on a machine at the gym, but when I didn't get a reply from Trainer Boy as to if continuing the workout would be better or worse, I just kept on going. And going, and going, and when I got tired but there were only 10 minutes left of the show I was watching, I just kept on going. 2 hours on a cardio machine (not sweating my tits off the whole time, but if you're just watching TV, walking is better than sitting, right? and when you get that incline up to 8.0, it will get that heart rate going just fine!), a protein shake I took half an hour to slup down, and STILL this morning I'm not giving a RIP about food!!!

So, here's what I'm thinking. I watched part of this show on National Geographic with this guy saying he can make you thin. The idea was to watch something that would put me to sleep, the PBS-like set looked like it might work. Turns out this guy was saying just what I told Trainer Boy a few weeks ago - eat when your hungry, eat what you want, but eat consciously, and stop when you're full. I HATE waiting for the alarm to go off to eat, I HATE feeling like I HAVE to finish the portion, I KNOW I'm not doing something right when I get hungry 45 minutes after lunch, but REFUSED to give in, thinking I needed to train my body to work with the schedule. After a month of binging and sneaking food and forgetting that I'm eating a chocolate bar, I decided to thank him for his advice and information, but it would only guide me in choosing more appropriate foods WHEN I get hungry, however many times a day that is, whatever time of day that is.

If these past few days are any indication, I might have to let go of my old standard "I've always been this size, went up a few sizes for a while there, but my body apparently likes the number 12 and is doing it's darndest to ensure all tags that hit it say 12 on them." If this isn't just the backlash of the PMS from HELL of 2.5 weeks of no control, happy hour filled, alcoholic lethargy, perhaps maybe I can really just respect myself enough to leave leftovers, enjoy bread when I feel the urge, and be in the gym because I WANT to be, instead of with an unreachable goal in mind.

Just wait, I've got some other desires bubbling up in me, I might try to satisfy them with a sundae or an appetizer sampler, but today is day two of pointedly noticing that I just couldn't care less if it's lunch time. For a life time eater like me, I'm looking at the half a wrap I'm done with saying "ain't that some shit!!!"

Happy Green Eggs and Ham Day

2008-03-23T21:02:00.002-04:00

I'm hoping your day was as pleasant as mine. I have been doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, basically all day, and it's been great.
Sure, I went a little overboard at the gym yesterday and the knee I twisted 3 weeks ago and the tendon on the same leg I overstretched 2.5 weeks ago was acting up all day, but just because you can barely walk upstairs doesn't mean you have to have a crap day.
I didn't get any eggs, because my last 3 were added to the crate the roomies put into the egg holder and then used for the scramble they made 3 days ago (I know because the pan is there, next to the baking sheet they burned home made fries on Monday, which doesn't bug me as much as the peelings in the sink that have been there since Monday too - doesn't stink, I wash too many dishes over the pile of plates and cups on top of them), but I've learned how to make a family meal's worth of food while only clearing enough counter space for one plate, and had a delightful set of leftovers for every meal of the day, and I didn't repeat a meal ;)
I've been single handedly taking care of the dog since Friday, partially by my asking so he would quit texting me to take care of the fuzzbucket every 4 hours, but I still refuse to mop the hardwood floors of the paw prints.
I woke up at the same time as a work day, but only long enough to walk once around the house, take the dog for a piss, then decide I'm too tired for this BS and crawl back into bed, no matter how sunny it is out.
I thought I'd make it down to the shore today, maybe stroll along the boardwalk, but the day just didn't get there.

After all this, I stand firmly with my first statement. I had a loverly day. Yes, loverly, like in My Fair Lady, if you haven't seen it, Go. Now. It's. Fantastic. Yes. You. If you don't believe me, go ask your wife.
I was in bed and asleep when I felt like it last night, not when I was done driving around the neighborhood to avoid hearing the roomies fuck.
I woke up when I felt like it (after the morning dog run that is), not when the kid started playing basketball in the house or when someone burnt the toast or when they hollered that they would be leaving in 10 minutes and it's time to get some shoes on.
I ate when I wanted, not when they were done with their canoodle fest in front of the stove.
I made coffee when I wanted, not when they were done spraying the room with the espresso maker's foamer function and it was the flavor I wanted and it was the amount I wanted - not whatever I could get before they tossed it to make theirs.
I decided it was time to get outside, so I took the dog to the dog park. My Cesar Milan training kicked in, I made sure he knew I was his master, I made the rules, and then let him run free for almost two full hours before he walked right into the waiting entry/exit cage and waited patiently for me to grab his leash and take him home. Yes, I am that much of a dog person that someone else's dog that I didn't talk to the first 3 times he lived in my house is now my bitch. He follows me and listens to me and sleeps in my room. Bow if you must, applause suits me as well.
We came home, we had lunch, I texted back the roomie (3:30pm now, first contact) that the neighbor did not need to be sent over, that the dog and I were doing just fine thanks.
I watched TV at the volume I prefer, not whatever it has to be to be audible over the roar of whatever is going on downstairs, not to overpower the romp 2 rooms over, and it didn't have to be switched to a movie or CD so I could blast the surround sound system and listen to what I want to listen to.
Even when they came home, I took the dog out, I fed him, I made a cup of tea all while she was making him chicken soup because he got sick. We chatted, about the dog mostly, then I went upstairs and continued my laundry, the dog following right behind me the whole time.

Today felt triumphant. Like I have a life that I have some control over. That I don't have to be strictly reactionary. I have even reconsidered responding to the New Roomie website emails from possible new places to live. The commute would be shorter, the room would be bigger, the roomie would surely come with a new set of complaints. With a few good days under my belt, I'm looking out the window to the red buds of spring on every other tree and planning to see them bloom.
Don't get too excited, surely with the boss coming back tomorrow, month end around the corner, Spring Break for the roomie here and surely mornings where the gf's house works better for him and therefore I'm responsible for the morning dog duty as well as getting to work somewhat on time... well, let's just remember that I'm a damn nightmare of a self loathing apathetic snatch when Flo is due. All that candid description of my day could just have easily been one of the rants you've so come to expect, right? Turns out that all I need for a good day or 4 is some sunshine, some exercise, a cup of coffee in the morning and dinner when I'm hungry for it, and a good night's sleep. Honestly, from you, my trusted audience, do my requirements to wear a smile seem so high maintenance to you that I have to document the good days when I get them?

Good Friday?

2008-03-21T18:51:00.002-04:00

On the calendar, sure, it's marked Good Friday.
It was set to be, and, I'll admit, I've got a bounce in my step and a bit of pink in my cheeks from all the smiling, and only lost by mental capacities once today, so all in all, a pretty Good Friday. Let's not forget both bosses were out of the office, there was no training to tempt me with junk food at the wrong times of the day, the sun was out, and I wore comfys to the office.

So, I'm going about my day, enjoying deleting emails and trying to remember that easy time consuming thing I was going to do for ME instead of the rest of THEM, and I hear that Alpha Dog's bf is coming over to pick her up, but he'll be early so he'll hang for a bit. I also get to meet her niece who she talks about ALL the time, and to all the time, so I'm excited to get faces to go with these people.
I hear them come in, I wave and smile at the 9 year old (as I part time live with the male version, I know not to expect a conversation, keeping eye contact was most impressive), then wave at her escort. And he is polite and meeting 2 of us for the first time and knows we talk about him all the time so he is on his very best behavior.
And I notice it.
Then it's really hard not to notice.
Then he's in a conversation with just me, so he comes over and chats with me on my side of the room.
Then he's telling me about this band playing next Friday that is so much fun and I should definitely come and meet his friend, and go ahead and get on Google and check them out, wait, let me see the mouse for a second, and the conversation keeps going but now the 9 year old can't here so the smiles get bigger and the phrases get grown up and I'm really enjoying having a conversation with someone who can actually keep up and I realize it.
He is the 8 years older and with brown eyes instead of blue Jersey version of Ojai.
And I can't look away.
I'm having a serious case of not just de ja vu but Flashback Friday and the buzz from having a genuine smile and all these memories and all these mixed emotions of half healed scars being scratched and it feels good but you know better than to pick at it.
A whole lot of stuff going on with this little broken heart of mine, so much so that the guy left the office about 2 hours ago now and the afternoon mix on the radio in the car and driving with the windows part way down and tossing the ball with the dog and making a salad for dinner hasn't forced the thought of Ojai from my mind. Naturally, I logged in and started talking about it.
Don't worry, I mostly came home to find the gym clothes and go walk it off. Nothing like physical exhaustion to keep this from being a sleepless night!
It's a sickness. I've known this guy ruined me, I'm still forced to realize that he crosses my mind WAY WAY WAY too much for someone I haven't even glimpsed driving down the freeway for over 6 months, and then I meet his DUPLICATE COPY 2800 miles away??? Is it really possible that when they say a girl has one guy she will always take a phone call from, that she must think about him often enough to be prepared for his call if it ever does come?

On the other hand, I sparked with this character just like I did with Ojai. Quick conversation, easy transitions, big smiles the whole time, and, he picked up his phone right there in the office to invite his friend to this band next week. I even got the wink and nod that I was alright when he left.
I'm excited to go, I'm glad to maybe take part in some of the fun stuff Alpha Dog keeps reporting, and the worst that could happen is I get a night out at a bar with a band and a couple of people who keep asking me which guy I want to sit next to.
I told her I was having a flashback because I knew a guy who was JUST like him, she said "that's because we both have good taste!" Hopefully I'll just get to know a little more about this guy and he will stop being Ojai. It worked with Russell Crowe movies - couldn't watch them for a long time, the resemblance was too great, but eventually I got lost in the character instead of the memories and I can now enjoy the flicks, for the most part, depending on if I've been drinking and if I've had a good day or not.
Whatever, it's Good Friday and I was having a splendid Friday and I earned this guys approval in 10 minutes to be set up with his friend and I'm going to be just fine with that, regardless of WHY I was so friendly.
I've been watching a lot of Sex and the City lately, it's on about my bedtime, I keep on with the "here is a never going to be answered question to nag at you for the rest of your life, how do you like it?" question to everything - might have to find some other channel to set the sleep timer to tonight ;)

17 days??

2008-03-17T21:19:00.002-04:00

So. Fing. Much has happened, and I haven't posted in 17 days????
alright, nothing really life changing.
except, if you're so inclined, check out the time stamp on this Monday night post. If you've been paying attention, you'll know that being downstairs at the "I have a bed in the room and a new computer downstairs, this place sounds like it will fit all your needs" house at this hour is pretty much unheard of. If I do have the house to myself, it's far too cold to sit and post (this assumes you know I didn't make it to the gym tonight, and I'm not working off the residual heat which some of you have earned late night emails in the wake of).
My dad sent me a computer. And an MP4 player. For free. I've been hearing all kinds of questions about my life and hearing all kinds of heart thoughts from his end, but, I saved about a thousand bucks, and as that is my Emergency Fund, well, I'd lived without the computer in my room this long...
So, if all goes to plan, I'll be venting my BS here a lot more often very very soon.
17 days of neglect is no way to treat a blog.
Oh, and you guys too, I need to chat with you more, I'm becoming overly clingy to the booty call and unnecessarily chatty with the trainer. Certainly email friends are a healthier way to go, no? ;)

Is A Leap Year All I Need?

2008-02-29T22:01:00.002-05:00

Its still in shock mode how good this day has been, that is how well the cosmos aligned to hand me a reminder of what I am striving to find in life.
And most of it was just little stuff that could happen every day but doesn't, but it all did today, and that made the little bad things that could happen every day and do just fade into the shadows.
As much as I bitch and moan here, I really am easy to please!! It's when I fall in the middle of good and bad that makes me question everything... and now I have a checklist of things that might make me flip to the good more often. Wanna see it?? I KNEW you would!!!
I got to work before the bosses. I got my first project done before the last minute of the deadline. I made a good cup of coffee. I ate all my meals on time, and didn't fall for the "I'm going out, does anyone want anything?" trap of eating off my plan (timewise or food wise). The office was in an upbeat mood all day, especially with the Month End Hover of the boss, this is a Very Big Deal. I got the bathroom to myself so I didn't have to make idle chit chat with people I see but never ask the names of as I wiped my ass. My hair stayed out of my face and my outfit kept me perfectly temperate through the day. I had my gym clothes in my car and knew I would be walking off my energy at the end of the day. The sky was blue, all day. I got to chat with my friends about fun stuff, with lots of !!! and Oh.My.God.No.F'n.WAY's and =)=) involved.
Alright, there was some big stuff too that made all these little things just a platform for wanting to date stamp everything on my desk with LEAP YEAR. Like, dad confirmed that he is sending me a computer and an MP4 player to strike down my need to buy a laptop or iPod to replace my dead computer and dying iRockr phone. He ordered the music box and when that comes in he's tossing it in the box with a desktop (you remember, the flat ones that actually belong on a desk?) and sending it across the country for me. Turns out having a sister on the skids doesn't have to be all bad ;)
And then, I was set to meet a trainer at the gym tonight, another new guy, and while I'm in the parking lot checking my bag for a water bottle and wishing I didn't have to have the New Trainer How Are You What Are Your Fitness Goals conversation again (5th time in 2 months, and I'll still eat a whole tray of brownies if you leave me in a room with them), my phone rings. I answer with "I was just thinking of you, right this second, wishing my phone could text so I wouldn't bug you while you're working, and you called me. Hi, what's up?!?" Long story short, he's coming back to my gym, working part time, and he gets to book his own clients, and since no one called me to tell me my 7:30pm went AWOL and bailed (funny enough, as I'm typing this duche calls, 10:20pm, apologizing at the end but starting a conversation with "who is this? did you have an appointment with a trainer next week?" I said "you called me, so you know who this is, our appointment was set for 3 hours ago, and MY trainer is coming back, got to work out the details of our schedules when you and I were set to work out, but thanks for the call, maybe if MY MAN and I can't work out something I'll let your manager know I'm available to be scheduled. Good night."), well, I guess I finished my sentance in my parenthetical tangent.

So, there we have it. A recipe for a Happy Sassy. OH - and I have options for plans this weekend!!! MOT, did you read that??? Apparently, St. Patrick's Day is such a big deal on the east coast they make a MONTH out of it. (I don't know why I'm cap happy tonight, but my eyes are bugging out with emphasis when I say it just like yours are when you read it, so bear with the excitement and be ready for the jump-up-and-down-squealing-giggle-dance in a minute.) We've had the March deadline calendars prepped for a week now, but I don't have a place to put it since I'm still using February, so that little green shamrock holding stuck mid jig dude has been starting at me from the front of my desktop folder holder and it's been making me want to drink, I won't lie. Bender style, none of this wine with dinner bullshit. Add to that the lack of carbs anytime after, say, 3pm, and I'm ready to beerbong come 10pm, just for the sugar. Yes, the trainer heard about it, we are reconveining at 4pm tomorrow to work out how to keep me from nightly debauchery imposed by healthy eating patterns.
So, right, St. Patty's. Ok, so Hoboken is the first to go, I guess the cities take turns so everyone can go to every party and everyone makes money on the green beer. So, Hoboken is a lot like my college town; bar, bar, bar and grill, restaurant that turns into a nightclub, bar, parking garage, bar, bar, all night pizza, bar... you get the idea, and on the backside of this street is where everyone lives, except instead of plantation houses converted into frat houses there are Brownstones. mmmmmmm, delish is all I can think of when I let my merriment carry me there. So, you can tell I've been there and I know exactly how to get to the train station and I've traveled up at least 10 blocks and can even tell you which sushi restaurant is byob. That they are hosting the first in a series of drinking holidays, and it's in Hoboken!?!?!?!? Shut. Up. THAT'S WHAT I SAID!!! This knowledge helped me save my $10 on take out lunch and save up for drinking.
Yes, I'm set to see the trainer at 4pm and talk about not drinking. Life is for living, if you can't indulge on the holidays, what's the point? (yes, it's confusing in my head too, it's not just you or how I talk about it, I'm actually completely 2 different people in here, wanting 2 opposite things, sharing air time. It's me that's nuts, I know it, glad you're keeping up).
To boot, my coworker invited me to a parade in one of the shore towns, adding on "and then it's just a lot of bars and my body builder boyfriend's single friends, would love to have you take some of them off my hands!!" How can you pass on an invite like that???

And there we have the ingredients to the Sassy Smiles cocktail. Little things going right with no shattering of dreams or composing herself after disappiontment, topped of with self confidence and with a twist of socializing. So it's the day we catch up the 1/4 of a day we couldn't spread over the last four years...
Cheers
to dismissing the fears
that this good day
is another 4 years away!

Too Poetic Not To Share

2008-02-25T21:32:00.001-05:00

Another email to a friend that I just have to post:

I was a very good girl tonight.
I went to the new gym to meet the new guy for the second time, was not deterred by the slightly still sore enough to notice knee or that I didn't have any socks in my gym bag or that I sliced the ever liven out of the side of my thumb searching for spare socks under my car seat. I marched myself right into the gym, cleaned up the blood splatters on the cuff of my shirt, wrapped it in a paper towel, and went down to meet my guy. The front desk chick looked confused. "Did you have an appointment? Did he call you??"
Life happens I suppose, but knowing that the precident was to call everyone in his appointment book and tell them he has a funeral to go to, and knowing I gave him my number and he put it next to my name in the book, well, I'm hoping he flipped to the wrong page and I'm set for next week because it's starting to get offensive.
As I'd had it set to walk off some energy tonight, I went home for a bandaid and some suitable socks, changed my coat for my gym sweatshirt, and headed to my other gym. I expected a wait for a machine, but I also wanted to catch the eye of the trainers to see what miscommunication I can rectify so that I get someone to work out with again. Happily, I caught the eye of a girl just getting off a machine and hopped on without a glance to any strays lingering in hopes of such a marvelous feat of using what they pay for =)
30 minutes later I could feel the peering of watchful eyes and removed myself and my sore knee from harms way and found a quiet corner to stretch in.
Noticing the clock, I maneuvered my way to the rows of desks, finally ending up at the front desk asking for My Head Gymrat. A very chipper conversation with the dude and his flippy hair tells me that privacy of phone numbers means nothing, leaving on time is a rarity, and that I was SOL for getting someone to pull up a schedule and fit me in, though the gym was filled to 85% capacity when I asked, not one of those people could be of service to me.
Alright, I can take a hint, and I decided that since I'd be icing my knee for good measure when I came home anyway, I wouldn't wait in line for a treadmill with the guy who just irrately berated my Mr. Flippy Do for not having staff monitoring the 20minute rule of Too Many Customers Need Cardio Machines Time Limit.
So, I get in the car, turned up the be-bop-ish tune on the radio, and end up in a much more sour mood by the end of the 15 minute commute. "Never fear, food is near!" I tell myself, and don't even take off my shoes as I poured myself some salad and sliced half a chicken breast to top it.

It had hit me as I passed a little haunt up the street. I'd thought about it as I passed by the 3 pizza joints on the way home. I didn't flinch at the left hand turn lane like I sometimes do, but I nearly turned around 3 blocks later for it. I'm convinced my closest spot is the worst to go to, but now, the desire is quite heavy and I may make due. It's the craving for a beer. Not the alcohol buzz, not something cool to drink, not the foul breath afterward... I've tried convincing myself it's because I got too hungry with all the running around and then a more-strenuous-than-expected cardio run, but even as I sit with my protein and my huge pile of salad I want more to eat. Maybe it's the bubbles I want, to quiet the sour-all-day stomach that I'm afraid I might have to blame on the water. Perhaps it's just the habit of having a stressful day and consoling it with a familiar taste. Or, maybe I'm just that hungry and dehydrated so liquid with calories is just the ticket I'm looking for to board the train to silenced harrassments and easy dreams.
Whatever it is, this is the plight of the just a little too fat. It's these choices, I fear, the ones that are so little but daily, the difference between one beer with dinner or not, that are going to make or break my ability to take on this challenge and win it. As any clever temptress, however, these cravings hit me when I'm weak of mind and spirit, gripping me hard and relentlessly holding tight to at least part of my consciousness as I try to move through the motions of finding anything to do besides stuffing my face. Are these signs of a Foodie, and Alcoholic, or someone who's just hungry and worn out?

Snow Day

2008-02-23T10:37:00.002-05:00

We had about 7" of snow yesterday.
I was very late to work, but mostly because I didn't wake up until the time I usually leave the house, to a phone call from a coworker saying the boss told us to take our time, so I showered and everything before the oh so beautiful trek at 30mph.
I saw some things I've never seen, cars broken in ways that still confuse me, enjoyed learning what I can and can not do to a snow pile between lanes in my Altima, and overall was really laid back about the whole thing.
My coworkers on the other hand, 2 of the four that made it into our office, were carrying on like we would be snowed in and stuck at the office for the weekend with no food or water or electricity if we didn't get out of there ASAP. As the rain started and the slush melted and the weather reports said the refreeze would happen later and later in the day, I wondered what exactly the normal Friday work day was keeping this one from. Sure, she lives a bit north, but honestly, if you made it in by following a snow plow, sit down and shut up and deal, no?
I guess in an environment that thrives only when complaining, I shall only be remiss that through all this whimpering that this one fax they were waiting on to come through wasn't they did all of Friday's duties and caught up on what they didn't get to on Thursday AND set them selves up for Monday and still managed to leave the office at 2pm.
If only we worked that hard every day...

So I left just after the 3pm closing time with my new best friend/coworker/lunch buddy/social life. We spend nearly every lunch break together, then end up at a Happy Hour once or 3 times a week, and she is the only reason I've tried any of the local restaurants or ventured into NYC since moving here. So after we went to a movie, hung out in the mall, had a cocktail and some dinner and a soul searching conversation, we went to one more store to search for work slacks and officially get kicked out for closing time. As we manhandled the merchandise I said "so, I am making Jersey think we are dating." Her response? "Fabulous; if the people at work seem to be looking at us funny it's because I'm telling them we are dating too."
Um, ok. Me telling a guy who isn't making time for me anymore that he has been replaced as my Official Welcome To Jersey concierge by my cute little giggly coworker just because I'm a tease is one thing; her asking all of us for the cutie young man on the sales floor and getting compliments emailed to her from a guy on the other side of the sales floor and passing around the notion that we always get coffee together because we are together??? Is that the same?
I've been in situations before where I went along with one idea in my head only to get blindsided with contradictory information from the other party that ended in us ending, but as we also talked last night about how she only keeps a job for 6 months and I have a knack for killing a relationship at or before the6 month mark, does it really matter if I can't tell if this is what girls do when they are new friends or if we are dating without rounding any bases?
Whatever puts a smile on my face these days, huh??

The last thing weighing on my mind as the dog my roomie is babysitting paces around the arm chair trying to retrieve his tennis ball and I weigh the desire to shower against his need to just run in the snow covered courtyard until he passes out is my priority list. It will get some official name soon, as it is becoming a character in my existence these days. The trick is, I decided I wanted a laptop instead of fixing my old old old hand me down desktop. So I saved up for it, and decided to wait one more paycheck to buy it just because I knew I'd go apeshit with the grocery shopping and hate getting within $100 of the red in my account. The same day, my phone starts dying - it freezes when I send a text to the point of having to take the battery out to reset it. As I take it to my phone dudes to see what I can do or what options I have in replacing it, I find out that I am no longer under contract and am free to leave the company or get all the "new customer" bonuses and I can get a local number without penalty. Without getting into any of the drama about how having my sister on the family plan under my name is throwing a wrench in things, I will say that I was in that store for maybe 90 minutes, 60 of which were at the iPhone station. And as I thought about what my current phone can do, and what I'll be expecting of my laptop, and how excited I was the last time I got the cutting edge pocket sized technology, well, it's making it hard to drop money on any of the big things this week. So I told my sister about how upset I was that I'd finally made a decision to spend a wad of cash on a computer and now need a phone and kinda want one as cool as the one I've had, and she relayed this to my dad who owns a computer shop who emailed me with "um, you can ask Dad to be a Dad sometimes" so I gave him the specs of the system I was looking at and I think he might get me the laptop or at least pay for half. And, in hopes of finding some specs on a phone that wouldn't cost me as much as my rent, I went online to my company's site and found about 10 phones they will give me for free!!! nothing quite as cool as what I have now or the iPhone obviously, but anything that gets me textable again (without having to dump all my savings into this unexpected expense), well, the iPhone will still be there and I won't blow my wad thinking Dad will come through and hate myself for waiting on him if he doesn't. All the while, the weekends I spent apartment hunting and condo browsing and furniture shopping linger in my Priority List, and the temptation of going on a vacation ever again sits like a cloud over my bank account as well...

So, that's what's on my mind this week - whiny grown women I work with, the possibility that I've entered into a lesbian relationship without deciding to, and how to spend money wisely enough to make me happy now and in the future. All in all, pretty typical I guess, except I'm not sleeping well and when I decide to be a good girl with what I eat I become the dim witted uncoordinated shell of a person the waif models epitomize, but without the charm of having the photogenic body of an underwear model. If I were seeing gains in that direction, surely loosing all of my vocabulary mid sentence and not being able to remember what I’m working on or how I was accomplishing it would be a trite inconvenience, but as it stands, I don’t know if my mood swings have lessoned because I’m eating right or if I just don’t have the energy!

Heart Thoughts

2008-02-14T17:22:00.002-05:00

As I sit at my desk, I have a pile of cash sitting next to me.
I was in charge of collecting our donations for the Wear Red For Women Day sponsored by the American Heart Association. This is especially noteable because yesterday one of our newest hires was taken away by ambulance with chest pains, and before it was lunch break he was in surgery having stints implanted in his arteries.
As the day progressed, I looked around at my coworkers who were stuck on the fact that it was his 51st birthday and this is how he was spending it.
I eventually blurted out "think of it this way - we are all sitting here having a normal work day and he had his chest ripped open instead of enjoying his new job. On any given day, wouldn't that be just an awful way to look back at you're morning? Maybe we ought to take this as a lesson to stop asking if we can have gravy with that Fat Bitch Breakfast Sandwich we crave 3 days a week."
They didn't think it as poignent as I did. I had to remind them that maybe we should send flowers. They still couldn't believe it was his birthday and he'd had a heart attack. I couldn't believe we didn't have the Official From Us Company Birthday Card signed on his desk when he came in.
So I sit next to my piles of cash donated to the cause of the AHA awareness day and think "even when we know someone, SEE someone, having a heart attack, it doesn't sink in."

As the selfish person I am, instantly I think of how I treat my own heart, and realize I still feel adolecently invinceable. While I am fairly food conscious (even as I sample the cajun popcorn chicken or accept the last brownie on the plate), I will fall in love with a wilted house plant if it strikes me as having potential. The fickle temptation of this or that fanciful opportunity grab tightly of my heartstrings and have rarely left me with anything but gapping wounds to tenderly soucher and hope for minimal scarring. Soon enough I find something else has found the heartstrings I didn't know I had left, and I am ever so bound to this new source of deliciously painful taunting of my most treasured and valuable asset.
My heart, I've tried to protect it. I've tried hiding it away like Repunzel in her castle, only to find that the one window is enough to let those heart strings dangle like each strand of her hair. And, like Princess Fiona, this isolated dreamer sits knowing how the fairy tales end and is not so patiently waiting for her Prince Charming to arrive. So, I've dated my fair share of Shreks, thinking that this one may be the one to stop the waiting, maybe even heal the pain, free me from the spells and let me live my happy ending I know is coming. Instead, when I find myself alone in my room once again, I wonder if it will be worth even noticing the next tug of my eagerly wanting heartstrings, or if I should neglect these passers by who make me notice them but aren't willing to come rescue me.
To my cynical delight, I find that we are here at the day of truth when it comes to taking care of this part of your heart. A day to celebrate love, though typically romantic, I am choosing (as so many secretly unabashedly romantic cynics are) to celebrate the love I hold for myself. I am not seeing anyone right now, and that is the most loving thing I can be doing for myself. Case in point: Last night, I got a call. As I'd been expecting an email conversation to finish via phone during the evening, I lept to answer it. To my humbling surprise, it was an old gym buddy - 75 years old actually, who took my hip hop dance class as religiously as I did waaaayyyyy back when I was at the original Cubeville. He is coming east to visit some friends in Florida and thought he'd give me a ring and see how I'm doing.
The part about all this is that I totally forgot about the other call I expected because I was too thrilled that I'd gotten this one. Worse, the last few times I talked to the person I expected, I wasn't left with the glow this old guy and his raspy voice inspired of me in the 6 minutes he could spare to chat.
So, sure, I hide away, I tuck my Repunzel braid into the corner and don't dare look out the window at the passers by. But, when I'm not looking, I get a knock at the door.
Not that any of the He's that are checking on me will be my Happily Ever After, but, when a girl goes to bed with a smile on her face, it makes her think that tomorrow she just might let her hair down.

Sunny Days, Blue Skies, and Seeing Red

2008-01-21T22:46:00.000-05:00

On top of all the deep-breath-keep-breathing-ok-take-a-walk moments I can kinda manage through the day, I am trying to embrace the 15-20 minutes from the highway to my house by trying to find good radio and re-listening to all my CDs and singing really loud and all in all being happy I'm coming from the gym... but it's the last bit, the coming home to find there are no parking spots (and my roomies car has been in the same spot for 2 weeks now and I can't figure out which other car he's driving) so I'm at the end of the block (where I apparently backed into a numbered spot instead of a visitor spot the first time this happened sometime early last week and have had notes left on my car no matter what spot I choose beacuse I'm consistently parking in the wrong area) carrying all my lunch tupperwares and gym bag and purse and to-go chicken on spinach salad where something falls out of my hands (because it's 22 degrees and I thought I could make it 20 yards without gloves on) that causes just enough of a gggrrrrr to set in to really make the piles of garbage on the front stoop (from last night's football game watching party to which I had no notice would be happening and was a bit appauled to be awakened from my late afternoon snoozefest (thanks to the latex boyfriend, that little tip/reminder is getting better all the time) by the rumbling of 10 people screaming at a play and the volume subsequently being turned up to shake-Chrissy's-bed volume, naturally soliciting my very best mood as I waited for the certainty they'd all be glued to the tv before rushing down to the freezer to toss something edible in the microwave while no one was in the hideously unsanitary kitchen)... I've been here long enough to remember the screen door knob only works if you twist it one way and the door only works if you twist it the other but I just can NOT remember to start the approach with this thought in mind so my lefty hand always gets the ache of cold nerves as I grip and twist and twist harder and then the other way and then on-no-which-way-is-this-door until I finally just yank and the bastard (it only really latches if the entire mechanism has been manhandled to do so, typically you can't get the fucker to close) and toss myself across the threshold so as to let out as little of the precious heated air as possible. This particular evening I'm greeted by an actual sighting of the roomie and his prepubecent mannerless mute child, but couldn't be bothered to intrude on their bondfest because I misjudged the amount of water I'd consumed on that eliptical machine and very urgently needed my bathroom. With that being said, you'd think I'd be thrilled to find that I didn't need to worry about dropping another bag or getting an arthritic cramp trying to open another door, but somehow the culmination of all things unwelcoming about my coming home these last few nights is sending me into a fit of rage upon finding my bedroom and bathroom doors wide open. I am, as it turns out, quite private and overly possessive of my things, not the least of which is the precious warm air that I try to trap in my usual spaces to keep the frigid witch in me from taking over completely, and considering some days the thermostat is set to 72 (when someone will be over, like 10 screaming friends, or his oh-so-always-drunk-and-therefore-always-laughing-and-fuckable girlfriend, or the bratty kid who thinks dingdongditch is a game best played at one's own address and therefore the only reason the door should be closed at all is to facilitate the fun of this particular prank) or 63 (I thought it was when the bill came in he turned it down, but apparently it's just the standard temp at which he keeps a house he isn't using; can't blame him really, except that my cup of water on the nightstand is either chilled or sweating, and it's making the bed dressings and my pj choice vary from flannel on flannel with a heavy feather down to naked with a sheet in reach if need be). Besides this minutia, there is a cat living in the house. I am fine with cats, except that some cats are more possessive than I and have a tendancy to spray, especially anything that smells like other cats, like maybe my laundry bag that is in the bathroom, or anything I own that is in my bedroom. Not that any of it means anything to me, I mean I only packed it in stages depending on what I'd need shipped to me in priority order, then loaded every bit of it on a freight truck leaving behind anything I couldn't carry myself (including the bookcase I've had in every memory of my mom's room since forever), then upacked everything I could fit in the 10x11 room and stacked it on top of itself so I could be immersed in all things mine to create a whole in the universe that would nurture my me-ness... no reason to keep the cat out of that room, or respect that the door is closed unless I'm going through it, or even leave a note as to the reason someone might feel the need to be coming up the stairs to a total view of my stacks of PJs and pillows and discarded bedding...)
Right. So, I've been doing my very best to make the dream of a different future combat all the anger filled moments that come with my current home, to the point of taking a drive to a well spoken of town just 10 miles south of here. The downtown is ohsoverychick, they even have a Tiffany's just up the block from the tribute to Jay and Silent Bob store, all close enough to the river to smell it. I'll be making a return trip in the daylight, but I think I just found the kind of town I'd like to meet my next boyfriend in ;)
On that note, I'm going to see if my tender bits are suffering permanent damage from the weekend of hiding from the frigid weather by entertaining myself in bed, or if I can cause permanent damage by diffusing this instance of twitchy rage with another trip to the toy box.

My New Home

2007-12-31T13:27:00.000-05:00

I spent a good part of the weekend hacking up snot rockets (or trying to in order to keep them from settling in my lungs), locked in my house in slipper socks and sweat pants and one of surprisingly many gifted XL tshirts with an advertisement for a vacation spot logo'd on the front, and basically nesting. I organized 4 kitchen cupboards, cleaned out and reorganized (minus the easter candy, valentines chocolates still sealed in their heart shaped tomb, and any container no longer able to hold it's belongings, thereby taking out 2 huge bags of trash this morning) 2 very sizeable shared area closets (square foot wise, bigger than my cubicle), and thanks to my super don'tgiveafuck'dness when knocking over a 409 bottle on the kitchen counter am now quite obsessed with getting the entirety of the kitchen counter to go back to it's original color which is now only apparent where the magic potion has desolved tracks in the muck.
Right.
So, I've spent the weekend sick and nesting.
I intended to have the place feel more like I live there, but instead of finding places to hide my stuff, I've found places I could hide my stuff if only I could put all the kid's toys in the kids room or know why there is an entire closet dedicated to the storage of the box for everything in his Ikea house.
I found myself checking my vitals and having my meals in front of the computer, scouring for new places to live. It turned out to be humbling to see what other offerings were out there, then turn to my place and attack it with the nurturing it so desperately needed. Nonetheless, the recycled Top 40 tv/radio station and a closet of someone else's stuff will let your mind wander, and I recall a particular screenshot of a map with a circular Main Street that could have you vear off to the left onto another Main Street, cross over a 3rd Main Street, or, if you so desire, stay on it to cross 2 main Routes (another term for highway out here, but since they are basically divided streets they don't get the Highness title) that merge together in the circle and, if you continue straight (which now has you facing west when a mile ago you were facing east) will have you turned due north and on the Route you just crossed over. I think I've been through that area; if I remember right they are nice enough to give you a stop light to mark the end of Main Street and let you know you are now on a Route that extends a good portion of the state.
I've heard a lot of complaints about California drivers, and LA to boot, but I've never had a hard time reading a map of California - I find myself sure that this highway, when it tells me I"m going North, is not sending me a bit east to get turned completely around to go directly west only to check the map and find that my North highway does indeed have an S curve in it.
Ah, the lovely honeymoon period. The time of learning the quirks of your newbie and hoping you love them instead of strangle yourself over them... I can just see "I'm right off Main Street, no, not that side, the other side, over the other Main Street, no, not on the extension, by the highway, I mean by Route 35, no, after the split from Route 9, but before the railroad tracks..." Not quite lust at first sight, but Jersey's growing on me, that I won't deny ;)

Duplicitous Dupe

2007-12-29T11:24:00.000-05:00

It's my favorite week of the year, this time between Christmas and New Year's.
No one wants to be working, we are all fat and happy off our sugar buzz and family contact, and with the progression from fall to winter is nearly complete, the air just chilly enough to keep us indoors with hibernating/hermit lifestyle.

Now, it's been a few years since I've had any fun doing the Christmas thing. I used to bake for the neighborhood and pick cards and make presents from the isles of Michael's crafts and spend pretty much the entire time from my birthday til Christmas morning thinking about and working on this or that aspect of making the day great for everyone. I don't want to say that Mom dying was the straw that broke that camel's back, but I was living at home until then and still had some of that kid excitement for gifts and surprises that has fizzled to nearly nothing, especially when coming from family.

Additionally, I am almost staunchly against setting New Year's resolutions. I remember thinking at 10 years old that I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up because I didn't know what I'd like in 10 years and found it ridiculous to pick something to strive for at 10 years old. It's a set up for disappointment in my eyes - if you get it, you are confined by the goals of a 10 year old, if you don't you feel like you can't accomplish what you set out to do. I much prefer to look around and know I'm going in a positive direction with my life, and leave the deadlines for accomplishments to the calendar of fate. When it comes right down to it, I get what I set out to do, but there is no way I could have expected last January 1st that "I want to be making more money" would have me pulling 10K/yr more for doing an easier job than the one I started on January 1st - let alone that I'd be living across the country to get it!
Compoundly, when I was out to party all the time, I resented that my bars were trying to charge me $50 to get in and play with all the assholes who only come out 3 times a year to fuck with my routine. Though I tried to make it a fun party night, the Vegas trip was the last attempt at a memorable holiday event; it was memorable, unfortunately.

My point with all this is that this week isn't my favorite because it's smack between two of my favorite holidays. I don't like remembering the traditions of holidays past, I don't like the planning and expectations of coming holidays, and I resent that I'm supposed to invest a sizeable monetary sum to gift or party on a particular day. Of late, I can add to this list that I abhor the concept that I should be sad I've got a short list of family members to acknowledge this season - I'll be sad about dead family whenever I feel like it, thankyouveryfuckingmuch.

I love this time of year because the rest of the world seems to come more in line with how I operate on a regular basis. "Be nice! It's Christmas!!!" has more people smiling in the grocery store, letting people merge on the highway, more ready for a Good Morning greeting on the way to the mailbox. There is more gratitude in the air, more thoughts of how they can be gracious receivers and thankless givers to loved ones and strangers alike. Even with year end stress at the office, people take their vacation time and remember to take care of themselves regardless of what the inbox holds. We try to remind each other that health and family come first, but something about December makes people act on it. It is like an community exhale. What is really important floats to the surface faster than the marshmallows in our hot chocolate, and for a brief part of the year I don't get snide guffaws when I put on a cheery smile in the morning or say thank you or forgive someone's bad mood. The winter air sets everyone in a more sedentary mood, letting us take time to be with our thoughts as we hide from the weather in our homes, and suddenly I'm not the only one starting sentences with "I was just sitting on the couch last night and this great idea hit me..."

Amidst all this inner joy spawned from blending in better during the holiday season, I find myself coming to realizations that are most certainly from the more reflective state of mind that seeps in with the change of the calendar. As I was checking my emails and having a cup of coffee in this empty house, suddenly I'm overcome with how much of my life now is a repeat of what I've already done.
- roomie is 1) named Mike, this is the 3rd; 2) the live in home owner, I've had 2; 3) male that I'm not sleeping with, I've had 1; 4) a teacher with enough extra curricular activities to make it impossible to know if/when there is a safe time to shimmy from the bathroom to the bedroom naked, my second.
- job is 1) an admin job of only women coworkers; 2) has me as a backup for the rest of the team; 3) has me killing time all day until someone says "are you busy right now?"; 4) bombards me with Dilbert/Cathy/Office Space cliché’s so that I can't even laugh at these comedies without crying at how people can snapshot my life and laugh just as hard. Too many to count the redundancy here. Moving on.
- gym is 1) more of a reason to flirt than work out; 2) my trainer talks/walks/acts/laughs/gets nervous just like Sexy because they are basically the same age; 3) close enough to be my something to do when I hate my house; 4) where I get chatted up by the staff, and get a buzz from the social aspect; 5) what I look forward to and plan my schedule around.
- guy is 1) totally inappropriate, completely not worth my effort, a waste of energy; 2) someone I want a friendship from, but know it's just a cop out excuse to allow me to not hate the situation I've put myself in; 3) just a fuck, and without the fun is more about the intimacy afterward than the fun of the sex; 4) another guy I used as an excuse to move away from everything I know, and will always love just for that, but won't tell how much he means to me for instilling the confidence and will power to change my life; 5) will always resent for helping me change my life but not taking any responsibility for it and letting me flounder on my own once they have me in their neighborhood.
- family is 1)far enough away to not come knock on my door; 2) assuming I don't care because I "left them"; 3) fucking up, lying, omitting facts, overly superficial, and absolutely no support system to me, again by reason that I've detached from them by relocating; 4) a sore spot because I can't have a boundary and a family simultaneously.

So, what to make of all this as the Adult Top 40 radio station continues my slippery trek down memory lane?? Either that I’ve still got lessons to learn in these areas and I’ll repeat these scenarios as long as it takes before moving on, or that I refuse to let go of these aspects of my past, or maybe this is just who I am. Is it that bad to move away from family that leaves you feeling slimy and depressed? Is there something innately bad-roomie-live-in-homeowner-named-Mike that I am comfortable complaining about? I’ve had admin jobs forever and I’m good at the project basis of being the pick-up-the-slack girl, and I’m making almost decent money, so who cares if I’m doing it again?
The only problem I have with any of it is the sense that I’m bigger than all this. There is potential I’m not using, there is a pattern I’m setting to accept things as they are instead of creating the life I’m capable of. I’ve taken steps others are afraid of, I’ve got the mindset that anything is possible, and the tenacity to make it happen when I finally decide it’s what to do. In that light, how many roomies named Mike, fuck buddies, flirty gym rats and boring jobs do I have to endure before asking my 10 year old self what I really want to be when I grow up and go after that? In the mean time, I’ve got $163 in my checking account, a personal trainer who has my inner thighs feeling as sore as I’d have liked my fuck to have left them, a head cold I’ve kept from turning into a chest cold or an ear infection, a healthy desire to be a homeowner, a recurring thought that going back to school would be good for me, and a house to myself for another 4 days that I vowed would feel much more like I live here by the time I have to share it again. I’m not rearranging furniture or commandeering half the living room (though I thought about it), just making the kitchen cupboards useable spaces and finding space in the storage closets for my 6 boxes to hide. Then I’ll go back to checking foreclosure lists and course listings and social options for this upcoming party night, as I’m just sure I’ll be feeling better by then and staying home to watch Ryan Seacrest drop the ball on the Times Square I can almost smell from here is just another repeat I refuse to add to the list.

I realize I don’t post like I used to, I’m still afraid the office can read my stuff and I don’t like having to remember to delete the cookies from the roomies computer. Also, I write in a paperback journal I keep at my bedside more than I used to. If I don’t see you, enjoy the rest of this holiday season, and cheers to keeping the friendly, compassionate, grateful mood long past next week :0)

Snow Day

2007-12-13T16:41:00.001-05:00

I'm getting out of work an hour early tonight, due to snow =)
The boss gave us notice. It's now 20 minutes before we get off an HOUR early, and half of them are going downstairs to start their cars and brush the snow off. So, it's like getting off an hour and a half early in my book.

Have I mentioned these people make me laugh all the time, this job is great for me, and even the hour each way I give for drive, I'm still happy here!!

Terrific Tuesday

2007-12-12T10:30:00.000-05:00

I had a great day yesterday.
Just great from top to bottom.
I'm not sure if I've grown a thicker skin, or if it isn't as cold anymore, or if the shock of the newness is wearing off, or if this life really does suit me that much better, but it was really refreshing to not be meloncholy :o)

I'm not sure if I've posted much on which habits I'm trying to leave behind, but lets say I'm proud that I was offered a glass of wine last night and refused it. I could have gone to lunch and had fried chicken or a meatball sub, but I had a pile of veggies instead. The morning commute is my time for Grapenuts with pomagranate seeds. I'm visiting a lot of gyms before just signing with one. And, despite the new habit I'd been forming, I went to bed at a reasonable time last night.
When I'm bad, it's just awful.
But, when I'm good, ooohhhhh boy am I good!

Word of the Day: Schmeckel. I don't want to go too into it, but let's just say, with the population density of the Jewish faith around here and the way an office of 6 women will talk, we come up with all kinds of ways to have conversations without anyone thinking to call HARRASSMENT down the hall. It's almost like a PG radio show, where we keep coming up with new ways to ask if that smile on her face is because of the man last night or gas from the McGriddle this morning. Add to it the New York women and their mouths, and you have a regular comedy sketch any time you walk through here.
Happy Hump Day!

Happy Hanukkah!

2007-12-05T12:32:00.000-05:00

No, I'm not Jewish (yet), but as it happens I moved to the town with the most densly Jewish population in the state (or top 3, or something way up there)... so I'm surrounded with the candles in the windows and the big black hats and the droves of people walking on Saturdays, and now the menorah all have a candle lit =)

And, it's been almost a week since a post and almost NOTHING has happened!!
The work is the same, the house is the same, I'm almost the same... I did buy some boots, and it has been literally freezing every day by sundown, and the one person I know here is driving me away by telling me details about his life, but otherwise there is a rythem to what I'm doing and I just go with it.

I have found the optimal time to leave the house to avoid traffic, the trouble with it is that I get to the office 15-20 minutes before clock in time. I am not used to being on time. I am NEVER early. Even if I try to get logged in and ready to work by 9am, there ain't nuthin about making a cup of coffee that requires 15 minutes. So, I am struggling with being a competant employee who shows up to work on time.
This is certainly a side effect of growing up I didn't see coming. It's easy, I'm adjusting, but quite unfamiliar to not be rushing in the morning.

Word of the Day: Techie. I've had one, he will always be dear to me, but at this level in the company we are asked to direct our questions to the one guy - and I've never met him before. I was a little pouty about having a new guy only because I liked calling and getting my old familiars, but as it turns out this guy not only knows his shit about my systems and programs but is guiding ne through the tangled web of detailed specs on Dell.com as well as spending quite a bit of energy telling me about his life and asking about mine. I'll remind you, this is my tech support guy and he was on vacation the week I started so he has literally had 8 days to forge any relationship with me... it is quite nice to have a personal connection with someone via email, and with the chats being in Outlook instead of Yahoo I feel better about yammering away with the window wide open as the bosses meander the office =)=)
Have you hugged your Techie today?

Breathe

2007-11-29T11:30:00.000-05:00

I was asked to just take a breath the other day.
From the other end of the phone, on the other side of the country, it was apparent that is all I needed to do. I earned a "there you go!"
My response was "yes, that worked, until I have to breath IN again!"

So, here we have my long term dilema. I can let go, calm down, smile nicely, be a good girl, breathe out... and then there is the opposite.
It is directly after the mellow, it lets me take in everything, knowing that I'll let go of whatever doesn't suit me. The pit fall is that it fills me with details I don't need and options I won't take and dreams that aren't mine and piss and vinigar to boot.
In yoga I learned to count my breath, in for 3, out for 6. I can try, but I get wrapped up in the maybe's and the 'I could do that" and the high of taking it in. Only when I'm writhing in pain do I realize I've forgotten the next step.

It's nearly like it's nourishing to feel like ass and hibernate and hide from the world and anguish over this or that possible opportunity that you will only ever actually have if you can get out of bed. I don't understand people who always have plans. I need alone time, down time, to stop and look around before jumping into the next thing.

But, when the down time turns to self loathing, paralizing fear, anger and hate, I have to know that there is nothing nourishing about that.

And that is where friends come in. To get your attention back to the important and keep you in rhythm.
It seems obvious that I could remember to ebb and flow on my own, but as it turns out, I'm not there yet.
I needed a reminder to breathe.

The best part is the simplicity of it. I used to be all about keeping it simple, going with the flow - it got me nowhere I wanted to be. So I created a need for control over my life - that got me headaches, poor sleep, eating and drinking to excess, and a snarl for life.
Today, sitting at my desk, almost keeping busy enough to warrent the mess on my desk, I noticed an exhale. I heard my friend's voice in my head saying "there you go!!"

Word of the Day: Thanksgiving. I know it was last week, but I am embarrassed that it is my favorite holiday and I had forgotten why. I adore the reminder to give thanks. I like having a day where the purpose is to fill yourself with what you enjoy with the intention of appreciating it.
I can't keep a gratitude journal, I haven't gotten in the habit of thank you cards, and I usually can't flat out say "I appreciate you" unless it's to my car and we are alone... and this year I had a very hard time seeing the silver lining, let alone being thankful for it, even on the day dedicated to it.
But a week later I can, with the help of a friend, look up and see more than dark clouds. I hope you didn't need a reminder like Tday, or a smack on the head to breathe, but if you did, I sincerely hope you have, because this side of that hurdle is surely where the greener pastures lie.

One Week

2007-11-25T09:35:00.001-05:00

Ok, I actually got here Tuesday night, but I went almost straight to bed (after finding out the roomies bed squeaks- audible from the living room - and so does his girlfriend- making a trip to the bathroom almost entertaining), but immediately dove into unpacking, so I didn't really do anything or see anything outside the house til the weekend.
So now I feel like I've been here for a full week, and am just bursting with stuff to say, but don't know anyone well enough to blurt it to, so here I am!

1) Here they are sneakers. I've called them tennies my whole life. They take this labeling very seriously, as I was heartily corrected mid sentence for using the wrong, though admittedly accurate, vocabulary. Men also get the distinction of topsiders, which are deck shoes, which they were as their casual shoe, even if they are no where near a boat. I've called them, uh, boat shoes, but they seem to carry a special kind of sentimentality here, so I won't touch it.

2) Of course there is traffic. I knew there would be traffic. What I still can't get is WHY. They have a pretty smart way of making sure the cars get to go where they are going without stopping anyone else to make it happen. This is called a jug-handle. They LOVE when I talk about the jug-handle, though I've got nothing but praise for this concept. Sometimes it is before, sometimes after an intersection, but all turns are made from this side-road-access point to keep the thru drivers from waiting for a left hand turn signal or pedestrian in the crosswalk. The trouble is that the lights take just as long; you are not guaranteed a jug-handle so if you are in the right lane you may have to jet left to make a left hand turn or wait and U-turn back, and there is STILL TRAFFIC. Get this - it is a nightmare to widen streets because they would have to also move all the jug-handles!!!! Sometimes the jug-handles get bigger, like they go around a building or a whole block instead of just a corner of park-like nothingness, but this does not mean I'll be getting to work with any sanity any time soon.

3) The food. The white bread out here is just better. I did go for groceries last week, mostly deli stuff, but when the fridge had a foul stench I decided to clean that bastard out before putting any real food in there. This had me getting a familiar hello from the joint up the street that serves pizza, pasta, hot subs, and salads. Yep, I've been in a food coma for a week. This is a terrible way for me to be, as capped off yesterday by my trip to the CVS for tampons with an unplanned grab of the box of Oreo's and a quart of milk (then I ate half a row for lunch immediately upon entering the house). On my sugar buzz I went to the real grocery store, a taste of home because it is owned by a Cali counterpart, and realized when I unpacked that I tend toward really good food when given the choice. You just can't put a meatball sub next to it, cuz I'll eat that too.

4) They say they move faster, talk faster, think faster out here. On holiday weeks, they are slow as molasses just like us lazy west siders. These are all generalizations naturally, but they were so concerned I wouldn't be able to keep up... then took 2 hours deciding what take out to order from before actually going to lunch. Whoh!!! Hold up speed demons, I'm a laid back fruit or nut from Cali, I can't keep up with your frantic NYC-wannabe pace!! I keep reminding them I'm smart enough to follow direction and I have worked for the company before and this job compared to the last one is like monotony on a cracker, but they coddle me anyway. Whatev, I'll suck up the attention and like it.

5) It feels like I've been here forever already. I have to constantly remind myself it's been a, singular, mono, lone, week. Like when I dream of moving out into my own place, or buying a place, or selling a place for a bigger place, I have to look at the box of pictures still not hung in the corner and remember that I haven't even gotten a first paycheck yet. Maybe it's all the Jewish centers around here, got me planning my money before it's even here.

6) The space. There is open space everywhere. They have yards here. Even the strip malls are surrounded by open fields instead of other strip malls. I have to get into a BIG parking lot to see over the trees enough to catch the colors of the sunset. And all the trees were right in the middle of turning when I came in last week, so I'm catching the progress from vibrant to dead. No matter, it creates curbs made of maple leaves that somehow remind me of the Pine Tree Town I grew up in.

7) They don't understand when I say I'm not really used to the cold. What they consider a high for the day is what I'm used to getting as my 4am low. That it is clear out doesn't help me a bit except that I'm more likely to want to go out. Yesterday I spent 4 hours driving around the state - I was wearing mittens for the first 90 minutes of it. I'll be investing in lots of wool socks, and some new shoes to put them in, as well as sweaters that I can wear t-shirts under (the camis give me the shelf bra look, and I just can't have that), and while my cute little coats are, uh, cute, I do need at least one that has a removable fleece lining, preferably something that doesn't imply I'll be skiing any time soon. They tell me this isn't cold, and then clack their teeth on the way to their cars. Bite me, 34 degrees is cold, no matter what. Yes, it snowed on my car the other day, yes I have been rained on, yes I understand this is nothing compared to what February will put me though... I also understand that blood actually thickens up to make you more tolerant to the cold, and my triple layered body is working very hard to make that happen. I'm sure a walk around the massive block would help the circulation, and I see people running outdoors, but somehow I can't manage to get that into the 2 hours of the day it gets above 40 degrees.

8) Last one, I promise.
I want to grow up.
I want to have the balls to tell my roomie that he needs to get some shelves in his closets so this place isn't a clutter fest.
I want to tell the coworkers that giving directions is only useful until I can try them out - repeating them 4 times in a row only makes me want to get in the car, not makes me feel comfortable with taking all back roads through a town I've never heard of.
I want to say to Mr. Jersey that I'm not having sex with anyone until I'm comfortable admitting that I fake it 80% of the time because every guy likes ego strokes, not because I don't know how to get off.
I want to buy furniture. I want to buy things without picturing how easy they would be to pack and move.
I want to say I'm from somewhere in a brief sentence instead of a brief paragraph.
I really really want to buy a place, even a condo, and I think it is mostly about having roots somewhere. My roots though, because I picked that place to call home. Not because I could afford it, or because soandso said I would like it, or because it's close to someone. Are jug-handles and wool socks part of my definition of home?? Well, I'm inclined to think so, though not this part of Jersey, maybe just a smidge more north... but what do I know, I've been here for a week ;)

Countdown to Tday

2007-11-21T15:36:00.000-05:00

It's been almost 3 days of work.
I'm currently the ONLY one in the office.
The super head honcho guy planned the day off, and Friday too I think.
My boss was here until just after lunch, with the announcement that she needed someone to stay until 4pm (but did not announce why), but we could stagger out of here between 3 and 4pm.

As the only one with no family waiting at home, I volunteered to spend the rest of my afternoon surfing the net in the office so they could go.
If I don't catch the roomie in the house soon so I can get one of the 2 computers online for me, I'm going to add internet to my cell phone plan and use my own damn phone line. It's been 3 days, I asked him to log me back in, still nothing, and he's not there when I am to ask again.

So, the job is going well, they are great about helping me with the training and learning curve and getting me to and from the office without too many lost hours on my part, and we got to wear jeans today so it was all smiles.

And, with no plans tomorrow, or until I come back to work on Monday really, I'm here wondering how awful it would be to try to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in person(the locals won't DREAM of going into the city on a holiday, got me a little scared),or if I should plan clean the kitchen enough to actually cook in it to make grocery shopping worth while. Also on the list is to figure how many more factors I can add to the list of ways to attempt, without actually facilitating, gaining weight; so far I've got:
-rehydrating after a week of trying to minimize stops while driving cross country
- Flo waiting with baited breath for 5 days
-using full fat full sugar creamer in every one of my 6-8 cups of coffee a day
- get introduced to the pizza/pasta/italian sub place around the corner, where I proceed to eat every meal
- office snacks in the way of Dunkin Donut box of bite-sized delights.
Sure, it's a different belt than the one I needed to cinch by 2 notches while on vacation, but as my only thought turns to how I can't wait to get home and out of this button down shirt and back into sweats, I'm thinking I may have finally gotten the swelling to turn into something that will register on a scale. Not that I have one, but there is something gratifying about not being comfortable in your own clothes AND gaining 5 pounds. Without it you can't even pretend it's muscle weight.

Is it bad that I wear one set of sweats around the house, then change into another set of sweats to go to bed? Is that too much? The PJ version is just so voluminous, and the buttons on the cargo ones dig into me when I roll over... discuss amoungst yourselves, report back.

Word of the Day: tashoyah. As in "just goes tashoyah, you delete their number and they call you within a week", or "hey, I have Got tashoyah this!!" It is one word here, and during training week I've realized this. While the nic-names for stuff being different is worthy of the raz factor going both ways, I'm pretty impressed at how some differences seem to make it under the radar (and have me ducking behind my actually almost privacy invoking cubicle wall to giggle the hardest).

Happy Turkey day!! I hope you guys all get to smile about your celebration plans!! If your day sucks, imagine sitting with me on the leather couch with the huge flat screen tv and total control over the remote with real Baileys in the coffee, with only the heater intake panel to interupt us...

Settled

2007-11-17T00:14:00.000-05:00

While there are a few boxes left, I don't feel the need to have 2 coffee pots in use in any kitchen at one time, so I'm basically moved in.
Some of this stuff I didn't even unpack in the home that I shared with my sister, and the walls already carry more of me than the apartment did.
I sleep well, I wake up well, and when thinking of what to do this weekend I am ok with being here.

Sister got a DUI last night.
I got a message from her 12 hours earlier saying "it is still strange not having you here sister".
She hasn't yet explained what happened.
It took me 2 hours to send a reply. I said "I don't know what to say."
6 hours later she asked how the unpacking was going, and that was all there was to that conversation.
I've been gone for a week, and she got herself a record.
Honestly, my first thought, quickly followed by "I got out just in time, and they won't follow me here."

The shock is here.
The solidarity that this is the right thing is what my faith is based on, even if I have no fucking idea what I'm doing here.
I don't feel like I was running away any more than I feel like I came here for any particular reason.
Sometimes though, there is a little familiarity, like I've dreamed this and it's finally here.
It's happened before.
It's de ja vu, but wrapped up in comfort like sheppard's pie with it's blanket of mashed potatoes.

I freaked out, I'm kinda scared, and I really need a map. Other than that, JB has come to visit and given the official seal of approval of the place, as a concerned-for-Sassy citizen, and even hung out long enough to let me scribble some notes on how to get to more than the grocery store, like work. Oh, and his version of Welcome to Jersey that was somehow very close to the Welcome to Vegas I got last week and the Welcome to NYC I got last month.

There will be a whole nuther mental break down on that one, but for now it's nice to have a friendly face and a welcome wagon.
I give it like a month.

Anywho, it feels a little better being here now that the force of Get It Done is gone and it's on to the adventure part of it. And that Sister royally fucked up so quickly makes me know that I needed this. Right now.
Yep, that's what gets me to sleep, that I bailed on my soul sucker sister just in time. Add to that the nausia inducing petrifying panic will have to subside enough to make me put real clothes on and go to work and figure out why the fuck I'm spending Thanksgiving in a parka out side of Macy's for the parade when I've spent the last year sacrificing everything I have for my family.

And there we have it.
A breakthrough.
Did I ever tell you I was a psych major? Oh, and I was a philosophy major too, if that helps you explain why it takes me so unbelievably long to actually say anything =)
Thanks for the session Dr. Blogger. I'll be vacating the living room soon if only not to puke at the giggle fest of the roomies. Turns out it's a freshie relationship, so that explains why I'm so jealous of how much fun they have together and have to hide in my internet-less, tv-less room. Oh, shit, it's 1am and I have a day job in three days. Damn sitcoms and their hypnotic laugh tracks... no wonder I'm hungry...

Oh, right, word of the day is: Rockettes. I heard a commercial for the 75th anniversary Christmas Celebration and thought "huh, maybe I'll go to the 100th and compare them" which was immediately followed by sitting back in my chair and calculating how old I would be and imagining me as a woman hardened by New Jersey traffic and New York subways with stories of being a kid in shorts at Christmas and Easter. Of course by then NJ and NY might also be warm enough for that, but I'm tangentially filling space again - I promise, if this thing had page markers I could finish the thought as the sentance hit the midline of the last line before starting a new page - turns out everything I know I knew in 8th grade. Moving sucks for more than the bruises.

Jug Handles

2007-11-15T16:34:00.000-05:00

I've made it to Jersey. 3 days of concentrated driving got me from my step-sister's place in Flagstaff, AZ to my new place with almost a shred of intellect left. My ass is flat and my gut is pooched and my posture sucks, but I'm here. The truck of stuff was delivered yesterday, the unpacking has been intense, and there is still plenty to go but I needed a return to the sitting position before my feet completely revolted against being stood on and walked out on me.

I am currently amazed at how I packed everything myself, sealed the boxes myself, and still manage to be allergic to my stuff during the unpacking process, but it's a reason for a break and I'm impressed I've had a thought at all, so thanks for small miracles.

I won't disuade anyone from making the cross country trip, I'll just request that they have enough money to stay in hotels more often and take their time with it. I drove through the entirety of Pennsylvania in the dark - sure, it probably looks a lot like Ohio, but it would have been nice to be an expert on the point. On the other hand, I've learned the value of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich, the longevity of 8lbs of ice in my cooler, and the number of miles I can go between bathroom breaks (time is irrelelvant in such situations, one must know if "next rest stop, 72 miles" is doable).

Of all the first experiences I've had here so far - getting to a curve in the road and staring at the Empire State Building, Turnpike gas station stops, toll roads, streets that are named Route #xx - my favorite is the randomness of the jug handle turn. It's a great way to avoid traffic being stopped for a left hand turner or pedestrians getting mowed over by a right hand turner, but to see every corner use them and to assume all turns are made from the right and then to get to you're 'exit' from the route to find a left hand turn lane... well, this will be a fun learning curve, I promise you that. Plus, it's fun to say "jug", we kinda let that word fall out of rotation in Cali, and jug handle somehow makes me think of copping a feel 2nd base style... add to that the move to Middlesex county and I'm giggling Bevis and Butthead style every time I talk to anyone.

So, I'm here, slowly regaining my ability to form thoughts and eat something besides drive-thru fare. Next is to finish unpacking, get a TV, and find the phone jack so I don't have to sit in the living room to get online. Other than that, maybe practice wearing real shoes and real clothes so Monday's work attire is less of a shock- it's been 6 weeks!!!!!!!! Off to organize a closet...

Just Do It

2007-11-06T22:14:00.000-05:00

I packed a moving truck alone today.
8' wide, 7' high, 5' deep, tied down, tarped up, and moved the wall of plywood into place myself.
Yes, I manhandled an 8' wide, 7' high slab of plywood down a 28' trailer and locked it into place myself. The truck driver couldn't believe it, he won't even load them in himself.

At this point, after the waiting and dreading and planning and planning a Plan B and C and D, it was all I could do not to get in the car and start driving tonight.
Silly me, when I bumped into Sister this morning - first night she's spent in her own bed in 4 nights, and only because I left a note asking that I be up when she left so I could get my day started - and she didn't know if I left today or tomorrow, I thought she would give a shit that it isn't til tomorrow. I called her when she was supposed to get off work, asked her if it was a good price on the speakers I had to replace (the 4th of July trip she took my car for 12 hours and it came back with the back speakers blown, with a 4 minute commute I didn't give a shit, but I'm driving cross country so it was time to suck it up and prepare to have the volume above 3), and she started in on how hard her day was and how late she would be getting out of the office.
Not that it matters, yesterday she was to call me on her way out of the office and maybe meet me for dinner, I came back to the house at 7pm to find her dressed and ready to go - what did she have to say for herself?? "wanna go to Hollywood? no? didn't think so, bye!"

It's now 7:26pm. The sun has been down for 2 hours. I had a cup of coffee and my favorite doughnut from my favorite place while waiting for the speaker install. I got to the house about half an hour ago to find her in bed with the lights off. Apparently she thinks she's coming down with something. Only because I've artificially stimulated my eyes open am I considering it, but right now I am so frustrated with being ignored I'm ready to hop in the shower, pack my shit, and drive until I see a hotel that will rack me up the airline miles or the Luxor lightbeam, whichever comes first. Surely I'll tucker out right about the time I get the car loaded... maybe that wouldn't be all bad either actually... make it fucking obvious how ready I am to bail by loading the car with my suitcase tonight so I can beat her out the door in the morning and bail.

The big rub is this: after avoiding me for basically the whole 2 weeks I've been living in her bedroom, pointedly disrespecting me here and there, being absolutely no help whatsoever with basics like "I'm taking this jewelry case, which earrings do you want to keep?", she still has the nerve to say (and yes, of the 4 times she's spoken to me in the last 7 days, this was an actual sentance) "I think you should take that bookcase, but no I can't take a lunch and help you load it into the truck. Oh, you want to leave the couch? why???? don't worry, I'll just bring it to you when I come out there or whatever."
Fuck.
Fuck me with a pogo stick.

I will admit part of the appeal of being on the complete opposite side of the country is to be very hard to find by my family. She is already planning to chase me. fuckityfuckfuck. And, go figure, when I try to bring to her attention that this exact behavior is an exact replica of the other times we ended up not talking to each other for about 6 months, she is gone or passed out. Fuck.

So, I'm here killing time until daylight when I can enjoy the scenery and the excitement of a few days in Vegas. A pamer party where I have nothing to do but smile and be enjoyed and spoiled.
And then........................................................................................ I'M MOVING TO JERSEY!!!!!!!!!!
It's guna take a few days, and I didn't invest in a laptop or handheld internet portal yet, but chat me up cuz I'm plopping down in front of the computer the instant I hit my new place and I'd LOVE to feel the love from you!

At Long Last

2007-11-02T14:32:00.000-04:00

A job.
I got the job.
Working for my company, in New Jersey.
It took a few weeks to get it to come together, but I just got off the phone with my new boss who thinks it's a little nuts that I want to drive across the country to work with her, but she is excited to have me.
Sight unseen, I got the fucking job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you notes are being mailed today, yes they are!
And, with all the waiting I was considering giving in to the temptation to live somewhere local - now I have got to be across the country and at work 8am 11/19, so no pussy foot'n around it any more.

Yes, I'm excited. I typically don't set big goals because I so hate being disappointed, but here we have it - I wanted a change, I wanted the east coast, I wanted this company to take me places, I wanted to crack the $40K barrier, and I wanted it NOW. I was already hoarse from sleeping with the window open (or the 5 cats in the house, or the lack of any working cleaning tools), but the yelps of happiness I've been squeeking out for the last 10 minutes aren't helping a damn thing!

AAAAaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh... now, to nail one of these apartments to the wall and get a lease signed - or find the month to month roomie that will let me pay off my student loan and save for furniture before I sign a lease somewhere... whatever, details work themselves out right??
I'm going for the exponential joy of getting it all together today - job, place, and moving company all set up within hours? With the research and effort I've already poured into this heartwrenching project, absofuckenlutely! Watch this...

Frustration

2007-11-01T18:04:00.000-04:00

While it was fun to joke about sharing a bed with my sister, somehow the reality is giving me bronchitis.
I've been kinda living like a hermit, rolling from the bed to the computer and forcing myself to the corner gas station for a cup of coffee just to see if the sun came out that day. While in the summer I'm sure it's nice to have the bedroom window completely covered in wild ivy that fills to the last leaf with butterflys, in October, it's simply a pile of deadness covering whatever amount of light the overcast days of fall might allow. And the roomie is more than accomodating, but to be offered food every time I leave the bedroom accompanied with the hour of chat that has every one of her sentances starting with "it's like"... I got bored of it when I lived with a 21 year old, to have a 50 year old doing it is just driving me more and more into my hole.
Well, Sister's hole.
Add to this the screwy sleep cycle (about 4 consecutive hours is all I've managed since returning to CA), the hours spent medling in my old boxes in an effort to ween myself off the packrat mentality and into the tiny Uhaul cross country road trip mentality, and the ashen air replaced with the wet mild fog has my lungs not knowing if they hate living with 5 cats and a broken vacuum more than they hate dust and ash and wetness. Though I do admit there is something almost hot about a Demi Moore rasp, the random hacking cough is getting to be less random and more of a humbling reminder to find the sweatshirts amist the packed boxes.
Perhaps the worst of it all is the leads I've had from jobs and apartments - just enough to get me glued to the internet for 15 hours a day hitting refresh for a morsel of hope that I really will be able to hop in the car next week and start my new life.
In the mean time, its a barrage of moving company quotes, meanial keep busy jobs, shitty roomie situations with outlandish lease requirements, and a few big fish that keep tugging my heartstrings of hope.

It will happen, I'll find a way, but the waiting has me remembering that sometimes being the romantic optomistic has it's perks - everlasting patience for the better.

Oh, there's been plenty of drama too, but honestly, I'm bored of it myself, so you'll miss this round of blah blah dad emails and blah blah Sister bitch fit and blah blah I've deleted half the numbers in my phone for how great my 'friends' have been this week and blah blah Mr. Man hasn't left my email or text alone for more than 6 hours in over a week now and somehow that makes me more sad than excited even though I'm waiting here for him to come take me to Vegas next week.
Back to the rental applications and counting my dollars as they slip out of my account...

Moven On Out

2007-10-23T14:40:00.000-04:00

I've had a couple of phone interviews at this point, they are looking to fill a few positions and told me about each of them. They are interviewing for one, and I would enjoy that job, but the timeline and variety of work involved in the second position have it winning me over.

I was afraid to come back to CA because I thought I'd want to find a way to stay - that the entire skyline is orange and black with fire and my sister that wouldn't leave me alone with the "miss you!" texts while I was gone can't be bothered to talk to me instead if her guy even while I stay in her room. That and the fact that I'm still living out of my suitcase, and I'm set to go.

So, I am supposed to get the call by the end of the week (the office is crazy busy this week, and even the rush job doesn't have a start date until 11/01), and until then apparently my top priority is sleeping and eating. Not that I really need to do either, but when left to my own devices, I plan a whole list of things to do the night before and when my period takes over I kinda let Flo run the show by morning. Plus, staying in means I don't spend money!!!

Vacation, Breakthrough

2007-10-18T18:14:00.000-04:00

Small victories are what we are going for these days.
I feel like I just had one.
2 months of hmmmm'n and haaaaawww'n, and I just left a message and sent an email to apply for a job in New Jersey.
That's right, I didn't get to talk to anyone for real, but I made the effort to make the contact and by golly, that is worth a fuck of a lot at this point.
Now, the kids are back, and the neighborhood kids are out of school, and it is climbing in decibals as the kinetic energy in the house gets the afternoon buzz... but I made the effort, didn't just talk about it, and to me, that means my day has been a success.

Oh, and I threw a monster fit via email to everyone who's email address I could remember about how fucked up it is that the company was going to just sit on my final paycheck (that they tried to send 10/04, I wasn't expecting until 10/15, and it is now cusping the CA 72 hour rule) until I asked for it, then hold it captive at the office until I personally came in to get it. No fucking way am I going to set foot in that office again, and I especially won't rush back just to make sure the pissy little bitch at the front desk gets her power trip because she was at her desk to sign for the FedEx package. That was pretty gratifying =)

So, I didn't call EVERY office in New Jersey, but I did write down all the phone numbers so I can possibly use the quiet in the morning to call and ask for managers to see what positions I could get within the same company. Yes, I just threw a fit about a paycheck and want to stay with the same company - its all about getting the resume to look like I don't get bored and leave jobs, which I do, but if its in the same company, its "getting promoted to roles of increasing responsibility" instead of "she was already trained so we moved her to a new seat". =)

Word of the day: spanktopia. We found these yummy little phio dough and spinach things at Costco but the name is so long, we keep coming up with new spank- things to call them. Spankapolooza works just as well. It's fun, just say it and you kinda smile. Additions to the list welcome, I'm all jacked up on french press french roast coffee and can't concentrate on anything besides how full my bladder feels like it is and the pace at which my feet twitch.

Vacation, Extended

2007-10-13T14:21:00.000-04:00

Word of the Day: whythefucknot?
I don't have a job to go back to, everything I own is in storage, I'm not terribly excited about my next step being a friends rent-free extra room (I did that 3 years ago, have I really not gotten past that stage yet? do I really need that experience again??), and Sister says she can make it without me for another week (yes, we are stretching that ambilical cord one day at a time)... so, with the 4 speaking members of the family asking if I really have to go home so soon (the wee one kinda grunts and screams to communicate, but he smiles at me a lot and I figured out he wanted juice and pretzels last night, so in my book he's cool with me), and my gut telling me that I'll have more luck with a breakthrough in deciding where to locate the next chapter of my life in a place where I can't consider hiding in this bed forever (it doesn't belong to me, eventually the girls will want the bottom bunk back)... I booked an extra week of my vacation.
That's right.
I'm not super excited to get back, so why not extend the time away??

So, I fly back to CA next Saturday (because I've got family visiting the next week and I don't want to miss it!), I'm surrounded by kids and dogs and grown ups who are worth spending time with, and there is laundry on site to help keep me from getting too funky before I leave ;) Oh, right, and I'll be in front of the computer for about 40 hours of the week trying to navigate the "I can go anywhere, where do I want to live, what do I want to do, will this job bore the life out of me in 6 months, am I at all qualified for this, am I really ok with living 2000 miles from anything I've known, is it a cop-out to stay where I am, etc, etc, etc" that has haunted me for about two months now and is finally feeling like it might come to fruition soon.
Minor detail, nearly forgot that part of the reason I'm staying.

Also, I'm not the only one using the whythefucknot mentality - last night I got to babysit while the parents went out for a drink... mom said it was the first time since ever... they asked if I was seriously ok with it, and were out the door in less than 4 minutes of my confirmation. They had such a good time, they snuck back into the house a good hour before they let the kids know they were back... I'm not saying they christened the new bedroom, I'm just saying they could have ;)

Try the whythefucknot mentality today, let me know where it takes you =)

Vacation, Day 10

2007-10-11T19:53:00.000-04:00

When is the last time you were on a vacation for 10 days???
yeah??!!
ME EITHER!!!

It feels great to have nothing to do but eventually change my PJs... but, alas, knowing that I do eventually have to pick a life to come back to, it's starting to get stressful to have nothing to distract me from the thoughts of what's next.
There are 3 dogs and 3 kids and a set of very smart and cool parents to distract me here, but honestly I kinda like that life happens with or without guests sometimes and I've had a chance to get back to the computer, send my emails (aka therapeutic journaling without the talkback or the monthly bill), and find out where I gravitate.

And guess what?? After missing the trains every time I tried to catch them and being caught in the rain and having every guy treat me as if he'd never seen a pair of tits and the girls giving it to me straight with "it's the same here as where you are from, but the weather is better where you are, and the only reason I can afford it is because my boyfriend's dad owns the building we live in" and deciding to stay in the room with the bottle of KY and room service instead of putting on the business suit and going to interview at the offices I'd planned to since I looked into where exactly my international company could take me in... I'm on the exact same sites, checking out the same cities and the same jobs as before.

So, does that mean I'm just as lost? Just as committed to bailing on my comfort zone? The vacation didn't scare me away from these places, but that isn't saying too much since I spent my birthday having a fantasy played out on my behalf and the rest of the time I was escorted by a local through the traffic and noise (or in my hotel with room service and a bottle of KY). Might I still end up living in a ghetto neighborhood simply because I can't wrap my head around applying for jobs that pay what I know I'll eventually be worth... and feel like I'm giving up to apply to do what I used to do, even though the idea of doing anything is completely overwhelming at this point, because I'm fairly convinced it will take more than a week to learn myself well enough to find a job that I WON'T be totally bored of in 6 months (and to get into that job!)

On that note, its about time for me to realize that no matter how late I wake up, I still need coffee to keep the headache away, that I'm in a house with 3 kids and 3 dogs and I can just as easily have a crisis while learning Spanish with Dora the Explorer and getting my hands torn up by puppy teeth... and if we are very lucky, I'll open the wine before dinner and get used to the idea that kids just scream as a form of communication and not because they are in any danger at all, and that as the resident couch surfer I can squelch my inner babysitter and just watch the grown-ups talk over it while I wonder if that strange feeling in my ear is leftover from the number of flights I've taken in the last 2 weeks or if something has actually ruptured.

Vacation, Day Three

2007-10-06T00:10:00.000-04:00

So fucking sue me, I'm on vacation and I missed an update day.
It's been quite a good vacation - sleeping til noon, not wearing makeup or brushing my hair, barely leaving the house but when we do it's for food or shopping...
I have dinner plans for my birthday on Sunday that required THE little dress, so we went to get it, then needed the shoes, then the underthings, then the wrap... I might even go for the mani and pedi and even a haircut to go with, but since my bank was nice enough to think that my extravegent spending habits in Maryland were a bit out of character, then have me on hold for an HOUR until my PHONE DIED in the shoe store without releasing the hold on my account... well, I might be seeking out a branch in Jersey before I find a pamper place.
I will say though, especially to Curmudgeon, that I now have a GREAT outfit for a New Years celebration (hhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnttttttttttttttttt).
The only thing that sucks so far is that 1) I haven't applied for a job yet and I'll be away from a computer until Wednesday so I'd better do it, well, NOW, midnight before I have to be up at 7am to catch my ride out of here, and 2) that I've had the strangest expectation of de ja vu all day today... like everything is set for me to 'remember' having a conversation that just has no reason to be here with these people or even in my head at all since I can't 'recall' enough of it to get it started and out of my head... so I just keep living in this partial haze of being an onlooker of what is going on and wanting this ah-hah moment that really just isn't going to come.

Vacations ROCK. I don't care where I stay or with who or how crazy it is to go to a xxx store looking for garter belts or teddys with the wife of the guy who promised to ravage me on sight since the first day we chatted while he went for a cup of coffee and she handed me items to try on... it's new and different and a break from the normal day-to-day and I will be using all my vacation days I acrew anywhere ASAP - and I urge you to do the same.

Vacation, Day One

2007-10-03T17:52:00.000-04:00

Yesterday doesn't count, I was on a plane all day. Though the location I landed in is absolutely magnificent in it's floiage, and dinner at the local steak house was delightful, it was still a travel day and really much less of a vaction than, say, waiting in line is what you go to Disneyland for.
So, day one was spent in bed. I was hollered at around 3:30pm and asked if I was planning on getting out of bed at all... I woke up a few times, but prefered to roll over and write in my journal or read in my book or simply stare out the window at the branch of leaves where one half is bright red and the other side is still healthy green... I showered, but the only clean clothes I had upstairs with me were my PJs, so I came down clean and in my jammies and was handed a breakfast lean pocket and a cup of coffee at nearly 5pm.
I listened to a bit of the financial channel, then when the coffee started making my feet twitch I asked to get online and am now checking emails and job postings and apartment listings and making sure all my mailers get to my sister's address until further notice.
And, as Shoes suggested, I'm feeling quite reserved from the world. The house is literally covered by trees, they have lived here since 1973 so there is a very lived in feel to the rooms (not what I'm used to since the apartment I just moved out of had absolutely everything replaces or freshly painted over the day we moved in), and the people are simply from a different frame of mind, for 23405245809280 reasons, than anyone I'm used to spending any real time with, and all of this has me very much out of my norm, and quite well poised to facilitate stepping out of myself and taking a good look at what I want to be doing... instead of hiding in my comfort zone and whining about not wanting to leave.
More soon...

Fired

2007-09-28T15:58:00.000-04:00

It was nicely, and they are giving me a kind of severence, but I was fired this morning.
I'm having a hard time wording the "I'm giving 2 weeks" letter, but I'm sure something will pop out.
It's entertaining at this point, the shock has worn off and I'm looking at all the things that I can shred and use as packing materials.
I'm set to move out of the apartment this weekend, board a plane Tuesday for a 2 week vacation, and try to decide if I want to return to So Cal at the end of it or not.
I could stay local, but I might as well bail, right??

Miscommunication

2007-09-26T15:00:00.000-04:00

The word of the day.
Absolutely defines what I have been busying myself with for the past 4 hours.
I was going to plow through my work this morning and skip lunch break and leave early to deal with some of the details of moving that require before-5pm attention, but as it stands I was having conversations that every one of my other office staff had with clients because "somehow I just think it isn't getting through and I've talked to you the most over the past few weeks and just feel better telling you directly because I want you to not miss anything I've told your partners". A good hour of my morning was spent getting someone to the right place because a message was left at her home last night asking her to report to work - come to find out the name of the place wasn't part of that message so we had her 25 miles in the wrong direction - when I tried to get some information out of the person who I thought would have it, I was told to let it sit and have a meeting instead of working out the details; 30 minutes later I have an embarrassed worker at the wrong office and the office staff wondering what kind of organization she is working with if we are sending people to the wrong place - all the while an office across the county is left wondering why they asked for our help and it's not there.

Miscommunication. Definately the word of the day.

Tweak

2007-09-24T18:44:00.000-04:00

I've been called a lot of things, but never did I think I'd ever be the kind of girl who could be called "crackhead" and have it apply.

I didn't clue in to chew gum until well into day two... I'm on a liquid diet until further notice only because I'm well on my way to a snap-diagnosis of TMJ and the dentist will be ripping my mouth open on Thursday.

Side note - I'm looking into laptops and digi cams at the same time I get a catalog for a Pleasure Party across my desk at work. I'm going on a major 2 week vacation in a week and moving this weekend and apparently I'm dead set on blowing a shitload of money... nothing like 2 all-nighters to get you thinking you need everything under the sun in your posession =) But, I don't do shopping very well at all, so I've been a bit of a pest about referrals for these items... also, I need a great dress for a dinner in NYC at a place that used to have a great view of WTC - if anyone can think of where I'm being taken (it's a birthday surprise!!!) and how to appropriately dressed (black cocktail dress was mentioned, mine is a bit hussy though) and where I can find a dress (maybe in NYC???) that mere mortals can afford (and shoes to go with???), I'd be more than appreciative!

I nearly forgot my word of the day - onetouchcumable.
That was my physical state for about an hour today, verified when Aunt Flo demanded I stop looking at the party catalog and dislodge the sopping wet cotton rocket and give her one SHE could use. I like how it is one word but says so much.

new favorite word

2007-09-20T20:40:00.001-04:00

perhaps if I stop trying to make every post a soul search, I'll get here more often.

so, today, I offer my new favorite word: twatmonster.
typically used as a nicname, it can also become an adjective if I'm so inclined.
feel free to drop this into you adult conversations and watch te creativity ensue.

=)

Been a While

2007-08-12T16:41:00.000-04:00

I know, I hear you, but I like not being in front of the computer all the time!
Well, more like, I like being asked to WORK at work and not being able to fill my time with meandering thoughts that leave my fingertips callused.
Whatever, this is what I've been up to:
--Made a big splash at work, got my entire office into the black, so that when my boss and her boss went in front of a panel of the next 5 levels of whip-slashers, they were told to take a coffee break. I will make approximately $333 for my efforts - before taxes.
--Got laid. Sticky situation, but it was really good, and he is all sucked up on me now, telling me that I am just a genuine person with a warm disposition that he finds rare enough to finagle a way back into my area to be around. Could be trouble, but for now, its a new friend and a reason to remember the good parts of being a woman - namely Fuck Me Heels and how to walk in them properly.
--Put Sister in her place a bit, aired my greivances, told her where I feel taken advantage of, and that I won't put up with this disrespect anymore. Its a more mellow kind of hanging out now, but we aren't avoiding each other anymore, and I haven't had to sleep in my car for a couple of weeks just to get some rest, so that's better.
--Still fighting with the security of my home. Sister found the door open again last week and the property managers can't be bother to return phone calls or be in the office EVER, so we've put in work orders for this and that and aren't paying rent until we get someone to talk to us. =) Being a bitch is sometimes a most addicting kind of delicious =)
--I've got a boy. Young, clueless, almost yummy, but mostly someone to cuddle with whenever I feel like it. Too bad for him I got a man to fuck the ever liven back into me, or I might put up with his LITERAL 2-pump-chump-ness (picture 'American Pie', but instead of the embarassment, it was 'wow, you are good'. I simply can't find a way to show you what a disappointment this is). He buys me dinner when I tell him I'm hungry, he hired a new guy at his work so he can take time off just to take me to dinner, and he really likes me, doens't want to talk about my ideas of the east coast, but I simply am bored with him and have to talk myself into calling him. I might lower my standards and want to train this youngen soon, but since I never even had to potty train an animal, let alone train it to sit and stay, I'm kinda not predispositioned to putting up with "huh? repeat please."
--I'm seriously considering moving to the east coast - Baltimore, New York, New Jersey are my searches today. Having been born and raised in California, I'm a little impressed at how easy it is for me to imagine being there - and knowing that flights are the same price to take me from here to Reno or here to Portland (HI MOT!!!) or here to Baltimore... well, it makes it easier to daydream about since it doesn't feel like I'll be 3,000 miles away from anything remotely familiar. Plus, I've got some friends out that way who have birthdays coming up and its about time to say hi.
--I'm sick of wearing professional clothes. Am seriously wondering if this industry actually has the money they keep teasing me with, or if I should find a restaurant where I can wear the company logo on a Tshirt and whatever tennies I pick up at Costco and use the $50K my dad put into my teeth to make me prom queen to bring home the $$$$ in a job where I can have fun. Sales is alright, but if a deal goes bad at a restaurant, you're out $50, not keeping your team from hitting a revenue mark and having to remember for the next 2 years why that company won't talk to you ever again even though they'd already spent bukubucks with the company before you came along.
--Finally chumming up and making the doctors appointments. Surely this will be a process, to get to talk to everyone I need to about this and that thing I need checked out, but the statement of what I've spent this year to have the opportunity to go is pissing me off to the point that the fear of them finding something serious (or just annoying but incurable) is taking a back seat. I'm very good at the "what you don't know can't hurt you" and the Darwinian theory meshed together when it comes to medical care... but I have a solid group of care-about-me friends and its time to listen to them boss me around a bit and conceed that maybe I don't know EVERYTHING about everything, even if it is contained in my very own skin sack.

I guess thats about that's on my mind these days - I rock at this job but need to start making money to at least buy a new suit to pull it off, I'm looking at nationwide opportunities to change things up a bit, and in the mean time I've got leftovers from dinner last night with the youngen with a twitch in my britches for someone else.
Of course the day-by-day playbook is SO much more fun that this, but if I can keep up from here, I'll get on it =)

The Softer Side of Sassy

2007-07-12T14:29:00.000-04:00

Today's Quote

We know nothing of tomorrow, our business is to be good and happy today.
-Sydney Smith

I get these in my email, I kinda like them for the perspective they tend to lend.
In a chat with Curmudgeon, I realized that right this minute, I am not bitching, and decided that was document worthy!

Work is work, but the pressure to double the weekly goal that I acheived as a sole effort on TUESDAY is totally self imposed, the sun is shining and I've got the windows open so I'm feeling a bit more alive with the natural light pouring in (plus I can see the ocean from my office, so while the phone rings I spin around in my chair and stare at the deep blue sea, waiting for the afternoon white caps to start appearing any moment now), the cat was normal and polite this morning so I didn't start the day with profanity labels, and my body is in a delightful state of worked out and nourished without being sore or starved that has an obvious benifit on my personality. Can one really live on nutritional suppliments and fresh fruit alone, forever?? Cuz I kinda like not worrying whats for lunch these days...
Speaking of, I'm off to enjoy the sunshine, have a smile today, or borrow mine, I've got plenty!

Shit

2007-07-11T10:49:00.000-04:00

Waking up 45 minutes late because Sister has spent the last few nights at Double Dip's and I am accustomed to waking up to a rukkus.
Well, Shit.
OK though, I've developed a new hair style that REQUIRES that I neither brush nor dry my hair before leaving the house, and I've got the War Paint (read: face of makeup) down to a 5 minute science and I've been wearing the same outfits to work for longer than I care to admit (read: YEARS, all new clothes are Saturday wear).

So, I'm a little sore from the cat sleeping on me and my back wearing an extra 10 pounds through the night but I am getting out of the house with 10 minutes to get 7 minutes up the street and I eek a little when I bend over to grab my shoes and wonder what hell-atious dump the cat took that the multiple cat box and litter to herself can't mask even a bit of the stench and I look up to the cream microfiber chair I was going to sit in to put my shoes on and its covered in shit.
Covered. In Shit.
So I turn to find the cat and repremand her for, you know, having a regular BM, and find that she was so upset at her behavior that she puked ALL OVER the living room.
All. Over.

So, yeah, morning didn't start well.

I roll into work with a swirl of leaves in the wake of my path (literally, actually, not blow'n smoke at ya this time) and in the elevator turn my phone to vibrate to find a text from Front Desk saying "I'm coming in maybe an hour late, can you turn the phones on?" with one of those obnoxious signature lines with smiles and decorations all over it.

Oh, and I started a diet plan Monday to reset my metabolism and break the sugar roller coaster I spend my days on, so on top of all that, I'm hungry.
Really, really hungry.
No shakes or headaches, but my stomach is bored and tells me about it.
Minute by minute updates, especially in the morning.
So, I'm a bit sore from the gym, resetting my metabolism, aching for a lude to let me fall off the wall I'm climbing, frustrated that I woke up thinking "I am going to double the weekly goal this week, and I'm going to get at least 50% credit on every order, so that means my vacation in October won't rape my checkbook the way I thought..." and I'm now here, looking around for my manager, wondering "who the fuck signed me up for this shit??"
I guess I did.
Well, Shit.

Broken

2007-07-09T16:37:00.000-04:00

my phone is broken.

it worked fine this morning, alarm clock going, still had my unchecked voicemail indicator on, let me know what time it was when I left the house... I pulled in the work parking lot and turned the ringer to vibrate and put it back in my purse where it sits every day.

at lunch, I pulled it out to see if I could find out if my partner plans to return to her post only to find it dead.

"well, this is new. usually if it presses a button I show that I'm trying to dial ####00000###00#0##00#0#"

I try the usual tricks, take out the battery, blow off the sim card... resign to standing in line at the local shop where they have no way to test what is wrong and the best affirmation I could get was "electical devices, you never know, but if you want to see the upgraded model over here..."

apparently a 2 year contract comes with absolutely no expectation that the phone might hold out as long as the bills do.

so here I sit, hopeful that somewhere I can find a way to check voicemails and text messages without my trusty sidekick to guide me.
and in the car is my gym bag, to accompany the new healthy lifestyle complete with a full regime of fiber shakes and protein bars and whatever fruit I want to fill out my regular eating schedule... and no iTunes phone to join me on the cruisade toward baggy clothing.

The clencher... Double Dip was over last night and asked me for the umpteenth time "have you ever had any trouble with this phone? I had to switch this one out like 6 times before I gave up and paid for a new phone..."
Damn Murphy's Law and my reply of "nope, never, you ask me that every time..." and I didn't knock on wood.

Vacation Blows

2007-07-06T17:50:00.001-04:00

I've said it before.
My family pisses me off.
I know I said I wouldn't go back, so I was asking for it by adding the home town to the trip.
It was for the grandparents though, and that part went well, and the visit to the cemetary was a highlight, I didn't realize it had been 4.5 years since my mom died until I put my hand on the gravestone.
And the local fruit and veggie chips, that almost made it worth my car falling apart while I'm driving down the highway.
But add on top of the 1300 miles in 4 days "vacation" complete with forgetting the toothbrush and frizzy hair and moving the painters tarp off the bed to go to sleep and watching my 48 year old father not be able to stay awake at 3pm while his 2 daughters sit in front of him at his work that the work place has been nothing but adrenaline inducing crises and clean ups and wondering what actually DID get done while I was away for the 15 work hours I wasn't here. To be thrown to the wolves while both my immediate managers bailed for the majority of the morning yesterday and leave me with no one to ask "huh??" to, on top of the post holiday rush, on top of the rage I was trying to quell from the "vacation"...
Lets put it this way, I've chosen a new hair style based on what I can put together without a blowdryer, brush, comb, or hairspray. Luckily, my coworkers love the funky half wavy tossed up with chopsticks look just as much as my morning schedule hates the 7 minutes it was taking me to actually DO my hair... and the headaches are noticeably subdued without the yank and pull of an actual ponytail or bun.
Its all about the silver lining here folks, stay with me.
So, today, I reconnected as a person with my front desk chick, took 7 orders from companies before 10am, fired 3 people, got 3 people interviews, had a month long fight with red tape give way... been a good productive day, I think I'll have some of the chocolate birthday cake that will be thrown out at the end of the day to celebrate my ability to be an absolute nightmare of complaints and whining and jealousy and anger and indeciciveness at home and a delightful competent coherent and totally professional workaholic at the office!!
Oh, and next week I start the Restart diet with the low glycemic shakes and prefab protein bars and water as the only liquid and all that to see if I can look at my clothes with buttons without cringing anytime before, say, the next shorts-and-tank holiday (or my birthday that I expect to spend between some sheets in Wales)... just as a heads up, its meant to kinda detox and refresh my starting point but in the mean time there may be a bit of extra crankiness.
The beer and wine and vodka hasn't been cheering me up, I figure I can't get much worse than the daily hangover even if I am starving and/or withering away.
Updates as soon as I get 2 more minutes to myself...

Just Because

2007-06-18T19:05:00.000-04:00

All Men. All the Time. On my Mind.
Trouble is, its the same ones - all unavailable for a myriad of totally legit reasons.
That's ok though, gets me thinking thoughts of moving, and travel, and visits, and smiles... daydreams of various insundry interactions in wildly exotic locations like the CA central valley or my couch or his couch...
n.e. way. yeah, I'm all about the daydream at this point - even the view of the freeway has me wondering where all the cars are going and which one I'm going to follow right out of this life.
Its nice to have a distraction from the mundane sales calls, whatever the cause may be.

Anyone else using Febreeze as a daily staple of getting ready in the morning??? It is so bad, I'm waiting for the dry cleaner around the corner to post their hours of operation instead of finding a drycleaner that already has their equipment installed, THAT is how NOT INTO THIS I am these days...

Also a distraction, training my cat to be a dog. She begs, sits, hangs out sitting next to my chair on the back porch (until the rugrats come scretching at her that is)... she can't catch for shit, but I guess its a cat thing and I'm all about behavioral training, not DNA splicing.

Had a beer for breakfast yesterday, and a doughnut for dinner - sometimes I love being a grown up, basically only on weekends, but it was cool Grown-Uped-Ness in my house yesterday. And yes, I threw in some drunk yoga in the mid-day, just for the fun of it.

Went to a club Saturday night. Felt jipped by the cover charge, couldn't understand how so many AC vents still left NO air circulation, and left sober as the day I was born, my hair wet only on the outside from someone else's sweat, jeans soaked from the bottom up in whatever someone spilled on the dance floor... sounds like a typical day-in-the-life of me a few years ago, but this time I came home absolutely disgusted by the whole scene.
OK, see??? Grown up was only cool on SUNDAY, Saturday had me as the cranky older chick in the clothes that covered some part of her staring at her feet with her elbows out protecting her tatas from the rude sots who don't care where they shove, wondering why it looked like people were having sex every time she looked up.
What I had in mind when I suggested we go out for a drink on a Saturday night was grabbing a table at the outdoor patio and the local joint that serves steak during the day and martini's in actual glass with a stem on it - planting myself firmly in a chair somewhat close to the droves of military men focused on the bar, with a glass just close enough to empty to get someone's attention that I might need a new one, then moving my purse from the chair next to me to have the party get bigger... this would all happen before 10pm mind you. After that, its shots with the guys, one in particular on my arm, I'm on his lap in the chair, racing the next chair-pair to the bottom of the pint glass then seeing who can kiss the longest without laughing.

Oh, and did I tell you I daydream A LOT these days?
I did.
OK, moving on... I'd better clean up my desk, the manager's bosses boss is in town tomorrow and he likes to sit next to me. I'm not sure if he's checking my skills to see if I'm groomable for promotion or he just doesn't like the other side of the room or he's figured out that he can turn around in his seat with a peach pit in his hand and I'll pull out my trash bin while he spews sales figures to his conference call... anyway, its an extra stress to have that level of managment sit next to you and no matter how flattering it is, I've still booked myself out of the office for a majority of the day =)
Also, having this side of the office to myself affords many personal luxeries like burping and picking my nose and blogging that I get a little upset when I have to behave because, you know, the work and all, and I get a little resentful when I can't distract myself with personal pursuits.
On that note, off to fill up my inbox to give me plenty to show off with tomorrow!

Yep

2007-06-07T14:39:00.000-04:00

Same shit, different day.

Ready to walk out of my job yesterday, spent a good 1.5 hours in meetings about it, still not sure the reason I'm so frustrated got across.
Awaiting my first commission. It will add less than one days salary pay to my check. Not sure all this work and effort and tears and pain and having my tablespoon of managerial shit jammed down my throat hourly (instead of the daily or weekly of past jobs) is worth the pittance.

Cops have been to my apartment twice this week. Sister may be a bit paranoid about the vato who wanted to watch my TV, but it must have been freaky to come in to say hi and see a shadow outside my window. So long Sunshine, Hello Dark Cave. The first instance was warrented though - we woke up to find our back sliding glass door open 3 feet wide. Since Sister slept on the couch til about 2:30am, it must have happened in the wee hours. Not Cool.
Yes, we have contacted the management company about legalities of breaking the lease if our house is broken into. No, we haven't started packing.

I am obsessed with travel. I want to go to Wales to visit a romantic interest there. I want to see my friends I only know by phone these days. I need a break from the norm and the daydreams and planning give me a distraction.

Partner has been out for basically 3 solid weeks. Manager is dealing with some heavy stuff at home, but is nothing but upbeat and smiles in the office. We get each other, she sees my frustration, but she is under the wing of Boss, so she is kinda stuck - making it very difficult to get anything actually accomplished on the managerial mishaps so we can all start making some money around here. Front Desk is getting snottier by the day - used to be some Sass I left on the chair, but these days she is just a walking ego that doesn't even get the phone half the time, let alone do any work. Canada just demanded get a few more hours a week so she can earn vacation time or she's walking, which would devestate the office because she has been covering the work that Front Desk forgets to get done as her boyfriend sits in the lobby and she is on the phone with her friends.

All in all... putting the dog down has been the least stressful part of whats happening around here?
How YOU doin?

When Asked Directly

2007-05-29T19:22:00.001-04:00

All she said was "hey, did the rest of your weekend turn out ok, I didn't hear from you after Saturday...", and she recieved:

We call Creepy Guy "kindawannastalkya", he is of the family that knocks at the door for 7 minutes and then tries the door and walks in to see if you can hang out. He has a major crush on Jessie and is a little actually-helmet-worthy crazy (or the drugs make him so, he zones out and speaks Samoan to himself even in a room of people!!!).
Yeah, I kicked his foot out of my house and 3 minutes later my doorbell was ringing like there was a fire in the building… when I finally answered the door he goes "can I come in and hang out?" I said "no, I told you, I'm going to bed, this isn't where the party happens, this isn't a place you should consider when looking to hang out, especially at midnight-ish. BYE."
=)
yeah, I let Sister know I'm not to thrilled with how things are working out, took time to clean and organize and get pretty stuff where I can see it (still can't tell what is clean or dirty laundry, but who needs to walk on carpet anyway???), she started understanding its not fun for me to be her tag-along-date and that I don't like the idea that my social life/bar fund will be depleated because she got a car payment and my covering rent means I haven't met any of my financial goals AND I won't be able to afford the bar on my own either! She got it, and got MoneyBags to show up and pay toward her down payment (would have been felony level fraud if she couldn’t get the chick on the phone to pull the check from the deposit bag!), he is so afraid of my threat of physical violence he didn't come into the house even while I was chill'n on the beach, and then last night he got Sister's old car sold so he can give her the REST of the rest of the down payment. All this means is that my savings account stays intact and I can save for my debts/car insurance payment/Wales trip/vacation anywhere instead of hers.
Got invited to play at the gym with Double Dipper (can't figure out what to call him, he's gay or comes off that way from imitating his older brother and Sister doesn't like him because of it, and he keeps asking for both of us to do stuff though only calls and kisses her…), and Sis hasn't invited me to the Valley to pick up the money for the car sale at the restaurant that has sucked 3-6 hours of my life at a time on 4 occasions in the last 2.5 weeks… might get a night alone if I can swing it!!!
Honestly, I'm not used to hanging out so much, no matter how much I want to be married or codependent or intertwined in someone's life – I've still been a single renting a room from strangers for the last few years and there is a lot of autonomy that comes with it. I'm thinking being in the house alone for that time Saturday started the Flo-induce avalanche of dammed up regular ebb and flow of social/independent/social tendencies.

Just can't figure out which fraction of my world to take a grip of and shake heartily to induce change, but you are right to wonder if I'm stable these days ;)
Also, when is your hubbie's next night at The Club? He can drop you at my place and we can play with girlie stuff while he's off being a guy's guy =)=)

Did you see THAT??? All she did was say "hey, how's it hangen?" and I go through a rant about how this three-day wekend I was a total mess of indignation and self pity and then invite her over!!!!!!!!

Chicks are crazy!!!!

Have You Ever...

2007-05-14T20:51:00.000-04:00

looked your boss in the face and said "its because of you and your way of managing this place that I don't like my job"??

I highly recommend it =)

And, I recommend you do it over and over and over until your boss apologizes for having bad habits and being hypocritical in their demands of you and promises to hold themselves to a stringent standard of control when approaching you.

Makes the day go faster when no one bugs you for the last 5 hours of the day =)

Fuck Flo

2007-05-01T13:21:00.000-04:00

Hormonal Tyraid Ahead...
Poor Curmudgeon and the replies he gets to his cute little comments...

oh, you should hear the rest!!!
I hear at lunch, in the hallway while I'm on my cell phone coming back from the ladies room, that I get a new coworker TOMORROW!!!!!
the real beast of it is that my ex-manager/current coworker told me on her way to lunch that she was told THIS MORNING that the new person starting tomorrow isn't her replacement but rather her new direct manager.
yeah.
and, as I have 2 companies expecting people at work today that I knew nothing about when I came in this morning, and I filled those positions, and was in tears to get out of bed (literally hid under the covers from the day) then again in the shower, then tried to suck it up before walking in the door, then in the hallway walking off the venom in my veins for being set up for failure first thing on a Monday morning, I am told -as I'm on a personal call in the hallway - that my boss appreciates what a great professional demeanor I have, the good example I set in the department, that she is sure I'll like the person that will sit next to me tomorrow and enjoys that I've set such a high standard on my side of the office.

Today, on the day I am in the hall in tears trying not to just walk out and go home... in a mis-matched outfit with yesterday's ponytail wave in my unwashed hair and my face looking remarkably like I rushed out of the house looking for an omlette on a hangover morning... today I get told I am appreciated (but not quite enough to be asked if I have a minute, if I'm actually talking on the phone that is at my ear, or to be given more than 18 hrs notice to changes in the chain of command in my office).

no, I'm not cranky, why do you ask??? =)=)

in other news, Sister and I hung all our pictures and set our living room up for actual use this weekend, filled the fridge with yummy nutritious food, and set our minds to being martini drinkers and indulged liberally =) Got a few too many pics of the cat I fear, but she was being noteably cute and nice and we needed documentation of the events =)

As for Shorty, there is a bit of lonliness, but not as much as the relief that I can take a full day off work and get out of town for 17 hours without worrying over her. And, I've got the itch to flee, and being able to fit my baggage in a suitcase when I do get the heck outta here has a certain leivity that I've never felt before. I'm kinda enjoying the freedom to be honest, and the dog will come when I have a life to put one in.
And, the cat comes to the door to greet me when I walk in, and its a reasonable enough substitute =)

how was your weekend?? are you checking blogs at lunch, or a slow Monday afternoon time??

See?? now I know why you guys post so I can't just reply to your email directly - I would NEVER have put all that in a comment box!

2007-04-27T21:11:00.000-04:00

Alright.

It was a very rough week.

If last week brought internal angst resulting in lethargy, this week was the backlash of anger and resentment at all things GROWN UP.

I actually emailed Techie on the work email that I was considering giving my 2 weeks.

DON'T CARE ANYMORE.

My partner is convinced she will be fired next week. She has been convinced of this since I started in this office last summer. She has serious cause to believe it this time, but still, it’s a little annoying to be constantly wondering if she will come back from lunch.

Took Tuesday off to celebrate Sister's bday with her - we didn't leave the house until almost noon, but the absolute luxury of laying about the bed discussing options like Disneyland vs. Universal Studios vs. a picnic on the beach was well worth the verbal bashing for using paid time off. We had a delightful day in the Big City and I would have missed the day's pay to share life experience like that with anyone in my life.

The house is lonely without a 50 pound, 2 foot tall black dog around. Its better because I don't have to watch her walk into walls or fall asleep looking at me or cry at me for pains I can't see or find… but waking up at 5:07 every morning to the fucktard neighbor's car alarm isn't the same when I don't have a dog to curl up with for another hour.

The cat, however, has become decidedly more doglike. She still lofts about, singing her feline song, annoyed when she has no lap to sit on – but, its kinda nice to still trip on a small animal when I walk in the door and have a collar jingle when I call about the house for a mini-hug.
Sister is taking it hard I think. We don't talk feelings in my family, but she went for a cigarette and stopped short to ask "what do I tell the kids when they ask for Shorty?" I said "they don't speak English anyway, just say "no mas Shorty".
Then I had to say it today. They didn't care, they plastered themselves to the sliding glass door and yelled "GATO!! EL GATO!!!!" to ensure my feline friend would be frightened away indefinitely. She doesn't come outside, so we have a new challenge on our hands – kids plastered to the side of my house yelling "GATO!! EL GATO!!!!" for umpteen hours a day =) Lovely.

Delighted to report that PMS is receding, my mood is lifted for the sheer ability for me to verbalize then literally dump my shit onto someone else to sift through with me, I went to the gym for the first time in a MONTH last night, and I left all 3 pies in the work fridge today as I looked for chicken breast strips and apples to snack on. =)

Rough. Its been decidedly rough. BIG CHANGE kinda rough.

But guess what else happened? I looked my boss in the face today and said "We hear you. We don't like this either. Let us get back to trying to fix it because we've discussed everything this meeting was called for" and we were back at our desks within the MINUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its not that I need to be able to manage my manager, but effective communication in the workplace is key, is it not?? =)=)

Off to clean house to loud music, get that butt-dent in my couch solidified, and get some light beer back in the house to facilitate both of these =) Oh, and gym classes and working on work without the phone ringing is on the list as well, but secondary to the nesting!

If This is Monday...

2007-04-23T20:11:00.001-04:00

It is no secret I am a huge fan of Mondays, when they are compared to Tuesdays.
That said, I'll be out tomorrow...
Got repeated and not even originally misdirected blame in the form of flack from the boss for asking for my sister's bday off, but I don't care.
Boss started with "um, we are kinda behind..." and ended with "you were out last week (it was 2 weeks ago, on my death bed, calling in feverish every 2 hours, and she royally fucked my rotation and we still haven't recovered from her meddling), and taking time this week, you don't want corporate to ask why you are taking all this time off so close to your start date..."
To that, I literally bit my tongue (I think she saw me wince), and internally fume "bite my ass as I walk out the door, and you better hope, after talking to me like the company doesn't gift me nearly a full work day of paid time off every 2 weeks, that I come back on Wednesday, or at all."

Yes, I am achingly close to being over the edge... bitter, full of contempt, apathetic, not even self loathing as much as overtly realistic (which, for those of us with brain cells, translates to pessimistic), and the worst of it is I am feeding the negative - onion rings, ice cream, fish and chips at every chance, and my parents spent so much damn money on this smile and I haven't used it in weeks.
Mostly, I am too afraid to feel anything, even returning a smile at a kid passing my window, because it might lead to feeling the rage and hurt and anger and betrayal and and and and that is lurking under my every breath.

So yeah, to have my manager try to fix our department by sitting next to me for an hour today, to have me taking my breaks sitting in the hallway to avoid the aura of misconduct in my office, to hide in the bathroom and breath through the imminent tears, to have weekend after weekend be more stress than my overbearing and intensly draining day job, and then be told that I should reconsider taking time off that the company is paying me to have the opportunity for??? Lets just say I don't give a flying fuck's left nut if I look like a slacker to corporate for deciding to take my paid time off, and her implication that I am making an unwise choice (as she flaunts to the office that I am not the same old Sassy and wants me to explain what my matter is) isn't sitting well here at the end of the day.

Oh, in case you thought the fix would be as easy as a career jolt, Sexy called last night. And texted today. And he wasn't drunk this time. And it was nice to have someone ask what I thought about something without having to stand tall as I steady myself to bear the brunt of "yeah, but's" until the sun goes down.
Barfly was a total duche and I'm bored with him before I even had a chance to get his shirt off.
The thought of getting a passport and traveling to a small town in Wales is about all consuming at this point.
I slept on my new couch on Saturday night because I couldn't look at the bedspread stained with Shorty footprints so I didn't go in my room - and even when I made it in there last night I made Sister come watch TV with me.
The cat is cute, but its not the same.
And holding your 13 year old, always at your feet dog while the chick misses veins with the death juice isn't a memory you need flooding you when you try to get into your PJs.

Its quit'n time, and there is no way for me to know if the calls I've planned for Wednesday are going to be productive or a waste of time until I start calling down the list, so I'm going to see if I can avoid the beer long enough to change into gym clothes and get something positive running through my veins in a timely manner... even the gym has a negative connotation in the mood I'm in though, and no amount of distraction is taking away the intense omnipresense of "this is not working, you must change the core of your existence or be irreperably damaged".

My Training Day

2007-04-18T13:22:00.000-04:00

The training went well.
One of the top 100 women in business for the metro area surrounding my company's headquarters had nothing but compliments for me, down to my makeup. She thought we knew each other. She kept looking at me for the nod of acknowledgement, and smiled when I gave it to her. Even whispered a "thank you for that constructive input" after the specialized/small group training.
And then...
At the end of the day I tallied my points for the work we were supposed to accomplish and came in with the top points =)=)
So, not only did she think we knew each other, and turned into a bobbing head doll when I started my sales schpeel, but now she knows me as the one who either did the most work or is able to keep track of the work the best of the 25 people doing my job in the area =).
Right, and that makes my bosses boss so happy I think I actually heard a squeel =)
And when I bragged to Boss about it, she said "girl!!! just look at you showing off!! Now I'll go in there and blow it and my boss will say "at least you hire well, look what Sassy did!!" and I'll have to remind her that I hired you while I wipe the egg off my face."
My SassyAss reply: "well, you're a manager so you get a few specialized meetings, that means smaller groups to blow it in so they are sure to remember its you!"
Yeah, that got her off the phone pretty quick.
Whatever, I've done a stellar job every time Bosses Boss can check up on me and that makes me feel a lot better about shoveling the petty shit under the rug.

How was your Tuesday??
Catch that?? Tuesday?? The day that is typically shitty for me??
I didn't mention that I was in the car driving to the training office at 6:45am, that I had 20 hours notice that I would be required to be 40 miles away, or that I had to call to move the appointment to put my dog down because of the lack of notice, and that I didn't get back to the house until 8:30pm last night... all that little stuff doesn't make as much difference as knowing that Bosses Boss KNEW I didn't have any warning about the meeting, KNEW that Boss was out yesterday and I didn't get the list of requirements until 3pm when everyone else got them Thursday, and gave me a DVD to celebrate my day's accomplishments while I graciously accepted my praise from HER boss, one of the sharpest women I've had the pleasure of meeting in my entire life (no small feat, as I've actually been around non-white-trash people, even in her metro area, that had my coworkers peeing their pants at their awsomeness).

Right, I'm done bragging about how I'm getting bigger than the little stuff and can show off on no sleep and early rising with little to no prep enough to at least ensure I'm not on the chopping block this week.
So, again, how was your Tuesday?

Weekend Update

2007-04-16T13:45:00.000-04:00

Blatently copied from an email reply I sent out this morning, names changed to protect the innocent, sentances enhanced to boast about the wicked...

So, since I have to work soon, the recap is that Pupster is on a bunch of steroids so she is comfortable and lucid until I can convince Sister that I am tortured to see her and we have to put her down like I wanted to at the vet Saturday morning, Dad is buying us many meals in the name of Sister's bday and refuses to treat me like anything but a common street rat as exemplified by trying to tell me he planned on spending $300 on us and then waving $1000 cash in the furniture store and giving me shit for not running right to his side over it (then making me beg for it, as its in his hand and the sales guy is wetting his pants to get a peice of it), I've made a new friend in a youngen we will call Barfly though I was too tired to bring him home Friday night and our schedules haven't meshed enough to see if he can knock a smile on my face, hung out with my part time receptionist who is married to a Navy man who liked us enough to ask for recruiting tips for guys to bring to the backyard bbq this Saturday, I'm desperately awaiting details on when my suiter from the other side of the globe and wishing he could be here this weekend to cuddle me on my new couch and make my heart stop turning to stone, and seriously distracted with thoughts of when he will be coming to see if I should take advantage of this fuck buddy or a Navy guy or wait for a Master's Degree'd witty hard body to throw bills to the wind and fly over oceans for me.
Boss is at jury duty, partner is MIA this morning, and just received word I'll be in training tomorrow in an office 40 miles away for the entirety of tomorrow... not like I have family in town or a dog to euthinize and could have used a little fucking warning about my week's schedule... can't even tell you how much I need like a 2 week vacation at this point, I am SO over this!!!! Love the benifits I haven't used and 401K raping my income and still being able to throw $200 at Costco for food and stuff, but I HAD PLANS FOR TUESDAY and a little warning would have been LOVELY, could have put together the preplanning needed for a full day of corporate training materials sometime BESIDES the bulk of my Monday work day...
as if; its so quiet around here its creepy, and I have been venting to you all morning!!
time to earn my keep, I'll check in later =)

The Haps

2007-04-11T14:53:00.000-04:00

I really have been thinking of my blog.
Honestly, every time something chaotic or hilarious or down right morally wrong happens, the first thing I want to do is post about it and get some sense of power from the fact that I'm not the only poor schmuck who takes a job and gets the whole department reorganized on them basically weekly; that I'm not the only Sassy summumabitch who can't for the life of her get a piece of ass; not the only sales person on the block who somehow can't close a DOOR let alone an account; not the only proud mama who looks at her pup and wonders if this is one of the moments she is lucid or if she can even see me sitting in front of her (vet appt set for Saturday, MOT, I'll take pics in case her shallow breathing is from pain and not great dreams); I need some assurance that I'm not the only stubborn sot on the block who isn't at all happy that Dad wants to stop by my house and buy me a new couch to sit on, if for nothing else than I KNOW he has been too chicken shit to ask Sister and I to come up in TWO WEEKS and will try the guilt angle once he's moved in the furniture I've saved up to buy on my own; I need to know if its my version of a mid life crisis that I refuse to unpack my personal effects and have boxes as nightstands and can only think of when I can get time off approved to take vacations this year; I really want to hear that I'm not the only one who was in bed for 3 days with a hell of a chest cold, and that I'm not totally crazy for wanting to get to the office to keep the tally marks adding up to ensure THIS MONTH starts the commissions rolling in.

All this, and I hate to see my StatMeter emails reporting that my silent fans have stopped checking in. =( Its so bad, I've started opening Word docs to get the goods in some format to post, and I have a list of half completed thoughts in my file that are so old, I don't even remember what the point was.

Honestly, if I didn't have to buy a few business suits to go with this new job (told you things are changing, didn't I??!?!), and if I wasn't concerned about the monster vet bill taking my savings I had earmarked for furniture and vacations and Sister's bday celebration, I would certainly incur the monthly cost of internet access at home to better satisfy my lust for social contact. In the mean time, know that even with me at the desk for some 10-12 hours a day, I still can only DREAM of checking in with my blogworld, and I miss you terribly.
ttys,

This Monday, We Have...

2007-03-19T21:58:00.000-04:00

Very stressed few hours on this side of the world - I'll copy what I sent another friend as an example of my attitude going to bed last night and starting today -

My car needs some help.
I sent a text to 10 people in my area asking for a body shop.
One of the people on the list has a wife.
I spent the entire evening glad my phone freaks out and doesn't like to ring when I set it to LOUD.

I get it. Always getting the call at the wrong time. Now I see your point in full glory.
Thank you for saving us both from the opportunity for me to get us in a sticky, icky, somewhat psycho situation.

However, I stand by my romantic ideal that there would be no reason to steal my man's phone and call some chick to leave rude messages and text long into the night because he got a text asking for a body shop in the area.
It's silly, I know, to hold on to this idea, but aren't I cute the way I like to stay naïve?

Happy Monday!!! My partner called at 7:25am to tell me she is on vacation for this week, maybe next week too - I was set to walk in at 7:30am and caught her with a box of stuff in her arms in the parking lot, but her personal pics are on her desk so we'll see; my front bumper doesn't like the speed bumps in my neighborhood, flapping all over the place, and I got a parking ticket that I am freakishly afraid I might forget to pay and get a warrent issued without my knowing it [inside joke with the recipient, deal with it]; my house finally isn't covered in cardboard boxes, but I was up a little too late to be able to wake up to a HOME; and I am plagued with thoughts of "do all this work" mixed in with "how can I tell this freak that I honestly don't want her husband, that I didn't mean to proposition him, that I really just need a body shop and she can stop wiggen out" splashed with a little "where are all the snacks cuz I forgot my lunch in the fridge, right next to my breakfast…"

How was your weekend? Its been grey for a few days now, makes me think winter thoughts, and that makes me wonder how quickly I can get to Big Bear and learn how to strap on some snow boots, which somehow gets me jealous that you always have tentative plans to go boarding =)

Better get to work… hoping you are having some fun this morning, really hoping you can tell me about it =)

This was sent to Techie who I got to chat with for about 30 minutes last week. He sounded worn out but comfortable in his ick... I am not at all comfortable in my ick and have a hard time NOT running for the hills on a minute by minute basis. The shitty part is, I happen to be really really good at what I'm doing in this job, and my boss can't stop saying great things about me, and I kicked ass at work today, and now that my house is kinda set up to live in, I feel ok being in the office for 12 hours a day again (like I was when I was offered this position).

I remember, about 3 months ago, a long day... followed by longer days, followed by What the Fuck days, followed by Who Thinks This Is Funny Cuz I Sure the Fuck Don't days...

Must complete a few more things in the next 15 minutes. Off to storm the castle...

Alright, I Know

2007-03-08T22:34:00.000-05:00

Everyone hates the whirlwind reports, I GET IT.
But oh my fuck it is nothing BUT whirlwind around here!!!

Today alone:
-I got news from Asshat that left us evicted that he hasn't forgotten he flat out stole money and has promised to give it back, but he has had his paycheck held in the office for whatever reason.
- Spaz replied to my "why the fuck am I paying a parking ticket for my sister for the day I told her to move her car? she says you moved your car into my safe spot and didn't tell her where else to put her car, you didn't refund my deposit, you owe me money, please pay up or fess up to why you are such a duche" with "I got a parking ticket that month too, just happens, kinda wish I could help you but I wish I would have moved out and let you have this place because Asshat bailed to the next state and I had to cover the whole rent myself and the other place would have meant a cut in the 1st dues, how is Pupster by the way?"
- The coworker that got the job I now have in September instead of me is transfering to the next over office. Same one that tore me a new one telling me she couldn't work next to my sour attitude, then says the ONLY reason she is leaving is that the other office is closer to her house. WHATEVER, you can't make money out here and you think I dispise my life and can't handle sitting next to it, even though you smile at me 403874 times a day and I start half of the smile chains in this office.
- Had the boss all up on my desk, listening to half my calls, training after every one, grooming me to be BAD ASS at this job. I was am in this chair for the 12th hour straight (pee breaks and chowing Taco Bell for 7 minutes in the back isn't worthy of counting as time off).
- Can't get contact with the temp agency I worked with for 6 months last year, really have no idea how to get a hold of my tax forms so I can file, really really getting pissed off since I know they have business in the area and their phone numbers and websites don't work AT ALL.
- Sister and I didn't carpool this morning for the first time in 2 weeks. I got a text saying her Married B/F might come out to visit tonight (I was told at 2pm, our "I need to watch Grey's Anatomy, can I come watch your cable TV" friend found out at 8am)... got another text at 6pm saying "He's Here!!" like I should like it, then the only reply I got out of the 6 messages I sent her today was in regard to when I might be stopping by the house... No Judgements, but AAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! He lives an hour away and only wanted to date her since the MINUTE she said she wouldn't live around the corner from him anymore!!!! And doesn't follow through on any of his promises (couch, TV, dinner... but calling her 5 times per work shift to make sure she is too busy to go meet AVAILABLE guys?? ALL over that).
- Got a wink from the guy I work with. He is married. He is great. He helped us move, is a hard worker, very easy to get along with, I know he is a dog at heart because he's told me so... and I know the girl he was trying to date turned him down hard recently. And today I was on my game and he was on his game and I got a wink across the office. I smiled and commented at how well the day was going, but AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH.
- Have the pup pouting at me in the mornings and its killing me. I don't know how to satisfy her because I can't let her meander the way we used to in this neighborhood. Plus its cold cold cold when the wind picks up, and I am spending 12 hrs a day at work, and I get bored waiting for her to sniff every leaf of every ivy bank in the apartment complex (every side of every one of the 20 buildings). She is doing better now that we have unpacked and made some room in the place, and having the cat in the house seems to be helping a lot too, and her haircut this week has given her all new reason to want to be out and showing off... but still, I need to be active and so does she and she pouts at me in the mornings and it hurts.
- I did a "this is the true you" chainmail questionaire for distraction tonight and Sexy ended up on the list linked to "twin soul". With every female I know having sleep overs this week, I'm feeling left out. He is, I think, taken, but I am suddenly craving his style and know he's a dog and if I catch him on the right day I can take serious advantage of him... and am not sure if I can be selfish like that, but the same test said I picked "selfish" as the adjective for what I look for in a mate - here lies the bitch of it all.
- I didn't sleep much last night. Or any time in the last few weeks actually. Part of it is the pooch not understanding we have established that NOTHING exciting is happening outside at 1am or 4am... part of it is the brick I know call the muscle patch between my shoulder blades and neck, part of it is the sheer stress of it all I'm sure.
- Diet going well. Forgetting to eat isn't technically called a diet though, so I guess the cutting of calorie intake is going well. I am still ending the day with a drink and know that is the source of the beer belly but really don't give a rats ass at this point (until I think of calling Sexy or some likeness to him anyway). Being hungry and not realizing it sucks though - blinding headaches that don't go away, quivering digits trying to type, weak thought processes and legs when trying to navigate to the bathroom... all not things I want on a regular basis that I've dealt with...
TODAY.

I am not shitting you. This is all stuff I did TODAY. And I'm not even done yet. I'm going to crash my sister's love shack (aka my house) to change out of these work clothes that I didn't Febreeze enough to make through the 13.5 hours I've been in them now, stop by the bbq place for some chow and go next door for mexican for my friend cuz she doesn't do hawaiian food, sit and try to watch my favorite show while she macks on her little new boy toy, and HOPE I can get through to my sister on the way home so I can get let into the gated parking and not have to hoof it up the street to get into my own place. I don't know what her Married told the wife and kids, but I do know they are set to leave the country for a while in the near future and they have BOTH asked me what I think about him staying with us while he has no accountability.
My comeback was rediculously awsome - something like "I don't care who he is Sister, I care that we are unpacking these boxes and every time we find a picture of you with a guy you really liked he was with someone else before you and you knew it the entire time you were in love with him. I can't tell you that you can't have anyone here, but could you please let me unpack my work shoes and a pan to cook dinner in and ask me if I like living here before you ask me if we can add a roommate?" - but honestly, if I don't leave now, I might very well sleep here in these rank clothes and thats not good on SO many levels.

Check in with me MOT, C, Vince, Shoes, April, Laurie, Awsome Chick I Can't Ever Remember The Name Of But Love to Read About Who is Also On MOT's Blogroll... I miss my email life and swear that as soon as we see what an electric bill looks like in this place, it is a tossup between a gym membership and cable/internet bill.
I'm not gone, just too busy and too watched over right now is all.
Keep me sane. Keep me social. Muah!

Catching My Breath

2007-02-19T23:54:00.000-05:00

If you thought last week I had a lot of big news in a few bullets, get yourself a bungee cord to strap yourself in with because Wholly Fuck this week was something else.

Even for me.

1) I came home Thursday night to a For Rent sign on my house.

Yes, the house I JUST moved the LAST box into WEDNESDAY.

The.Very.Next.Day, after wearing a big ol' shit eat'n grin all fuckin' day on Thursday because He and I talked and it was cool and Sexy and I were chill buds on Sunday and Sister and I were moved in our new place and the sun was out and the pup was sleeping off the week of moving and blah bullshit blah, I come home to Sister in a state of psychosis between breakdown and breakstuff.

Whatever. That is SOOOOO, like, last week. Asshat roomie guy moved the last of his shit out on the last day rent was due, called the landlord and said "ok, this is my last month's rent, next month is all you - I have this chick interested in renting the place...".

You heard me.

Sister and I spent a total of 10 hours driving around the county checking out places to live this weekend, got an appointment to see a few, fell in love with this apartment that is so close to work that I can see if the lights are on in my office if I stand on the roof (oh, and its affordable, just got new carpet and linolium flooring and stove and fridge and paint, and the only wall we share with any other neighbor is the ceiling (and that saying "I before E except after C or when it says ahe as in neighbor and weigh just TOTALLY helped me out of a spell check, thank you so much PHONICS) and the dog is invited to the lush gardnered lawns and the carport right outside the kitchen window and the on site laundry, gym, pool, and jacuzzi - and we don't give a FUCK that we may very well be the ONLY white chicks in the entire complex (20 buildings, some 3 stories high, at least 200 apartments) - we've already made friends with our neighbors and thats all you need in vatoville, right??), which is great since there is a shitload of construction at the end of the block and it might just be easier to tote the cute shoes in the purse and hoof it to the office considering how many people have to use the detour that will be right outside my clicker-operated-only fenced driveway.

--- don't hate, appreciate, the stylings of that rambling clusterfuck of all the info you know you needed to know about my place. I am the tangent queen, and no one in my real life lets me talk like this.

2) I met my goals at work last week. I needed to shake so many hands and get my voice heard by the right people so many times EVERY WEEK for the last MONTH and LAST WEEK, as I was fagged out from super happiness followed by eviction followed by lease signing and lunch breaks and leaving on time... I met my goals!!!!
Know what I got????
nut'n.
It came to Friday at the end of the day, the part of the day when the dry erasers come out and we look at what we did and what we have left to do and as third in line to the board I found myself staring at BLANK WHITE when I got there and a whole new week's set of goals being scribbled up.
I said "hey, guess what I did?? I MET MY GOALS!"
reply - "hey. so did that other thing shore up for this week, or is it still up in the air?"
so I looked the other way and said "HEY, I met my goals this week for the first time!"
reply - "I didn't even run my numbers because I met mine at like 2pm."
aAHHHHRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHLLRRRGGGGHHHH.
"Hey, boss, I met my goals this week and it was the first time I've met both goals!! =)=)=)"
reply "HEY! THERE YA GO!!!! Look at you work'n your thang!! See??!?! Alright, thats alright, you just come in and go to work and see what happens!!?!? Thats just great!!"

This week - don't give a FUCK, and wanna take off a day or two to move and have a vacation. Maybe because I've been living out of boxes for, um, 3 weeks now... not sure.

3) Sister got a job. A real job with real money that takes up 40 hrs a week!!! The one she had here would have been part time, but they were slow on the uptake (well, she was gonna take over for someone who thought "do you want a job?" meant "do you want to take time off your new job to go on job interviews and get hired away in 2 weeks so we have to waste time training you and then your replacement?") and Sister was in Go Mode and got us a place to check out on the same day she got a job in my building =)=)
Carpooling in California feels good, can I just tell you???

4) I got picked up in a bar this weekend by a GAGGLE of military brats on a drunken Friday night. I spent the night making out with the smartest/oldest/most accomplished/ most bold of the bunch. I kept my pants on. And my shirt on. And so did he. And we made out like we were in high school (if I'd have gotten drunk on Jager shots in HS anyway) and it was FUN. Sister was there, we played "who of the 10 of us can't stand up on their own?" for a good 4 hours, woke up taking shots to curb the hangover, went to the grocery store for grub that we devoured in about 12 minutes before passing out in piles in front of the TV... and we don't have any phone numbers or random callers to linger with.

I stuck to my resolution of not being used for sex, I stuck to my resolution of not thinking every guy that takes and interest in me is worth a serious chunk of my time, and I let guys buy my drinks ALL NIGHT for TWO NIGHTS and then Sister and I locked eyes, nodded toward the door, excused ourselves for a smoke break (she still smokes, I can't handle second hand), and walked our tipsy asses home on the beachfront path we live on until this weekend. =)

Somewhere along the line we realized that we slept away and drank away the weekend, so this morning was a bitter awakening, but it was FUN to PLAY like a GROWN UP, and we suddenly reverted to three year olds who get tossed into the pool with the floaties catching us - our catch phrase by last night was "do it again??? do in again!!!!"

4) I cleaned out my address book the other day. I saw the names of the Lamers I've dismissed (but didn't want to accidentally answer their calls so I leave their numbers just in case), the old coworkers and roomates I've left in the wake of this Ventura County traversing, the friends from Northern California that sometimes forward me "friendship is forever" emails but have no idea what my life is about, the restaurants I used to order To Go's from that are now on the wrong side of the county instead of at the end of the block.

Maybe the timing was a bit off, but it solidified my nomadic existence and had me understanding why people travel in packs.
Work doesn't count.
Email friends are a bandaid.
I need to stop moving and stop being driven by nothing but career success and get myself a life before I forget how to, say, be nice to barflys and end up like :shudder::puke: Spaz - a loner with a dog.

5) Sister and I are still sharing a bed, still sharing shoes, still stepping over each other to see what kind of lipstick the other has in her magic bag of paints... its like she is visiting, but this time we get to pick the movies and dinners together. Surely this will get old, but Trainee commented last week that "at least [we] have each other, could you imagine if you didn't have a sister to do this with? I mean this is some shitty situation, actually quite a few fucked up situations, but you have your sister right there to help you through it. It sucks, but at least you don't have to do it alone." Sister and I are both impressed at how far we've come, considering this time last year we weren't speaking to each other, and we just curl up with the pillows and the pup every night and hope when we wake up we are closer to having a real life to share instead of a survival existance.

Its 9:30pm on a Monday night. I left the office at 5:10pm, went home to play with the dog and start laundry and cook a fantabulous dinner and chill with a beer and the TV and before rolling over to suck down the rest of a 6 pack and slobber myself to sleep, I decided to suck it up, come into the office, plot my course for all my hand shaken tomorrow, and leave an update for you, my drama lapper uppers.

If I can sit up for another 20 minutes, I'll comment on your blog - if I don't, call Techie for me and see if there is a way he can personally replace the keyboard I have surely smacked hard enough with my forehead of coma sleep to warrent a house call and equipment replacement. =)

The Haps

2007-02-07T15:28:00.000-05:00

SO much stuff has been happening that I can have a computer that gets online at home and STILL not check in!!!

1 - I moved. Sister moved. She is getting the last of the kitchen stuff moved today. We have a place. It is AWSOME. Pics to come if I can remember and be awake and home during daylight hours.

2 - Job is going. Training and coaching daily has me understanding how to work the system to get what I need (like a goal met so I don't feel like the day has been wasted every day).

3 - Diet is shot to hell. I, therefore, feel like a bit of hell is dragging behind me. Working on it, but the beer was SO CHEAP for the Super Bowl so I HAD to get the big case and then moving and unpacking seems such a chore without a frosty brew at every corner... anyway, I'll get back into a schedule one of these days, but until then, know that I sleep in a drunken stupor and that makes my mornings nearly unbearable.

4 - I miss my online friends. Even just reading blogs. Makes a random call from Him that much more satisfying. Haven't talked in about 5 months, then a half hour catch up session. I'm not a mess... actually, I'm pretty impressed at how easy it was to just say hi. No promises about any follow up, but it made me feel like less of a loner - and a little awsome that he remembers me fondly enough to call and be civil and enjoy conversing with me. I.Am.That.Fucking.Cool. And I regret not being able to share this with you often enough.

5 - I had the bartender kick a guy out last night because I wasn't enjoying his company. My boss has my sister coming in to be our temp receptionist part time, starting tomorrow. The calls I was making yesterday had me realizing I actually do get people eating out of the palm of my hand as they wrap themselves around my little finger in about the first 10 seconds of chat. Somehow feeling that the pangs of hard work are coming to fruition... off to shake hands and see if I can be referred to as "so charming we just don't want you to leave our office!" EVERY day this week =)

Its Finally Happening

2007-01-28T17:23:00.000-05:00

After a long, late night, alcohol induced conversation with Sister late this week, I got a call Saturday morning that said "I can appreciate that what I was trying to do for you, get you out of your living situation ASAP, is what you have been working to do for me. I also understand your financial position and am thankful that you are able and willing to make sure that I have a place to live and the rent will be covered for February, no matter which day I move in. I see your point about it being more stressful to move in these trying weeks at your job, if for nothing else that you know where all your stuff is, even if you are being yelled at by Brut just for being awake. Thank you Sister for looking out for me and explaining that we were both trying to protect each other. Are you sure you won't have to live there for more than a few weeks? Yes? OK. The reason I called is to tell you that last week I told my manager that I wouldn't be moving and that he could leave me on the schedule past 1/31, but last night I told him that I am moving next weekend and that my last shift will be 2/2. If you could plan on helping me move in on that side of things, I'll find help to load the truck on this side of things, and we'll just move your stuff over in bits until the guy moves out. Perhaps we'll be friends with the guys next door by then and not even have to rent a truck!"

Did you get all that??? My sister was letting her fear of changing her life (she admitted it, I'm not pulling this out of my ass) be overshadowed by her caring for me and my living situation. It was only after I pointed out that we committed to paying for 2 bedrooms of rent and that her living sitch has been shit far longer than mine that she conceded to move as planned.
How fucking sweet is that???
This from the same Sister who, this time last year, wasn't returning my phone calls for a month. This from the same Sister who, this time two years ago, was generous enough to save me a cell phone surcharge the month I declared bankruptcy, only to take the money I was sending her and NOT get the bill paid on time and leave me excommunicated for about 2 weeks of every 2 months - a mere 6 months after shipping out from my home town and finding it tough to set up shop in a new town.
And now I get a call nearly daily just to see if I've thrown my shoe at anyone's head today?? I get someone willing to try to grow like a dandelion through concrete in order to facilitate a better life for me?????
Are you catching this?
The best part is that she has swallowed her fear and loving protection of me and committed to moving next weekend!!!! While this surely has the ingredients for a make or break situation, I'm liking our jumping off point and beg for your whole hearted happy thoughts on this one... we are both excited about living on this street, in this neighborhood, the layout of the house, the garage space, the lack of freakish roommates to learn, the ability to cook a meal fit for queens and polish off a batch of home made cookies and not care who's turn it is to do the dishes. Our family has a lot of skeletons in our closets, but we hide our love for each other there too, so stay tuned for what I come up with when I delve into my darkest corners with my sister's hand as my tether to the real world - you never know what you might find on such a trek, and I don't mind saying that I've been avoiding things much longer than she has and harbor a tremendous fear of these unknown things - and continue to give her shit about her unreasonable frights anyway.
We are sisters, after all, and what good is all the good without a little bad for comparison?

I See The Light

2007-01-24T13:10:00.000-05:00

WAY too little time to go into it, but I have seen the light at the end of the Spaz tunnel and I am working diligently to make gains to reach it - there is just a little resistance and some necessary time delays, but I have reason to believe that life is getting a whole lot sweeter in the very near future =)

Job changed this month, home will change for the 2nd time in 6 months in the next few weeks - I don't know how NOT to make it off the charts for that standardized stress meter, but some people are built for strength I guess; I've always been 'stalky' or 'solid', but suddenly I'm enjoying the dichotomy of the straight skirt and 3.5" heels and perfectly curved calves and the quads that have me leg pressing more than my body weight =) All that lower body strength matched with the learned grace are making these trying tides of change MUCH easier to wade through ;)

Do You...

2007-01-22T20:33:00.000-05:00

Have a shotgun?

Can I borrow it??

How about mace? I should probably get some anyway, just in case I would remember it on the late night walks...

I was told I should be more stressed this morning - that it should feel like I'm running with my hair in fire - from a person who loves her job so much she hoovered a ham and cheese (the plastic yellow kind) croissant (I was given TOTAL shit for not wanting it, the defense being "its got protein in it, what?? you don't want it - fine, yours you can rip the croissant OFF") and followed up with pulling out the pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream by 11am.
Monday Morning at 11am I had a pint eater on one side and a compulsive mini chocolate eater on the other - I sat with my tummy of 2oz of clean protein and 1/2 a peach and big cup of water and visualized the fat rolling off me and up their legs and into their hips...
And kept my damn mouth shut about how maybe, just maybe, on my first try at doing this job that I didn't get any training on (its a 3 part cycle, I didn't get to read this part of the training manual and there is a very "fake it til you make it" mentality that permiates this, well, I want to say HELLHOLE, but that may be premature), I should be given a little credit for NOT freaking the FUCK out and hanging up on someone's answering machine mid message because some chick who interviewed last week wants to know if she got the job and that means I have to stop everything and call this company 20 minutes before planned to answer her questions for her.

Hmmmm... I sit drinking water and planning my work and diligently working my plan, and am surrounded by people cramming their faces with sugar early in the day (and I started my period TODAY, check my willpower, you can borrow some later this week when I'm done with it!) who tell me I'm doing it, well, kinda WRONG because I'm not a total freakazoid????
Somehow I feel qualified for this job, but I guess its only the first day and having my job description change twice TODAY might prove to me otherwise...

Happily writing my shopping list for the stop on the way home to fill fridge I scrubbed out this weekend and cook a mighty fine meal to take to my freshly scrubbed bedroom (I picked up the folded Tshirt I wore for PJs from the Thanksgiving trip unpacking spree... its has been THAT long since I've really cleaned my room, I was NOT kidding when I said I was in a funk) to hibernate in for the evening with my space heater and dog...

Just for Shits and Giggles

2007-01-18T15:51:00.000-05:00

Remember that omlette and fruit I had the other day, that had me so full I didn't even want to eat the muffin until 4pm??
Yeah, I'm not saying it was THAT, or the driving around town all afternoon in a new truck with a new driver (I like the idea of visiting people I want to do business with, but jumping in a truck with a coworker for 3.5 hours is kinda icked my wow on it), or Spaz working my last nerve with the "you still owe me the rest of the deposit I put down 2+ years ago so I come out even, and I hope I called this guy early enough so I still have a place to go, sign this peice of binder paper saying you owe me money", or maybe just maybe it was coming back to the office that somehow smells of rank BO at almost all times (menapuase is a BITCH, and it will make ypu smell like a man, FYI), or perhaps that it was windy yesterday and after being a passenger in a car all day I just couldn't take the building swaying on me... add to all that the late night (company standard to stay until 7pm once a month) and you get One.Sicky.Sassy.

I was up most of Tuesday night with sharp stabbing pains in my stomach, this after 1/2 a bowl of soup broth and a walk around the block with Pupster (kinda bad when you have the chills and like the chill on your face, no?), was passed out by 8:15pm, woke up at 2am with a crazy trip to the bathroom that had me in another bought of "ok, lets try sitting up a bit, maybe leaning against the wall, or maybe laying down on my side? no, nope, ok, well, how about wrapped around a pillow??" for 1.5 hours before I passed out again.
Even with all this, I tried to go to work yesterday - called in 3 times before I gave up, got myself some Ginger Ale and some chicken noodle soup and some dinner rolls and a yogurt for the sweet tooth, and hunkered in for the day.

I can honestly say, its not a fun as it sounds to sleep through a Wednesday =(=(

The one bonus is that I had time to sign the lease and get it to the property management company!!! No excuses from Spaz now, as I've made it clear that I will not be handing her any more money to move out with (she wants her full deposit back, the one she left on the place 2+ years ago!!!), and Sister and I have nailed down next weekend for a move date, so Spaz can figure out how to delay this further while 3 of us need the same shower every morning before work ;)
Oh, and I moved SweetPea's food dish to my room - lets see how quickly I don't have to blame her waistline on the medication when her kibble quits being covered in canola oil and sprinkled with cheddar cheese and pepperoni (cuz, you know, "its not fair to give it to one dog without giving it to the other". GGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRR).
The power WILL be mine, and who cares if I have to take a day off work to fight off food poisoning symptoms?

OH, a big heads up to anyone I converse with about actually visiting - I really hate hearing people eat. Please, keep eating to specific times, preferably when I will be eating with you and can be distracted by the sounds of my own mastication, and if you really really must have food next to you through the entire day and put something in your mouth every 5 minutes, maybe make it something you can wrap your mouth around (preferably squishy or pudding like that you don't even have to chew), and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD do NOT think that you are a master time stacker because you take a bite while waiting for someone to pick up the other end of the phone call you just dialed - this will surely anger the receptionist you are trying to get to give you the name of the person we want to do business with; first you assume she will suck at her job and take 5 rings to pick up, then you waste her time telling her how funny you think it is to not be ready for her to answer the phone and ask her to let you finish chewing so you can beg her company for business.
Just Say'n, maybe lets get the manners back on the table, and I'll keep all of you apprised of any further pet peeves that pop up =)

Spaz Update

2007-01-16T14:49:00.000-05:00

Have you ever come to work, been chastized for being 20 minutes early, then go to a breakfast meeting 3 miles away but take 45 minutes to get there because your driver didn't look up WHERE the restaurant is, then spend 2 hours eating and talking to get bystander-anxiety on the way back to the office only to find out its lunch time and you had plans to take the lease you was told was "your copy" 8 days ago to the property management company and ask them a few questions (like 'thank you for paying for a gardener, everything in the yard is dead, will you reimburse me for grass seed and some bushes or should I just tell you that your gardener needs to bring these on his next visit?' and 'I need a walkthrough to see what you would give me TODAY as a return on the deposit, because I know the origional lease holder will be leaving soon and she is asking that I pay her what she paid to get into the place and I happen to know from experience NEVER to expect a full deposit back, so I want her expectations of what I will be paying out of pocket to be realistic') but you HAVE to get your goals met for the week and being out of the office for the first 3 hours of the day isn't lending you the opportunity to bail for an hour???
Has this ever happened to you on the same day you are asked to write a $600 dollar check to someone before they will sign a lease they already signed or they won't follow through with the moving out that they initiated?? I know it sounds silly, but I thought it was totally reasonable for me to meet the people who will be responsible for evicting me, and somehow this psycho is telling me that she will "just take it over, I can even fax it!" but refused to sign it so I could do the same. To the point where she called me, after she knew I would be at work at 8am, to say that as someone on the lease I needed to go through her if I was going to bring up that the grout between the tub and the wall needs to be looked at before I'll sign off on taking responsibility for this place - she's right, as someone on the lease, she would be told about issues with the house that concern me, and since I've brought this up 3 times in 2.5 months and nothing has been done, I wanted to let the management company know there is a pre-existing condition that may or may not need treatment in order to keep me from incurring the cost of, oh, replacing the wall in the bathroom...
Yeah, and it was 56 degrees in my room this morning when I woke up, and the water took 4 minutes to heat up for my shower, and the "where are you? what do you mean you are at your desk working?" followed by "what time is it? we are in SO much trouble!!" as I'm checking messages to see how angry work is and hear "so, is it the deposit money I need you to give me so I can give it to the place I'm moving? and you can't just walk in somewhere and start saying "mold" because places freak out about that and just tell me whats going on!" as I try to make sure it doesn't take us 45 mintues to get BACK to the office that I can SEE from the parking lot we are pulling out of...

Its not even lunch yet and I need a Valium.
Its Tuesday.
But, I'm commited to leaving ON TIME to talk to the management company and sign the lease, I will reiterate that the place will be fixed up, but its a matter of who pays for it, and that Spaz will be vacating ASAP so if I could get a simple walk thru for an estimate of needed repairs, Sister will be at the house next Wednesday!

Oh, and I had a veggie omlette, no cheese (well, they left it off the top), a cup of Sweet n Low'd coffee (refilled 4 times), the fruit cup, and the muffin came back with me to be my carbs with lunch (whenever I stop burping up breakfast, I'll dive into that!). So far, I'm on my new eating plan today is the point =) My skirt (that is part spandex, but mostly stiff cotton, that was left in the dryer too long last week) is reminding me that "a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips" isn't just for the post-menapausal women who love to repeat it ;)

Question

2007-01-11T16:41:00.000-05:00

Riddle me this - if you started chatting with an ex that you left on barely good terms with, nearly had her in your bed before you had a dinner date with your girlfriend, then chatted the night away with the ex unitl your OTHER girlfriend showed up at your door to get you finally laid, would you remember all of this with shame or pride once the beer wore off?
While I don't knock the excitement of getting three girls in an evening, I do wonder why I was asked how he could break it off with the chick he left me for. I was left with "I need to talk to you more - I need a grown up in my life Sassy, these girls are so busy playing games I can't have fun with them anymore, plus you make me laugh, I gotta go."
I told him I was ready to throw him down and take advantage of his calling me on a night I happened to have to be 30 miles from my house and 2 freeway exits from him - but that I was conflicted because the resolutions I've set for myself (because of him actually) should have me ignoring this opportuinity... he told me to stick to my resolutions and we could chat later.
Right. After calling out of almost nowhere (I've deleted his number TWICE now for shits sake!), getting me all reved up for some hot sex, tell me its ok to stick to my gut instinct to not deal with sex unless its strictly sex (or date, but without the now typical good night fuck, so the "are you here yet, I'm hard and ready for you")
He attempted to woo me a bit later with "sorry for the back and forth, we need to hook up in the next couple of days." My reply was "I'd appreciate the fuck buddy, but I more appreciate a friend that tells me to stick to my resolutions. Which do you prefer to be?" I got a call 10 seconds later and heard all the uninhibited details of whats been going on with him (in the sexual realm anyway) since the weekend we stopped talking.
So, if you were to call an ex and have all this go down, what kind of outcome would you be looking for - besides the obvious?
Honestly, I'm tempted to get him all worked up like we are meeting for just the sex, come in, grab him by the pants, toss him on the bed, tell him he isn't built to be a player if he is going to care enough about his fucks to want a relationship with them, hand him a pocket pussy, turn around and walk out. Or, bring a roll of duct tape for his face, rip his clothes off of him, abuse him until his little hard body gives out or my pussy swells shut, THEN walking out without another word.
Thoughts?

I Suck, I Blow, I Spit, I Swallow

2007-01-09T15:50:00.000-05:00

This is the ONLY title that came to mind today, as I picture a string of sorority girls trying to snake through the crowd of fans at a back patio of a dive bar with a man and his Casio electronic piano and his mic starting a verbal riot at these obviously rude chicks trying to vacate in the middle of a show.
Well, it was "you suck, you blow, you...", but looking at my latest comments I realize it has been FAR too long with WAY too many things happening for it to have been a full week since I've posted!!!
My greatest apologies, my dedicated Statmonitored friends, for I hate when I am looking forward to a continued saga and find a repeat on the screen =(

Its lunch break on my second day at my new job and I am LOVING this new position with this company. It doesn't hurt that I came in during a flush week of activity and positive attitudes from everyone, but whatever it takes to keep me running from this place (at least until I see exactly what the new take home pay is next week ;) ).
The trainee isn't quite understanding that she needs to cut the cord, but I have been able to take lunch alone this week so thats a good start I guess.
I'm getting nothing but praises from all levels of managerial staff - apparently they are talking out loud about my strengths as much to boost my spirits and keep me working as they are to pat each others backs about how good they are at their jobs to get me here, but who am I to bust a bloated ego??
No sex as of late, becoming quite a problem, but I've also finally polished off all the alcohol in the house which was topped off with a bender at the company party (and the bar around the corner, don't worry, I didn't let the coworkers see me smashed!), and really think the negative mood I'd been carrying might have had something to do with the mini-detox I was calling a work day. Time will tell, but yesterday and today have been lovely =)
Also, there is no substitute for sunshine. Monty, this means you! My new desk sits back in a corner of a glass building and even with my back to the view I am awash in natural light and this alone is worth the constant frozen fingers from the fan of my coworker next to me in our 4' cubicles.

What else??? Spaz brought home some boxes the other day but I haven't seen them packed yet. Brut is only annoying when I walk by him, as his new favorite game is "MY CHEWIE" - only annoying because Spaz hands him a chewie every time he looks at her, and I get howled at for going into my room (when I didn't try to get near enough to him to try to take it, but he wants me to) or when I leave my room (when he sees me thinking about passing him and defends his chewie with every fiber of his retarded being) or when I come home (when he drops one at my feet and brags that he still has his and My Gorgeous Girl ate hers already)... yeah. I'll be packing those boxes come Saturday if she doesn't STOP GIVING THIS TOOL OF HATEFUL NOISE to this animal.
I don't think I'm kidding.
Curmudgeon, Sister is still kinda my bain of existence with the back and forth, and there is no convincing her that the praise she is receiving can be gotten at a place that will pay her more than minimum wage (in CA the wages just went up and no, she didn't get bumped accordingly). She isn't saying she won't move, or even into my place, but she is saying if Spaz wants to stay she is fine with that and I am trying to convince her that she will be scooping my addled brain off the pavement if I have another 6 weeks of this life.

OK - was that it? I breezed over the extreme embarassment covered by nearly severe alcohol thresholds with the karaoke at the office party, didn't mention that my boss's position in the next office asked if Sister was looking for work out here (then introduced her to my boss's BOSS by name, apparently there is a job like my new one open in the neighboring office), the limo ride from the bar to the house on the water with the guys with the drugs and the not so wandering hands and a surprising amount of trouble finding a way to leave their house in the morning (note to self: at 40 years old, I will have a working vehicle in the crowd of mechanical metal heaps in the driveway).

Ah, well, thats the jist of it I guess, my 1/2 of lunch I didn't have time to eat yesterday is calling my name and I am certainly ready to chow for 5 minutes before the next onslaught of super fast paced pressure oriented deadline driven work starts flowing across my attention span - ttys, I swear!

Total Bad Girl

2007-01-02T20:15:00.000-05:00

I texted Sexy til my fingers hurt. The last sent said "seriously, thanks, and ceste la vie".

I thought I broke a sex toy. Turns out it just needed new batteries and a lighter touch.

I dulled a brand new razor blade shaving all the body parts I'd neglected for (apparently) far too long. I now feel like a woman again... and I stayed indoors to save the weak from my prowess.

I slept so many hours I lost track of what day it was. Then woke up, finished the drink on my nightstand, went for food and more drink, and I think I took the dog for a walk but I can't be sure if that was this weekend or last week.

My quest to drain the house of the beer and 3 handle sized bottles of alcohol was met in near triumph. Eventually, with no other nutrition and holiday hours at the store, you are left with nothing but a bottle and a shot glass for sustinance, and that is how you sleep for the majority of a 3 day weekend.

I deleted phone numbers from my address book, thinking "if this Lamer decides to call or text again, I don't need to have his number available to reply to." Yes, Sexy finally made the list of Lamers.

I'm training my replacement and the INSTANT she leaves the room I'm emailing and blogging, having no remorse that I can't find the ONE thing we have to order this month and instructing her to not waste her time searching for anything but to essentially deligate the job to another office and ask them where they order it from... all so I can super sleuth my way through the day and find the part of my profile that says "email me here".
I don't want my availability to be like a club thing, I'm cool with emailing ALL my blogger buddies, and only if it gets crazy with spam or hate or annon emails will I make it a need-know basis.
Jamie, click away =)

Yeah, I have my priorities straight, why do you ask??

While I am holding fast to the concept that 2007 will be a super stellar year, I am also clinging to the idea that how you start something is not how you finish it. I heard the neighbors parties, saw their fireworks, screamed from my window with them that it had crossed the witching hour, then cuddled back into my cocoon of blankets and took the pause off my movie. Somehow I thought the ending of this movie was FUCKING AWSOME the first time I saw it, but having known someone who nearly died that way in real life, I ended up in a pile of tears. So the next movie I watched I remembered being a techincal marval that I could delve into, only to realize that at the core it was a movie about a kid loving his mom so much and it just so happened that her closing words to him as she closed her eyes to sleep forever were pretty much exactly how my mom and I played out during her last cogniscent conversation, so THAT idea was pretty much fubared too. So I went back to the old standby, the seen 10 times this 2 weeks chick flick, and tried tried tried not to think about all the ways my life is NOT like a romantic comedy and how I should NOT emulate what Hollywood sees as a relationship in my real life. I fought the urge to swim in the memories of last New Year, denied myself the opportunity to check my old PAPER address book for His number to see if I remembered it correctly, sat staring at my walls and stuff and piles of me-ness and realized that everything changes and my 2007 New Years celebration last year showed no bearing on how 2006 turned out and so this weekend's events shall also have no resemblence to how I spend the majority of my year.

The greatest part of this weekend was this revelation: the person I fuck and the person I date do not, at this point in time, have to be the same person. I really function better when my lunch hour is spent getting rugburn on the bruise on my shoulder from where the backseat hits me when he grinds me into the corner. I am a total mess when the guy I'm dating says "your freakin me out" for my kissing a napkin and leaving it on his windshield. These can be mutually exclusive and I just might be on the lookout for satisfying both of these areas but one can be dumped without the other.
Or, if anyone has word to the contrary, please speak up before I become that late 20's hussy at the bar thinking she can pick up on randoms... or before I become that late 20's prude who thinks its OK to date without putting out. Usually by the time I hang with someone long enough to want to fuck them, I end up getting a call for lunch the next day... and if I go out with 4 days of fuzz on my legs so I will date them and go home right after dinner, I end up, well, laid anyway.

So much for my idea of "just leave a quicky post Sassy, you've got work to get back to."
Whatever, the new girl will have to deal with the fact that she went home after 8 hours and my sorry ass is still here 10 hours later.

My ass hurts and my cootch is getting the grow back itchies, I gotta bail before I edit and revise this bad boy - good luck and I'm wishing you all a very quick recovery from your New Year's celebrations, as my attitude is kinda fairing toward the "withdrawl" series of hangover symptoms more than the "you done fucked yo'self up Miss"... not really sure which is better at this point...

Holiday Freak Zone

2006-12-27T20:14:00.000-05:00

Hi!

I made it!!

Traveling Christmas weekend, didn't loose luggage or have flight delays or broken rental cars or family blow ups or over-drunkenness or a wad of cash in my stocking or ill feelings when someone made a bowl of soup instead of eating the feast my sister and I prepared for Christimas Eve dinner... I even got confirmation that I'm not making this shit up when the step-sister's boyfriend and I dodged an 'old family friend' party and he said "I thought my family was wierd, but this whole place operates in such a fucked up way - there is NO FUCKING WAY I would date the girl I saw in there tonight, its like she puts on a show for her mom, she is such a great girl in Arizona, but here, its like the fucking Twilight Zone!"

OK, so Flo came 10 days late right in the middle of my dad's house all over my outfit. This caused me to be OK with the idea of breaking into the Capt'n Morgan bottle at about, um, 11am Saturday morning. You know, to help the ibprofin haze hit a little sooner and a little harder. Sister and I spent Saturday bumming around the old hometown shopping for people I vehimently did NOT want to spend money on but after I saw the stack under the tree with my name on it I HAD to get SOMETHING... Sister doesn't realize she and her "free trip to see the stepsisters" cost me $200. THANKS, not like I have to COVER YOUR RENT in a WEEK or anything... and I didn't want car insurance this month anyway =)
So I spent the whole weekend bleeding profusely, half tossed, and having polite (then excessively frank) conversation with people that have no idea who I really am and don't care to know.
The reason I start with this is: I came back to work to find a girl sitting at my desk. My bosses hired a replacement for me and didn't let me know, so this poor thing was sitting there answering phones with nothing else to do for an hour and a half.
ahem.
So, to have a girl sitting next to me this week and next with no bosses around, we have become fast friends and gabbed about all sorts of stuff as we waited for her login name to get processed and for people to get out of interviews so we could leave for lunch and just because when Would Be Boss called for the 5th time in 3 hours and I replied to "whats up" with "I wanna call Sexy and I don't really know why."

Long story short, I made the call. He got a message. He called back. He apologized for how it went down. We caught up on school and holidays and new jobs and all that. He said he thinks about how we would have sex sometimes. I said I do to. I said I called because I missed my friend. He will call on his break cuz he called on his way in to work. Trainee got all excited to hear the dirt when I came back to the desk she was working at and was flush in the face.

Why? Everyone says I want to get laid. Latent reason? Surely. Compounding that though, suddenly I want to get girliefied and clean my room and unpack and organize and go grocery shopping and all the stuff I used to do because I had more in my life than work and bed. I like that my heart raced today every time the phone rang, wondering if it was him.

I realize this is a condensed version of His and my relationship, with the rediculous amounts of game playing followed by hiatus followed by pleasantries... the next steps will be fantastic sex and him leaving me instants afterward only to be ultimately left on the sidelines while he goes off and has a real relationship with someone else.
And that I know this and will meet him if he asks... baffles the mind, doesn't it??

In the mean time, my sister gave me this book with an eating plan that says "pull out the ziploc baggie and eat everything in it" every 3 hours, and a walk once a day, and I can be not bulging out of my clothes by next week, and maybe be using my gift card for a new size of jeans by the end of the second week... the trouble with that is I have to go to the store and buy food and cook it and put it in the ziploc baggies AND tell WouldBeBoss that I appreciate her buying breakfast for the office but I just don't eat doughnuts or bagels anymore. Oh, and stop drinking daily =( This might be the hardest of all... of course "1 cup cooked rice" could equal the carbs of "1 12oz light beer"?????

I'm an idiot. I know. I like to have great sex. I know. I said I was done with the bullshit and I called him anyway. I know. I've been the same pound and in the same pants for at least 5 years and think THIS WEEK I'll change my life??? right, I know.
But hey, Trainee thinks Sassy fits my real personality splendidly after I lucked out and let her listen to my and Techie's conversation and told her thats what Techie and the boys call me, so I guess the day isn't a total wash of blatent retarded behavior, huh??

As The Spaz Turns

2006-12-21T13:40:00.000-05:00

SO.Much.Drama.

I sincerely hope that by the time I'm pushing 50, my daily life does not include tears of rage followed by apologies, followed by hocus pocus rationalization, followed by blame placing, followed by an alcoholic stupor before my interupted by trips to the bathroom and something that requires the shower to get turned on repeatedly in the night.

Long story short, we had a blow-out, I stood my ground (literally, she told me to get out and I didn't even shift my weight), it was solidified that she would be out by the first (again, yes, we are back to Jan. 1 move date), and I started making plans to facilitate that.

So who KNOWS what kind of freak fit she threw last night when I brought over my coworker to meet Her Shortness before the weekend where Shortstack will be living at Coworker's house (she needs a nicname, I know, I can only think of ones I've used before though, so give a Sass a minute) only to get, this morning, "um, she can stay here, its really not necessary to get a dogsitter."
Excu - WHAT????
"You told me that you were going to be gone this weekend looking for places to move to, you said on the message that you AND BRUT would be gone this weekend, so I found a way to take care of My LoveBug while you were gone."
"Oh, well, I'll look for places but I can't take him with me, so I'll be home at nights, and I can look for places from home, so really, you don't need... I mean, I know we had a fight this week, but I really don't mind watching her ::big eyed blink:: plus she will miss you anyway and this way she doesn't have all her weekend disrupted."
"Listen, its not that I don't want you watching her, but you said you'd be gone. I've spent 2 days racking my brain and options to get this set up."
"oh, well, she can stay..."
I look at the 'baroo' eyes on my sweeties face and though of how well she took to Coworker and how excited they both were at the ideas of what this weekend would entail - we were talking in the driveway about poop schedules and walking habits and pill popping and table scrap policies and finally we decided it was too cold to kabitz anymore so Coworker walks to her truck as I get Shorts to stand up and walk back toward us (from her perch Right.On. the property line staring down the long sidewalk like she can see past 10 feet) and Sweetness veered right to waddle after Coworker. We all three stop, and I try to persuade SugarBoogie to follow me back to the house so I can get on some walking shoes and a sweater so we can check out the long stretch of sidewalk she'd been staring down. She looks at me, looks at Coworker, and takes a few more steps toward the truck.
Giggle ensue, Sweets finally gets it that she isn't leaving in the vehicle, nudges Coworker's knee for one more scratch behind the ear, then begrudgingly mopes back to my side of the great divide (or driveway, whatever, she though it was quite the mean trick to play).

Yeah, I'm thinking we will both get a vacation this weekend. And I really don't care what Spaz thinks about it at this point - I've made plans, Coworker and her whole family and house have made plans, I've got the money to pay in advance for CHEEEEEEP dogsitting, and I KNOW BoogieBear will have a splendid romp at the horse stables before plenty of under-the-knee-snuck table scraps and a fight over who's feet she will snuggle at bedtime.

All this after a few hours of pen tossing (I don't have a coin, shut up) to figure which sitch would be best all around. I'm going with "happy coworker I will be partners with next week, happy pup who gets to show her cuteness to a whole new set of pet lovers, smiles on my face knowing she is being loved on instead of sitting at home with Brut waiting for Spaz to talk shit about me" instead of "be a tightwad and let pup sit home alone all day like she does every day so its not that bad and try not to hurt Spaz's feelings by declining her offer".

In 24 hours I'll be flying over California, and I have NO idea what to do with myself after I land on the other side. I'm hoping someone has an idea, otherwise I'm likely to take one of the cars and cruise town for, oh, 10 hours to see if my dreams will stop involving all my college drinking spots ;)
Oh yeah, its been WEEKS since this Sassy has had her pants ripped off by an able man and with Flo literally knocking (thats what it feels like with the random spazmatic mini cramps, like there is someone on the inside banging my junk with the end of a cane) I am totally contsantly conscious of and focused around my crotch and its every momentary change - this is why I couldn't be a guy; every time my pants moved I'd think of my dick and what it was doing and SCHZAM I'd have the nicname Woody by the second day anyone knew me... I digress - I'll be bleeding through prime One Night Stand vacation days so there will be no "bend me over in the bathroom, then you can buy me a drink" this holiday.
To preceed Vince's comment - sure, I'll be done by New Years, and of COURSE I'm thinking of traveling for the holiday, but I really need to pay, um, what was it, oh, right, RENT next month as I'll be the lease owner, so we'll see if I'm doing anything besides wanking off in an empty house while waiting for the Dick Clark Ball Drop.
That sounded dirty and wrong, but you follow. ;)

In case I don't get to check in over the weekend - here's wishing you all those totally sincere happy cliche sayings that come around this time of year that I'm too busy signing generic cards to think of - to EACH and EVERY one of you!

Get On Your Knees

2006-12-19T16:42:00.000-05:00

Pray for me ya'll, I need all the strength I can muster.

I've already told the story 4 times in the last hour, but lucky for you I emailed it once so I'm just gonna copy and paste the long version and you can see just what a mental dump looks like.

**Somehow, my getting assaulted by 120 pounds of retarded hound dog every morning wasn't enough to drive Spaz over the edge... somehow when he gets his teeth around my hand every other time I come home, and him pouncing me, and chest pressing me, it wasn't THAT big of a deal... and with my best efforts to bring to her attention that this is a DOG we are dealing with and ASKING him IF he can sit and take a chewie for going hoarse yelling at me because I brush my hair before I go to work, she still insisted that the situation was just something to deal with.

So, I got bit yesterday morning. It's never hard, but the teeth marks my flesh red for a few hours and he is TRYING to grab at me when it happens. I yelled at him, raised my hand and nearly came down with a punch in the head, and yelled some more when he started howling at me - she didn't come flying downstairs to tell me not to use a harsh tone - I assumed she was in the shower because she INSISTS you coddle this mofo.

Last night, I come home, he screams his head off, jumps at me, and refuses to let me in even the 6 feet before I could escape upstairs. She is in the kitchen, talking baby talk to him, and I have scratch marks on my chest from his antics.
THEN, Sister comes in, maybe 3 minutes after me. He is still barking at me, turns around and there she is, he walks to bark at the wall, then bark out the window, then bark in the kitchen - he isn't even looking at her or me, just talking to mid air. We are all being nice, Sister takes 3 steps in the house, and he lunges at her.

I FLIP OUT. I grab his neck, yell loudly over his pathetic attempt at a believeable squeel, try to drag him to throw him outside, Spaz is trying to interceed, we are all in the hallway (with SuperAwsomeShortyPup underfoot trying to say hi in all the maylay)...

I am done fighting with this dog, Spaz takes him to the kitchen, the noise has stopped, Sister and I start upstairs with Shorty right behind us, Spaz is saying I should have warned her that my sister (who is over about 3 days a week at this point) was coming so she could have TOLD THE DOG we would have guests, I say "it is completely unacceptable that he bit me this morning, that I was mauled coming home, and that he was FINE with her for WEEKS and is now she gets bite marks every time she comes to the place I call home."

I checked my phone - I got a text from Sister saying she got to work on time, and a voicemail from Spaz saying "thats it. I can't have Brut attacking your sister like that. I'll find a place this weekend, and you guys can take over on the first, if that still works for you. ok, bye"

Right-o.

I like control.
I'd lost control.
I was grinding teeth that she said she would leave January first and then changed her mind. I just kept thinking that 2007 would be a great year and it will start ON NEW YEARS and BAM!!!

Apparently my getting bit every other day, and my sctached up chest from where he pounces me when I come home as he howls and yells and barks and snarls at me was OK to live with, but let my sister get this vicious attack was over her edge.

So, Sister was liking the idea of keeping her job 45 minutes away and staying where she is now and housesitting around the family for the month and moving in February first... how do I politely say that our screaming match last night and storming out and coming home at 2am was enough to get Spaz to fulfill my wildest happiest most perfect fruition of this goal and that she and I are paying January rent in TWO WEEKS?? **

I am asking for a little help - I need as many people as possible to get some good thoughts on this because if this freak decides to change her mind again, I will pack her shit for her and leave it in the driveway, and I really don't think I'm exaggerating on this. I have all the boxes from when I moved in still intact on the back porch, it will be REALLY easy to chuck anything that isn't mine into a box and walk it to the carport. The couches she will try to sell me she can drag out her damn self.

The worst of it is, I would have never thought of her moving out if she hadn't mentioned it so many times!!!! I would have told my people that her dog was a mess and we'd find something else to do besides hang out at my spacious naturally lit hardwood floored pad where we can hear the ocean waves and smell the ocean breeze!! We really really would have made Denny's the new cool place to hang!!! Since two days after I moved in, she has been talking about leaving and DAMN if I'm getting sick of all that hot air being blown in my face.

Come with me on this one...get on you're knees, put your hands together, close your eyes, and get the good thoughts of a Brut-mark-free Sassy, a well fed Sassy with a fridge full of meat that isn't earmarked for the dogs, a Sassy who can get ready for work in the morning in a full sized bathroom without a dog as her blowdryer, a Sassy who can come home from work without groaning when her roomie is there!!!!

Yeah, Um, About That

2006-12-14T13:10:00.000-05:00

I've decided to put my foot down.
If I don't have control over anything, the least I can do is CREATE situations where I have all KINDS of control.

Like in Lamer territory.
Seriously, I went to dinner with this guy twice a YEAR ago and he is CONVINCED that I'm 'the one' for him.
OK, so I was a sexy mamajama and I was all about getting laid last fall and I slept with him like 3 times.
And I'm not sure he knew I was dating Him last year (or Sexy this year).
And sure, I have lead him on by taking his calls (when I've been drinking, or when I'm hungry and half way to his place).
But I distinctly remember the conversation when he was trying to get me to Indianapolis (he lives there, he comes 'home' to visit in the slow season) and I said "I am not into you like you are into me, but if you want to fly me to a city I've never been to so you can show me around and try to woo me, I can come up with a weekend when that could work out".

No, you didn't miss the post where I traveled to middle America.

So I'm at work late last night, reading blogs and cleaning up my personal email, and I get a text from Tempura saying "hey, what are you up to tonight?"
Since it was dinner time, and I know everything at my house needs to be cooked (read:dinner is THAT much farther from being chowed), I called him and said I was hungry and asked if he was ready for dinner too.
OK, I caught INSTANTLY the desperation on him.
I played it cool.
I reminded him that he calls when he's bored, so we'd need to come up with something that WASN'T just sitting around being bored.
He said "alright, well, come on over, we can get some dinner in ya, then come on back and I can fuck the shit out of ya."
Right-o, lardass. I said "don't you remember the conversation we had about how I am NOT a walking cum receptical and how I am FUCKING SICK AND TIRED of being used that way? Besides, I'm not up for it, I've been masturbating all day so I'm cool."
Tempura: "oh, really..."
Sassy: "yes, really."
Tempura: "so I guess last time I really didn't, huh, well, ok."
Sassy: "you graded yourself a D+, I refused to comment. I am looking for dinner though, and you call me when you're bored, so if you want a distraction form the norm, I've got an hour I can spend with you."
Tempura: "an hour?? GEE, THANKS. ::under breath:: I guess I really didn't, wow..."
Sassy: "look, I've got a life here, I've got things to do, but I also need dinner, so if you're saying you don't want to buy me $8 in tacos again unless I'm gonna bend over for you, then I guess we've got an answer as to if I'm coming over or not."
Tempura: "I'm getting another call, can I call you back?"
Sassy: ::stunned silence::
Tempura: "hello? can I call you back?"
Sassy: "uh, k."

I got a text about an hour later that he went to a bbq at a friends place. I replied "I got my grub on too."

While he normally sucks at conversation, I'm thinking I've licked the Fuck-Off-I'm-Using-You envelope and am folding it over to be sealed on THAT particular straggling Lamer =)

So thats ALL my Mr. Lamers and Lamers Disguised by Other Names that I can fully expect to never hear from again (keeping their numbers in my phone only to be sure to avoid their calls in the future).

Its with this in mind that I'm dedicating myself to the idea that 2007 is going to be SUCH a good fucking year that I am now determined to cut baggage of yester-fuckup left and right...
1) Moving up at work so I can't say I've been 'only a receptionist' since college.
2) Telling any Lamers who may continue to call to Fuck Off in an outright statement, no matter how hungry or horny I am.
3) Getting the house in order so it feels like OUR place instead of HER place that I stay in.
4) Solidifying good relationships with healthy people who support me for who I am instead of who they want me to be.
5) The car is paid off, and if I work my ASS off in this new job I see no reason why I need to have ANY hanging debt (student loan is all I've got left) by this time next year. I want to be financially stable and have all my monthly commitments be things for ME - house down payment savings account, IRA, investment fund, travel savings account... the dreams grow on.
6) Planning things that I want to do, and not letting anyone fuck with the plans, because this is MY life and if I want to travel or go to dinner or see a band in a bar, I do not need a tag-along to have a good time (remember the fair?? yeah, its my new favorite memory on this point).
7) Maybe this Christmas visit will be my opportunity to look dad in the face and tell him that he needs to apologize for showing me how women are to be treated and explain that I will not allow his dogma to pollute my life anymore - and that means I can't talk to him until he grows up. Then I'll put his number in the Lamer catagory in my phone.
8) And maybe this visit I'll stop by Mom's gravesite and work on that a little more too.
Fine, you want a Top 10 list?? I know you do, hang on, lemme think.
9) I'll stop lying about how many candies I really accept from the coworkers and go to the fresh food market twice a week and commit to the idea that this is not my body's happy weight and that I can change who I've always been.
10) I'm gonna start taking what is coming to me - doctor visits comp'd by the company, as many days off as they pay for, gifts, treats, free lunches, doors held open for me - ANYTHING that means someone is doing something with my best interest in mind, I'll start to accept gracefully and document for reference so the Woe Is Me shit can take a back seat to the Whoa Look At Me bundles of joy Sassy reports.

Yes. Today is a better day. And the chocolate on chocolate cake is being served with Dryers Vanilla Bean ice cream and its about to get a whole lot better ;)

Control.

2006-12-12T20:18:00.000-05:00

I have no control.
Period.
I don't even want to hear about the cosmic woes of how the world works or that its all a struggle now but it will get me to a higher place in life or that whatever doesn't kill me blah fuck'n blah bullshit.

The instant I think I know what the fuck is going on, anything outside my 3 foot personal space bubble changes at warp speed. I end up like Ashton Kutcher in The Butterfly Effect, looking around at the surroundings that LOOK familiar but I have to take a 10 second inventory of what is REALLY going on before making a move.

It used to be just one area of my life. It used to be that whenever Sister called I had to put on the UH HUH face and take it all in like I knew what she was talking about and just wait for enough details to spill and I'd see what we were working with.

Now-a-days, its every time I BLINK.
Work changes.
Co-workers change.
Schedules rearrange with no notification to the person who is supposed to WRITE the schedule.
Offices move.
Menus get rid of my favorite thing.
Stop lights adjust their timing.
My car's automatic seat is moved.
The dogs suddenly get along.
Spaz is asking about my day.
I'm buying NON-twist off BOTTLES of beer (and thrashing my hands trying to get it open with a lighter I had in my purse, but I don't smoke, and I've never gotten that to work anyway).
The bitch of it is, the more I tell people what I am expecting, the more shit hits the fan!!!!

Seriously, what the fuck is the point of saying "pick a holiday, Tday, ok, we'll do Tday and hibernate through December" if I'm going to get a call saying "I'm on the website and didn't know if I was buying one ticket or two... how many days are you taking off work for Christmas again? And we are doing Christmas dinner here, so we have to get back in time to have TWO Christmas celebrations!!"

I plan my day around a few reports getting run and a job shadow afternoon only to have my printer start spewing my reports because my boss thought she'd help me (or totally piss me off by not letting me do my job without hand holding and step'n all up in my sandbox and kicking shit around) and I have no idea what happened to the person I was going to scare away from taking over my position... I work my life in such a way that if I say I will do something I'll do it - you don't need to do it for me.

If I say I want to fuck and not plan a life together - I mean it, and I don't care how much you think I don't I'll never cave. If I tell you I'm not interested but you keep calling and I say I'm bored and desperate enough to let you buy me an $8 dinner it doesn't mean I like you more - it means I'm hungry and bored. If I tell you I am planning to kick out a roomie so you can move in I will actually start to make that happen - and my home will be uncomfortable until it all goes down. And if I am told that we are in agreement about how FUCKED UP our lives are with one particular person in them, I WILL find it demeaning and sickening and treason for you to corner me into having to NOT be called the "bitch who ruined our Christmas by selfishly NOT taking our offer to pay her spoiled way to be here with us because she would rather stay home and hide behind having a new job to plan for" - I will do what ever anyone else needs me to do in order to maintain the peace and take a Blogland bashing for it because I am a Libra and I think that sometime somewhere in any way someone will bend over to help ME get what I want.

But no - instead I am reminded of the days where Mom would pop ibuprofin so she could feel her legs during the car ride on her bad back to see grandparents I didn't meet until I was 12 years old... I think of the days she was told by the doctor that if she'd had the 4pm appointment instead of the noon that they might have to send her to the hospital to fix her and she smartly replied "well, thats why I came in at noon"... the nights I went to bed and she wasn't home from work and I woke up and she was back at the shop... I think of how she cried when she found out the medical insurance had been cancelled and know now that it was because she checked its policy only because she was coughing blood and wanted to get it checked out before it got THAT bad... and I remember the look on her face when I walked into that hospital room and she knew she wouldn't ever go home again - it was relief... and I think of how this was my role model, the person I aspire to be like, and wonder how long I can be pulled in different directions and asked to do all the compromising and get the rules changed on me as I'm charging the battle field before my body decides its been enough and starts to betray me like hers did.

Seriously fucked up around here ya'll.
I KNOW I'll be blaming the mass of this on Flo, but to get a call from Sister about the holiday flight plan while Boss is throwing me proprietary (read: SUPER IMPORTANT) stuff to file "with the other ones" and I can't put my mind on where those are because I've got 7 screens open on stuff I was trying to get done from THURSDAY'S emails and 4 piles of "to be done RIGHT NOW" papers in front of me... ooohhhhh, Sassy is grow'n some horns and I'm about to come up with some BULLSHIT of my own!!!

Hey - maybe if a bitch could get LAID it would be a tremendous relief... Tempura is NOT a worthy opponent and frankly I don't have the energy enough to go trolling for a new Stud. Think Freakazoid Auntie would pull out her catalog and buy Sassy something fun to play with for Christmas?? Or Sister could get me a gift certificate?? The additions to my Toy Chest that Sexy overdrew his account to get me are fun, but they were meant for play with 2 people and are a bit awkward when using alone. Fun, motorized, satisfying, but a bit awkward.
And really, with all the fucked up shit changing on me every gawd damned second around here, I am just about ready to call it quits when I can't even keep control over a vibrator!!!!

Maybe its time to get back to the quickies in the bathroom stall... well SHIT, that ain't gonna work because my fingers are all bandaged up from the NEED to have a brewskie NOW last night!!!

How about a beam of brilliant revelation that someday real soon I'll be able to take the dog for a walk and maybe LEAD for like 2 seconds of the hour??? Someone toss me a nugget of peace that in all this alone time at work maybe I'll not be slammed with other people doing my job or micro managing how I do it??? Perhaps a calming snuggle that holidays are BUILT around family and somehow this is for the better???????????

Or, someone ask for my address to drop ship me something to fuck me sideways so I'm so full of dopamine and endorphins that none of this makes a damn lick of difference to my soaring mood... and be sure there is a purse sized version too, I'm all about the mid day fix at this point.

How Was YOUR Weekend?

2006-12-11T19:05:00.000-05:00

Mine started early - I went to tell my boss I was leaving for lunch, asked if it would be the WORST thing if I didn't come back, and she said "if your sick, your sick, we'll cover the phones, go ahead."
Sweet.
I run some errands before I head home... I can't get through the voice mail prompts at the car loan bank so I drive up the road to the super fucked up parking lot and wait in the 13 person line and finally get asked up to the counter and I tell the guy "I have 2 things today - one I need to change my address you have on file (he says he can't do that - gives me the number to the VOICE MAIL JAIL!!!!), and two I need you to pull up my account and see exactly, to the penny, what I owe on my car loan so I can write you the PERFECT check right here and now and get my pink slip in my stocking."
He was more thrilled than I was - I was calmly writing my check, getting all the I's dotted and T's crossed and he was over there telling his manager "man, she is paying this off RIGHT NOW!! I remember when I paid my car off, it was such a relief, and here she is on her lunch break just getting it done! New year without a car payment, how good does THAT FEEL!!!"
Right, so I get him a qualude and get my stupid phone number (that I can NOT get through to find a person or extention that can help me with this fucking address change!!! Another trip to that place and a planted ass with the New Accounts Bitch who HAS access to the internal workings of accounts so my Pink Slip goes to MY house, not my EX house).
Alright, so after all that excitement of standing in line and draining my checking account only to worry about where my SO FUCKING EXPENSIVE peice of paper will go...
Traffic to get on the freeway, construction on my offramp with no notice so that was a nice 15 minutes waiting in line to get to the other parking lot - my street that they were actually working on and blocked the turn lane off the freeway to get the conjestion more organized.
Whatever, I'm not too pissed, cuz I don't have a timeline anymore, I'm sick and taking the afternoon off.
Right, so I get in the house, tell my super thrilled pupster to relax before she squeels her eyeballs out and twitches her tail off, leave a trail of discarded clothing on the steps as I change into something more tolerable, trip on the whole lot of it as I gracefully tumble back down to find some chow, then distract the pups with some edible nonsense so I could take my tennies to the beach before the chill of dusk set in.
Yep, brought my phone. Yep, got death threats for sending live action shots of what I was looking at on a Friday afternoon to a snowed in chilled sicky (Sorry Stace, it just had to be done). Told Dad of the promotion, got a "oh, are we happy about that?" before the "did your sister tell you that your 82 year old grandma that you were named after is back in the hospital this week? yeah, so if this turns south you guys might think about coming back up, but I didn't want it to be too much of a surprise, so, ok, well, I've got the prime rib cooking for the party we have in 3 hours so thanks for calling."
No comments on the fuckhead of a pops I've got. I KNOW. I. Fucking. Know.
Something about having a rocky family foundation and every guy I date having shitty dads or relationships with their dads or needing to be their dad complexes (I've cared hard for 2, thats TWO, Juniors)... well, I'm solidifying my lack of need for men in my life because somehow the backstabbing PMSing overly dramatic romantic comedy turned slaughter house thriller roller coaster that is my female relationships sounds much more healthy than this non-chalant shit storm use abuse negligent smile and tell her she's pretty to get her to talk to you again even though she is your backup chick and you only call her when your address book has already been called and she will find out through the grapevine of family deaths or relocations or from the new girlfriend picking up my phone that shit in her world just got rocked.
OK, so I've got this going through me as I'm trapsing through the sand and toward the lovely little walkable Oh My Fucking Goodness Of Visual Thrilling Stimulation that is Surfer's Point... sure, the ones who could be surfing at 4pm were older or in high school, but watching a wetsuited form manipulate that board through the crashing swell of white powerful Mother Earth was just... well, give me a second, I need just one more second...
Yeah, so I didn't kill myself tripping on the rocks as I snapped some cool ass storm coming in pics OR when I winked profusely at anyone walking toward me. GO ME. (I'd post the pics but my email hasn't registered that I've sent them from my phone yet, FUCK if I have to deal with another call to the cell phone company to have them fix my damn text!!!!)

OK, so Sister comes out for the night. Its high times as we roll into blockbuster, then across the street to sushi, then back to drink heavily (add creme de menthe to whatever creamy yumminess you are drinking this season, sets the mood instantly ;) ) and see how much of a movie we can watch while fighting a kaluha coma.
Bliss.

Had an appointment at this really fucking cool deal of a pawn shop coalition kinda place... I need BUSINESS SUITS for the new job and they will give you, GIVE YOU, 4 on your first visit, then 2 more after you start the job!!! ROCK. So Sister and I played "take these back, find me something to go with this coat, what about shoes to match, how fucking CUTE am I in this REAL VINTAGE black on black satin get up, oh and how about this divine pale blue number with the matching lace top and the scarf as an accent" at the upscale thrift store where everything was FREE, toured Santa Barbara, stopped for some yumminess at the farmer's market, came home and walked the pup before she took off for work and I commenced to finish a liquor bottle ;)
OK, whatever the fuck is going on at Sister/Freakazoid Aunt's house, I have no detailed clue. I can tell you that its enough to have my sister call after her Saturday night shift and almost beg for me to invite her back to my place, get in the car at 10pm during a torrential rain storm with flash flood warnings and no visibility for about an hour so she could get AWAY from THAT.
Yes, I handed her a shot of what I was having as she walked in the door.
Yes, I know I'm fucking awsome =)
Can't really remember what we hot chicks did with ourselves that stormy night... some movie that we weren't into, some chatting, lots of drinking and we were up in the morning listening to the drain pipes drip and comparing dream notes before rolling over and passing out again. LOVE SUNDAYS. We had shots with our coffee as we cooked all the veggies we bought at the market, chowed with the dogs truely envious of our culinary abilities with foods we've never seen before (oh, and beets will make your next 2 days to the toilet SCREAMWORTHY, but ladies you didn't start your period 2 weeks early and men you won't need a q-tip up there, its just the beets, you are now more antioxidized than ever before and no the one trip isn't enough to get the red out, it WILL be there to get you screaming and checking for Freddy Kruger marks in the nether regions in the morning too - but coated in olive oil and baked at 425 for an hour they are SO DAMN TASTY you will forgo the knot on your head from the shock/jerk of the sight of the pool of red and you WILL eat the left overs for dinner), had a fine time divying up makeup and lotions before she was back off to work 45 minutes away.
Yeah, I continued to drink, thanks for asking! Travel mug, ice, lovely heating devices, a leash around my neck and the SO UBER EXCITED Shortstack and I were meandering for over an hour about our barely puddled neighborhood before she and I needed a nap. LOVE SUNDAYS, did I say that yet? Oh, can I also mention how much more fun it is to play with toys when you have the house to yourself??? Yeah, THOSE toys. Yeah, THAT much more fun.
Nap, phone calls, laughs at the freakish kiddy Christmas stuff on TV, some crafting while watching a show I actually might choose if I had more than 1 channel, and before I knew it the 11pm news was on! Somehow that left me with a journal entry (yeah, been a while since I put the pen to paper, but sometimes its the OTHER free therapy), a dream diary entry (Matthew McConaughey, dating, cooking, kissing, its all good stuff behind these eyes of mine), and a few pages of a book read and DAMN its 1:30am!!!
Did you follow that??? 2 days of pretty heavy drinking and I'm up til 1:30am the night before the 7 :45am FUCKASS Monday Morning Meeting!!!!
Lawdy Lawdy, and what a fucked Monday we've been having - just NOTHING getting done!!!
Lets put it this way, when your coworker is at the snack shack before 9am looking for a chocolate fix and tosses you a tube of Rolos "for later, you'll need it, trust me"... not ok.
Oh, and what the FUCK is with be STARVING all.the.fucking.time??? I wanted to try some diet pills this week but the meeting put a crunch on the "take 30 minutes before eating" stipulation so I'm on plain ol' caffeine today and somehow the fruit and veggies and beef with brocolli lunch and oatmeal breakfast and trail mix snack all has me LUNGING for the fridge in search of ANYTHING to chow on... is this what dieting is really gonna take?? Will I really just have to be hungry for 4 months to get this beer gut - the one that has my shirts have a CREASE where my waistband folds my feminine chub - to melt away????

Oh, wait, maybe I can make it to surfers point every day... surely some of them are out past dark, its further than the pier, and if I'm walking instead of running I won't need to strap down the Girls to the point of unrecognizeable femininity... hhmmm... snack on nothing but farmers market yummies and go find a surfer to wink at nightly... maybe the REAL beach girl in me is emerging...

Building Up

2006-12-07T14:44:00.000-05:00

Special thanks to Jamie for his comment. I appreciate you offering your story and reminding me of mine, it really doesn't seem real to read that and know it was me, even though I typed it from this very seat. It got me thinking...

You know when you watch the waves lapping at the sand, how there is the ebb and flow of the water against the earth, and at some point you realize the tide is coming in and the water is continuing the routine of back and forth but the overall gain over the earth is measureable in just a few minutes??

OK, now, it does the same thing when the tide is going out... the regular back and forth, but the noticeable retreat back into itself after its gobbled up your sand castle and footprints and left its trail of seaweed as the marker of its most outward stretch.

Here is the trick - there is a time when you can watch the sea as the tide is going out when the ebb and flow of the rhythmic roll seems to plateau. Like it is relaxed. Like it is glad that the turmoil of reaching toward the mountains is over and it can just be, just rock a little, maybe lick its wounds, and breathe a minute before it gets back to it. The waves are low and slow, doing nothing but what they do, not trying, not achieving, not racing back to the mass of water, just lapping softly. Its like watching a baby sleep to see how comfortable this part of the cycle is.

Somehow, when I witness this, I picture Mother Earth taking her moment alone to focus and ready herself for tomorrow's rolling of the tide, tomorrow's struggle to go farther than she did today, tomorrow's new challenges. I see her building her reserves of strength, getting her affirmations ready, remembering how to stand up straight and telling herself that there is no other way to be but proactive so just understand this is how it works and you will do it all again, but not til tomorrow.

I'm taking notice that I operate in a similar fashion - very consistently doing the same back and forth, but with ever increasingly gains over where I haven't been, followed by the curling into myself to ready for the next round of accomplishments.

I've been in the reach out and retreat cycle for many many years now, thinking the work I do on myself is for the purpose of getting people in my world... and as soon as ONE PERSON shows up I stop thinking of myself and get distracted by them. If lots of people get drawn into my world, I have even more reason to focus elsewhere. And then, I fall back onto myself, letting them all go, and wait patiently for the self nurturing moment of pause to return, and know that I must understand that struggles are part of how life goes and hope that the next time I put myself out there, that I fiercely proactively put myself into the world, I remember that I don't have to neglect myself to do it.

Well, I'm pulling back. I've left my mark, I'm satisfied with these efforts, I've embarassed myself and am ashamed that I continue to repeat these same follies on every attempt to take on the world and have a whole new handful of things I will take with me to my comfort zone to polish up for my return to the big bad world.

I start my new job January 8th, after one week of training my replacement starting January 1st.
Sister and Spaz are both of the idea that a roomie change January first is a bit soon, so that is penciled in for February.
I'm sending my check to pay off the car today. The pink slip might make it to me by Christmas.
I'm wasting some TV time zoned out with Lamer's of various degrees, finding out how to sit politely through dinner and not reach for my wallet, remembering how to get a guy begging for my number in 15 minutes, learning how to gently remove his tongue from my mouth and request that we learn each others names before he tries it again, and overall getting over my rebound guy.
I'm enjoying every second of having an old dog, letting her lead the way to new blocks in our neighborhood, dancing to the iPod tunes on the sidewalk as she meanders on people's lawns.
Once the benifits kick in, I'll make an appointment day to get me checked up on - teeth cleaned, vagina probed, moles checked, spine aligned, psyche scrambled.

In the mean time, I take a moment each morning to listen for the ocean waves. I remember that some things are just bigger than me, that its always happening no matter how I feel about it or what I do to try to gain control of it. Then I jump into the shower and prepare to use my natural ebb and flo to work my way just one more inch of difference over yesterday's mark on the world.

Stupid Is...

2006-12-06T12:25:00.000-05:00

I'm agast this morning.
I was at the office terrifically late last night, and back in 20 minutes early today.
I am SWAMPED with time sensitive projects that will demand my utmost attention to detail and the clock for the entirety of the day.
Somehow, I have GOT to get this thought off my mind to deal with my workload.

I have often said how alike My Gorgeous Girl and I are... big smiles, round in the belly but in a totally OK and actually cute way, friendly to everyone but especially friendly men, easily distracted by whatever is going on in the kitchen, equally ready for a run on the beach or a road trip or a nap.
Now, what am I supposed to think about Brut and Spaz when I wake up at 4am to the sounds of a choking, gagging, yacking dog in my hallway? When SugarBear starts to ralph something up, I take her outside, she vomits or coughs until she has to pee, walks over to the water dish, and we go back to bed. This one left her dog in the hallway (or couldn't move or persuade him anywhere else) for HOURS, having me and SweetiePea crawling farther and farther under the mass of pillows (yes, Shortster actually burrowed a tunnel to sleep in) so we didn't have to hear the vile sound of a digestive tract in reverse. Come 6am I am done with this bullshit of rolling over every 10 minutes to the sound of a hollow raspy hawking followed by the gurgling roll of a mouth with no cheeks spitting up whatever it can. I get out of my cocoon of blankets and get hit in the bare tocks with the cool air stream of my 2" open window, throw on a robe and slippers, and catch Spaz coming out of her room with a "good morning, isn't he so annoying? He got into a box of cookies last night and has been choking on them ever since! Do you have any bread in your room? I'm trying to get him to eat something to dislodge it..."
Thats as far as she got before I had turned on my heel, disrobed, and crawled back in bed to love all over my Boogie for being such a good fucking dog.
Realizing my timing, I knew going to sleep for one more hour would do more harm than good so I started a leisurely morning routine. Not two seconds after the shower water shuts off I have Spaz yelling through the door asking if I thought milk or pudding would be a better help to her fucking retarded dog - I said into my towel "maybe if he would drink WATER the crumbs would move off his tonsil and we could relax".
This mother fucker didn't get his walk on the beach for 2 hours today, he was too busy being made rice and eating white bread and lapping up tapioca pudding cups and being spoon fed cottage cheese... apparently white food helps the throat out of such a crisis. With all this happening when he is normally bounding into ocean waves, he spent the majority of his time NOT EATING this food she ran to the store to buy but rather HOWLING at my Little Buggie Bear for finding all these treats fair game, then running over to the open bathroom door where I was smearing my face with HideTheZit and smoothing my hair with FuckThisWind as fast as possible for I KNEW he would be surprised as fuck to see me there and get his nose on my tailbone before YELLING at me that he was happy to see I hadn't left yet.
Yeah.
So I am sitting here baffled that my Sweets can know that this dog is faking dying for attention to the point of not even caring he is chucking loogies all over the carpet and probably onto my door, that she can sit at the edge of the kitchen and patiently wait to be tossed the yumminess of the day, that she cares not that Spaz won't let me give her the medication that keeps her walking or even refill her food dish... basically I am in awe of my Baby's ability to be the rad-est (yes, I said RAD) dog and this fucking beast of a monstrosity of an overgrown freak has this full grown tax paying job having car driving citizen in good standing human being RUNNING to the store to buy $30 in food that she NEVER EATS to help her tard dog SWALLOW.

I.Just.Can't.Get.Over.It.

Also, it dawned on me that if Spaz wants to put off moving and Sister thinks thats a good idea (read: one more month to waffle before leaving me stranded in a lease), maybe BatDog and I will find a studio since they both think I can afford that much rent anyway. I mean fuck, whats another move at this point and DAMN am I FUCKING DONE with this kind of bullshit in my day!